Childcare vs career and independence.

[Twinmama22]

Looking for advice on childcare and work. Should I give up my job/ become reliant on husband?

I recently gave birth to twins. They are such dream babies. We go everywhere together and they seem to cope whether we are out all day or at home. They are still little so they are fairly easy to look after at this stage. Once weaning and crawling starts I'll be in for a shock.
One of the reasons the babies go everywhere with me is because I have absolutely no childcare where I live. Literally all my family live 100 miles from me. I have good friends where I stay and they offer to help but they work full time, as I did, so can't really help out when I need it. Hubby has a very good job and we are in a privileged position where money isn't too much of a concern. The pay off is he works long hours, although is very hands on and supportive when home.

My dilemma now comes as where we live is a high cost area and the cost of putting them into nursery almost matches what I would earn at work. We also have the chance to buy our dream home close to our families. Its a small town and houses like this don't come up often. Hubby can work remotely with only a few days in the office every few weeks. I however would need to give up my work to allow this move to happen. The current plan was for me to go back 3 days per week and the babies go to nursey, but the cost just doesn't make financial sense.
I have a very specialised role and it's unlikely I would get the same job at home. I've recently completed a masters in this field and whilst I have transferable skills, I really like my job and the people I work with. I also feel guilty and disloyal at leaving my job after they have supported me so well through my training etc. Hubby will support me whatever decision I make but I really don't know what to do.

My options are;
Stay, work and pay someone else most/all of my wage to look after the babies?

Move home, get help from family and cheaper childcare so I can still work... although unlikely to be in my chosen field?

Give up work for say three years and take care of the babies? This would involve me having to retrain upon return, possibly a self funded 6-12 month course. Whilst money isn't a huge issue... I've always worked and been fiercely independent so I'm really struggling with the thought of my husband funding me.

Any advice, guidance, alternative thoughts would be very welcome. It's hard to get an unbiased opinion as all my friends and family want us all closer to home.

Thanks 😊

It’s a shared expense because both partners are economically active and contributing financially to the raising of the children and the financing of the household.

Working parents still raise their children.

@Ep1cfail I completely agree, every time I am at home, including Covid working from home and especially maternity leave DH's (who I am happy with) career has balloned into all that space. I used to earn more than him now part time its 1/3 to 1/4. He pays for all household bills and I contribute to food, pay childcare when I am part time working and all activities and animal costs and household things I want. I would hate to have no financial independence and he is extremely generous. Most aren't after a while in my experience. Any help comes when it's possible for his work and evening mid week activities are almost impossible to plan, certainly not easy enough to be fun, so no evening exercise away from home or meet ups/ cinema trips. Everything needs to fit into 6 hour school day. For the whole of primary school and beyond. It's not just the baby stage, think v carefully about this OP. Also bottom out how much childcare you cab expect, I think a day or 2 max a week and when in school a few drop offs or pick ups is the most a grandparent would do and it will wear them out

Yes I get this but if you have both agree to one parent staying at home you should be still sharing all monies...therefore, you should still be financially independent as you were before. How many people for example, even when both are working go off and spend a fortune on something new without consulting their partner? How much financial independent do you really have when in a relationship - it's nonsense - you should be sharing all financial matter when you have family - hence have access to money if you are the stay at home parent etc.

I don't have multiples but I do have a child with SEND and if I had my time over I would absolutely move closer to family support. Our families live at opposite ends of the country and it seemed like a great idea ten years ago to relocate in the middle, but all it really means is that we are isolated from everyone. However, I have a portable profession and there is almost nowhere that I couldn't find an interesting job.

If being closer to family is your long-term goal then make the move and don't feel too guilty about your current employer, but have a very clear plan for your own career. A session or two with a professional career coach would be a worthwhile investment.

Three years is absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of your career, but it’s enormous in terms of your enjoyment of your babies that you worked hard to make.

I would take the time off personally

OP I also haven't read all the thread but you will find your childcare options are likely to increase if you put the twins in nursery /when they go to school.

Many nurseries will have staff that will offer babysitting in the evening / for a few hours at the weekend - may give you the chance to get out.

When the children start at school, you'll make friends with other parents and get into playdates etc which help. At my twins' primary school, there were quite a few families with no family / babysitters close by so 4 or 5 of us set up a little babysitting circle where we each babysat for each others children and you earned "points" by babysitting which you then "spent" when someone babysat for us (so no cost to anyone). As we got to know more people / families through nursery / school, we also found reliable / sensible teenagers that would babysit.

I went back to work 3 days/wk with twins. Once I'd paid nursery / pension / commuting etc, I came out with a few hundred pounds, but it was good for me, the babies and our long term financial security. Don't get me wrong, there were days when I thought why am I putting myself under this stress (rushing about / feeling like I was doing half a job at work / half a job at home) but looking back now, it was worth it. I wouldn't have given up my career. Unfortunately, the statistics for marriages with twins aren't great (parents of multiples are more likley to get divorced than "normal" families).

I’ve done a bit of everything- sahm till youngest was 3, part time and now full time with teens, also no family.
What I’ve learnt, looking back;

Don’t make the calculation that it’s not worth you working as all your salary will go on child care. That’s not true, part of your salary AND part of your DHs go to childcare - you are both earning, contributing to pensions and keeping your careers and BOTH paying for childcare. I realised this too late and I did begrudge dh his progressing career and I grew to hate being dependent on him for every bit of cash.

