Partner doesn’t help with childcare

[Aly321]

I wake up every morning early and attend to both children, toddler and newborn. Bathe, dress, change, feed, whilst my partner has a lie in. Once we’re all sorted and downstairs, he will send me a text when he’s awake and ask me to bring him breakfast in bed. He then puts the TV on upstairs and stays in bed for a couple of hours watching TV whilst I am attending to the kids downstairs. He never baths kids, changes clothes, barely changes nappies, feeds etc. never does a night feed. His excuse is that he is working whilst I’m on maternity leave. He works evenings (5pm until 10pm). But to be honest I don’t see this changing when I return to work because it was very similar when I just had our toddler. He is the father of both children.
furthermore, I pay for my toddlers childcare whilst he goes to nursery. He’s been going to nursery since I was working and I didn’t wanna disrupt his routine so continued to pay for his nursery whilst I am on leave. Partner doesn’t contribute to nursery fees because he has a car finance which is quite expensive and my car is paid off so that is his reason to not contribute a single penny towards nursery.
Is this pretty standard in most households or am I being unreasonable to think he should be pulling his weight a little more?

lovely. Your poor kids - so sad you’re teaching them that this is a normal relationship.

He's just biding his time. He knows if he waits just long enough, that you'll take him back and put up with even more of his crap.
He's relying on you feeling overwhelmed at being solely responsible for the children and household expenses and miss having an adult around.
if you're renting you may as well use this time to get his name off the tenancy so that when he comes crawling back you feel stronger about not allowing it.
its hard being a single parent, but living with a leech is harder.

Please don't go back. It's bound to be hard at first as he's conditioned you to think your relationship is normal. But he is an abuser. Apart from the damage it's doing to you, witnessing it will be damaging your children.

In time you will find happiness without him and look back and realise just how bad things were.

Or you can stay and spend your whole life being treated like a slave, walking on eggshells, being hit and fearing his reaction every time something you say or do isn't to his liking. Not to mention the high likelihood of the cycle continuing with your children, who are growing up thinking this is how relationships work.

Stay strong, get in contact with others (if I had a call or message from a colleague saying that she was in an abusive marriage I would absolutely be there for her in every way I could), speak to some of the organisations mentioned on this thread - just gather every bit of support you can to help support you - both emotionally and practically - to get away from this piece of shit for good.

I wish you all the best.

If he doesn’t want to come back you won’t have a choice and you will have to find a way forward.
If he does want to come back you will have a choice : Go back to your abusive relationship which will get worse over time. Or deal with the pain of separation - which will get better.
Think long term. It hurts now but you’re going to build yourself a life where you feel safe and valued. It will take time. Seek out some help and support, particularly from people and organizations who are familiar with domestic abuse within your cultural context.

You need to find someone to support you through this, either friends or an organisation if your family won't step up.

He's abusive. You don't have to take it. The lack of communication is all part of it. Anyone normal would be trying to talk things through and work out why you were unhappy.

Culture is not an excuse, he works 5 hours a day and you work 24? How does that make sense?

Stay strong @Aly321
You will be so much better without him in the long run. I would suggest contacting Women's Aid for support and also doing their Freedom programme. Also look for some counselling to help you process what has happened.
I bet there are other lonely women living near you. Make 2023 the year you start making your own support network and friendships. I promise you won't regret it

Op I can’t help but think if he comes back you’ll take him back which is what his game play is right now as I mentioned earlier. It’s not your fault as I think your family/community have done a right number on you for you to think it’s better to be with this POS than be single. Many pp have given you good advice and signposted you to organisations but the rest is up to you. All I will say is whatever you decide to do please teach your son/daughter the right things about how to treat their spouse and what not to put up with otherwise the cycle will continue and you will be that mother in law or that mother who is complicit in her daughter’s abuse. Even then your kids will still model what they see rather than what they’re told so bear that in mind. You’re in a country where there is lots of help out there for women in your situation please take advantage of that. Good luck op.

OP contact one of the places I said they can offer specialist help for this

@Aly321 PM me and let me know what prt of Brum you are in.
If you’re in my area there’s a brilliant service/group I can direct you to.

it’s a predominantly south asian heritage residents area and there are catered womens group that help with empowerment and support

Hmmm@Aly321 this is a man that kicks and slaps you and treats you like his personal slave . Just know that you are normalizing this to your kids. Your son will be like him a nd your daughter most likely will marry someone like him. How would you feel about That?

Sorry you’re going through this.

howeved. Is this the example you want to show to your kids ? That they can be hit or hit others when they’re adults ? That men can treat women like their servants and hit them whenever they want ? Is this really how you want your kids to be when they grow up ?

So at the worst he hits you and at the best he shouts and orders you around. This will never be the nice nuclear family you want and deserve, and I'm sure your family don't want you to be abused either. If you let him come back you will have years of this misery and the longer you leave it the harder it will be to make that break.

It seems monumental at the moment, making the decision and sticking to it, but trust me it will be a relief and it will get easier. It's natural to feel regret but it's important to distinguish regret at the marriage not turning out how you expected and regret at ending it. The former is totally understandable. The latter leads to feelings of guilt which will keep you trapped in a bad situation.

