Childcare vs career and independence.

[Twinmama22]

Looking for advice on childcare and work. Should I give up my job/ become reliant on husband?

I recently gave birth to twins. They are such dream babies. We go everywhere together and they seem to cope whether we are out all day or at home. They are still little so they are fairly easy to look after at this stage. Once weaning and crawling starts I'll be in for a shock.
One of the reasons the babies go everywhere with me is because I have absolutely no childcare where I live. Literally all my family live 100 miles from me. I have good friends where I stay and they offer to help but they work full time, as I did, so can't really help out when I need it. Hubby has a very good job and we are in a privileged position where money isn't too much of a concern. The pay off is he works long hours, although is very hands on and supportive when home.

My dilemma now comes as where we live is a high cost area and the cost of putting them into nursery almost matches what I would earn at work. We also have the chance to buy our dream home close to our families. Its a small town and houses like this don't come up often. Hubby can work remotely with only a few days in the office every few weeks. I however would need to give up my work to allow this move to happen. The current plan was for me to go back 3 days per week and the babies go to nursey, but the cost just doesn't make financial sense.
I have a very specialised role and it's unlikely I would get the same job at home. I've recently completed a masters in this field and whilst I have transferable skills, I really like my job and the people I work with. I also feel guilty and disloyal at leaving my job after they have supported me so well through my training etc. Hubby will support me whatever decision I make but I really don't know what to do.

My options are;
Stay, work and pay someone else most/all of my wage to look after the babies?

Move home, get help from family and cheaper childcare so I can still work... although unlikely to be in my chosen field?

Give up work for say three years and take care of the babies? This would involve me having to retrain upon return, possibly a self funded 6-12 month course. Whilst money isn't a huge issue... I've always worked and been fiercely independent so I'm really struggling with the thought of my husband funding me.

Any advice, guidance, alternative thoughts would be very welcome. It's hard to get an unbiased opinion as all my friends and family want us all closer to home.

Thanks 😊

Exactly. Women need to stop perpetuating this, they are only fuelling the idea that children are 'woman's work' and the only option is for her to look after them full time or her to work to pay someone else to do it.

Childcare is a joint effort within the family and paid childcare is a joint expense.

Do you know for a fact that you would get real, committed help with your children if you moved home. I look after my 16 month old grandson for one day a week ( he's at nursery the other 2) I would have done the same for twins. I am a youngish granny ( 58) but it's still knackering and it's a commitment for every monday . I wouldn't want to do the 3 days my DIL works and I don't think I could have done it with twins without seriously compromising my own life / energy levels. You need to have a clear discussion about what looking after/ helping looks like. You may think it's actual childcare they are considering, they may think it's the odd afternoon or baby sitting on a Friday evening.

I’d personally keep working. Almost half of all marriages end in divorce and I wouldn’t want to be left in a vulnerable situation. Of course no one wants to think their marriage will be one that ends that way, but I’ve always planned for the worse and hoped for the best. How easy would it be to get back into your career after a long break?

I’d go back to work 5 days a week.
The fact you can earn more than the cost of childcare for two babies with only 3 days work is phenomenal. You will progress in your career and the extra income can go towards building a better future.

You also are the Plan B to be the breadwinner for the family if your DH is suddenly disabled or killed. You can’t take for granted that he will always be there and earning a high wage. So I think it’s unwise to quit working for even a few years.

“Dream houses” come and go. Another dream house will be on the market every few months going on forever. I would not let this influence my decision.

Personal opinion is to move to be close to your family. It’s not just about childcare, it’s that emotional support network too. It doesn’t mean you have to give up work for years if you don’t want to. You really don’t know what the world might throw at you - any opportunity could come up which hasn’t even crossed your mind! You might decide to start doing a course and your family could help with childcare, a left field job might arise and you could combine family help with nursery (big believer in nursery - my child started one day a week at 15 months and it was brilliant!).
Or you might just enjoy the children for x amount of time - and make that house a beautiful home ready for all your future.
I took redundancy while on maternity leave and we moved home when our baby was 8 months. I took a part time job when he was about 15 months and childcare was half my mum and half nursery. It worked beautifully - that chance might be there for a reason. A job is a job. Other things in life might only come up once x

^This. Women pay a high price in terms of lifetime income as a result of loss of labour market attachment around childcare.

It is a really difficult decision, I’d say either stay in job and take the temporary cost of childcare hit (if they’ll let you reduce to 2 days even better) or go for the dream house and being nearer family. Although tbh if I was that family I’d be secretly dreading kids with twin babies moving closer and hoping to rely on us for more than the odd bit of babysitting.
If you love your job I definitely wouldn’t give it up otherwise. We paid equivalent to entire salary in childcare for a while (more some months) but was excellent value for the care the nursery gave and the best thing for us all at the time and since youngest turned 3 now only pay 10-20% of salary.

