Childcare vs career and independence.

[Twinmama22]

Looking for advice on childcare and work. Should I give up my job/ become reliant on husband?

I recently gave birth to twins. They are such dream babies. We go everywhere together and they seem to cope whether we are out all day or at home. They are still little so they are fairly easy to look after at this stage. Once weaning and crawling starts I'll be in for a shock.
One of the reasons the babies go everywhere with me is because I have absolutely no childcare where I live. Literally all my family live 100 miles from me. I have good friends where I stay and they offer to help but they work full time, as I did, so can't really help out when I need it. Hubby has a very good job and we are in a privileged position where money isn't too much of a concern. The pay off is he works long hours, although is very hands on and supportive when home.

My dilemma now comes as where we live is a high cost area and the cost of putting them into nursery almost matches what I would earn at work. We also have the chance to buy our dream home close to our families. Its a small town and houses like this don't come up often. Hubby can work remotely with only a few days in the office every few weeks. I however would need to give up my work to allow this move to happen. The current plan was for me to go back 3 days per week and the babies go to nursey, but the cost just doesn't make financial sense.
I have a very specialised role and it's unlikely I would get the same job at home. I've recently completed a masters in this field and whilst I have transferable skills, I really like my job and the people I work with. I also feel guilty and disloyal at leaving my job after they have supported me so well through my training etc. Hubby will support me whatever decision I make but I really don't know what to do.

My options are;
Stay, work and pay someone else most/all of my wage to look after the babies?

Move home, get help from family and cheaper childcare so I can still work... although unlikely to be in my chosen field?

Give up work for say three years and take care of the babies? This would involve me having to retrain upon return, possibly a self funded 6-12 month course. Whilst money isn't a huge issue... I've always worked and been fiercely independent so I'm really struggling with the thought of my husband funding me.

Any advice, guidance, alternative thoughts would be very welcome. It's hard to get an unbiased opinion as all my friends and family want us all closer to home.

Thanks 😊

If I were you -stay home (yes move) look after your children !
Enjoy everything xxx

If moving home nearer family was something in your longer term plan and an opportunity has come up, I would take it but I would really look for a way to continue working at least part time. I say that because you are used to being independent and have a successful job that you love, you will thrive having this balance with your babies.

When I went back to work, my daughter went to nursery, it was brilliant for her developmentally ie being more independent, her language and speech, motor skills etc. it really helped transition to school later too.

However you still need some fall back in addition - as you have identified ie if the babies are ill (and they pick up everything at nursery), so having family support nearby will make a huge difference.

good luck!

Our twins are now 12 and almost at the end of their first year in Secondary school. Before they were born I was a primary school teacher in Outer London. We lived close to Ealing, we were in the same situation. No family, my parents were 200 miles away, my husbands parents deceased. We couldn’t afford the nursery fees plus our twins needed daily physio and very frequent hospital appointments for a neurological mobility condition they both inherited so going back to work as a teacher was impossible. My husband was (and still is) also a teacher and we made the decision to survive on one salary. When the twins were 10 months old we moved away from London.
When they were almost 3 I got a fixed term contract job as a TA and they did a few hours a week at nursery as their condition meant they qualified for their 3 year old hours early. Between then and then starting school, and then throughout school until they were in Y6 I did a number of fixed term contract jobs as a TA. Then last year, when they were old enough to walk home from school I got a permanent job as a TA. At the same time my husband stepped down from his SLT role and went back to being ‘just’ a teacher. Our current combined income is the same as it was when it was only him working but our work life balance is better.
Sorry, I gave you a life history there but to sum up (!) becoming a mum to twins (who had/have additional needs) meant my career as a teacher went out the window but it’s one I can return to if I want to. The way things are in education atm I won’t be returning to teaching anytime soon!
Surviving on one salary is very possible if it’s your only option, and careers change/evolve anyway so being flexible, especially when you have two babies at the same time, is what will help you work out what is best for everyone in your little family.
Happy to be a listening ear if you need one. Having no family to call on and having baby twins can feel tough some days but those days don’t last forever!

