Page 2 | Partner doesn’t help with childcare

Aly321 · 2022-12-18T19:07:47+00:00

I wake up every morning early and attend to both children, toddler and newborn. Bathe, dress, change, feed, whilst my partner has a lie in. Once we’re all sorted and downstairs, he will send me a text when he’s awake and ask me to bring him breakfast in bed. He then puts the TV on upstairs and stays in bed for a couple of hours watching TV whilst I am attending to the kids downstairs. He never baths kids, changes clothes, barely changes nappies, feeds etc. never does a night feed. His excuse is that he is working whilst I’m on maternity leave. He works evenings (5pm until 10pm). But to be honest I don’t see this changing when I return to work because it was very similar when I just had our toddler. He is the father of both children. furthermore, I pay for my toddlers childcare whilst he goes to nursery. He’s been going to nursery since I was working and I didn’t wanna disrupt his routine so continued to pay for his nursery whilst I am on leave. Partner doesn’t contribute to nursery fees because he has a car finance which is quite expensive and my car is paid off so that is his reason to not contribute a single penny towards nursery. Is this pretty standard in most households or am I being unreasonable to think he should be pulling his weight a little more?

magma32 · 18/12/2022 19:25

Yes I’m south Asian too and this doesn’t happen in our house because my husband is educated and brought up over here, has a ‘very important job’ but still knows what’s what. Before we married he knew my expectations and I am not one to look good in front of the community as do many women so they just toe the line. You don’t have to do that but many do as they want to look ‘respectable’. Honestly When I read your post I thought this could only be a south Asian woman putting up with this.

Original poster

Aly321 · 18/12/2022 19:26

magma32 · 18/12/2022 19:22

what do you actually seen in this man? He doesn’t seem to bring anything to the table here? Doesn’t even have a proper job.

That’s how I feel sometimes. But in my culture and the people I am surrounded by, even considering leaving would be a shame on the community and on my family. I would be seen as an embarrassment because I have children with this man therefore this is the man I am destined to marry and live with forever now that I have children involved. My family just wouldn’t accept me even thinking about leaving

OP posts:

RedHelenB · 18/12/2022 19:29

Well then you're stuck with it. But it's not the normal expectation of a relationship in the UK.

magma32 · 18/12/2022 19:31

Don’t you have friends outside of the community to offer different perspectives? How integrated are you? I am born here so for me it was easy to demand respect from my partner, that doesn’t mean in the U.K. this shit doesn’t happen of course it does to white British women but that’s not socially acceptable nowadays but in ours communities it is that’s the big difference.

like I said women put up with this because of cultural conditioning, being coerced by family to put up with bad behaviour from men and fear of divorce so let the shit men get a way with it. The moment women fear divorce then the man can use and abuse all he likes. But once you lose the fear you realise you live in a free country where you can command respect from men. You don’t need to do what the community expect you to do, there is no law telling you you must.

thenewduchessoflapland · 18/12/2022 19:32

Wow!

He works 25 hours a week;does absolutely nothing and you're literally waiting on him hand and foot?

Are you serious?

What have I just read?

This needs to stop immediately;he is taking the absolute piss out of you.

magma32 · 18/12/2022 19:33

Yes I know op i know exactly how it works as I’m from this same culture but like I said if you’re not willing to make a change you’ll have to accept you’ll be his doormat for life. The women that challenge this are not looked upon favourably but why do you care? Are your parents paying your bills? Start taking control of your life. I know it’s not easy but unless you teach these type of men a lesson they will carry on thinking this is ok!

Original poster

Aly321 · 18/12/2022 19:34

magma32 · 18/12/2022 19:31

Don’t you have friends outside of the community to offer different perspectives? How integrated are you? I am born here so for me it was easy to demand respect from my partner, that doesn’t mean in the U.K. this shit doesn’t happen of course it does to white British women but that’s not socially acceptable nowadays but in ours communities it is that’s the big difference.

like I said women put up with this because of cultural conditioning, being coerced by family to put up with bad behaviour from men and fear of divorce so let the shit men get a way with it. The moment women fear divorce then the man can use and abuse all he likes. But once you lose the fear you realise you live in a free country where you can command respect from men. You don’t need to do what the community expect you to do, there is no law telling you you must.

