Nannying = farming out your child - big mistake?

[WorkingMumD]

Hi, wanted some views. When I was in my 30s I was in London in a good job and so when I gave birth it seemed like the right thing to get a nanny to look after my daughter. Everyone did it! And it didn't seem weird. Now 17 years later, having talked to my daughter about it, I feel like it's the biggest mistake ever made.
She was traumatised by not having me around and couldn't tell me as she was so young and didn't want to upset her mummy. After 2.5 years of using a nanny, I felt it was wrong and so I did give up my job and we moved somewhere quieter and cheaper so I could be at home more with her, but the damage was done. She had a very very difficult teenage phase where we got on incredibly badly and now is able to say it tracks back to because she felt unwanted and unhappy when younger. She's now raised this a number of times, with me, doctors and mental health professionals. I'm quite devastated by it on a personal level as her dad and I worked so hard to try to give her a good, loving stable family home with everything she wanted - and she always seemed happy. I've told her I regret it, but I did change everything for her and the only way to put it right is by not doing it for her own children and by learning from it. I just wondered if anyone else had a similar experience? And/or what you would advise?

What in my post is unprofessional ?

Hi all - thanks for your supportive comments. To address your points - my daughter did have a really good decent nanny mainly (then we had one briefly who was a bit average) with her cousin who was the same age. She was nannied from age 7 months to 4 years old. And yes, we did it as it seemed a gold standard way to care for her. Her dad is great but has a massive job, is away a lot, and I've always had to be the one there, doing everything. It's actually other kids mums who said her early years sound 'messed up' and 'not the way to bring a child up' (referring to nannies). She has got learning difficulties which I've worked on tirelessly to resolve or support since we spotted them and she did have depression etc like most teen girls these days - at which I've thrown experts and counsellors etc, on top of talking to her as much as poss. She is of course self centred as all teenagers can be: she is trying to find her way and who she is. But she seems to really believe the nanny experience made her very unhappy at the time. I do feel guilty (now) about using a nanny! But it was a solution and privilege I was very lucky to be able to afford at the time. She, on the other hand, is embarrassed about the privileges she now has. The joy of teenagers! Thanks for any other insights all of you!

I cant believe she remembers anything from when she was 2.5. One of mine is 5 and they cant remember being 2.5

She might have issues, your relationship might have issues - but its not because she can remember being 2.5 years old and missing you

plus where's her dad in all of this?

I don't know anyone who had a lot of memories pre 2. I think she sounds very entitled.

It's actually other kids mums who said her early years sound 'messed up' and 'not the way to bring a child up' (referring to nannies).

Right, so some judgemental parents have put the idea into your dd's head that she had a messed up childhood, she has latched onto it and is now assuming that it's the cause of her depression. And you're buying into that?

@LowlandLucky what bullshit are you chatting. Babies and toddlers cry when separated from their main caregiver - yes, we know. They don't cry all day though, do they? And clearly you're not following them along their lives to see them grow up into completely normally well-adjusted children let alone teens and adults.

Or, if we're giving masses amounts of credence to anecdata, then I can tell you my twins went to nursery from 8 months to pre-school and don't remember it at all. I think I win - twins AND nursery?!

Because despite having a career in childcare you don’t support the need for childcare? And it’s the mothers you blame? Dads get a free pass? And you think all the poor little kiddies are desperately unhappy in a settling that isn’t their own home?

you are possibly in the wrong area of work.

I think anything is possible. Examples of similarities in situations with different outcomes neither proves or disproves anything in this situation. Many people perceive what has happened to them in different ways. Having worked with people who have experienced trauma I know that many things can impact a person even things before they are verbal. It would probably really helpful for her and you if she could have some sort therapy

Frankly, I'd probably cry all day if I had to spend it with someone so nasty and judgmental!!

Yes, some do cry all day but it if it makes you happier thinking children would rather be in nursery then i hope it works for you.

Exactly, with all the feelings I have about DS starting nursery next month- to think a professional caring for him could be judging me and regards me as a shit mum for putting him in- I mean Jesus Christ.

