Nannying = farming out your child - big mistake?

[WorkingMumD]

Hi, wanted some views. When I was in my 30s I was in London in a good job and so when I gave birth it seemed like the right thing to get a nanny to look after my daughter. Everyone did it! And it didn't seem weird. Now 17 years later, having talked to my daughter about it, I feel like it's the biggest mistake ever made.
She was traumatised by not having me around and couldn't tell me as she was so young and didn't want to upset her mummy. After 2.5 years of using a nanny, I felt it was wrong and so I did give up my job and we moved somewhere quieter and cheaper so I could be at home more with her, but the damage was done. She had a very very difficult teenage phase where we got on incredibly badly and now is able to say it tracks back to because she felt unwanted and unhappy when younger. She's now raised this a number of times, with me, doctors and mental health professionals. I'm quite devastated by it on a personal level as her dad and I worked so hard to try to give her a good, loving stable family home with everything she wanted - and she always seemed happy. I've told her I regret it, but I did change everything for her and the only way to put it right is by not doing it for her own children and by learning from it. I just wondered if anyone else had a similar experience? And/or what you would advise?

She sounds very priveleged and entitled.

Does she criticise her dad to his face for her being in childcare?

Honestly I'd say she is picking for things to be mad at, for being mads sake. Hopefully there's a discernable reason behind it.

Must not have been a very good nanny then

I don't want to invalidate how your daughter feels, but my mother left me with a child minder to go back to work from when I was 6 weeks old. I do not believe I am personally traumatised. I think choosing a one care giver who is looking after her in a home setting is actually one of the best ways (besides I suppose being at home yourself).

Do you think maybe there is more to her saying this? Perhaps it's more to do with what is happening now?

hmmm
many many children are looked after by people other than their mothers to some extent- in fact I'd say it's the norm globally
in most cases it's fine
so unless there was something unusual about your situation- say she was away from you 24/7, or the nanny was negligent, or you had a rapid sucession of different nannies- I'd say you need to look elsewhere for the cause of your daughter's problems

im a nanny and it’s not ‘weird’ even in London now so it’s sounds odd she’s creating about it really. I hope she gives her father as much grief as she gives you about it, or does she think the burden of sorting childcare falls solely on the wife and mother?

No one remembers being 2.5.

I second what other people are saying here, it looks like there's other issues here.

This.

Weird, guilt-inducing nonsense. I mean she's 17 so that's par for the course. But why are you joining in?

This sounds like she's seen something about attachment trauma on TikTok and applied it to herself in a very self centred way. Normal people need childcare, whether that's nursery, childminders or nannies. Your daughter sounds incredibly childish and self absorbed

Um ... how old was she when you made changes? 3?
Yes, there can be issues relating to insecure attachment in early childhood, but using a nanny in order to maintain a professional job shouldn't preclude reasonably secure attachment between you and your child as well as between them and their nanny.

The "difficult-teenager-I-always-felt-unwanted-narrative" is not uncommon. I wouldn't have thought that a child who grew up with you around them loads from the age of 3 would have recollections of "feeling unwanted" before then, certainly not to be able to articulate 10 years later. When did this particular idea first surface in relation to any counselling she had? How much did she know about her early childhood, did your former work come up in general conversations or was it only mentioned later?

You have my sympathies. My 16 yr old is currently telling me I've "hurt him badly" but he couldn't possibly tell me how, because "I'll just get angry". So I've still no idea what it is I've done wrong.

Rubbish. Total garbage. She’s found the right button to press to wind you up. That’s all.

I would be amazed if anyone remembers anything about being 2.5. Most teenagers are difficult. I suspect she's making it up in an attempt to excuse her behaviour.

Many (most?) children are looked after someone else from the age of 1, and she certainly wouldn't remember before that.

What?

She's feeding you a line of complete bullshit. Children can't remember, much less articulate, those kinds of feelings at those kinds of ages.

In many, many countries around the world, children go into nursery or childcare from a few months old and yet these countries don't produce masses of psychopaths or traumatised adults.

My DD is 7 and went to full time nursery from 9months old, she can barely remember nursery, had a few vague recollections of some of the other kids but that's about it. I find it difficult to believe that your DD has strong memories of being 2.5.

I would advise you not to pay attention to a teenage guilt trip.

Millions of children are in childcare from a young age and they don't all have a terrible time as a teenager.

Equally, some children have SAHMs and have terrible times as teenagers.

And as other people say, she won't be able to remember

Is it possible that YOU feel guilty about using a nanny? You probably mentioned it to her quite often how bad you feel about your childcare arrangements during her early years.

Since she knows you are sensitive about this subject, she knows how to get under your skin.

I had "difficult" teenage years, as I'm sure many others did. I also didn't have a nanny. She's latched on to your guilt and is milking it. Does she take any responsibility for her actions, or does she cop out by blaming you?

Are you sure this isn't just the stick to beat you with?

Of all paid childcare solutions, having the one to one attention of a nanny is considered the gold standard.

She's lying. She can't remember it at all.

What everyone else said.

If you are paying for her therapist I strongly suggest you find a new one as it seems they’ve been encouraging some daft ideas.

She’s 17, if she wasn’t using this to push your mum guilt button it would be something else. It’s the nature of teenagers, parents ( let’s be honest usually mums) are always in the wrong. It’s a phase just like tantrums in a toddler.

Mine was in childcare from 11 months and he's now a teenager with no mental health issues and we have a generally good relationship. This is not because of the nanny.
unless you literally let the nanny get her up and put her to bed and never saw her other than days off? That could have felt pretty awful I guess.

Your daughter has decided that this issue is the root of her problems. She may in good faith genuinely believe this to be true, but that doesn't mean it IS true (unless the nanny mistreated her in ways that you have not mentioned). It is a narrative that she is telling to explain her difficulties. The teenage years are difficult for many girls, whatever childcare arrangements were in place when they were little.

I recommend Untangled by Lisa Damour as a good book about understanding teen girls. I have a teen DD myself btw.

I agree with PP that why only you, is at fault in her view? does she blame daddy too?
Teenagers are difficult anyway. I do think she found something you feel guilty about and using it to get her own way.