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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Original poster

Partner doesn’t help with childcare

184 replies

Aly321 · 18/12/2022 19:07

I wake up every morning early and attend to both children, toddler and newborn. Bathe, dress, change, feed, whilst my partner has a lie in. Once we’re all sorted and downstairs, he will send me a text when he’s awake and ask me to bring him breakfast in bed. He then puts the TV on upstairs and stays in bed for a couple of hours watching TV whilst I am attending to the kids downstairs. He never baths kids, changes clothes, barely changes nappies, feeds etc. never does a night feed. His excuse is that he is working whilst I’m on maternity leave. He works evenings (5pm until 10pm). But to be honest I don’t see this changing when I return to work because it was very similar when I just had our toddler. He is the father of both children.
furthermore, I pay for my toddlers childcare whilst he goes to nursery. He’s been going to nursery since I was working and I didn’t wanna disrupt his routine so continued to pay for his nursery whilst I am on leave. Partner doesn’t contribute to nursery fees because he has a car finance which is quite expensive and my car is paid off so that is his reason to not contribute a single penny towards nursery.
Is this pretty standard in most households or am I being unreasonable to think he should be pulling his weight a little more?

OP posts:
HelsyQ · 18/12/2022 19:09

Omg. You don’t need to be asking this question. You’re clearly being walked all over. Why are you allowing this? He works 5 hours a day? Why doesn’t he get a proper job then he can contribute.

HermioneWeasley · 18/12/2022 19:10

Of course it’s not bloody standard. He’s a useless selfish prick. How come he’s only working 5 hours a day?

MolesOnPoles · 18/12/2022 19:10

What?

Tell me you don’t actually get him breakfast in bed?

Dacadactyl · 18/12/2022 19:10

You've blown my mind. How you have had 2 children with him is beyond me. Did you not realise what he was like after the first?

This is not standard behaviour.

Original poster
Aly321 · 18/12/2022 19:11

MolesOnPoles · 18/12/2022 19:10

What?

Tell me you don’t actually get him breakfast in bed?

Yes I do take him breakfast in bed every morning, it has become part of my routine now…. But I’m starting to think, is this normal ?

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 18/12/2022 19:13

You're being walked all over.

He has shown you who he is several times over. Believe him.

Decent men don't behave like this.

He isn't going to change so the question is whether you're going to accept it.

Original poster
Aly321 · 18/12/2022 19:13

HelsyQ · 18/12/2022 19:09

Omg. You don’t need to be asking this question. You’re clearly being walked all over. Why are you allowing this? He works 5 hours a day? Why doesn’t he get a proper job then he can contribute.

He is just delivery driving at the minute whilst looking for something more permanent. He used to work for taxi but didn’t want to do that anymore. I’m just used to the routine I guess but I’m starting to feel overly exhausted and unsupported!

OP posts:
Reluctantadult · 18/12/2022 19:14

It's not normal, no.

Original poster
Aly321 · 18/12/2022 19:14

Dacadactyl · 18/12/2022 19:10

You've blown my mind. How you have had 2 children with him is beyond me. Did you not realise what he was like after the first?

This is not standard behaviour.

The second was completely unplanned but I wanted to go ahead with it. I did think after the first that I definitely do not want to have any more kids with him! And now I’m being extra careful

OP posts:
Ilovethewild · 18/12/2022 19:16

Op, this it not about something being wrong, but about the complete disrespect towards you and your children.

you are not in a relationship- you are his Mum surely. You have 3 children and one is too old so should know better.

how were things pre children? Did you do things together? Share cooking? Cleaning etc?

you need to decide if this is what you want in life? How is he being a parent? What are your children learning about being a parent, how to treat women/partners?

cestlavielife · 18/12/2022 19:16

he will send me a text when he’s awake and ask me to bring him breakfast in bed

And you text him to order what ??
Are you his maid?
Do you a hotel with room service?

Stop responding to his texts when you in same house
He gers out if bed to talk to you /make his food

unless you are going to say he is disabled and needs support to be hoisted out of bed....

Shadesofscarlett · 18/12/2022 19:16

a father does not help with childcare - he parents. Shared job surely? Also shared finances?

You are being taken for a complete and utter mug while he lies there like a sultan while you do his bidding. You are not beneath him - stop behaving like you think you are.

Fairislefandango · 18/12/2022 19:16

No of course it's not normal. He's a lazy twat and a useless father and he's taking you for an absolute mug!

CaptainMum · 18/12/2022 19:16

Are you joking? This is not normal. This is far from normal, but you seem mostly okay with it. Bizarre.

GrumpyPanda · 18/12/2022 19:16

I would dump cold water all over this arsehole rather than serve his highness breakfast in bed. Can't believe you haven't challenged him. Definitely stop doing ANYTHING for him unless he gets his act together and starts actually parenting.

RoseslnTheHospital · 18/12/2022 19:16

Please stop taking him breakfast in bed. He texts you! Demanding breakfast! Wtf is wrong with him that he can't get his own breakfast??

Honestly, you are not his domestic servant. You are supposed to be an equal partner.

magma32 · 18/12/2022 19:19

Something tells me you must be extremely socially isolated to ask the question if this is normal or not. Do you have family or friends, do you discuss with them? What do they say? Sometimes it could be a cultural expectation that women behave like maids for the Dh but it still doesn’t make it okay. If you’re not willing to make any changes then you just have to put up and shut up as the only reason this is happening is because you are allowing it.

Reugny · 18/12/2022 19:20

Emm no you can't make him breakfast in bed or any breakfast because you are looking after his two small children.

In fact ensure the breakfast he eats isn't in so he has to go and buy it first.

And no you can't go to the shop for him as you don't have time to do any shopping until later in the day if at all.

Original poster
Aly321 · 18/12/2022 19:21

Oh my god. I’m not going mad after all. I’m from a south Asian background and most women in my community serve their husband so anyone I spoke to including my mother tells me to shut up and put up as they all do the same. Thank god I’m not alone in my thinking. I don’t know what to do now, because when I try to talk to him about how I feel, he gets very angry… he tends to punch walls or break things when he loses his temper. And I know him well enough by now to know that he will definitely get angry if I tell him he needs to pull his weight more, so I try not to discuss anything that would be controversial..

OP posts:
magma32 · 18/12/2022 19:22

what do you actually seen in this man? He doesn’t seem to bring anything to the table here? Doesn’t even have a proper job.

RoseslnTheHospital · 18/12/2022 19:22

What you're describing sounds more like you're being held hostage than in a relationship, I'm sad to say.

HelsyQ · 18/12/2022 19:23

Omg if you can’t see you need to leave him no one can help you

toomuchlaundry · 18/12/2022 19:23

What is your housing situation?

GrazingSheep · 18/12/2022 19:23

And now I’m being extra careful

How can you even bear to have sex with him ?

Original poster
Aly321 · 18/12/2022 19:24

toomuchlaundry · 18/12/2022 19:23

What is your housing situation?

We are privately renting and pay half towards the rent

OP posts:
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