Partner doesn’t help with childcare

[Aly321]

I wake up every morning early and attend to both children, toddler and newborn. Bathe, dress, change, feed, whilst my partner has a lie in. Once we’re all sorted and downstairs, he will send me a text when he’s awake and ask me to bring him breakfast in bed. He then puts the TV on upstairs and stays in bed for a couple of hours watching TV whilst I am attending to the kids downstairs. He never baths kids, changes clothes, barely changes nappies, feeds etc. never does a night feed. His excuse is that he is working whilst I’m on maternity leave. He works evenings (5pm until 10pm). But to be honest I don’t see this changing when I return to work because it was very similar when I just had our toddler. He is the father of both children.
furthermore, I pay for my toddlers childcare whilst he goes to nursery. He’s been going to nursery since I was working and I didn’t wanna disrupt his routine so continued to pay for his nursery whilst I am on leave. Partner doesn’t contribute to nursery fees because he has a car finance which is quite expensive and my car is paid off so that is his reason to not contribute a single penny towards nursery.
Is this pretty standard in most households or am I being unreasonable to think he should be pulling his weight a little more?

I’m so sorry OP. What you are feeling is completely normal, you need time to process this so please be kind to yourself and get support from friends and family if you can. Don’t let anyone pressure you into taking him back or letting him back in the house, his behaviour in punching the wall is appalling and an indicator that things could easily have escalated. This is the best possible outcome in the long run, for you and your children. Hang in there

Understand that this is the BEST thing that has happened for you and your children.

It might not feel like it now, but it will.

Time. Wait.

You must be strong now op, it's so important.

You're in shock and it's totally understandable to feel devastated. This honestly is the best thing that could have happened though. He punched a hole in the wall? Thats terrifying. This man should be nowhere near you or your children. He brings nothing good to your lives, in fact he's downright dangerous to be around.

Do you have any real life support? Someone who can come and hold your hand through this, not someone who will put pressure on you to take him back

Fucking hell, how is that life?!

I can’t speak too much because my ex practically lives with us and the kids. We also have a baby and a toddler however he hardly contributes financially towards them. So I make him deal with the kids every single day. This morning for example, both of the kids woke up at the same time and their dad will get them from the room. He’ll then bath both kids separately and give them their bottle/breakfast. All whilst I was in my bed scrolling on my phone. I then left the house around 11am to go to the gym and I’ll be going out for lunch with my friend soon.

When people say their partners don’t do anything with the kids, how?! Why the heck are you bringing this guy breakfast. I wouldn’t even make toast for the kid’s dad but he’ll make sure his kids are sorted. Men like that are shit and I genuinely do believe they think these things are for women to take care of. It’s fucking bollocks you may as well be on your own

Ditch him. You’d be better off single by a mile. Waste of air he is.

Is this for real?

This is a good thing. You will realise it in a year or so.

Now is the time to call one of your supportive real life friends. Check what benefits you might be entitled to. Once you sort the finances you will be fine. It is a shock but he brings nothing to the table and creates work for you.

OP, I realise that there are a lot of cultural expectations here, but this is absolutely for the best. What happens when your kids are teenagers and pushing boundaries? How is your DH going to respond? Keep them safe. And yourself too. You are not a slave. You are a role model for how your kids will view relationships in the future. So show them someone who deserves to be treated with respect and care. Also... he is expecting you to beg him to come back, so when he does (and he absolutely will, the lazy git) you won’t dare complain again. Call his bluff. Stand tall. You can do this.

Sorry OP, I just read the update. I know it certainly doesn’t feel like it, but this is a blessing in disguise

I just read the update.

Agree with PPs.

Remember he choose to leave you and the kids. Make sure you tell everyone this.

I haven’t texted or called for a few hours now. It is effortful but I keep convincing myself this is for the best. I’m just not used to being in the house alone with the children, but realistically it is no different from him being here as he didn’t do anything for us anyway. I’m just convincing myself to let him go and hopefully I’ll feel stronger soon. Despite my parents cultural expectations, they have been very supportive towards me today. I can do this, I am better off without him 💪 thank you all so much for taking the time to respond and for all your positive words of encouragement

You’re begging and crying because you are in an abusive relationship and you’re currently being emotionally manipulated.

He’ll be back when he think you’ve learnt your lesson and he’s sure you won’t dare stick up for yourself again. Because you’re in a position where you cannot emotionally and mentally cope without him and he knows it.

you’re being abused. It stops when you stop it.