I don’t regret being at home when they were tiny for the first year I look back very fondly on this time but I did feel bored and lonely at times. In fact I loved the first few years but with hindsight would have been better back working sooner as it’s taken 8 years to get back to where I should have been!

I did loads of voluntary work as I needed to keep my brain busy, feel useful and have conversations that were beyond the home. This did (not unreasonably) annoy dh!!

if one is working and one isn’t you can’t expect the non working one to do 50% of the housework, getting up in the night etc, it wouldn’t be fair imo. It’s hard for the sahm not to become the main / default parent making the decisions and that can be an issue.

I hate housework so it made sense for me to be earning rather than doing voluntary work and pay for a cleaner.

once back at work We had a great childminder who would do school runs and pick up children in emergencies. Our cleaning lady was amazing and would also look after dcs when ill. Illness is definitely the hardest thing to deal with!

I then had a year at home between jobs after a relocation when the dcs were at school and it was so boring and depressing- every fun activity costs money (gym classes etc) and I felt bad doing that while not earning. It was only fair that I did all the housework and ‘wife work’ as I had nothing to do. I hated it!!! So lonely!

Very glad to be working now!!

I am a teacher though, and love the holidays (even more so now with my teens,) not sure what I’d have done in a different job.

It wouldn't feel like my money personally. It's a reason why I wouldn't be a SAHM.

I think the family support thing is really difficult for anyone to advise on because all families are different.

I am very envious of people with great family support but for us personally, moving closer to family would be more stressful than helpful. You will know your own family and know to what extent it would work to live closer to them

Also I should say the baby years are very, very short- remembering it all now seems very distant and my youngest is only in y8.

Put an offer in on the house. It might not even be accepted. If it is then it might help you to unmuddle everything as it all seems linked to making this decision rushed in order to not miss out.

I remember one house we wanted to move to. We put the offer in, won, jumped with joy and about ten minutes after me and dp rung each other and had both changed our minds. The reality of it helps you process as opposed the pipe dream.

Goodluck

Stay, work and pay someone else most/all of my wage to look after the babies?

This is rubbish but very common. I was literally paying to go to work past year - nursery for my two sons cost more than I earned (after tax). For me it was worth it - I need my career and I was a better parent for not looking after them 24/7. Plus it's only temporary - it flies by. Everyone is different though. Go with what suits you.

I get that and I must confess I occasionally struggled with this myself - but I worked hard at seeing all the incoming monies as shared and I think this is right and fair when you are in a committed relationship with children. We have no problem with this when one gets a bigger salary and therefore, pays more towards to household bills how is it any different. But I get staying at home isn't for everyone and that's fine - we all need to do what is best for our families and we all need choice.

1sttime mama- you do know children go to school when they are 4? Most go to preschool at 2, and parents spend the evening, weekends and holidays with their dcs? So all day (when you could be at work) while they are at school someone else is ‘raising’ them anyway, but the rest of time they spend most of the time with their parents 🙄.

Oh, don’t worry you soon get used to it !

I think this is something that’s easily rectified by saving in advance. I had like a pocket money pot for want of a better description for the year before I had each DC and that 10 grand was mine to spend on what I wanted.

However, you’ve then got to be really careful of not falling into the trap of the DC only ever being paid for by you. My ex-husband had the biggest heart attack of his life when we split up, and he actually had to stop buying his own children, Starbucks etc. Literally has bills did not change from before we met right up until the day we split. He’d never paid for his own kids.
And I know my sister-in-law does exactly the same anything for the house she pays for anything for the baby she buys. It’s a huge mistake.

• start not stop buying

I think whatever you choose .There will always be a compromise .You sound like you are enjoying being at home with your Babies ATM. Its good you have enjoyed your job .Sometimes though things change, and it may seem like a wrench now but a new situation may suit you well .Your DH is supportive, and you have family and a dream home to look forward too.Many women of course use Nursery ,but there will always be a part of you that will miss them .With 2 DC they will pick up their share of bugs and share them with you!

I earn slightly more than my husband but he still pays his fair share financially and that's the difference to me. I wouldn't be happy with carrying the financial responsibility alone or having my husband do it alone.

But we also have separate finances except a joint account which our shares of mortgage, nursery fees etc goes into from our separate accounts. What is left in my account is mine and mine alone, same for my husband too.

So I think it's just a different mindset.

As your childcare costs will be double will it be worth you working? Have you looked into a childminder instead?

There's a lot of potential traps which is a reason why it isn't for me. Saving is a good idea though, it's what I did for maternity leave.

Exactly, and childcare doesn't replace their "Mama" either.

Living near family will become invaluable as the kids grow. It's not impossible to do it without family, but I don't think anyone would tell you it's easier without support.

If I was you I'd be moving, but looking at long term opportunities to continue your career. Where do you want to be in 10-15 years, and how can you make that possible in the new location?

Do you love your current career and would never want to change? Or is there something else you've always wanted to do but haven't because you're happy with what you do/opportunity has never presented itself?

I'd also consider a nanny for two, rather than nursery - social side might not be as good (but can go to classes) but flexibility of hours may be better.

Can you move back home, go part time in your current role and stay over night to do two long days for example?

Personally if you have the chance to move closer to family and that's what you want and it's a dream house, take it, if it doesn't come up often, you would regret not doing it.

Childcare wise maybe look into a nanny rather than nursery till they are a bit older probably cheaper with the two of them.

You will find a job suitable for you, it just may take some time