Childcare vs career and independence.

[Twinmama22]

Looking for advice on childcare and work. Should I give up my job/ become reliant on husband?

I recently gave birth to twins. They are such dream babies. We go everywhere together and they seem to cope whether we are out all day or at home. They are still little so they are fairly easy to look after at this stage. Once weaning and crawling starts I'll be in for a shock.
One of the reasons the babies go everywhere with me is because I have absolutely no childcare where I live. Literally all my family live 100 miles from me. I have good friends where I stay and they offer to help but they work full time, as I did, so can't really help out when I need it. Hubby has a very good job and we are in a privileged position where money isn't too much of a concern. The pay off is he works long hours, although is very hands on and supportive when home.

My dilemma now comes as where we live is a high cost area and the cost of putting them into nursery almost matches what I would earn at work. We also have the chance to buy our dream home close to our families. Its a small town and houses like this don't come up often. Hubby can work remotely with only a few days in the office every few weeks. I however would need to give up my work to allow this move to happen. The current plan was for me to go back 3 days per week and the babies go to nursey, but the cost just doesn't make financial sense.
I have a very specialised role and it's unlikely I would get the same job at home. I've recently completed a masters in this field and whilst I have transferable skills, I really like my job and the people I work with. I also feel guilty and disloyal at leaving my job after they have supported me so well through my training etc. Hubby will support me whatever decision I make but I really don't know what to do.

My options are;
Stay, work and pay someone else most/all of my wage to look after the babies?

Move home, get help from family and cheaper childcare so I can still work... although unlikely to be in my chosen field?

Give up work for say three years and take care of the babies? This would involve me having to retrain upon return, possibly a self funded 6-12 month course. Whilst money isn't a huge issue... I've always worked and been fiercely independent so I'm really struggling with the thought of my husband funding me.

Any advice, guidance, alternative thoughts would be very welcome. It's hard to get an unbiased opinion as all my friends and family want us all closer to home.

Thanks 😊

So in your heart you know what you want to do .
Forget pleasing everyone else , what is in your soul.

First thing - don’t feel any guilt to your previous role. As much as you think they’ve invested in you at the end of the day it’s a business decision.
Second - do you want to go back to work or do you want to stay at home with your babies?
you sound like you’re in a fortunate situation where money is not the deciding factor.
if you go back to work, as hard as it feels when paying nursery fees, you will still be earning pension, keeping up your skills etc
youll only be paying nursery for a couple of years.
you haven’t really specified what YOU want, and I think that’s the most important think (from a mum who works full time with baby in nursery)

Childcare costs are short term. Moving back is long term. If moving back would make you happy in the long term then go for it, but if you'd be sad to give up your current job "forever" then don't do it to save some money short term (if you can afford it of course).

Also, for me, my job adds balance to my life, giving me a break from looking after a toddler. I wouldn't want to do that 7 days a week, and I think my son gets so much from nursery. I'm just saying I don't work just for the money. It enhances my life in other ways.

Obviously everyone is different and I don't judge anyone's choices. If people want to be SAHMs and they enjoy it then that's great!

Thank you for the replies so far.
I really don't know what I want at this stage. We always planned on moving home, but not this quickly. The whole thing has took me by surprise and mainly spurred on by this chance we have of the 'dream house'.

Having no child care is a big concern. I'm thinking big picture, if the babies were in nursery and something happend, we have noone available to pick them up. If I were at work, I physically couldn't leave. Hubby could but depends on where he is work wise. No babysitters or someone to pop in to mind them so I can go the the bank or get a hair cut. I take the babies everywhere, but it usually means at least a 3 hrs outing even for the simplest of tasks as they would need fed and changed.

Ideally I'd love to have my current job at home, but that a pipe dream.

I'm also at the stage of not really wanting strangers looking after my babies. Would they learn thier quirks and know how to soothe them? I also think nursery would be so great from them developmentally and it would help give me some balance.

My head says, move home get help with the twins and potentially find a parhway into the field I'm on. But my heart really wants to stay in my current job.

I know only I can make this decision, hubby will support me and will do what make me happy. I just wish someone else could take the decision out of my hands.

There's no right answer here, it's a very tough balance. I would say be careful not to deskill yourself as these intense years are very short (though expensive), but also bear in mind that they get sick a lot in the first couple of years in childcare. I mean, a lot. And you do too, because they pass all these germs on. It's incredibly disruptive. I ended up going self employed after the second baby because I couldn't sustain the amount of time I needed off from my high pressure job.

