Childcare vs career and independence.

[Twinmama22]

Looking for advice on childcare and work. Should I give up my job/ become reliant on husband?

I recently gave birth to twins. They are such dream babies. We go everywhere together and they seem to cope whether we are out all day or at home. They are still little so they are fairly easy to look after at this stage. Once weaning and crawling starts I'll be in for a shock.
One of the reasons the babies go everywhere with me is because I have absolutely no childcare where I live. Literally all my family live 100 miles from me. I have good friends where I stay and they offer to help but they work full time, as I did, so can't really help out when I need it. Hubby has a very good job and we are in a privileged position where money isn't too much of a concern. The pay off is he works long hours, although is very hands on and supportive when home.

My dilemma now comes as where we live is a high cost area and the cost of putting them into nursery almost matches what I would earn at work. We also have the chance to buy our dream home close to our families. Its a small town and houses like this don't come up often. Hubby can work remotely with only a few days in the office every few weeks. I however would need to give up my work to allow this move to happen. The current plan was for me to go back 3 days per week and the babies go to nursey, but the cost just doesn't make financial sense.
I have a very specialised role and it's unlikely I would get the same job at home. I've recently completed a masters in this field and whilst I have transferable skills, I really like my job and the people I work with. I also feel guilty and disloyal at leaving my job after they have supported me so well through my training etc. Hubby will support me whatever decision I make but I really don't know what to do.

My options are;
Stay, work and pay someone else most/all of my wage to look after the babies?

Move home, get help from family and cheaper childcare so I can still work... although unlikely to be in my chosen field?

Give up work for say three years and take care of the babies? This would involve me having to retrain upon return, possibly a self funded 6-12 month course. Whilst money isn't a huge issue... I've always worked and been fiercely independent so I'm really struggling with the thought of my husband funding me.

Any advice, guidance, alternative thoughts would be very welcome. It's hard to get an unbiased opinion as all my friends and family want us all closer to home.

Thanks 😊

The childcare years are very short. All working parents, including those with no family support, manage illnesses etc, and the expense is short term. It's the 6-7 primary school years that you should think about in terms of career.
With you being sahm for a couple of years you don't want the all too common phenomenon of your husband abdicating responsibility for domestic and child duties, making it doubly difficult for you to resume your career.
And if you do decide to step away from work, make sure he's paying into your pension!

Hi OP,

Hi have a three year old (4 in a couple of weeks) and 1 year old twins (2 in September)) . I went back to work when they were 14 months and left after 4 months.

We were laying just over £2k a month in childcare for the 3 of them, I was not happy as I missed them so much. So we agreed I stop working for a few years. However, in this, I had concerns like yours. I agreed a "package" with my husband to make me feel a bit better.

One day a week they are at childminders and Saturdays my husband takes them out in the morning for the morning or day. He also pays me £700 into my account every month - they money is mine , which pays for gym membership, therapy and any savings or anything I want to do. Everything else , he covers.

I'm not going to have more babies after the twins and thought I'm never going to get this time back.

Absolutely loving our decision and I am having a blast with them.

The childcare years are such a financial toll.

I went back to work after each of my 2DC were born. I went part time for about 2 years but then went back to FT. Virtually all my wage went onto childcare. It was hard and annoying but 10 years on it was the right decision for us

I know many friends who stayed off work. They are finding it so hard to now get back into the workforce after circa 10 years.

I like work. I am a better mum because I work and financially so much more secure.

Only you can answer this one, sounds like your DH will support you either way

Part time work is a good balance.

Even if your net pay is zero because of the cost of childcare, you will be getting and making pension contributions and advancing.

My children are much, much older and I so appreciate having carried on working, albeit part time

It means I can support them through University and start planning an early retirement.

Wise words

I'd stay and try it out. You can always look to move later if you feel it would be better.

