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Original poster

Partner doesn’t help with childcare

184 replies

Aly321 · 18/12/2022 19:07

I wake up every morning early and attend to both children, toddler and newborn. Bathe, dress, change, feed, whilst my partner has a lie in. Once we’re all sorted and downstairs, he will send me a text when he’s awake and ask me to bring him breakfast in bed. He then puts the TV on upstairs and stays in bed for a couple of hours watching TV whilst I am attending to the kids downstairs. He never baths kids, changes clothes, barely changes nappies, feeds etc. never does a night feed. His excuse is that he is working whilst I’m on maternity leave. He works evenings (5pm until 10pm). But to be honest I don’t see this changing when I return to work because it was very similar when I just had our toddler. He is the father of both children.
furthermore, I pay for my toddlers childcare whilst he goes to nursery. He’s been going to nursery since I was working and I didn’t wanna disrupt his routine so continued to pay for his nursery whilst I am on leave. Partner doesn’t contribute to nursery fees because he has a car finance which is quite expensive and my car is paid off so that is his reason to not contribute a single penny towards nursery.
Is this pretty standard in most households or am I being unreasonable to think he should be pulling his weight a little more?

OP posts:
Squamata · 11/01/2023 16:52

Glad to hear you're doing well! I'm sure it will get easier with time. You should be proud of yourself. Take care x

BabyOnBoard90 · 20/01/2023 15:30

Aly321 · 18/12/2022 19:11

Yes I do take him breakfast in bed every morning, it has become part of my routine now…. But I’m starting to think, is this normal ?

Show quote history

It's normal to bring husband breakfast. It's not normal for him not help with childcare.

BabyOnBoard90 · 20/01/2023 15:31

Whoops just realised this is an old thread

Forgooodnesssakenow · 24/01/2023 23:24

Aly321 · 18/12/2022 19:21

Oh my god. I’m not going mad after all. I’m from a south Asian background and most women in my community serve their husband so anyone I spoke to including my mother tells me to shut up and put up as they all do the same. Thank god I’m not alone in my thinking. I don’t know what to do now, because when I try to talk to him about how I feel, he gets very angry… he tends to punch walls or break things when he loses his temper. And I know him well enough by now to know that he will definitely get angry if I tell him he needs to pull his weight more, so I try not to discuss anything that would be controversial..

You're in an abusive situation which is being allowed due to a mysogynistic culture in your immediate family.
My advise is leave, not just the marriage but the culture and the family.

Forgooodnesssakenow · 24/01/2023 23:25

BabyOnBoard90 · 20/01/2023 15:30

It's normal to bring husband breakfast. It's not normal for him not help with childcare.

Show quote history

It's normal to take your husband breakfast while he lies in bed and cares for your children? No it isn't. It's normal for 1 of you to entertain the children while the other organised breakfast then eat together or to take it in turns to get up and do breakfast.

Tidd · 25/01/2023 00:39

Why would you have another child if he wasn't doing anything when you had the first one?

Why would you keep rewarding him when he doesn't deserve access to you?

Why do you stay??

Tidd · 25/01/2023 00:43

Its all allowed by you.

You enable him.

You stay and tolerate it.

You allow him access to you.

You need to make changes in your life..

Including you getting self esteem, self respect, self dignity and learn to love yourself more.

It's not just his fault. This is what you allow and tolerate.

You give him permission
Perhaps therapy would be beneficial.

caringcarer · 25/01/2023 01:56

Breakfast in bloody bed, are you really doing this? You must be mad. You are acting like his servant. Stop it. Tell him you want breakfast in bed tomorrow and he can get up with kids. This is a Victorian relationship.

Rhaych2003 · 28/01/2023 07:48

So you’ve had the kids all morning and he expects to be waited on hand and foot, room service, breakfast in bed?! Sounds like having an extra kid!! Has he always been such a selfish so and so?! What do his family think if their around?

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