Partner doesn’t help with childcare

[Aly321]

I wake up every morning early and attend to both children, toddler and newborn. Bathe, dress, change, feed, whilst my partner has a lie in. Once we’re all sorted and downstairs, he will send me a text when he’s awake and ask me to bring him breakfast in bed. He then puts the TV on upstairs and stays in bed for a couple of hours watching TV whilst I am attending to the kids downstairs. He never baths kids, changes clothes, barely changes nappies, feeds etc. never does a night feed. His excuse is that he is working whilst I’m on maternity leave. He works evenings (5pm until 10pm). But to be honest I don’t see this changing when I return to work because it was very similar when I just had our toddler. He is the father of both children.
furthermore, I pay for my toddlers childcare whilst he goes to nursery. He’s been going to nursery since I was working and I didn’t wanna disrupt his routine so continued to pay for his nursery whilst I am on leave. Partner doesn’t contribute to nursery fees because he has a car finance which is quite expensive and my car is paid off so that is his reason to not contribute a single penny towards nursery.
Is this pretty standard in most households or am I being unreasonable to think he should be pulling his weight a little more?

It seems so hard at first but it genuinely is so much easier once they're gone. It's one less child to look after. And an adult child is the hardest!

You're doing great. Well done you. Enjoy your new life x

Is this a wind up? Of course it's not bloody standard in most households! And the fact you said you do bring him breakfast in bed each morning and are asking if that's normal has my brain totally baffled. What a lazy dick, if this is in fact true.

Nikah is not legally enforceable here which is why so many Muslim women end up in shit’s creek as the man won’t give them what they owe them unless the real law gets involved. Even upon death there are so many women who don’t inherit anything and get kicked out of the house as it’s not legally anything to do with her. Legally she is just seen as a girlfriend, very different to the status of a wife in Islam wouldn’t you say. So there’s no point talking about that as it doesn’t apply here. There are major campaigns about this. No rights to inheritance, maintenance a roof over their heads unless the house is in their name etc unless the ‘husband’ feels like giving it. How many abusive men do you know that provide this maintenance? Where were her rights to provision if the nikah means anything? She could have gone to a sharia court and demanded payment for childcare etc as per Islam but she’d get nowhere. Or if sharia court told the man to give them a mahr they promised them? Etc The only reason they give anything is due to the legal courts, not because it’s Islamic which is why there are so many deadbeats with nikah only, they’re having a great time not needing to do anything unless the legal courts tell them to. When people have nikah only they’re a law unto themselves, and it’s mostly the woman the loses out. No man here listens to the ‘sharia courts’ unless he is willing to because they can’t enforce anything. Nikah certainly doesn’t decide child custody and has no powers, that’s the legal courts that decide that. Personally for op I don’t think she’s losing out on much by not being legally married to this waster as it’s not like he was providing in the first place. Child maintenance she’ll get from the courts, she won’t get a penny if she goes to ‘sharia courts’. And that’s what a legal system, actual law enforcement. Nikah in this country won’t give her anything, in a country where the nikah is legally recognised that’s a different matter.

I understand what you mean but I don’t think those rights are legally enforceable. I may be completely wrong on this though I wholly admit.

You’re spot on. My point is they’re not legally enforceable in this country, by calling it a marriage it gives women a false sense of security thinking they’ve got marital protection. If they called themselves ‘girlfriends’ or unmarried then many might think twice in terms of the sacrifices they make for these men.

No one is fooled into thinking nikah carries legally enforceable rights in the UK. It's a moral and spiritual contract which is more important to Muslims than the civil ceremony which is only undertaken for practical reasons. As I said before, a lot of people do the civil ceremony at a later date (just as non-Muslim cohabiting couples do, without censure). Maybe that's what the OP was planning, who knows, but my advice to her was that it was fortunate she had not had a civil marriage, so the Islamic perspective is the only one she need heed (in terms of speaking to her family, knowing she has done nothing wrong, etc.)

I'm speaking from experience to help the OP, not derail her thread with an argument about sharia law.

@ForPeaceSake
none of that is legally enforceable.

implying rights is irresponsible. A woman could read what you wrote and think she won’t be left penniless without her children simply because of a spiritual ceremony.

i read your replies very carefully especially to the pp who said it wasn’t legally enforceable, you clearly implied she can get her rights through nikah, which is wrong. Where would she go to get these rights? Her parents? The imam? Simple answer would have been yes pp nikah was is not legally enforceable. I corrected you, you went on to say it’s a spiritual contract. That’s nonsense. Why do you think Islamic countries legally enforce the nikah contract? When you marry abroad the nikah is legally valid in the U.K. but not for those who marry in the U.K. with nikah only. So they’ve automatically entered into a civil marriage just by having a nikah in the country where it is recognised.

if it’s just a spiritual contract how on earth do women get their inheritances, divorces etc do you think bad men just hand things over because fear of god? So basically god leaves women at the mercy of men? Nikah is a meant to be a legal contract, it’s meant to be enforced to protect women and children, and you can only enforce things where there are legal consequences so it’s void in this country for what it is meant to do. If it was just spiritual there wouldn’t be sharia courts popping up everywhere (where women tend to be the only customers) ask yourself why women need sharia courts in this country if it’s just a spiritual contract. And you’ll also find many sharia councils will automatically approve a civil divorce as an Islamic divorce which shows you how important it is.

No ofcourse women (muslim or not) don’t need a civil marriage, but when many are making sacrifices to their own careers and health, they need to have legal protections in place, take a look a women who get kicked out of their homes with nikah only. Take a look a domestic violence victims who haven’t been given any of their rights, be it from their husbands or families, but are left destitute, so they are dumped like girlfriends with no legal consequences.

