Childcare vs career and independence.

[Twinmama22]

Looking for advice on childcare and work. Should I give up my job/ become reliant on husband?

I recently gave birth to twins. They are such dream babies. We go everywhere together and they seem to cope whether we are out all day or at home. They are still little so they are fairly easy to look after at this stage. Once weaning and crawling starts I'll be in for a shock.
One of the reasons the babies go everywhere with me is because I have absolutely no childcare where I live. Literally all my family live 100 miles from me. I have good friends where I stay and they offer to help but they work full time, as I did, so can't really help out when I need it. Hubby has a very good job and we are in a privileged position where money isn't too much of a concern. The pay off is he works long hours, although is very hands on and supportive when home.

My dilemma now comes as where we live is a high cost area and the cost of putting them into nursery almost matches what I would earn at work. We also have the chance to buy our dream home close to our families. Its a small town and houses like this don't come up often. Hubby can work remotely with only a few days in the office every few weeks. I however would need to give up my work to allow this move to happen. The current plan was for me to go back 3 days per week and the babies go to nursey, but the cost just doesn't make financial sense.
I have a very specialised role and it's unlikely I would get the same job at home. I've recently completed a masters in this field and whilst I have transferable skills, I really like my job and the people I work with. I also feel guilty and disloyal at leaving my job after they have supported me so well through my training etc. Hubby will support me whatever decision I make but I really don't know what to do.

My options are;
Stay, work and pay someone else most/all of my wage to look after the babies?

Move home, get help from family and cheaper childcare so I can still work... although unlikely to be in my chosen field?

Give up work for say three years and take care of the babies? This would involve me having to retrain upon return, possibly a self funded 6-12 month course. Whilst money isn't a huge issue... I've always worked and been fiercely independent so I'm really struggling with the thought of my husband funding me.

Any advice, guidance, alternative thoughts would be very welcome. It's hard to get an unbiased opinion as all my friends and family want us all closer to home.

Thanks 😊

The choice is ultimately up too you. It is great that your in a position to have these options!

However, I feel that every women needs something outside of the family/husband. I would always suggest if you are going to give up a something that is specifically financial independent for you. Please consider a side part that you have something for yourself.

Motherhood is so rewarding but extremely tough, so, when stresses of life and husband having to commute start, life is very different.

I only speak from my own experience and being completely blind sided by family and being a good idea for me to give up work. I lost me. So, I would say make a commitment to have something for yourself on a weekly basis. Especially your own income, even if it is small.

I am glad you said it's just your opinion. You sound very narrow minded and judgey.

I'll be honest, I found the baby months /years pretty tedious and I was skipping back to work after both of my maternity leaves.

I know amazing SAHPs and I know people who are better parents because they work.

It sounds like OP really enjoys her job and independence.

My babies now all grown up, I gave up full time work although I wasn’t sure I would but I decided quite quickly found it simple because I didn’t like my job, or the commute - but I did miss colleagues and non baby conversation. I would have had to leave baby 1 with childminder at 7.30 for up to 11 hours, I chose to bring another human into the world, one who would not be able to tell me their preferences, other than the tears when I left them. I couldn’t do it. I don’t regret the time I had with my babies, I have really happy memories and memories of how tired I was too. I also met new women some older some younger and from different jobs/careers that I met through our babies, I still see regularly 28 years later - we wouldn’t have become so close too if we hadn’t all chosen part time work initially. I had a good job, reasonably well paid with possible Career but no degree or profession and if I had my time again I wish I had qualifications to fall back on with the ability to take a break but resume a career too. I would also say husband who enjoys work (mostly) has 3 times been out of work demonstrating your employers are not always loyal to you. Your children will always be your children, even when they rebel a little or a lot, and I have observed the friends whose children have struggled the most in teenage years have been those bought up by childminders and nannies and in nurseries. Secure attachments at an early age has an impact. Your babies will need that attachment and parenting for the rest of their lives. If you and their father can make them feel secure and that you will be there always - I truly feel the difficult years will be less difficult. I am not saying don’t work, but don’t work if your children only see you for one waking hour. If you are able to do something part time to give you a break and a different focus and feeling of worth then that is the perfect world in my view, also several friends retrained and changed careers during their break. The 4 years before school starts will fly by. With pensions likely not to be paid until nearly 70 - make the most of those few years at the start.

I grew up with a SAHM and I would never want the same for my child. We all have different experiences.

Nursery care for my son but they don't raise him.

The thing that I find annoying is that they get really lovely just before they go to school and you then have less time with them. My youngest was a very spirited 3 year old and my non working day was really hard work. Now she’s only got a couple of months before school I’m really cherishing that day a week with her and I’ll miss having my little buddy around.