She's using this as a stick to beat you with. Children have been left in various forms of childcare for centuries because many women have always had to work.

I attended a child minder from a young age, as did my siblings, and we are not traumatised.

Looking after her was just as much her dad's responsibility as it was yours - but I bet he isn't being guilt tripped about it.

Yes, some do cry all day but it if it makes you happier thinking children would rather be in nursery then i hope it works for you.

I hope as a professional you refused to care for these children. What with believing you were involved in actively harming them...

Ummmm two year olds would also rather be eating chocolate buttons all day, but we don't let them?

They also cry when mum has the audacity to go to the toilet on her own, or take away the sharp knife they've found, or removes the slug from their mouths.

I don't understand what point you think you're making to me? My children don't even remember that age so it makes no difference whether they cried or not. I have never had an iota of guilt for putting them in nursery as the alternative was losing a family income and then ultimately our home.

Children are part of a family. They aren't the sole focus and only important being in that family. Even they have to compromise sometimes, and if that compromise is that they're in childcare then so be it.

@WorkingMumD
My mother died when I was 2 yrs old, and prior to that She was in hospital a lot, so I had various relatives look after me and neighbours.

After her death, I was put into a very brutal day nursery ( abusive and awful) and despite being 2 . Yrs I remember it in part.

However, I’m assuming you chose a good Nanny, and that the Nanny was there only during working hours for childcare-
Also assume you’d have had maternity leave.

What does seem to damage SOME kids is being sent away young to boarding school.

Your daughter sounds like you do care, so she is lucky in that regard.
She’ll just have to accept it..
The past can't be changed.

@Skinnermarink You're of course right - I think mums (in particular) feel worse about their children going to childcare than the children ever do - and certainly than the dad's ever do!

I wouldn't indulge this nonsense for a second!

Absolutely. Hope that you reported the nursery too, as it sounds like they weren't doing a good job at all.

Quite different from the nurseries that my friend used to work at, which sounded lovely. She was quite happy to send her own kids into that environment as she knew that they would be happy and well cared for.

In any case, the OP didn't even send her dd to nursery, she used a nanny.

No one remembers being 2 and a half. She's pressing your buttons because it's working. Don't indulge it.

It's actually other kids mums who said her early years sound 'messed up' and 'not the way to bring a child up' (referring to nannies)

Sorry I don't believe this for a second. There is no way in hell another mother would refer to using nannies as 'messed up'.

I have sympathy for you. But this feels like a classic I DIDN'T ASK TO BE BORN teenage strop that is being fed and compounded, potentially by social media and her friends.

Thanks! My main concern is that I’ll bloody miss him, not that he won’t be ok! He’ll be fine, we all be, needs must- it’s life! I think children are very lucky to be able to have two parents that work hard and value quality family time while keeping a bloody roof over everyone’s head, never mind all the ‘nice’ things we like to give to our children.

I had terrible mental health as a teen. It didn't occur to me at the time to blame my mother, who had been terribly unhappy and unfulfilled as a SAHP. Perhaps I should sue her now for not having given me the perfect childhood to which I think I was entitled?

Was she with the nanny 24 hours a day, and never managed to bond with you or her Dad as a result? In which case she has a point. Or was she with the nanny while you worked, and you saw her in the evening when you got home and she knew you were her mum and was bonded tto you? In which case you had a perfectly good childcare arrangement in place and this cannot be used as a reason for insecure attachment (or whatever other theory she's read about). Teenagers don't even do this stuff deliberately, they are biologically programmed to be self centred and therefore every perceived injustice against them gets blown out of all proportion. I'm not sure giving credence to her complaint is actually helpful - it will just make her believe it even more and feel even more sorry for herself which will then negatively effect her mental health.

Don't invalidate your daughters feelings.

Children want their parents' time, not money.

Anyway, you can't change the past now. Work on building your relationship together going forward.

Actually DD didn't like after school care so I gave her the choice. Less nice place to live, no holidays, fewer treats and I wouldn't work.

She chose after school care.

But great passive aggressive guilt installation. Good work.