The advantage you have with twins is that the very intense childcare period will be over quickly. It potentially would make sense to do a nanny for a couple of years and then think about nursery when you get some hours. But equally if you choose to stay at home, a 2 year employment gap wouldn’t necessarily be disastrous. It’s much harder to return if you’re looking at 5 or 6.

You would be mad to give up work. Stop behaving as if the babies are yours alone, and childcare costs are met out of your salary alone. This is an ordinary dilemma faced by all working couples with children, and you’ll need to work out the logistics and finances together. And one option is obviously that, if your DH’s job is inflexible, he changes jobs or fields to be able to co-parent.

Yes this absolutely, as a single parent previously the government paid most of my childcare costs. However being lucky enough to now have children with supportive husband, WE paid the cost together and still lucky enough to benefit from the 20% government support. Yes we had to make sacrifices (no holidays of dream house etc) to have children as either way (stay at home or nursery) it would cost us money but this wasn’t a surprise to us??

I have been the SAHP for 5 years. I dont have twins but two kids 15 months apart. I honestly wouldn't recommend it. I don't know what your husband is like but for me the parenting, housework, waking nights, admin and general life are all my responsibility because he's working. I've been trying to apply for jobs because the littlest is starting nursery but now the expectation is that I'll work around the children because he's the primary earner. Prior to having the kids we had similar earning potential. He now earns 15k more than I'll be able to. He also has paid into his pension. He's done training and career development while I have a huge gap on my CV and no current t experience. I've loved being with the kids but at times I've felt trapped. I would have earned less that the childcare bill so working just wasn't viable but I wish I'd looked at it differently. The childcare bill wasn't just mine and shouldn't have been compared to my income. Can you both reduce your hours so both can take on some parenting? Oh and I have no close family and if I was you I'd move nearer to family. It will make your life much easier in the long run.

When do you need to decide by? You say you recently gave birth - babies are very different to toddlers, and you might find the toddler stage a lot harder to deal with. Personally it would be my idea of hell to be trapped at home with two 18 month olds 😂 Work was a blissful break.

I wouldn't give up my well-loved career or independence. If you want to move home ultimately (bearing in mind you'll be best doing that before the kids are at school, even before you're choosing schools) I would start looking into how to work there. Could you work remotely, or hybrid and travel once a week? Work two days with an overnight stay? Set up a business there yourself?

I know people say they're not little for long, you'll miss this stage... but also they're not little for long, and you need to earn money and be a fulfilled human for the rest of your working life.

I would go with the job you love
You spend more time at work when awake than not
A good job is really important if you can find it

When the twins reach school age the costs will ease but 5 years out your job may not be as easily recoverable

The right answer now will not necessarily be the right answer in five years' time, or ten years' time or twenty years' time. All you can do is make your decision based on what feels, now, to be the right answer, and then deal with the fall-out as it happens.
I couldn't personally have put my children in a nursery, but the down side to that very good decision is that I ended up divorced and unemployable in my 40s...

Really tough.

Firstly, wether you decide to SAH or not, I definitely wouldn’t move, thus committing to losing a career you state you ‘really like’, off the back of what your tiny baby twins are like now. Best friend has twins. Weaning and crawling still isn’t the hard bit to be honest. They are 4 but the toddler - pre schooler years nearly broke her and she ended up going back to work 3.5 days/week at about 20 months having planned to be at home with them until school as she recognised she was at risk of burn out being home with them all the time. Spend a good long while reading the boards here about 1-4 year olds, multiply it by 2 and then see if you still feel the same. She found family help beyond the odd few hours of babysitting really fizzled out when the offer was caring for two wild, none napping 2.5 year olds as opposed to two cute sleepy little babies. There will be other great houses if you do decide to move, but as there is no rush I’d see how parenting pans out for longer first. Trying to work and put yourself through a 6-12 month course and look after two pre schoolers just to get back to where you are now sounds like a hideous juggle, which I personally wouldn’t chose for the sake of a house until I’d really firmly decided the SAH life was definitely for me.

And, as lots of others have said, stop thinking about your income solely in relation to childcare. If you can afford childcare from the joint pot then you can afford it. Its about so much more than surviving the few years of hideous childcare costs. It’s about your long term earning potential and security.

Oh and yes, for the first two years of nursery most of 'my' salary went on childcare. But it's a joint expense, comes out of the joint account (which my partner pays more into because he earns more), and that's pretty normal for most working parents. If you can afford to have twins in nursery and still work (and gain experience, pension etc) you're in a better position than most.

Wait until your babies get older and see how that changes how you feel.