Whatever decision you make, don’t make it on babies- imagine your life with them at 2,3,4 and older and the different stages including what might be best for them and you. Logistically nursery/nanny tends to be easier than school as there are less demands on you re pta, special assemblies, nativity, random trips that need odd collections etc. I think people assume they will give up work for eerily years and that school will be an easier time to find a job. I don’t think that’s really true as while it will be cheaper to get your 9-3 covered, the other arrangements around holidays clubs, wraparound etc often feel more precarious.

I wouldn't move for childcare. Family may offer but when it is a reality you don't know if they will be that helpful.

I chose to bring another human into the world, one who would not be able to tell me their preferences, other than the tears when I left them. I couldn’t do it.

I wonder if your partner ( if you had one) felt the same way ? 11 hours does seem a longtime, after DC1 DH and I shared pick ups, drop offs and sick days. My DCs are adult and nearly adult now, secondary school and University is incredibly expensive. Glad we have always had 2 salaries.

Also bear in mind it's often easier to get flexible working in an existing job than when you start a new one. They already know you in existing job and, assuming you've already worked there for 26 weeks, you have the right to ask for flexible working (not the right to get it though!).

Starting a new job, you have to have been in it for 26 weeks before you can ask for flexible working, then they have weeks to respond. So you could find you struggle to get something flexible that fits well with school if you leave work and then try to return.

@Goldencup that argument isn't really relevant. A child needs someone to look after them. So if you want that person to be a parent, one would need to go and work and one would need to stay at home. Why should the one who is more likely to return to work be wrangling over their emotions?

My DH was lucky enough to be able to go to part time when our eldest was little and have a day a week with her for her 2nd/3rd year. But not all jobs are equally flexible.

Yes someone in a truly equal relationship that role is shared. It doesn't necessitate one person giving up their earning potential entirely, doing this is a bad idea for all the reasons already spoken about. If it worked for you and you have managed to retain financial stability and independence despite not working good for you. However that scenario is not the most common one, often women ( and it nearly always is women) end up with little pension, reduced earning potential and entirely reliant on their DH long after the children have left.

@Goldencup I don't agree that something has to be identical to be equal. If a couple have good communication and ground rules there is no need for anyone to be take advantage of because they have a different role.

My father worked away a lot, and my mum never enjoyed working so she was a SAHM until my sister and I were in secondary school. But it was clear that my father understood and respected her contribution and they had clear and fair financial rules in place. She was never taken advantage of.

I haven't chosen to be a SAHM . My husband and I both went part time when I was returning from Mat leave after DC1. That worked for us. But many careers aren't as flexible about part time as teaching.

Yes, it is often the woman that reduces her hours. That's not a problem IF she has agreed ground rules with her DH and has clear protections in place. My mum has a pension every bit as good as my dad - paying into that was a necessary commitment.

There's plenty of research that small children are best off cared for by family. That's obviously not possible/ideal for everyone, but I do think mumsnet seems to be confusingly against the whole idea.

I support choice for parents. Being a mother seems to be undervalued and I think that's a shame. Paid work is not the only valuable thing you can choose to do with your time. Rather than always insist that a woman MUST work to be safe, I would rather there was more advice on steps SAHM can (and arguably should) take to protect themselves and their interests.

Anyway, digressing from the point of the thread.

I repeat my earlier advice - OP has time to make the best decision for herself and her family and should think carefully and not rush decisions while flooded with post-partum hormones.

Hello all,
Wow... what a response. Lots to read through and lots of various points of view which has been great and exactly what I needed so thank you.

A little update on where we are at as a family and what our thinking is.

Firstly, we didn't plan on having twins. They are a beautiful surprise. We were unsure if one baby would ever happen so two was a shock. Hence why I focused on a career and was comfortable moving away from family. Obviously, we would have had the same issues with one baby and child care and no close family. However, the expense and the worry about two babies getting sick, needing time off etc seems to feel less manageable than if it were just one baby... but I could be wrong. We are also on waiting lists for nurseries/childminders in our area and have been since pregnant, but there is a shortage and we are yet to confirm placements. I haven't looked at the option of a nanny, but will consider it.

We do have a very supportive network and family back home. Both sets of grandparents are very hands on and often visit us to help at the moment. They have even offered to take it in turns to come stay and look after the babies when (if) I go back to work. Whilst very generous of them, they have other family commitments at home and travelling to stay with us for 3-4 days every other week is unachievable and unpractical long term. Grandparents plus aunties/ uncles and childhood good friends would all be available to help out back home. Something I have discussed with them. I wouldn't want to rely on them all everyday all day, but I feel I have a back up plan at home should I need it.

