Shall I pay my DM?

[skyfly]

Hi all, I feel confused and need a sounding board. My mom offered to help with after school care for our two DC (8 and 5) from September. She will be collecting them from school 3 days per week and stay until 6.30-7pm. I was so pleased when she offered as it would reduce financial burden on our family. However, she since asked me to be paid as per babysitter rate. She said that this is going to be work for her, we are likely to expect her to babysit occasionally on weekends or be late at work. I don’t mind helping her out financially and had previously helped her quite a lot, esp during Covid, and got back to work with 4 months old baby to be able to help paying her mortgage

But I feel differently this time, I feel hurt and I cannot explain why. I just feel that I already put so much help out there but now we’ve been looking to cut costs so I assumed that offer of help was to alleviate financial pressure on our family. She also told me that she doesn’t not feel grateful for my financial help to date as I do not treat her like nice daughter. I grew up with my own grandma and was extremely close to her so I feel hurt that my mom considers being with her grandchildren as a work. Am I being too sensitive though?

Your mother sounds awful. I wouldn’t be helping her with a penny tbh, it is not your duty! She doesnt behave like a caring mother so why should you pay her for anything. I’d go NC though understand you want your kids to have a relationship with her.

I would be incredibly hurt by this, op.

I think you should get another babysitter and pay them as you would have paid your dm.

Keep the relationship with your dm just as a grandmother and not a babysitter, then she doesn’t have a say on anything and it won’t be her that you’re paying.

She could also get another job if she isn’t committed to looking after your dc.

I had a narcissistic mother and for whatever reason thought her offer of childcare was to somehow make up for her frankly appalling treatment of me. How wrong I was. She was an equally shite GM and tried the same controlling shit on my child as she had on me. At the time I had replicated everything at her house and I was dropping DD off at times to suit her, collecting at times to suit her, I also paid for her car and running costs as a quid pro quo. Honestly it was the most stressful time. She wouldn’t ensure DD had had dinner, been bathed or done her homework which meant I had to do everything at my house having just done a full day’s work. DD was stressed all the time treading on eggshells around her (same as when I was a child) and I feel guilty I left her with my mother to this very day. Then she decided she didn’t want to do afterschool activity runs - just like when I was a kid. She would also fall out with school gate mums/GP’s and make complaints about them. It was a shit show.

i then got a nanny and everything fell into place. I was less stressed, DD blossomed and work was less fraught because I had actual help.

Do yourself a favour and find alternative arrangements. And ask your mum to repay the debt to fund that cost - you don’t owe a mother like that anything. Trust me I know!

2 guesses: your mum has got herself back into debt, but doesn't want to admit that she's messed up finances again. Therefore doesn't want to say "I can't look after your kids, because I need paid work," so is hoping that she can get money for babysitting, which will help her get out of debt and you'll never know. Alternatively, your mum hasn't really got the energy to cope with your kids, but loves them and feels she owes you something, so doesn't want to say no, and is hoping that by charging you, you'll go off the idea and she'll never need to admit to not wanting or feeling able to have the kids

She probably needs the money and you need loving childcare so its a win-win. Its not personal but definitely practical. Can you compromise with a discounted payment so you both benefit? X

Most GP l know look after the GC to help their children and don't charge anything, stop helping your DM financially and get some other help for your children
I would distance myself from this greedy/ungrateful woman.

Tit for tat Op . Tell her that you are absolutely fine with her working for you in order to repay some of her debt and while on the subject , perhaps you could agree a repayment plan for the remainder .

hang on are you still giving her payments for mortgage/other expenses?

this f*ucked up! Your mum wins the award for “Most Repugnant Grandmother”

🤦🏼‍♀️

not really. did you see the thread about the gm who stole food from her grandkids?

every time i think I've seen the lowest possible human behaviour, mumsnet prices me wrong

Wow you mum is some piece of work so she accepts your handouts with no gratitude has no plans to pay you back and whilst still accepting your handouts is also wanting to take more money for looking after your children she wants to treat it as a business deal but has no insurance no qualifications and wont be contributing towards tax and NI.
It's time you stopped being a financial crutch gor your mother you have a family of your own now and could be putting that money away for your children for University or a car or a house deposit.
You are going above and beyond guided by some sort of duty you feel you owe her but you're being used/rinsed/took for granted/financially abused take your pick.

I paid my childcare £5 an hour but my babysitter £10 an hour. I think it's fair for you to give her some money but a babysitting rate is ridiculous.

How about paying her £2 ph less than the going rate, over the long term you will get back some of the money in lieu of what you gave her for bills. Also, if she is receiving money from you for childcare, she can pay her own bills.

I would say, yes of course we’ll pay you, why don’t we offset it against what you owe us for your mortgage payments we paid for you!!

If you're paying the going rate, is she going to go ahead and get all the proper qualifications and register with all the necessary agencies and organisations?

Wow. I look after my grandchildren one day a week and will help in emergencies and for babysitting. Do not accept payment but my sons help me out when I need them too. Isn’t that the way it should work?

So did she pay her Mam to look after you then? Or was she a nicer person grandmother than her. She sounds miserable and horrible. I’d just get someone better to have them if you have to pay anyway. And don’t
help her any more with money for anything, say things are a bit tight because of childcare costs etc!

I don't think it follows that if Op's mum didn't pay her GM then Op shouldn't pay her mum.

That's between the parties involved to decide.

If Op doesn't want to accept her Mum's offer then she shouldn't, but it shouldn't be based on what happened between her mum & her GM.

These comments… plus the kids will have resources and friends to socialise with!
I would tell her not to worry!
& if you need her at weekends I’d remind her of the financial help you’ve given her …
Are you an only child? Are you from a culture where daughters are deemed as ‘expected to help elders?’

She sounds awful I'm so sorry you're going through this. I would definitely reevaluate and take a step back from her. She will soon see what is important to her.

Yes.. this…
stop helping her now as it’s very one sided!! No doubt your brother will inherit the same as you from her estate despite you paying her mortgage for 18 months… that must have been a small fortune!! Stop all financial help now and suggest your brother (golden balls) supports her for 18months!

My Mum looked after my elder 2 DC when I went back to work for love of her DGC. I felt bad that I couldn't do the same for my dgc when my DD wanted to go back to work but I lived 140 miles away from DGC. Instead I helped out with nursery fees. I think your Mum is being mean. Pay a proper childminder who will do activities with your DC.

Apologies if this has already been brought up but I don't think technically you can pay someone for childcare unless they are a registered child minder ( if they look after your children I'm their home) or you would need to employ her as a nanny ( in yoir own home).

But honestly, do you really want your mum looking after your children when she isn't very nice to you? I appreciate you want your children to have a relationship with their grandmother like you did. But she's not your grandmother, she's your mother and she's likely to be as toxic as she is with you, with your children and they could possibly end up feeling the way you do around her.

You definitely get what you pay for when it comes to childcare, so I'd go with the after-school clubs and a proper professional child minder.

Is she registered? I’m out of touch but when ours were younger, anyone looking after children and receiving payment had to be, including relatives. Do they still?

If you haven't already, stop giving her money. It's poisoned the dynamic of your relationship and she's taking you for granted.