Childcare vs career and independence.

[Twinmama22]

Looking for advice on childcare and work. Should I give up my job/ become reliant on husband?

I recently gave birth to twins. They are such dream babies. We go everywhere together and they seem to cope whether we are out all day or at home. They are still little so they are fairly easy to look after at this stage. Once weaning and crawling starts I'll be in for a shock.
One of the reasons the babies go everywhere with me is because I have absolutely no childcare where I live. Literally all my family live 100 miles from me. I have good friends where I stay and they offer to help but they work full time, as I did, so can't really help out when I need it. Hubby has a very good job and we are in a privileged position where money isn't too much of a concern. The pay off is he works long hours, although is very hands on and supportive when home.

My dilemma now comes as where we live is a high cost area and the cost of putting them into nursery almost matches what I would earn at work. We also have the chance to buy our dream home close to our families. Its a small town and houses like this don't come up often. Hubby can work remotely with only a few days in the office every few weeks. I however would need to give up my work to allow this move to happen. The current plan was for me to go back 3 days per week and the babies go to nursey, but the cost just doesn't make financial sense.
I have a very specialised role and it's unlikely I would get the same job at home. I've recently completed a masters in this field and whilst I have transferable skills, I really like my job and the people I work with. I also feel guilty and disloyal at leaving my job after they have supported me so well through my training etc. Hubby will support me whatever decision I make but I really don't know what to do.

My options are;
Stay, work and pay someone else most/all of my wage to look after the babies?

Move home, get help from family and cheaper childcare so I can still work... although unlikely to be in my chosen field?

Give up work for say three years and take care of the babies? This would involve me having to retrain upon return, possibly a self funded 6-12 month course. Whilst money isn't a huge issue... I've always worked and been fiercely independent so I'm really struggling with the thought of my husband funding me.

Any advice, guidance, alternative thoughts would be very welcome. It's hard to get an unbiased opinion as all my friends and family want us all closer to home.

Thanks 😊

If you go back to work soon, you'll probably spend atleast half of it off sick with your kids.. my 3yo started preschool this january and i was unwell for 4 months straight with back to back illnesses (im also pregnant). I'd move to the dream house with family support!

Giving up on work means that you'll lose out on contributing to a pension and things like promotions.

But that said, if you'd rather look after your babies then that's fine, too. Do whatever works for your family.

I would encourage you to keep up with your career and independence even if it is a pared down version whilst the babies are little. I never gave up with it, and I am so glad.

Lots of excellent advice above. i think it’s important to recognise two things:

1 - you are not 100% responsible for the childcare costs. 50% of them are your husbands. So don’t do yourself a disservice of seeing your wage as being fully written off.

2 - The ideal childcare solution will change depending on the season you’re in - so expect change and be flexible. Ie maybe a nanny for now or you, then nursery in the next season then preschool etc. don’t feel overwhelmed trying to find one solution that will see you through until they are older - it probably doesn’t exist.

Remember free child care hours kick in much earlier from next year which may help, if your husband’s income means you qualify

good luck you sound like a lovely mummy.

I wouldn't worry about the relying on your husband part - you will be doing that either way, as in both scenarios you arent actually bringing money into the household, just either keeping your career afloat and paying for childcare, or not working and looking after children... I find after returning to work I feel guilty about the small amount I am bringing in after childcare costs, even though I am working and all the pressure is on him financially.
I decided to go back part time after having DD as if I work a 4th day I am essentially doing it for free as childcare costs swallow it and from my point of view I would rather have the day with my DD, than work for free. I personally would struggle as a SAHM but everyone is different.
Do what is best for you long term, but I would say they are only small once & the illness is savage at nursry so if you can do part time that would be a good compromise...

Would a nanny be an option while you work? That would sort the having to pick them up from nursery issue (with two of them there will be times when one of you will have to leave work to pick them up due to illness).

I didn't have twins but didn't really want to return to work and felt guilty for using nursery but it was the right decision, I still have my career (even though I'm now part time) and the children enjoyed their nursery experience.

