Partner doesn’t help with childcare

[Aly321]

I wake up every morning early and attend to both children, toddler and newborn. Bathe, dress, change, feed, whilst my partner has a lie in. Once we’re all sorted and downstairs, he will send me a text when he’s awake and ask me to bring him breakfast in bed. He then puts the TV on upstairs and stays in bed for a couple of hours watching TV whilst I am attending to the kids downstairs. He never baths kids, changes clothes, barely changes nappies, feeds etc. never does a night feed. His excuse is that he is working whilst I’m on maternity leave. He works evenings (5pm until 10pm). But to be honest I don’t see this changing when I return to work because it was very similar when I just had our toddler. He is the father of both children.
furthermore, I pay for my toddlers childcare whilst he goes to nursery. He’s been going to nursery since I was working and I didn’t wanna disrupt his routine so continued to pay for his nursery whilst I am on leave. Partner doesn’t contribute to nursery fees because he has a car finance which is quite expensive and my car is paid off so that is his reason to not contribute a single penny towards nursery.
Is this pretty standard in most households or am I being unreasonable to think he should be pulling his weight a little more?

Your mum is all you need for the time being. As for others your mum hasn’t told, well it’s best not to confide in them anyway seeing as you’ve mentioned the women put up with this abuse anyway so I doubt they’d be helpful otherwise you would have spoken to them in the first place rather than post on here. Like I said get onto the organisations and move forward with the practical things you would normally do.

You can apply for child maintenance so he has to contribute financially to his kids.

This is untrue. I watched an interesting documentary about Nikah and women DID believe it stood for something in UK. They found this out only when they spoke to a solicitor. I think it was on Iplayer.

Don't forget he's still their dad and presumably on the birth certificate so you can go to the CSA. Think about the times he shouted when you were not toeing his line how you coped while he was demanding room service how lonely that felt.
You will be eligible for UC and the childcare element pays up to 85%. It will be fine.

Stay strong OP. Do not beg this waste of space to come back. You can do this.

@Travelbud British Muslim women know nikah isn't legally enforceable if it takes place in the UK. However, if nikah takes place abroad it is legally valid in the UK. If a woman came to the UK as a bride I can appreciate she might not know the law, but then the problem is one of education not of the nikah itself.

As I said, I'm speaking from personal experience and that of scores of friends and acquaintances. OP has had a nikah, so all that's relevant here is what she wishes to do about it and how. Other Muslims are best placed to advise her on this aspect.

Thank you. You are so right. I’m trying my best to stay strong because all in all, this man wasn’t doing nothing for me. He was extremely lazy

Op you are a very capable, organised, independent woman. You are a perfect role model to your children right now. You are strong. There will be difficult moments but you are only a few days without him - your liberty and freedom of choice are still yours to be had.

Take it one day at a time. Call womens aid for access to advice and support. Start to make plans without him.

You are not a slave - you deserve better. There's is no shame in refusing to be the object of a man's abuse. You can be part of your cultures change by refusing to accept it. You are brave and honourable.

Aly321 you sound so strong and capable, an amazing mother and a straight BG, working woman.

Yes it's very lonely without another adult so that must make it harder.

It must also be super hard being conditioned into this life from childhood. I can't help with that aspect as I come from a different culture and a very supportive background. E.g. neither my nor my husband's mother took their husbands name, even at a time it was less usual.

All I wanted to add is your work colleagues. Please do reach out to them. They must be busy with their own lives, but once they hear about you they will be immediately supportive. It's a bit out of sight out of mind situation, but once they know you need support they will rally around.

Wishing you a most wonderful 2023 when you enjoy and appreciate being your own boss at home 🙂

Sorry my phone's autocorrect changed "strong" to "straight BG"

Is there any parenting groups in your area? Or Facebook groups for the parents in your area that you could look for meet ups on? Even taking your kids to the park ect will give you a chance to talk to other parents if you aren't too shy.
Is the dad on the kids birth certificate? I would try and get him to say everything that he told you in the call down in a text message (Ie, text him saying 'are you really not going to be involved in the kids lives?' Ect. If he's on the birth certificate then he has to support them. If it has to go to court then it's best if you have evidence that hes and arsehole (hence getting his opinions down in a text message). You could contact woman's aid about what to do moving forward? They may even run some parenting groups ect? Also you can try the charity homestart? The local run here runs crèche days that you could meet some fellow parents at?