Yes I have non-Muslim and non-Asian friends who think it’s absurd that I choose to put up with this also. I guess I need to fight the cultural pressures and expectations. Because right about now I have no support to leave this situation and I cannot confront him either because he just goes apeshit every time I try to discuss these matters with him.

OP posts:

magma32 · 18/12/2022 19:38

Sorry I have just read the bit about him getting angry. Well that is abusive behaviour. Obviously in our culture there is no such thing as abusive behaviour but please know this is domestic abuse. Whose name is the house in? Is he from back home? Is the marriage registered? I would honestly throw him out, I know very traditionally girls who have married men from back home and have had enough and thrown them out, their parents have accepted it but not without scaring them first. You need to be a good role model to your kids unlike your own parents.

magma32 · 18/12/2022 19:43

You won’t leave him over night. It takes a while to learn things and find your strength as it’s not easy to LTB when you have no support network. You don’t even have to divorce him yet, just find your strength and tell him you’ll call the police if he tries anything. Start throwing your weight around, get angry shout back at him, what will he do, hit you? Then you call the police. Your parents should have your back but they don’t so the onus is on you.

women’s aid
southall black sisters are organisations worth talking to

if you’re Muslim there are organisations there too but the above is all you need really and the police.

SuperFly123 · 18/12/2022 19:47

Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. I despair.

EyeCand · 18/12/2022 19:48

I'm from a south Asian background

I'm currently on maternity leave
My husband wakes every morning and makes packed lunches for our eldest before taking them to school before he goes to work
He also helps with dinner when he's back, washes up before bed
He does nappies, baths, you name it, he does it.

It's nothing to do with 'culture'

Your husband is an abusive man and your family sound deranged too!

toomuchlaundry · 18/12/2022 19:52

Are you married?

getoutof · 18/12/2022 19:54

Are they his children? This sounds absolutely terrible and you really need to ask if this is normal?

Original poster

Aly321 · 18/12/2022 19:54

toomuchlaundry · 18/12/2022 19:52

Are you married?

We had a Muslim ceremony in a mosque called a Nikkah so we can live together. However it is not recognised as a legal UK marriage.

OP posts:

Original poster

Aly321 · 18/12/2022 19:55

getoutof · 18/12/2022 19:54

Are they his children? This sounds absolutely terrible and you really need to ask if this is normal?

Yes they are his children. He was a bit more hands on with the first but since the second he’s just stopped doing anything

OP posts:

Original poster

Aly321 · 18/12/2022 19:59

EyeCand · 18/12/2022 19:48

I'm from a south Asian background

I'm currently on maternity leave
My husband wakes every morning and makes packed lunches for our eldest before taking them to school before he goes to work
He also helps with dinner when he's back, washes up before bed
He does nappies, baths, you name it, he does it.

It's nothing to do with 'culture'

Your husband is an abusive man and your family sound deranged too!

That sounds like a dream. I do the nursery runs for our child. He is never up by 8am to do it. And yeah, family are very unsupportive. I’ve been told to shut up and put up and not say a word. Surprisingly whenever I tell my parents that we’ve argued, they always blame me for speaking up and say I shouldn’t speak up or “provoke” him. By provoke I mean confront him about his laziness. So I’m stuck with it

OP posts:

GrumpyPanda · 18/12/2022 19:59

Punching and breaking things is abusive. You should be posting in Relationships not Childcare- the posters there are very experienced with this sort of situation and will have lots of advice. Maybe ask MN to move the thread by reporting it. Good luck OP, we're all rooting for you.