Touched on this with my precious post but thinking about it more, I do think it’s really unfair to be relying on family for childcare in your situation. Can understand where there is very willing family, just a day or so a week and only opportunity not to live in rubbish rental accommodation or maintain career but to rely on them just to have a dream house I don’t think is fair at all. Knowing quite a few grandparents, it is something they do and some of them who do it for just one day a week so enjoy it but generally providing this childcare is something they do primarily to enable a better life for their children rather than their own enjoyment. Think realistically how much of an inconvenience it really is having to be the reliable childcare every week compared to just having the kids for the day or weekend so you and your hubby can get away or on an emergency basis. For twin toddlers too! You’re in a nice job, the leeway that will give is invaluable as I’d you suddenly have to take loads of sick day they already know you etc, comfortable enough situation by the sound of it. I do think the inconvenience you’ll be putting your family through should factor larger. I live a distance from my family but didn’t stop them being able to give emotional and practical support when really needed and we have a great time when get together, spend weekends/holidays together etc

P.s. the grandparents will never say to you how much of a burden it actually is, but often quite relieved when time comes for the grandchildren going off to school and can get their own lives back at long last!

@ParkandpicnicI don't think that's a fair assessment of OP's plans. She seemingly intends still to pay for childcare if she moves as she mentions the cheaper cost as another draw.

OP I feel you, this decision is so hard. I've faced this dilemma twice- the first time, with one daughter, I went back to work three long days, and it was tiring (with how full on my days at home were as well!) but it was manageable and I enjoyed it. Work days were my relaxing days! The second time I gave up my job, as the childcare cost for two littles just felt like madness. I stayed at home with them for six months before deciding it was better for me in terms of my happiness, confidence and mental health for me to work part time, so I went back, again for three days a week, and even though the lovely and expensive nanny took up most of my pay, it was better for everyone! Including the kids who loved their 'nanny days' with a young, smiley, energetic and loving breath of fresh air!

I would echo others that you should choose what you want deep down, but also, I would be wary of making these decisions earlier than you need to, i.e. when they are still very small. When my babies were 3/4/5 months I never wanted to work again or be parted from them... By about nine months it becomes something you can envisage more, and then when I went back after a year, my first day back in the office- nice outfit, hot cup of coffee, intellectual challenge- was such a breath of fresh air. I am a better mum when I work but everyone's different.

For me three or four days is a really nice balance. It still means you'll see plenty of your kids - more days than not you're with them all day, if you work three days. Also, going back part time might seem a slog at first, when your wage is cancelled by childcare costs but this doesn't last for ever - your childcare costs reduce a lot when free hours kick in (it comes sooner than you think) and you'll also have the option of wage progression. Soon enough they'll be at school and you'll have a great setup. Plus you're keeping your hand in and keeping your career going and your skills up - and also if you're like me, your confidence and sense of self, more of a balanced marriage in terms of who does and contributes what, and having interesting things to talk to each other, and your friends, about - these things are hard to measure but they're significant.

Also, do what's best for you and your family - your employer will understand, they've seen it all before. Good luck whatever you decide, you sound like you're doing great.

Move home, get help from family and cheaper childcare so I can still work... although unlikely to be in my chosen field?

I don’t know, I got the impression that it would be a combination of the 2?

Having come out the other end with DC now at uni, i would really recommend looking long term. The years when childcare is a huge cost are relatively short, and from the time my DC no longer needed any real childcare to when i will retire is significantly longer. DH and I both live several hours from our families so had no ad hoc childcare help (we had a nanny and parents/PILs would come and spend a week when our nanny was on leave but were not really in a position to help if something came up last minute). Over time you do build up a network of people who can help out in emergencies.
I have friends who had great careers who gave them up to be SAHMs. They all did go back to work of some sort when their DC were older but most of them have less interesting jobs than they used to, particularly where they moved somewhere with fewer opportunities. TBF some are fine with that, some a little resentful. The ones who are happiest career-wise are the ones who took some time to retrain before going back and are doing something completely different to what they did before.

I worked full time thoughout, although DH did reduce his hours to help manage. I think in hindsight if you can do something which lets you keep your hand in but with reduced hours for a period but then ramp back up when DC are older, that it may be the ideal if it is an option.