I am also in a fortunate position where we do not need me to work as my DP earns more than enough to cover us to a good standard.

My DD is now 8 months - it is full on. Crawling so I can’t turn by back for a second. Each meal takes 1hr plus and you’ll have two!

At the beginning I didn’t want to return to work but now I’m really looking forward to going back. It’s something for me, adults to talk to about adult stuff and quite honestly a break! I don’t know how SAHMs do it!

Even if nursery equalled what I earn (it doesn’t) I would still be protecting my career for further down the line when more free childcare is available.

You will know the right decision in your heart, just don’t make it when high on the adrenaline of the new born phase x

I feel like it is often a short sighted decision to be a SAHP. Nursery fees are expensive but they are also temporary and SAHP would also mean losing your earning potential, career progression, pension etc.

Childcare is also a joint income, stop thinking about it only coming from your salary. Especially as you say your husband has a good salary.

Financial independence is important, as is having something for yourself outside of being a mother.

But I'm biased because I'd hate to be a SAHM.

Just had a thought. Apologies if it's already been said.

Why not try the one you can . Namely get twins in nursery work your current job see how it feels works out if it's too much then leave , but you will have tried it.

Then you can make an informed choice.

You'll soon know working six months if it's working out.

Good luck

OP what jumps out for me from your post is how absent your DH is in all this. You say he’ll be supportive of your decision either way - but, with respect, he needs to be an active participant in deciding how your family life will work with option A and B. There are some big decisions to make in there and you’re describing a dynamic where you are having to make all the sacrifices / compromises without him having to engage brain at all. That is not a feasible approach to parenting and it will set you up for issues further down the line.

Personally I wouldn’t give up work, for all the reasons other posters have stated. In addition I would offer this perspective - it’s true that kids are only tiny once, but my experience has been that they need and want you - actually YOU, not someone to wipe their bum etc - more as they get older. I decided to go back to work when they were tiny to give myself an option of taking a career break when they were a bit older, all those miles in the tank and goodwill at work helps too in terms of seniority, impact of career break etc. I’d go back to work now and see how you find it - you can always reverse the decision if it feels wrong. Dream houses will come and go, you can always find another one down the line.

The first few years with childcare costs are tough. We have learnt to be fluid, nothing is permanent and we have both adjusted working patterns & employers over the 11 years we have been parenting. I remember when we had 2 in nursery the fees were crippling and we were pretty much just breaking even with me working. I kept telling myself that I'm setting a good example to my kids by working - it was my mantra I think to stop me feeling like a mug paying all my wage in childcare! So my advice is just that - nothing is permanent, stages are temporary and your needs as a family will change as the babies get older - try not to plan too far into the future. Im not sure that will help with your decision making but its just words of advice from one mum to another. Good luck!

I would add that making decisions with your gut at this point is an error. Your gut decision will be based on guilt, hormones, and social conditioning. Let the brain lead.

I gave up work after DC2 and I never recommend anyone does it. It's a bit different if you want to move near family and can't do your current job there because that is a long-term decision, but do not find yourself saddled with all the domestic responsibility. I was lucky enough (very lucky) to get a job that was on a level with the one I left after 8 years at home but after 8 years getting the domestic responsibilities to be both our responsibility has been extremely tough going. I could say more about finances, pensions, feelings of self worth, escape funds, and lack of societal respect but I think I'll just leave it at USE YOUR BRAIN NOT YOUR HEART here.

It's interesting how people are saying childcare is a joint or shared responsibility (which I totally agree with) and the cost should be shared between a couple - yet if one parent stays at home you are suddenly lacking financial independence. Surely your finances should be joined once you have decided to have a family together - so you share the responsibilities of all financial matters - I never felt I lacked financial independence when I was a sahp. I do agree you lose out over the long term in terms of your pension and life time earnings. However, for me life is about my family rather than work. I don't live to work... but hey everyone is different.

Not read all the replies so I don't know if anyone's suggested a nanny or childminder instead of nursery.
I worked with a lot of families that couldn't always specify what time they'd be able to collect their little ones. As I worked with these families for many years we became very close. Even now the kids are teenagers, when the parents are away they call me in an emergency or just pop round for a good meal.

This is a very personal decision, that I'm not sure others' opinions will help with.
For me, there was not a chance I was having other people raise my children, look after them, experience their firsts etc. There's not a job in the world that would take me away from my children, especially if the wages only just covered the cost of childcare. I had a career where only 2 women in my area had children, and they never saw them because of their commitment to their work, this soon made me realise there was far more important things than a job.
I would move to your dream house, be with your children, and reasses at later date if and when you feel you want to return to work and what your options are. You'll never get this time back, and you are replacable at work, but no childcare can replace you as their Mama.