I would recommend that you keep working. 3 days is a perfect balance IMO - enough time to do a job properly, but you still are home most of the week. As you enjoy your job, it will be worth it. My DD was 4mo I couldn't imagine going back to work, but by 8mo I was really looking forward to the stimulation of work - and I went back 3 days a week. I always looked forward to my workdays and my homedays and it just felt like a great balance to me.

As a family you'll be slightly - not much - better off with you working, and you will benefit in future from the pension. Soon childcare costs will fall. I also think if you are at home ft you can spend a lot taking the twins to activities ! Atm they are babies but toddlers often need to be kept busy so that's 2x playgroup, singing, etc.

Could you employ a nanny? That way there is back up for you when the unexpected happens.

This!!! You are not paying for childcare on your own!

Keep your career and your options open.

Hello - I'm a single working mum of twin toddlers. I work for myself so I started back at work properly at 6 months (3 days a week), now the most I work is 4. I'm in corporate consultancy so it's quite intense but enjoyable.

When they were 1 they went to nursery 2 days and my mum travelled to ours 2 days (not a close distance). When they turned 2, we moved closer to my mum and I got a nanny for two days and still two days with my mum.

Next year they turn three and that's the end of my mum's childcare so my childcare costs will be for 2 children four days a week. The cost is ridiculous... almost 3.5k per month, with no government support.

I have very well behaved twins so it's always been pretty easy going.

If I could do it all again I would:
Stay fully off work until they turned 1
Between 1 and school age work part-time, with 2 days off. 1 day with me and 1 day in childcare so I get a day to myself, plus I'd still then qualify for tax relief childcare.
I have a great career but would be okay not running at it so hard whilst they're this little. My career will always be there.
Location wise... I prefer living closer to friends and family with the girls this young. But I mainly work from home and when I travel... yes its a little longer but it's infrequent.

But what I would day is... time goes fast. And you'll start to think about schools soon. Would that make a difference to which area you choose to live in? It has started to, to me.

This is the sacrifice u make having kids you'll have to suck it up and pay childcare or relocate as you mentioned or take leave from work and rely on your husband

Please think long and hard before you give up your career. I chose option 1 in your situation - and fast forward twenty years - I have a career I love which has given me independence and satisfaction, and my children (now 18 and 20) are well adjusted, successful humans that I am very proud of.

I am not sure where the "it is unnatural" comments come from in some of these answers. It is natural for women to work - they have done so for millenia fitting their families around it. Mine were babies when I went back to work - I found the first few months really hard, but long term I am happy with the choices I made.

Friends who have been stay at home mums have lost their role when their kids leave home, and I am not sure that is a healthy outcome.

@Twinmama22 you say recently gave birth, how recently? The first few months I was absolutely certain that we were going to find a way for me to afford to go back to work because I LOVED being home with my baby (we didn't but not the point here). By the time mat leave was ending, I was so ready to get back to doing something that made me feel like me. I'm also miles away from any family, it's just me and my DH and the little one. We're both in jibs with good bosses who work around what we need so we're lucky, but I don't think I could have given up my job, my independence, my little bit of space where I don't have to parent anyone and still been happy. Me being fulfilled outside of being "Mummyyyy" is what makes me good at being mum.

My advice is to do what you think will help you stay whole. Whether that's SAHM near your family or your job. Do what keeps you, you.

Struggling with one DC in nursery and no one local to pick up when sick. Also they are only this little once, and I don't want to miss a thing.

I'd choose to move, give up current job, maybe find something less advanced locally where u have support. I would actually do this if we could afford to move, but we can't.

True friends will stay friends wherever u are.

Honestly, I wouldn't decide on the childcare/job part right now. I realise its hard to disentangle everything, but you are flooded with hormones right now. You can presumably take a while year of maternity if money is not too much of an issue, so don't decide now. See how things pan out. Toddlers are very different from newborns.