Also have known a lot of people to make sacrifices to move closer to family (e.g. half an hour rather than 3 hours away) and haven’t found it to have quite met their expectations, they’re surprised their previously keen parents who were happy to travel over every couple of months aren’t now coming over every weekend or actually offering to have the kids more than the week they were previously doing in the school holidays etc

When my twins were babies I sucked up the cost of childcare (which was about one of our wages) to go back to work, because that was important to me. We didn't have any family care either.

Mine are now 14. They were in nursery from 8 months. They don't remember a single thing from that time, and only have hazy memories from pre-school, so don't be guilt-tripped by the 'having someone else raise your kids' brigade. My third never went to nursery at all. Guess what? He doesn't remember that time either.

Do what is best FOR YOU. YOU as a human being in your own right are important. If your career is important to you - and be honest here - and you would struggle to get back into the industry after 2/3 years - then don't take the time out. If it's not, or your husband can support the family on his wage alone, and crucially, you WANT to be at home with them, then take the time out and reassess when they're bigger. Personally I found raising twins - as lovely as they were - both grueling and boring at times. Having the 'break' of work (and it was, for me) was essential for keeping my mental health on an even keel.

As I said above I don't think people should give up work to look after kids like I did unless it is their vocation and makes logical sense (it didn't in my case).

Unfortunately it's impossible to talk about the pros and cons of SAHM because whatever you say people think you're making a value judgement about what they did. However I do think that spending so much time with them when they were small has benefitted my relationship with them now they're teens.

I still wouldn't make the same decision again though, tbh.

My view is that long term the financial hit is worth it. Particularly as you keep your pension going which seems to be an overlooked yet crucial benefit.

I don’t think many mothers DO live to work, and is a flippant reduction of why women return to their careers.

most women have had to make difficult decisions to “leave “ their kids in care of someone else- SAHM do not have the monopoly that your life is about family not work- wtf 🤯

you may never have felt the lack of financial independence- but what if your husband had lost his job or become ill? I went back part time for 5 years, deal was it would have been part time for 7 years, till youngest was in school (note no free nursery places in those days , nursery places at all were only just getting off the ground outside of big cities) . But at 5 years in, my husband developed a severe illness, he was in and out of work for 5 more years, so I had to return full time. And as he couldn’t look after kids either, youngest went into nursery full time. Yes, it broke my heart. But it was necessary to keep the roof over our heads. He didn’t work for the last 15 years of our marriage, and I was sole breadwinner But at least I could increase my hours easily, at a good job, with good progress and a reputation that gave me flexibility when it was needed for kids or my husbands illness, because I’d made the decision to “keep my hand in” by part timing while they were small.

so yep, you may come out of it, with luck on your side, with security and never having to worry about illness or redundancy or even just a horrible bullying boss that your dh needs to quit for his own mental health. But there by the grace of god go you. other people view this as a risk they’re not prepared to take or burden their other half with.

The most “stressed” mother I know as the one that gave up her career to be a SAHP.

Now aged 60, most of our peer group of women, who kept careers going, are able to enjoy retirement or planning for a good retirement in next 7 years.

meanwhile, this women is still being skivvy to 2 of her 3 now grown up, graduated children still living at home, and a husband who , whilst very nice and supportive, does diddly squat about the house, has a high flying career, that means he is now doing “portfolio” board jobs and intends to keep it going into his 70s because he enjoys his way of life.

I asked said friend, when will she retire from being the SAHP and, SAH wife, domestic servant and personal unpaid PA to her husband (didn’t put it quite like that). Her response was a deep sigh, I guess when dh finally decides to stop working.

I asked friend when she thought the last of kids would leave home…she laughed and said “god knows, dh likes the kids to feel it’s their home” .
yeah, well, that’s fine as he not there picking up after them, doing their washing and ironing, cooking etc that she still skivvys around after

whilst you may not think as a SAHM, this is your future, it can end up that way easily. My friend had at least as promising career as her spouse, then came babies- rather in quick succession, she and dh discussed and decided costs beneifits that she’d stay at home. When she did try to get back into work when last one went full time at school, the debate was then “I can’t get a well paying job at level I us3d to, so what’s the point, we don’t need the money” and so on. She is, at 60, still managing the domestic minuscii of 3 adults , trying to care for her elderly mother, justify her “non working status” by juggling huge levels of volunteering, and runs herself ragged, with no idea or control over when, exactly, she will retire.

so, if you are deciding to be SAHM. male sure you discuss the future properly. Someone needs to pay into your pension plan still. You need agreement on what this SAHM role will involve and what it won’t , how long, if you never can return to work when will it stop etc. don’t drift like my friend. I’m not sure she actually regrets her decision, but bloody hell I think she’s lost the plot somewhere in last 10 years to still be doing that shit.