If money isn't a huge issue, have you considered a nanny? With twins it's probably a cheaper option, and also means you don't end up with the disruption due to illness.

This is such a good point. I’d personally be reluctant to sacrifice a career, and whilst most of your income may go on childcare there’s other benefits like pension contributions and career progression. And the free childcare hours hopefully will be coming in sooner so will reduce your bill

Looking after small babies on maternity leave is far easier than being a working mom with no child support.
I trained for a number of years in a job I love, but at this stage in my life I have to balance my career and home life. I would definitely ‘settle’ for a mediocre job and have a supportive happy home than have the ‘dream’ job with no family support or back up plan. That situation does not sound like a dream!
personally, I would move back home and find a job you enjoy where you can transfer your skills. If you hate it in a few years than you can move back when kids at school.

Never actually thought of doing that! Good suggestion!

Ask yourself what you see yourself doing when the children are at primary, then at secondary. I went back full time after two maternity leaves and never regretted it. I like to have an identity from my career. Retraining and returning to the workplace might not be easy as it's very dependent on your area. You will know best here. Do you know many women who took career breaks and return in your field? What do you see yourself doing in your home town.

Your DH earns well which means you can afford the childcare.

I don't have family support either. But DH had a job that has no commute when DC were young. He did most of the pick ups and drop offs. We now both WFH which makes things a lot easier.

The key thing about your childcare costs is that you (as a family) are not worse off by paying them. It's quite normal for childcare to wipe out a huge proportion of income in the early years - the key thing is to realise that it gets easier and hopefully your salaries are increasing as well!
Also it's normal for life to go on "go slow" for a while after you've had a baby and more so if you've had twins - again, things get easier as they get older

Your choice is

1. Stay in your job that you enjoy but have no family close at hand. Lots of parents don't have family close at hand, but they make it work by paying for additional childcare if needed and building a network of friends that they can call on. However, you'll have to work to make this happen. In a few years' time your twins will be at school and you'll have progressed in your career
2. Move to another job and have family close at hand. Will you resent leaving the current job in a few years' time? Will your family be as helpful as you think they will be? There are so many threads on MN from new parents who moved to be close to their family and their family turned out not to be as supportive as they'd expected.

It sounds as though your heart is saying for you to stay in your job. I personally wouldn't make snap decisions at this point. It sounds as though moving later on (if you change your mind) will be easier then getting back into your current field.

Twins are hard work but they do grow up quickly...
Do you think your judgement is around how hard they are now rather than how they will be in a year?
How helpful would your family really be....a big difference between an occasional help and ongoing commitment especially with twins?
Have you looked at alternative childcare like childminders?

Mine gets a lot out of nursery, and I get a lot out of being back in work. Even though it's incredibly expensive, we hope that a) more support will be kicking in from the govt over the next few years and b) we'll both hopefully get pay rises over the next few years too, so while this initial year is the tightest our belts have ever had to be, it's hopefully short term.

The illness thing is crazy. Mine's been at nursery 3 months and has been sent home more times than I can count, for rashes, diarrhoea, vomiting, chicken pox, high temperature etc etc. We don't have any childcare nearby and it has been extremely stressful to juggle work and caring for the ill baby.

Are you going to have any more children? If so, then heading back to work can benefit you there, in terms of building up any mat leave entitlements, or bringing in more savings to cover another mat leave/existing nursery fees.

It's a tough decision, and I am financially the worst off I've ever been since I started working, but going back to work has helped keep me sane (I don't even particularly like my job, but I'm a much better mother when I've had a break) and the long term benefits from salary increases etc outweigh the short term pain at the moment.

I don’t think anyone will give you an unbiased opinion! I’m a SAHM and would say take the time off and enjoy your babies (and relying on your husband is normal because you’re a team) but others would definitely say don’t waste the training you’ve done for work, don’t be financially reliant on anyone else etc. Only you can decide what you really want. Good luck!

This isn’t just about money or the cost of childcare. It’s about you too!

i worked for nothing for 12 months when my children were 1 & 3 … infact less than that, we drew of our mortgage every month! Not much. But we did.

I only worked three days, but it maintained my career.

