Nannying = farming out your child - big mistake?

[WorkingMumD]

Hi, wanted some views. When I was in my 30s I was in London in a good job and so when I gave birth it seemed like the right thing to get a nanny to look after my daughter. Everyone did it! And it didn't seem weird. Now 17 years later, having talked to my daughter about it, I feel like it's the biggest mistake ever made.
She was traumatised by not having me around and couldn't tell me as she was so young and didn't want to upset her mummy. After 2.5 years of using a nanny, I felt it was wrong and so I did give up my job and we moved somewhere quieter and cheaper so I could be at home more with her, but the damage was done. She had a very very difficult teenage phase where we got on incredibly badly and now is able to say it tracks back to because she felt unwanted and unhappy when younger. She's now raised this a number of times, with me, doctors and mental health professionals. I'm quite devastated by it on a personal level as her dad and I worked so hard to try to give her a good, loving stable family home with everything she wanted - and she always seemed happy. I've told her I regret it, but I did change everything for her and the only way to put it right is by not doing it for her own children and by learning from it. I just wondered if anyone else had a similar experience? And/or what you would advise?

Very much this. People, particularly young people, increasingly seem to want to identify with a trauma of some sort. I think much of it does stem from social media.

And she did have depression etc like most teen girls these days...

No. Most teenaged girls don't have depression for no reason.

I think you really need to concentrate now on rebuilding your relationship with your DD before it's too late.

Or ignore the advice and become permanently estranged because it suits your narrative.

Sorry- but bollocks. Many children go to nursery/ child minders and a few have nanny's. What age was your daughter? If having 1-1 adult input 'traumatised' her and she's still holding it against you, despite you then leaving your job and being a SAHP for however many years, then either it was a really crap/ abusive nanny, or she's looking for an excuse for current behaviours which you're encouraging.

No. Most teenaged girls don't have depression for no reason.
I think you really need to concentrate now on rebuilding your relationship with your DD before it's too late.

This ^^

Thankyou for all your comments. @mathanxiety my comment may have been too flip. My daughter has had a lot of struggles: she has been diagnosed with severe ADD and dyslexia, which as you may know carry a complex mix of challenges, some of which can include experiencing depression and anxiety. School was a complete nightmare for her in short. She has had a lot of counselling and help over the years and is now moving in a positive direction. As parents we have worked very hard to help, guide and support her, when sometimes it was extremely hard to know what exactly was happening. My original post was to also understand what impact her early experiences might have had - and to see if anyone had any insights. Hope that makes sense.

Traumatised due to 2.5yrs of childcare as a baby /toddler

you Have now said she has other issues and special needs - you working 15/17yrs ago has not caused her to feel like this

she is trying to guilt you 15yrs on. Maybe due to friends having sahm. Maybe due to social media. Is she on a lot of stuff ?

but you having a career for those few years of her younger life isn’t the issue here

OP, it was a fairly massive omission not to mention her ADD and dyslexia previously. She is obviously a complex personality and has a lot going on. What is the response from doctors and MH professionals when she blames all her problems on being cared for by a nanny when younger? I would also take her statements about her friends' mothers feeling sad for her with a pinch of salt. Do you know any of these parents to speak to? It would be very interesting to find out exactly how she is presenting the experience to them.

Thank you @unfortunateevents , just seen your response. She is complex and has had a terrible time with ADD, school as a result & mental health as a result. She is 18 and on medication now & much improved. The consultant did gently stop her when she blamed me for leaving her with a nanny, saying most mums have to work. The issue seems to focus on one 3 month period when she had a stand in nanny to cover maternity. My daughter was just at an age to remember things and all she remembers is the nanny being tough, strict and scaring her. We didn't like the nanny & let her go. I gave up my big job to look after her. Which I've explained to her but she constantly references me giving her to a nanny (though she was a baby and it lasted til she was 3.5), saying it’s a ‘messed up’ thing to do. I guess children are very fragile and mine was more than I realised 😔Thanks for your thoughts!

Oh they absolutely DO
After my mother died i had to go to an appalling Day Nursery, at 2 yrs and remember with absolute clarity the colour of the place, the rocking horse in the window, and the brown bowls we were fed from- and the baggy bingo wings of the brute in charge.
Went to another in Castlenau, Young Black girl there had a terrible burn on her arm that showed pink and white.
The kindest Day nursery was run by a lovely young woman- we loved her.
Kids with trauma remember a lot .
I have an adoptive mother who also remembers stuff from her own toddlerhood.

@WorkingMumD
Some children really don’t do well being cared for by others.
If your daughter was ill treated in any way, it could well be imprinted in her memory.
Ideally kids would be with a loving, nurturing mother especially when so young.

Even adopted children taken away from their birth mothers very young can be deeply affected.
”
Attachment disorder “

A “ Professional nanny” calling a traumatised child “ An entitled madam?”
I feel sorry for your charges if that’s the snarky attitude towards kids.