Making du'a for you.

I really hope , for your sake, that he will never come back . You’re free,look after yourself and children and be happy .

How's this for you, I'm with an Asian man, Muslim family, I'm white Catholic. My partners is amazing. Some days gets up with the baby so I can sleep in after nursing all night. She's EBF. He works and pays for most thing while I look after as we're watching money. I do contribute as well. She's almost 8months now. His family understand that, I am the 1st while female in the family. And haven't given me too hard a time. Honestly, it's not normal. He's using the culture "norms" to take advantage of you. We have cousins on his side who have divorced, and the family have moved on and accepted it. What area are you in? Everyone will get over it. His family have a couple who have stayed together married etc because of the pressure of parents, and I've never seen too unhappy people. They have a friends now they have grown kids. But it's just for the sake of appearances etc please do yourself a favour and leave when you can, you are practically a single mum as it is x

Please give it more time OP. It's a big change, but if you stay the path you will be glad you did.

I feel really angry and jealous at the thought of him moving onto someone new and possibly being a better partner/husband to them than he was to me. I keep overthinking this and it makes me really angry that he would possibly have a better life with someone else instead of giving me what I deserved. These thoughts are on my mind because he has started to post selfies on his social media and remove all pictures of me and kids. He hasn’t reached out for kids yet either. I’m starting to think he has no plans to return and is looking for someone else to put up with him and quite possibly taking on board what I said about his laziness and will try to be better for someone else in order for his future relationships to last

It's a really big change op, it's not surprising that it's scary and unsettling for you.

You seem to be saying that if he went off with someone else and proved to be a better partner, you'd be missing out. Let's unpack that a bit.

He's abusive and exploits you. That's not a passing habit, that's something that expresses a deeply held belief about how power should be distributed in your home. A lack of respect, an unwillingness to consider your perspective, an unwillingness or inability to control anger.

How would all those things change if he had a new partner? Typically men like that are all sweetness and light with a new partner - to begin with. Then they fall back into the old ways once they think they have a woman attached to them/financially dependent/no self esteem or support network etc. In short: he's not a great catch. Abusive people can learn to change their ways but it takes a recognition of what's gone wrong and a willingness to change. It doesn't happen overnight.

While you're looking at his sm and thinking of his future, what about yours? What do you want in your future? Get paper and pen and write down anything that comes into your head about your career, how you want your kids education and upbringing to be, your home, your hobbies, your friends and relationships. You're more than just a wife. You have potential and a future. Maybe even with a partner who treats you well, at some point.

You need help and support to get through this, this relationship is a major part of your life and you can bet your husband and your family will soon be pressuring you to go back to how things were. If you don't want that, contact the freedom programme and the organisations listed above to get support, someone to talk things through with, practical advice on finances etc.

In the meantime, you're in shock and it's hard. Reach out to friends if you can. Take care of yourself - not doomscrolling on his sm, make sure you have good food, rest and exercise.

Good luck, I'll be thinking of you!

This is exactly the lift that I need today so thank you for that. You are so right. He will probably get someone to begin with but I’m sure they’ll see his true colours once they get to know him properly because he has no willingness to change. And his family definitely see women as below them so that won’t change

im going to try my best to focus on myself and my future now as you said instead of focusing on what he’s doing. Thank you

my dear it's going to be hard. You are a product of your culture and it's hard to break free. Think if you want your daughter to end up in a similar situation. Please stay strong.

I think he has actually done you a favour by leaving. You would have found it almost impossible to leave him. I pray he stays gone for your sake. You can do this. Just leave him alone and let him continue on his own path. The other option is to go back to him and he will treat you even worse.

Glad to be of help, op!

The hits and slaps would get harder especially if you take him back you wouldn't treat a dog this way. Your children could become targets as they get more annoying to him and they will think it's how women are treated.....his mum has probably experienced this too in her own relationship so expects no better.

In all cultures, including South Asian ones, a woman traditionally gained status through connection to a man (husband, father, son). This is the essence of a patriarchy. That a woman is nothing without a man.

He's gambling on you being worried about loss of status if you don't have him. That the community will judge you, treat you as less worthy etc. So he thinks you'll put up with any crap because having a husband means status.

You very gently raised that he was taking the piss, he's stormed off and is giving you the silent treatment. He knows what he's doing, he's trying to leave you to stew and become anxious so you'll take him back and never dare criticise him again, whatever he does.

If I have a problem, I raise it with DH and he would be concerned, talk it through, we find a solution or compromise. He doesn't run off to his mum's house and ignore me for days.

You deserve more than this op! People always post about Lundy Bancroft why does he do that on these threads, Google it and find it free online.

This one freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html

Been thinking of you, OP! Hope you're doing ok x

Thank you for thinking of me! He still hasn’t come back. He sees the kids a couple of times a week but won’t communicate with me. I am getting stronger day by day without him and quite enjoy some child free days on the days they visit him. However still feel that twinge of sadness and loneliness. I’m hoping that clears up with time. Thank you. I hope you’re well. X