It's always an assumption only made about women too. Why does it have to be one or the other? I love my family but I also love my career so I have both.

Men have both so why can't women?

Do you have an extra room? Would you consider having an au pair? This is what we ended up doing and it was great as so flexible - someone in the house so I could leave early and go to work. Also much cheaper than nursery. I didn’t do it until my kids were a bit bigger though.

An au pair might be OK alongside nursery but not as full time child care even for 3 days a week surely? Also, I thought an au pair couldn’t have charge of a child under 2 anyway.

I could almost be Appleofmyeye2023 friend.

I had twins and stopped working because it seemed to make financial sense. In someways it did, especially at first. I added far more value to our family looking after the kids and home than I could have earned. And that remained true for about 10 years, with school runs, holidays, sickness, etc. we would have paid out more in childcare and home help to have the standard of living that we did than I would have earnt (especially once you take tax into account).

But I struggled with it even when they were young and now they are teenagers I deeply regret not forcing the issue and taking the hit through those early years. I no longer add the same sort of value as the kids don't need me to be present anymore. I can't find work now that I've been out of the workforce for a long time, and certainly not the sort of interesting work I enjoyed before I got pregnant. I'm also in a vulnerable situation financially and my DH is under a lot of pressure to keep working to keep all four of us housed and fed. My role as SAHM and default parent also made me resentful and has, I think, been bad for my relationship with DH (though it's improved a lot since the kids got older).

If you've always wanted to be a SAHM, or if you have a clear and realistic plan for getting back into work, then taking time out now could help ease a lot of stress and make for a great family life. But it sounds like you're pretty invested in your career and get a lot out of it. So I think it would be unlikely to be good, overall, if you just ditched that bit yourself. You need to stop framing it as how much of your wage covers childcare now and instead think of childcare as a joint expense that is allowing both you and your DH to work for yourselves and your future. And while you're at it, make sure your DH's "support" for whatever you choose isn't just lip service but includes doing half the nights, half the sick days, half the driving around, half the making friends with other parents so you have options for play dates and reciprocal childcare, etc.

I think as you have twins a nanny would be a better option as nurseries charge per baby. Also from dd2's experience nurseries send babies home at the slightest sniffle - and you still have to pay! My gs is 15 months old and dd2 went back to work when he was 7 months old. He does seem to catch everything going but I can probably count in one hand the number of full weeks he has had at nursery. Luckily my dd2's dh has a flexible job but it has been a bit of a nightmare.

I'm in a similar position to you and I wouldn't advise my dds to be a SAHM - they've already said they wouldn't consider it as they see the position I'm in! I'm now 57, working on a zero hours contract in a warehouse and my friends are considering early retirement. Years ago we all graduated together and I was considered the 'clever' one.

I would never, ever advise a woman to stop working. Especially someone who is highly qualified.

There's so much good advice on this thread.
I do think you need to carry on working unless it's your absolute dream to be a SAHP.

You do really need to think long term - personal fulfillment, pension contributions, retirement planning, university fees for DC etc. We live over 3 hours away from parents so always had to pay for childcare- there were about 6 years of tightening the belt due to nursey fees. We obviously shared all bills but essentially my whole monthly wage was being used to pay for childcare. We could have afforded for me to be SAHP but I chose not to.

I worked a couple of years part time but found I was doing a lot of extra hours and just decided I would prefer to be paid for them.

I am now mid 40s, 2DC coming to the end of primary.
My DH lost his high paying job a couple of months ago - a good payout but all the same, he needs to find another role.
We're in a pretty decent financial situation. I was thinking, if we were just relying on his wage it would be very, very stressful. T

All the women I know who took a break of more than a few years have found it very hard to get back into the workplace at a similar level role with decent pay.