I think for a lot of people young childcare costs outstrip wages. I kept going part time in my job as I have seen a lot of women struggle to get back into the work they wanted after a career break. If you moved back are you absolutely guaranteed reliable and regular childcare for the twins? That can be quite an ask and not always as available as it seems as other people value their independence also. If you give up your work you will be most likely responsible for all drop offs/ pick ups/ meals and school holidays and events and classes. This does mean a significant loss of independence. For those reasons I stayed at work part time in a lower level job, changing jobs on maternity leave for something within my field that was shorter hours. Big decision to make, congratulations on your twins. Give yourself time to make this large decision

I went back to work FT after DS, thankfully got to a decent position before mat leave so childcare costs didn’t take it all. We moved 3yrs ago (when DS had just turned 5) to be near my parents as we had no one in our previous city. We’d become pretty independent in our childcare needs so don’t rely on my parents much, but it is nice to have them nearby to give DS a wider feeling of family, be there for emergencies and for them to babysit.

However the sacrifice has been on my career. We are in a rural town and most jobs in high are my nest move are in the nearest city 1hr by train or ironically back in the city where we moved from. So I’m now a bit stagnant in promotion terms. I really miss my friends and some aspects of city living but don’t regret it. I can now walk DS to school (he uses breakfast and after school) on the days I work from home and finish early on Fridays to pick him up after school. It’s also blinking beautiful and calm where we live, something I never appreciated as an 18yr old escaping to a metropolis for uni!

As others have said, it’s hard to envisage leaving them when they’re babies and is financially and mentally tough in the early years. I don’t think jobs are should be the whole focus of our life choices, it has to be a balance. In your shoes I’d go back PT because you’ve trained for and built a career you love, and see how you get on that way you have a foot in both camps. Another dream home will come up, you can revisit it then.

best of luck whichever you chose.

Gosh didn’t spot the typos. Should say “which are my next move”.

I think they are two different decisions.

If you always planned to move back home, and you're certain there are no jobs in your field available there, then loosing your current job is inevitable? So I would go now, to get settled whilst the babies are young, you can have the support, let them build relationships with your families, get on the waiting lists for nurseries, choose your schools, and when mat leave is finished reconsider your employment options.

One is long term life goals for your family, the other is a 3 day week job that doesn't pay very well.

It's difficult to consider what your line of work is that you are so constricted to a particular location and an inability to leave if your child was sick. So whatever that field is - it's not very compatible with parenting overall.

Work life balance is key - your kids are going to get sick a lot, twins life is going to get harder and you dont have a plan in place to support it.

Being a mum is fab, I work full time in senior position (Director) my dh works away 2 nights a week. We have no family nearby. The only way it works is because I have complete autonomy over my schedule and being in office or at home - any rigidity there and we'd be screwed, it just wouldn't work, as there is no-one else. Even friendships support we do have becomes dependant on the relationship of the child with the friend - and you have twins, lots of people would struggle to look after twins that aren't theirs even for a couple of hours.

Discuss with your husband what how would it work if you are unemployed for a period of time. Do you have a joint account today? How would you access money that you needed.

You can still work and be financially independent in time, but that doesn't sound very viable right now and again you are more likely to achieve that by having family support around you.

I’m not career focused at all so the decision would be easy for me.
as a mum of three I don’t know what I’d do without my family for support and the pull of my dream home would be huge.
however I do understand how hard it must be to love and not want to give up your job.
Time really does fly I’d soak up every second of the babies being young and take a break from work.
good luck in which ever decision you do make ❤️

With twins it just often doesn’t make financial sense to go back to work. The twin mums I know took a few years out because they just couldn’t afford the childcare. You’re not giving up work forever. But I would have serious questions about pension etc.

You love your current job; you currently don’t feel at ease with anyone looking after your babies. To me, you have your answer. Stay where you are and stay home with your babies for 2/3/5/7/11 years - whatever feels right to you. As the saying goes, nobody dies saying they wished they’d spent more time in the office.

It sounds like you almost feel guilty at the idea of staying at home with them. It’s a perfectly reasonable choice and you’d be making a big contribution to family life. Not all contributions are financial.

In time you can return to your career if you choose to do so. The baby/young child years go very fast.