He has done you a favour here. That you even had to pay for childcare when he was at home and able to look after them is mad enough let alone everything else.

Things that help me when I don't want to text someone..

Change their name in your phone to 'don't do it' or for you it might be 'abuser'

Every time I want to text them I do a plank.

I know that last one might not work for everyone so maybe re read this thread over and over

This. He'll come swanning back in when he thinks you've been 'punished' enough and won't dare to speak up again.

Get your head together so you're ready when he decides to do this, so you're strong enough to say 'No, we've broken up and it's over'.

Get all the support and strength you need here on this thread.

You'll have moments where you'll think it's just easier to go back to how things were, your family telling you to do the right thing and let him back.

But he was abusing you, and now he's manipulating you into a position where he can continue abusing you without complaint from you.

I’m sorry OP but you need to leave this awful man. It will be easier to be a single mother because you no longer have this grown man child to also look after. I’m sorry you are in this situation. Is there anyone else you can speak to? Or try speaking to your mother again? I know many couples of south Asian background and not a single man is served breakfast in bed whilst watching tv instead of helping. Also, if it’s “traditional” for you to serve him, then it’s “traditional” for him to bring in enough money so you don’t have to work! Sounds like people around you are choosing the aspects of culture and tradition that suit them and ignoring the aspects that don’t.

Wow. I have just read all of your posts OP. This whole thing of having the nikah and not the legal marriage is just another way to deprive you of your rights. You have to be bound by the vows of the ceremony but you have none of the rights or protection of a legal marriage.

This waste of space leaving and going to his parents is the best thing ever - do not take him back, you will be happier in the long run.

Glad I read the whole thread

it Feels very overwhelming right now, but he was at the very least financially abusing you. He resorted to violence and moved out when you pushed back against the inequities in your relationship. You don’t want this man in your life.

most importantly, you don’t want your children thinking this is the way they need to live as adults. They have the right to truly egalitarian, mutually satisfying, relationships. Note that does not mean a relationship where the woman does all the child-bearing, all the child-care and still miraculously contributes 50% of all expenses. It means a true partnership where each person contributes in meaningful ways that allow both partners to lead better lives overall and the mix of how that is done can vary from couple to couple.

Sorry for the shock op but I am glad he’s gone as I don’t think you’d have left him yourself. What you’re feeling is normal, you’ve been conditioned by your family/community that good women don’t get divorced which is oppressive and dangerous as this is the motivation of honour linked crimes -it’s the woman’s fault in their eyes but in the real world he was abusive and horrible and nobody should expect a woman to put up with.

however, chances are he will be back, this seems to me a power play, he wants to scare you so when he comes back you will behave better because as you know, he can just threaten to leave can’t he and this is the reason why women put up with abuse in our communities because of the fear of divorce that’s drilled in from a young age, which gives these men the freedom to do what they like as they play on these fears, they know the whole community will take their side, they know divorce is a woman’s problem not a man’s but if you want to go down the religion road it’s actually a mercy not a punishment. But please don’t give in to him. I’m glad your family are supportive but watch out for emotional blackmail to try to get you to take him back etc. I look at this positively, he’s really done you a favour but he thinks he’s punishing you. You need to show him you’re not desperate to have him back otherwise it’ll be back to square one but with the abuse ramped up. He needs to be put in his place. Demand your khula and be done with it.

i personally would change the locks and claim child maintenance to the max. Take no prisoners with this pos.

Nikah confers rights. If her husband divorces her, OP will keep her dowry and the children will reside with her. He is obliged to maintain her for as long as the DC are under her care. Had she had a civil marriage he'd still have to pay child support. The only difference would be how the courts might see fit to divide assets. With nikah, this doesn't apply. A lot of people do the nikah first and the civil marriage later. Not so different to couples who move in with each other, then get married later.

@ForPeaceSake i assume none of that is legally enforceable

Hermione said this about as well as I could but more succinctly.

Why does he work so few hours?

Why doesn't he get up with the kids?

Why do you take him breakfast in bed?

The nursery costs should be a shared expense.

This is a good thing OP. He's left you, so he's saved you a very difficult decision. Punching things is so far from ok. I truly hope you have support from your friends, if not also your family.

Neither is she legal obliged to stay with him. Same for cohabiting couples. However, all fathers are legally required to pay child maintenance.