However you must know that two children in childcare is NOT a childcare solution !! You still have to pay for whatever you’ve booked, but you must understand they will tag team having tummy bugs, colds, eye infections etc - especially the first year! With no support and a job to do, that is HARD ! & with no help around you with childcare & paying for childcare you can’t use until the children are better, it’s really demoralising and exhausting!!

if you can afford not to, or can pick up something different but less demanding and with a support network I think it would be best if it were me. Or do nothing if finances allow, but do something if your mind wants to!

you can always prioritise you in a couple of years when you/hubby can more easily WFH for a few days with a poorly child and they can safely be left on the sofa most of the day!

If your family are good, having their support and close relationship with the kids is worth it’s weight in gold. Why work to pay someone else to take care of your kids if that’s what you’d like to do? I’d still put them in one day though to give you a rest! Probs harder work staying at home x x x

I would say as time goes by that needing family support with childcare at weekends / if one child unwell bit you need to get the other one to school / emergencies etc becomes more relevant. Managing with just structured childcare can be difficult. Could you wfh in your current role in which case it wouldn’t matter where you are based. I know you love your role but there may be more opportunities in the new area than you think. Also, the dream house. I know you have loyalty to your team but eventually those people will move on and at that point you may potentially regret making a big life decision predicated in people who may well not be permanent in your life in the long run. I Would go for moving and work the rest out as you go. Things can sometimes fall into place. Good luck. X

Personally it would have felt highly unnatural to return to work when mine were babies. I waited till they started nursery with the free 15 hours before returning part time.
I understand some people don’t have a choice but as you say you do have that choice I wouldn’t be in any rush. They’re only little for a split second and will be teenagers before you can blink.
as for your husband ‘funding’ you…he’s not funding you he’s providing for his family as he should do having married you, impregnating you with twins and watching you give birth.
why make your life harder right now by adding a job into the mix. You won’t be able to give your job or your twins 100% so one has to give and right now I believe that your twins need the 100% more then your career does.

I love my job and I like working so a dream house that forced me to quit wouldn’t be a dream. I would hate being dependent and hate my entire life being kids and household, it is enough already with my working! We paid an insane amount for a nanny, but it’s short lived. Whereas if you stop working, it WILL be years before you’re back and you’ll take a big salary hit. It will not pay off in the long run.

I hear you on strangers, but, our nanny was a stranger when she started but very quickly was a highly trusted person and now is a friend and part of my DC’s family. Everyone is a stranger in the beginning and I’d honestly rather have our nanny look after DC than even my very capable parents. My point being, you can find someone and build your network to help with pick ups etc.

So do what you think you will feel happiest with, but for the love, don’t be persuaded by the dream house or the completely false economy of staying home to save nursery fees. It does not pay in the long run.

Your babies will only be young once. I would personally choose the option that allows you to spend the most time with them.

A job is just a job. It doesn't define you. Jobs come and go, but these early years with your children will not come back. Don't be sucked in by the negative insecure mindset of "you need a safety of a career". You have a DH who is earning well thankfully.

Move back home. Take time off to look after your twins. I would do this in a heartbeat no contest.

Thinking ahead, which location has the better schools? Thinking further ahead, how remote is where you are now i.e. trying to get twins to different clubs at the same time in two locations, and when they are older, how will they meet up with friends.

How low really are the chances of you getting a job in your field in the family town? Have you thoroughly explored this within say, 30 miles? Can you do your role in a hybrid situation?

I'd be tempted to consider moving, but only if you really really get on with both families and they are happy to help with childcare! Be mindful of schooling, friendships nearby for them and accessibilty to clubs, etc as they grow.

But try so very hard to find a relevant job. Maybe your current company don't want to lose you and could offer part time remote, ot 1 day in? Then leave twins with family and travel in.?

Good luck!

You have trained hard and you love your job.
It is also three days per week - perfect for a long time.
It will be smooth to go back to work.
I would not move.

It is not a given that your husband will like working from home, that you will like your family being the carers or that you will like your new job.
Why not settle your children into care for three days per week and make the change later when the children are at school.

Can you save for a house deposit or purchase an investment unit so that when and if you do move later you will have had an investment working for you?

We live 300 miles from nearest family, so have never had any support or free childcare. I returned full-time to a career job each time and so glad I did. My salary has nearly tripled since the time I had my 1st baby (aged 8 now), despite 3 maternity leaves in 10 years. We didn't find illnesses too much of a problem, although ours rarely get sick for some reason! I'm going part-time now and will still earn a high salary. It's been worth it for us, and a great balance. I think I'd have gone loopy being a sahp, but everyone is different.