Rinatinabina · 18/12/2022 20:01

Aly321 · 18/12/2022 19:21

Oh my god. I’m not going mad after all. I’m from a south Asian background and most women in my community serve their husband so anyone I spoke to including my mother tells me to shut up and put up as they all do the same. Thank god I’m not alone in my thinking. I don’t know what to do now, because when I try to talk to him about how I feel, he gets very angry… he tends to punch walls or break things when he loses his temper. And I know him well enough by now to know that he will definitely get angry if I tell him he needs to pull his weight more, so I try not to discuss anything that would be controversial..

I’m from a south asian background, this is not normal amongst my family. DH has never in over ten years asked me to make him breakfast, he makes DD breakfast though. Your husband is an abusive lazy piece of shit.

Hatscats · 18/12/2022 20:06

Wtf - breakfast in bed?!
I’d be out of there unless things change big time.

magma32 · 18/12/2022 20:10

I think those of you saying it’s not normal in your families I’m sure you would agree forced marriages, coercive marriages, patriarchy, honour based violence is more specific to some cultures than others and it’s clear op is part of it as her family are complicit in her abuse. So let’s try to understand what she’s up against. In wider British society this is not ok but in her community it definitely is the norm which is why she’s been getting on with it as she’s being told to do so from everyone around her.

op you have come on here asking if this is normal but your friends have already told you it isn’t. I’m not sure what you’re looking for beyond this, what are your next steps? Do you see yourself standing up to him? Eventually leaving him? Like mentioned above, there are organisations that can help even if your family/community won’t.

MajorCarolDanvers · 18/12/2022 20:11

Not parenting his children

Breakfast in bed ordered by text message - unbelievable

What does this caveman bring to the relationship?

QueenBeex · 18/12/2022 20:12

5hrs a day and gets breakfast in bed. How wonderful his life must be.

Original poster

Aly321 · 18/12/2022 20:15

magma32 · 18/12/2022 20:10

I think those of you saying it’s not normal in your families I’m sure you would agree forced marriages, coercive marriages, patriarchy, honour based violence is more specific to some cultures than others and it’s clear op is part of it as her family are complicit in her abuse. So let’s try to understand what she’s up against. In wider British society this is not ok but in her community it definitely is the norm which is why she’s been getting on with it as she’s being told to do so from everyone around her.

op you have come on here asking if this is normal but your friends have already told you it isn’t. I’m not sure what you’re looking for beyond this, what are your next steps? Do you see yourself standing up to him? Eventually leaving him? Like mentioned above, there are organisations that can help even if your family/community won’t.

Unfortunately I don’t feel I have the capability to leave him, even though I do consider it. I’d be too embarrassed as a single mother is frowned upon massively in our community. I guess I came on here for that reassurance that im not going mad and this isn’t normal. Even though my friends have already told me that. I would be happy to hear from someone in a similar situation who has found a positive way out of it

OP posts:

Original poster

Aly321 · 18/12/2022 20:16

MajorCarolDanvers · 18/12/2022 20:11

Not parenting his children

Breakfast in bed ordered by text message - unbelievable

What does this caveman bring to the relationship?

When I think about it I don’t actually know what he brings to the table at all..

OP posts:

jannier · 18/12/2022 20:22

Aly321 · 18/12/2022 19:21

Oh my god. I’m not going mad after all. I’m from a south Asian background and most women in my community serve their husband so anyone I spoke to including my mother tells me to shut up and put up as they all do the same. Thank god I’m not alone in my thinking. I don’t know what to do now, because when I try to talk to him about how I feel, he gets very angry… he tends to punch walls or break things when he loses his temper. And I know him well enough by now to know that he will definitely get angry if I tell him he needs to pull his weight more, so I try not to discuss anything that would be controversial..

Wow he scared you into shutting up.....it's not acceptable and he's a lazy arse. 5 hours a day is part time anyway how are you affording your bills?
I guess it depends on your feelings about tradition and how your community will react/your ability to stand against it but what do you want for your children and yourself? Isn't it expected that he will at least pull his weight income wise ....he can't have it both ways as in you support him financially and wait on like a skivy.