Mov8ng home doesn't necessarily mean you will have support. It's all very well say8ng grandparents/family will help but in reality?
Alo, moving h9me near grandparents-you could become THEIR carers

Be aware that being a SAHP generally means being the family domestic drudge - the support act to everyone’s main event. It is extremely hard work to avoid that dynamic and for me it would have killed my marriage.

I also wanted to have my own income stream and pension. It’s very easy for all of a sudden 10 years to have passed and you’ve been out of the workforce, with no pension contributions and you may be attempting to reenter the workplace at a junior level, competing with younger graduates. Now my kids are late primary the difference in family circumstances between those where both parents kept their careers going is significant - in terms of lifestyle (moved to bigger houses/extended, holidays) and opportunities for children.

Childcare is a family responsibility, not just yours.

You have fallen into the strange mindset women have that childcare comes out of your salary. It is not your responsibility to cover childcare out of your wage alone, your husband needs to cover it too.
You will both only need to pay for childcare for a few years, but this will set you back career wise. It’s better to keep your foot in the door, even if part time.

I had twins and chose to look after them myself rather than send to nursery. Don’t regret it for one moment. It’s been my life’s biggest joy seeing their development and sharing their fun every day. Sure it’s been really hard at times (I also had a toddler when I had the twins) and some times it’s monotonous, but being directly involved with their day to day care, taking them places each day, making their food and watching them interact has been all worth it.
I made sure I organised plenty of play groups and meet ups with other adults (and their kids) so I didn’t feel isolated.
I don’t really think of it as ‘relying on my husband’ He relys on me as much as I do him - after all I do all the childcare of his children. It means he doesn’t have to think about when they are sick and can’t do to childcare, or when he works really late or has meetings after work or needs to meet clients in the city / go on work trips. If I had a job that did the same then we would be screwed.
If you can retrain when they start nursery / school then I would wholly encourage you to do that

whatever you do don’t give up work. You come across as very intelligent and not having any brain stimulation would be like watching paint dry day in day out for you.

It's not any different from having two kids in child care of different ages, it's just crammed into a shorter time period.

This is brilliant advice. Unless you don't like being at home with your children. I loved being a stay at home parent and my career. I went back to work after my first and regret it so much. Like the pp's have said babies/ children are young just once! Jobs come and go - after my second was born I decided to be a stay at home parent and I took 9 years out. I managed to step right back into my career after nearly a decade out with no regrets. There is no right or wrong answer but you need to do what is right for you and your family. Good luck.

Everyone is different.

For me i would pick

Move home, get help from family and cheaper childcare so we can still work... can have a better quality of life longterm although unlikely to be in my chosen field?

Because what was important to me was:
Family balance (happiness of each individual)
My home environment (i value living in a nice spacious home)
My own money (i care about earning but post kids dont care what i do)

We moved near family pre children. Seeing the relationship between my mum and my DD gives me pure joy its so gorgeous and they love each other so much. It melts my heart
I enjoyed being at home on mat leave and going back was hard as dd was "just getting good". But our family is happier now i am back at work (might be a demographic thing but all my friends with babies said pretty much the same thing).

If you always had an idea you would move home what would be your plans there ?

I am not sure I would want to give up a career I loved . What is the distance ? Is there a point you could move closer to home but still get to work ?

In a slightly similar situation (I don't have twins) I returned to work 3 days a week. I wanted to, and needed to for my own well-being. I kept my skills up to date, and pension and NI, and now my DC are secondary age, I am pushing my career again.

I don't think giving up work and starting again or taking "any" job would have suited me. I didn't realise how much of my self worth is tied up in my professional identity until I didn't have one!

The downside of this, is that growing up 250 miles away from their grandparents, my dc have never had grandma and grandad etc at nativities, so

I gave up a decent professional career 15 years ago for similar reasons . I’ve never looked back . I knew I wanted to raise my little ones and could not do both child raising and career to the standard I wanted to . My career was very much doing full time role in part time hours -so taking into account my own poor childhood I gave up work . Lots of people will tell you not to risk your future financial stability - do what is right for you but understand the risks

If you have the financial stability to see it that way, absolutely. But I think most twin parents balk at two residential school trips, two sets of university etc always being at the same time.