Strongly seconding what others have said about consider a nanny. We have one for our twins - it's only fractionally cheaper than nursery for two really, but sooooo worth it with twins - so many times they have had minor illnesses that nursery would send them home for, but she knows where the calpol is kept/cleans up the vomit when needed. That has made SUCH a difference to my ability to attend work. They tag team illnesses as one catches it just as the other is getting better. Nightmare when they are about about year old. I'm also just much happier about her settling them - my eldest went to nursery and seemed to have a new key worker every 4 months or so. I never felt they got to know her all that well, and she was never a great napper or water and obviously they just have to get on with it but can't tailor times too much to your child. Our nanny only does what best suits my boys - they nap earlier in the day than average and she just goes with that. They can eat when they are hungry rather than at set times - mine eat a lot in the morning but aren't big lunchers. When one is ill and won't settle for nap she just cuddled them for the whole nap. Mostly nurseries cant do that.

When you're considering career/cost, what you need to think about is not so much what it costs now, but the long term cost. I have been part time for the last 7 years and will probably continue with that for the next 3 or 4 (4 kids will do that!!!). I've taken a bit of a hit on my career in terms of not being able to apply for certain promotions. However, teaching is quite amenable to part time and my boss knows I take my career seriously and makes sure he looks after my progression. Does your career work that way? Some work better for career breaks/part time than others. I won't get as far in terms of career progression as if I was full time, and my eventual pension will be less (based on career average). I'm ok with that though. Whether you are or not is a very personal choice.

I don't tend to agree with the attitude that you "must" have a job though. There's nothing wrong with dividing household labour such that one person is predominantly working outside the house and one person is working to raise a family. Assuming you are married you have rights if you did get divorced. It might well be smoother if you have maintained a job, but I don't think you make all decisions based on worst case scenario!

Work Wo any hesitation.

Your dh hasn’t had any wondering about how he should be a SAHP right? He dudit wonder if he should give up his career.
So why are you?

The cost if nursery is a shared cost. Not just yours carry.
Youll get the benefits of carrying on working in a few years and you’ll definitively benefit from it all the way. Starting with still having some financial independence and power in your relationship. Think about your pension, earning power, what would happen if your DH can’t work/is made redundant, balance within your couple, being you rather than only mum etc etc etc

Whenever I read one of these threads I really despair that childcare costs are seen as only the woman's burden. They are a family cost and should be shared accordingly.

It's also eye opening how few women seem to be the higher money earners in a relationship. The gender pay gap is real. Perhaps this is why you rarely hear on Mumsnet about men requesting flexible working to drop a day/work compressed hours/finish early to do the pick up. I guess until we are paid equally this is going to continue.

But anyway, OP - in my experience when your babies are tiny it feels almost impossible to leave them with someone else and go to work. But that feeling does change. So I guess what I'm saying is the early days aren't the best time to make big decisions.

You won't get this time again, if you have the choice enjoy the time with your babies. I didn't have twins but two kids close enough together that we had a year gap between free childcare starting for the first and the end of my second mat leave - so nursery would have been over 2k a month for a bit. I took an extended mat leave by using parental leave tacked on the end, and we used the time to move home and see how we felt about it. I'm so so glad we did this, for so many reasons. My work was also only in one place - I decided to change careers and don't have any regrets. There's things I miss but for many reasons I'm so glad we came home to be near family while we could. Follow your heart, there's nothing like being near family when the kids are young and I'm so grateful of that time with my parents, one of whom we've lost since.

You pay childcare to keep your career going - it’s a short term cost. If you junk your career completely your earning power can disappear.

Go back to work 3 days.

Don’t move if that can’t work with your job.

Don’t put yourself in a position where you are financially dependent on your husband with no way of earning. It’s not good for either of you or your relationship, and if fig split up or he gets Ill you will be screwed.

