Partner doesn’t help with childcare

[Aly321]

I wake up every morning early and attend to both children, toddler and newborn. Bathe, dress, change, feed, whilst my partner has a lie in. Once we’re all sorted and downstairs, he will send me a text when he’s awake and ask me to bring him breakfast in bed. He then puts the TV on upstairs and stays in bed for a couple of hours watching TV whilst I am attending to the kids downstairs. He never baths kids, changes clothes, barely changes nappies, feeds etc. never does a night feed. His excuse is that he is working whilst I’m on maternity leave. He works evenings (5pm until 10pm). But to be honest I don’t see this changing when I return to work because it was very similar when I just had our toddler. He is the father of both children.
furthermore, I pay for my toddlers childcare whilst he goes to nursery. He’s been going to nursery since I was working and I didn’t wanna disrupt his routine so continued to pay for his nursery whilst I am on leave. Partner doesn’t contribute to nursery fees because he has a car finance which is quite expensive and my car is paid off so that is his reason to not contribute a single penny towards nursery.
Is this pretty standard in most households or am I being unreasonable to think he should be pulling his weight a little more?

In that case op, I'd be tempted to totally break free from your entire community. Move far far away with your children and start again. We have one life.

Would they say this if he is abusing you? Because the screaming, hitting and punching walls is a form of threat, coercing you to do his bidding....and illegal

Not RTFT.
Partner doesn’t help with childcare
He shouldn't be 'helping', he should be doing his share.

That will teach me to read the OP's posts first.

You are married to a lazy, misogynistic, abusive wanker.
LTB

How about you stop making him breakfast, tell him your busy looking after the kids, he can make himself breakfast.

It’s not normal. Nothing about this is. He’s done an absolute number on you to make you think any of this is OK or that all that needs to change is he pulls his weight a bit more.

sure I understand but you really need to stop caring about what they say. Do you think other single mothers should be embarrassed? So why should you feel embarrassed. You can move away if you don’t want the backlash. It’s your family and community that should be embarrassed for being complicit in this. But anyway you can start by doing fuck all for him. No laundry, cooking, certainly no breakfast in bed, start building your savings as you will probably feel different later on. Don’t contribute to anything that concerns him, so only buy food for yourself and your kids etc. don’t sleep with him, you need to check out completely. Are you willing to do that?

Feel free to PM me OP.

There doesn't seem to be any point to him at all.

I think you will need support to be able to give serious thought to leaving. Can you reach out to women's aid? They won't force you to do anything immediately (or at all) but can provide you with support and information about your options.

Breakfast in bed? Every day? When you have a newborn and toddler and are sleep deprived?
Imagine how much less work it would be if he was gone....

You have one life, it is so precious, please don't waste it with this abusive man.

Also ask yourself if this is a relationship you would want for either of your children. A single parent may be frowned upon by your family but staying with him normalises abuse for them and perpetuates the problem through the generations. Stick up for yourself, stick up for them 💪

It's good that you're here @magma32 because having supported a woman to 'leave' an abusive marriage to a very similar man in a South Asian Muslim culture, I know context is important.

It's hard for white UK women to leave when they have supportive families, let alone leaving when you are leaving your family and community as well.

OP, depending on where you are there may be support services, housing services and so on specifically for women from your culture. They obviously don't exist everywhere.

If you can't leave, can you work outside the home and save hard so you have the means at least? They if you have to (if his abuse escalates) you won't be unable to leave.

I got to the breakfast in bed bit and felt really angry for you.

I think I may have held my breath in exasperation.

Don't live your life like this, please.

Was this an arranged marriage? How long have you been married?
I understand that cultural differences mean men can have certain expectations of their wives. This is not acceptable here and would be classed as domestic abuse which is a crime. Emotional abuse is still domestic. if your husband gets threatening or violent towards you, punching walls and losing control.

Regardless of background, you can get confidential help. You call free or contact any of the organisations confidentially to ask for advice:

Types of abuse - there are many we class as abuse

Culturally Specific - Domestic Abuse. We’re breaking down cultural barriers.

National DA Helpline

This may or may not help you, but reading through the links may help you understand what behaviour is not acceptable.

OP, in a traditional Muslim household husbands are supposed to work to support the family in return for which the wife if she is a SAHM may take on the bulk of the domestic duties (though not all). In your case, you are being told to be quiet and be a good wife, but your DH is not being a good husband and is not being held accountable for that. If your family and community don't think this is an issue, then their mindset is at fault. Because what you are putting up with isn't Islamic, nor it is 'Asian culture' per se, though it happens in Asian families.

The fact you've only had nikah makes it easier for you to leave and retain your property and wealth should it come to that. However, before reaching that stage I'd try again to talk to DH. Rather than coming at it from the angle of what he doesn't do, which seems to make him defensive, have you tried telling him how exhausted you are and what he can do to help? Then be specific about what you want: is it for him to make breakfast? Come downstairs and eat breakfast with you? Take DC to nursery? I dont think any of these requests are at all unreasonable. They're small steps.

Finally, I don't know what region you live in, but where I am there are many divorced Muslim women and no one bats an eyelid. It's not haram, so please don't let social stigma be the cause of you staying.

Feel free to PM me if I can help.

send me a text when he’s awake and ask me to bring him breakfast in bed.

This made me laugh my head off

Ha-ha boin-g

Aly, this is your one and only life here on planet Earth. When we die, we will be dead for millions and billions of years.

Is this really how you want you and your children to spend your only shot at life? Who cares what the "community" thinks. What do they think of a lazy lout who fathers children and then doesn't care for them? A sod who can't even work for more than a few hours a day, and texts his wife (servant) from his bed?

Whatever happened to men who were proud of hustling, and of working two, three or more jobs to support their families?

I hope you find the assistance and strength you need to forge a better life for yourself and your children.

Guess what all… we had a discussion about it which got really heated led to a massive argument and he left me last night. He returned early this morning he packed up and moved his stuff to his mums.

Thank god for that!

OP, I know you'll be feeling like absolute shit right now, but this is the only good thing this selfish arsehole has ever done for you. Now you are free, and can start the rest of your life - which will not involve being continually disrespected and exploited by an absolute bellend. Congratulations.

I hope you're okay OP, even though from an outsiders' perspective this is the best thing that could have happened, I guess it might not feel that way to you today. How are you doing? There are lots of people on here who have been through it if you need support.

Job done.

You need back up to fend off the families though. Do you have some one IRL to help you. Look into legal stuff to keep him out type of thing. You may need some help to not force to take him back.

This really is the best news for you and your children they were going to grow up thinking this is the way it should be and condemned to repeat the pattern be strong keep him out. Contact the numbers you've been given they will give advice on finances and moving forward.
Good luck.

Take this as your chance to move on. Please don't let him come back, or allow your family to convince you that he should come back. You will have a better life without a 3rd child, who should have been a partner.

devastated is an understatement. I haven’t stopped crying since. Also been begging and numerous calls and texts which are unanswered. I can’t believe I feel so awful because I thought I’d actually be okay with the ending of this relationship but clearly not. I wasn’t prepared. I was actually willing to put up with all his baggage. He punched a whole in the wall before he left so I’m trying to focus on how that could have escalated and how much worse things would of gotten if he stayed. Trying to focus on all the negatives to get me through. I still can’t believe he would pack up and leave just like that but I’m trying to tell myself it was for the best

It's normal to feel grief when an abusive relationship ends - but that doesn't change the fact it's the right thing to happen. You cannot raise your children in a violent home, they deserve to be safe.

Don't allow him back.

karmanirvana.org.uk/get-help/what-is-honour-based-abuse/