In op’s particular case she’s better off being unmarried just like many other women muslim or not but guess where she’ll be going to make sure her Islamic divorce is ‘officially’ fulfilled, yep the sharia courts, who have been useless for many women in the past, sending them back to their abusers, taking their kids off them because of their inconsistent use of sharia law. it’s only because the British legal system has got involved that sharia courts are listening to women now so you can’t tell me or anyone else that nikah is not meant to be legally binding.

Does it get worse before it gets better? 😞 woke up this morning feeling extremely lonely. It’s so strange because he didn’t do anything for us anyway but something about knowingly being the only adult in the household now is quite depressing. Still no contact from him, not even to see if the kids are okay. And I’ve managed to avoid texting/calling too

'Does it get worse before it gets better? 😞'

Yes, these things often do. You've had the rug pulled right out from under you, and it will take some time to adjust. Keep remembering what a useless sod he was, and how he was a drain on you, and how terrifying his behaviour could be, and how he hasnt bothered to check on the kids since he's been gone. And carry on not texting or calling him. You're doing great x

Agreed. You will get through it and things will improve, but you are still in shock and the process of coming to terms with what has happened takes time. Even after an abusive relationship there is still a grieving period that needs to take its course, as your life has been turned upside down. You are doing a great job. Be kind to yourself.

I can feel the urge to beg and plead coming on. It feels way too lonely being in the house alone with 2 young children and no adult company. This is horrible. If I knew it would lead to me being in this situation I’d never have bought it up to him in the first place 😞

Have a shower, put your make up on and go get a coffee or take the kids to soft play. It’s easier to act your way into a new way of thinking than to think your way into a new way of acting.

get up and get out

Op you need to re read what you posted about him and think if he’s worth having back. Think about what example he’s showing your children. This is far from an ‘Islamic’ marriage and is more like a toxic, oppressive relationship which many of our women could not get out of due to lack of choices, lack of support etc many accept this is life and get on with it but you knew it wasn’t right so you posted on here. The reason you feel shit is because you’re grieving and also the cultural conditioning that has told you that you need to keep a man at all costs, doesn’t matter how he treats you. Please stop begging him, he’s trying to punish you and this is giving him exactly what he wants, he’s playing a game here. What exactly did you do wrong? Tell him to fix up? And this is how he’s behaved? Is that what you want your daughter to see and do? He will return and you’ll have to make a decision. Nobody here can force you to do anything but think about the advice you would give to someone you cared about? Would you think it’s in theirs or their children’s best interest to take him back? I would get some counselling and can one of your friends or supportive family members stay over with you so you’re not feeling lonely?

'get up and get out'

Yep, this x10000. Don't lie around letting your thoughts take over, make a plan and go out

Who else do you have to contact? Friends?

Reframe it. It isn't lonely, it's peaceful

Take the kids to visit your parents or some friends? Go and find some adult company - noone will be expecting breakfast in bed for one thing!
If a visit is out of the question that call/video call someone for a chat.

Sadly I have no friends. I’m quite an isolated person which makes things worse for me. My dad is always working and my mum is close by and has been there for me but essentially she believes that I should take him back and persuade him to come back. I guess I’ll just take it day by day and remember all the negativity he bought into my life above all else. I honestly don’t know who else would put up with what I put up with

Oh Dear just read all your updates. There's an Asian board on here maybe someone can offer more relatable advise OP.

Really sad that your mum is giving you poor advise, just in case you decide to get back together I hope you are on solid contraception not just being careful previously!

Can you speak to a Councillor? Women's aid? What about joining baby groups?

Sorry previously you mentioned confiding in your friends who told you his behaviour wasn’t normal. So I assumed you had a support network of some sort. You don’t need to listen to your mum but you can expect her to support you with the kids etc especially as you mentioned they were being supportive for the time being? either way whilst you are in contact with them they will try to persuade you to take him back so you might as well use them otherwise you’re better off going no contact especially if you think they will be able to ‘break’ you into taking him back.

as mentioned in previous posts there are organisations to offer support, even just a chat. Women’s aid are very good, they won’t force you to do anything but will tell you about your options etc and general advice to cope with. There are other Asian centred organisations posted above too.

My colleagues are the “friends” I was talking about but they haven’t turned out to be all that great since they’ve not bothered to check up on me during my maternity leave. My mum is supportive cos I’m struggling but she’s too embarrassed to tell the family anything so I can’t speak to anyone else

I’m feeling absolutely miserable. I got through to him he shouted down the phone saying the kids are not his problem and I need to get on with looking after them on my own and he’s not coming back and I’ve made an enemy out of him. He says long term he’s not going to help with the kids or contribute to childcare when I return to work. It all seems an extreme reaction over one argument.

Whatever you do OP, do not go back to him

You're so strong, someone once said to me when I was worried about being alone if I broke off with my ex 'how can you be worried about being alone when you're alone anyway?' And I think that stands here. The only difference is you're making one less breakfast from the sound of your posts

I know the community views are a lot to consider, but don't ever settle for less than you or your children deserve

I wish you all the love and luck in the world

I was going to ask too... why are you not married OP already? Have both your families not questioned this?

His reaction is likely because he's seeing someone else and is occupied. Sorry but you can do better.

Well get onto child maintenance, if he’s self employed he might hide his income but I would go through them rather than him. Don’t ask him for anything, go through the appropriate channels signposted above and call citizens advice. I wouldn’t expect anything other reaction from him from the way you’ve described him in previous posts. Made an enemy out of him? Was he your friend when he was punching through walls and demanding breakfast in bed? Does he think he’s been good to you? He really is something else. I would think it’s better he’s completely out of the picture anyway as he will make co parenting harder for you and he will abuse you that way. He wasn’t helping you with childcare anyway so I’m not sure what he’s going on about there, you were paying for everything yourself and making him breakfast in bed on top of everything else.