I should add our finances have been joint since we set up home together so it's never a case of his or mine, everything is always ours. We've each had time off work with the kids but mostly me (gender pay gap is real, we're in similar fields). I've been back to work since and definitely took a bit of a career and pension hit but also the slight switch has boosted my salary potential probably. I don't think life is about working as much as possible until you retire, I think you have to live for now a bit. We've lost a lot of people close to us before their time and I think it's helped me realise that you can't put everything off until retirement - for our generation that'll likely be 70+, you have to do what you want now and not put it off.

Follow your heart.

I would never recommend being financially dependent on another. Too many times I've seen that one go wrong!

Don't forget you may be entitled to tax free childcare - the allowance is per child not per family so this would give you a 20% saving - check out childcarechoices.co.uk and complete the questions and you should find out - also there will be funding from certain ages most certainly from aged 3 (if not before if the government reforms come in depending on the criteria) which will go towards childcare costs but this would need to be a registered childcare provider and not all nannys are registered so something to consider

You have very small twins, and you're all loved up about it and this is wonderful.

A single baby can challenge the steadiest of relationships. Twins more so. Now is not the time to be putting yourself in a position which could make you financially vulnerable as an individual.

There are so many threads on the relationships board which start "I had a baby, and then gave up work... my relationship broke down but now I have no money or earning power ".

I would try to find a job I wanted to do in the area where you are moving to and see if that seems viable before deciding. Personally I wouldn’t have wanted to give up work full stop. I would also consider which area you would be happier in, because again, I wouldn’t have moved nearer family to sacrifice life in London because I would have missed city life and my friends too much. Everyone is different though, if it feels like your dream to move away, I would go for it. Working is important in my opinion but you could have a whole new career, it doesn’t need to be linear in terms of staying where you are.

I’m another person with no family support and a niche job. What we found was having paid childcare in place (nursery) meant we had the support we’d lacked during a year’s maternity leave. Nursery was amazing for us. DD loved it and settled so quickly, really benefitting from building relationships with more people. I’d thought small toddlers didn’t play with other children so young but this was so not true! It meant we got both time to work and time to do the stuff that was a juggle before - you book annual leave whilst they’re in nursery and have time to yourself! I remember really struggling with dentist appts on maternity leave as there was no one to have DD so either she had to howl in the pram or DH take the day off work. Once she was at nursery this was no longer a problem! We didn’t have the illness problems others describes - she’s had less than a handful of days off ill in six years of nursery/school. She was part-time at nursery, doing 3 days a week.

Nursery was also really supportive for things like potty training, questions about diet type stuff and also offered developmental checks which was reassuring (HVs didn’t offer these in our area). You can split drop offs and pick ups with your partner so it isn’t all on you.

yes, it’s expensive. There was a two year period where I barely earned anything due to childcare costs being so high. But it got easier when the 3 year old funding kicked in. And I was able to do training at work and got a couple of extra qualifications in that time so, whilst career-wise I tried water for a few years, once she reached school-age I applied for higher level jobs and moved up the career ladder. If I’d left work and then tried to re-join in a different job I would have struggled to even get a job as my one is very competitive.

so I feel like I got the best of both worlds - some time with DD as I was still with her four days a week, but the satisfaction of still having my career.

On the relocation question, personally you need to weigh up moving back home will add long term.

I could have moved back to the north to be near family but my career is southern based. I have been made redundant twice and got jobs pretty quickly, I don't think that would have happened up north.

I'm not going to comment on the work versus childcare situation other than to say I think it's a good idea to think it over seriously before the baby/babies arrive (sorry! But would you even get a nursery place for two in time?!), but it leapt out at me that you describe the place where your family of origin live as "home".

Worth reflecting on that as you make long term plans.

With my first I was quite happy to go back for 3 days. He was hard work and nursery really benefitted him as he was a covid baby and had missed out on a lot of socialisation (probably why I found it hard work thinking about it). My second is much more sedate and I really resent working now.

Do what suits you. If you stop working and decide it’s not for you it doesn’t have to be forever.