After lots of comments, hubby and I looked at topping up my pension and NI contributions, if I decide not to go back to work. We have also looked at me having an 'allowance' which is separate from our joint account and would allow me a bit of autonomy and savings.
I don't know how I feel about this as it would still be relying on husband to 'give me money'. I've worked and earned my own money and been financially independent since my teens. Giving up that ability to earn just seems a bit alien to me.

I am slowly trying to change my mindset of relying on husband. It is a partnership and we both have our roles. Due to finances, it makes sense for hubby to work and provide and for me to reduce hours or pause working life for a bit of time to raise our babies. Perhaps this is just the way life goes when you have small babies and I need to realise I can't have it all, at least not for a few years anyways.

Lastly, the house. I get that lots of people have said to forget about the house. We haven't put a bid in yet and there's no way of knowing if we will get it. We need to sell firstly etc. It is a dream house in the perfect location which ticks all the boxes for us. Property is scarce where we come from, very rural and it would be hard to find a house like this again, although not impossible. If we get it great, if we don't the idea of the house and moving has certainly made us really discuss where we want to live, raise our family and the expectations we all have of work/ life/financial balance etc.

I am still to make a decision but I feel I am leaning towards moving home, house dependent. Trying to still work in some capacity such as freelancing (I never really considered this before, but definitely a viable option). I know I definitely would get work, it just wouldn't always be in my specialised field.

Also, just to note... Hubby is very supportive and hands on. He does his fair share of household chores. He probably cleans the kitchen better than I do and he loves a gadget so hoovering is his domain :)

Thank you all for your input. It really has been helpful.

Sounds like you have done a lot of thinking.

Re. moving - check out the schools - primary and secondary. I know so many people that have moved to get into an amazing primary but find out they are out of catchment for the great secondary and need to move again. IMO moving for the secondary school is more important than the primary school

Family support is a biggie

You have nothing at the moment

If you do go back to work and I think you should even part time , then consider a nanny

Kids are often ill at nursery and off so in the first term or two they will catch everything and be off lots even more with two

So you need back up whether at home /gp or a nanny

Go with your gut feeling. I couldn't bring myself to put my dc into child care myself, my choice. Also childcare issues don't stop when they even reach secondary school. I'm still picking up the pieces of one dcs life in mid 20's (sn)

So what are you suggesting — that the OP should quit the workforce because childcare problems never end even when your children are adults, and these somehow require female economic sacrifices?

I’m going to say that many women are still picking up the pieces 20 years on after getting divorced with no job prospect because they became SAHM or worked only part time with a little job that fitted around their DH around the dcs.

Yes sometimes, like some SN, ill health etc… children need their parents more.
What isn’t right is when it’s the woman who shoulder it all, has no pension, no work experience whilst the father carries on as of nothing happened.
Children are the responsibility of BOTH parents. There is no reason why women should have all the inconvenience and sacrifices and fathers none (or very little)

I have observed that the least independent 20 years old had mothers who didn't work and had time to do everything for their children even as they got older.

A working mother is a great role model for older children. A mother picking up the socks of a teenager is not preparing child for adult life.

@QueensBees I agree that scaling down is financially risky for most women, but the alternatives of pursuing a career are equally difficult. Both dh and I had very FT careers, normally 60 to 70 and sometimes even 80/90 hours/week. Our dcs have special educational needs/neurodiverse, so are struggling with childcare. We spent a lot of money on live in nannies plus nursery/aftersvhool care, and it was exhausting for all of us to the point that dc would refuse to go to school and I prayed to get diagnosed with cancer because I just couldn't handle it anymore. Just being depressed/anxious didn't get me day off work in my career . Now working in a job, not a career, 20 hours/week, so about half what I used to. Earning about a 30th of what dh earns, but if we both scared back to 'normal' 9 to 5 jobs, working both 40 hours/week, we would have about 1/5 or 1/6th of our current combined income. That's not what I want either. Sometimes the best of all compromises is letting 1 spouse earn a lot and scaling back to spare everyone a nervous breakdown/autistic meltdown/dropping out of school and becoming suicidal. If he divorces me, I get half of our wealth and his pension, and I very much enjoy what I do for a living, even if it is pocketmoney compared to what I used to earn, and even though it is not a career but just a job that fits around dh and dcs. In fact, it is lovely being able to just do a job, come home and not think about it but focus on myself, dcs, dh, housework etc.

This, DS is 19 and he champions me in my career, encouraging me to go for promotions etc. He is proud of how hard I work and what I have achieved. He is also an excellent cook and can use a washing washing machine!

Ot even a washing machine

@Twinmama22 - Hi OP, what did you decide to do in the end? Xxx