Nothing for you and teaching your kids to repeat the awful pattern your kids deserve better relationships as adults so do you. X

Yes he’s on the birth certificates however that hasn’t stopped him since he’s not been asking to see the kids or arranging finances or anything like that. I have good moments and really low moments. Mainly feeling very angry that what was supposed to be a conversation trying to make things more fair at home, has blown up in my face, led to him leaving and abandoning me with the two kids to fend for ourselves. He’s not answering any calls or text messages now so I’ve stopped trying. I am going to try texting some colleagues from work. My mum has also become less supportive as the days have gone

Presumably the cultural expectation is not that he doesn’t contribute financially though?

You are waiting on him hand and foot (texting you his breakfast order is definitely not “culturally appropriate” FFS), he works part time while you pay for everything for your children, and if you complain he punches things - this is an abusive relationship OP.

I have many, many friends from Indian, Pakistani and Bangladeshi backgrounds (healthcare), and none of them live like this.

I feel so angry he’s living rent free at his mothers and I’ve got all the rent to pay myself now as well as bills and the kids stuff. Unbelievable. His mother mollycoddles him so no doubt she is bringing him his breakfast and doing his laundry without complaining unlike me questioning his laziness so that’s why he is so settled there because he wants everything done for him without complaints. I’m feeling very angry

WHAT!😢

No the cultural view is for the man to provide but he doesn’t even do that. He picks and chooses which parts to follow. His money all goes towards his car finance and insurance so that’s his excuse for contributing so little towards the household. I’m even more annoyed now since he is living at his mothers and has now managed to avoid his responsibilities all together

Yup I kinda guessed that you would be from a South Asian background. Even Africans men would not go this far. It's going to be really hard to change this.

I’m trying to think of all the reasons I can live without him. He used to hit me during arguments but I never thought anything of this cos he never used to hit me hard enough to leave a bruise or a mark and it didn’t necessarily hurt much. It was just like a slap or a kick. But googling things now I’ve realised that it is still abuse even if he didn’t hit me hard enough to leave a visible mark. So gathering all his laziness and abusive behaviour I am talking myself out of wanting him back just to have the typical nuclear family that my family expect

OP where are you based. I work in the women's sector in particular in the specialist led by and for sector.

I can post some charities that can help you. If you let me know, whereabouts in the country you are. It doesn't have to be the specific town/city

I’m from west midlands Birmingham thank you for any help you can advise

Here's a few options

Sikh Women’s Action Network - Sandwell:07930492467/07525900648

Panahghar - Coventry & Leicester - 024 7622 8952

Roshni - Birmingham - 0800 953 9666

Sikh Women’s Aid - Wolverhampton - 0333 090 1220

Ashiana (Sheffield) 0114 255 5740

Of course she mollycoddles him, this is how he has ended up like this. Little Emperor syndrome. Presumably his dad is just like him.

If she wants a lazy, violent manchild texting her his breakfast order every morning while he lies in bed, that is really up to her.

Most mothers would be tearing their hair out and trying to get him out of the house by any means necessary.

My dear please don't feel bad like you caused this at all. This was always going to happen at some point unless you did exactly what he wanted when he wanted and kept your mouth shut!. I'm dealing with a similar kind of man. Do not blame yourself on the slightest.

What you need to do is to keep finding a way to move forward. There is nothing you can ever do to change or influence this man he is cooked. He has been brought up to believe that you are beneath him because he has a penis. NOTHING You say or do will ever change that.

You parents are not going to be much help as they are entrenched in the culture. Just get your mum to help with the kids as much as she can so that you can get a break. Dont bother discussing the "husband" with her. Just tell her you are handling it.

For me I would not bother applying for cms right now. That way he will leave you alone and mot cause trouble. Set yourself up with benefits and help with childcare you can do this. You will alright in the end.

I’d much rather return to my abusive relationship rather than experience this loneliness and overthinking day in day out. However he has not made any plans to return and has completely cut all contact