Nannying = farming out your child - big mistake?

[WorkingMumD]

Hi, wanted some views. When I was in my 30s I was in London in a good job and so when I gave birth it seemed like the right thing to get a nanny to look after my daughter. Everyone did it! And it didn't seem weird. Now 17 years later, having talked to my daughter about it, I feel like it's the biggest mistake ever made.
She was traumatised by not having me around and couldn't tell me as she was so young and didn't want to upset her mummy. After 2.5 years of using a nanny, I felt it was wrong and so I did give up my job and we moved somewhere quieter and cheaper so I could be at home more with her, but the damage was done. She had a very very difficult teenage phase where we got on incredibly badly and now is able to say it tracks back to because she felt unwanted and unhappy when younger. She's now raised this a number of times, with me, doctors and mental health professionals. I'm quite devastated by it on a personal level as her dad and I worked so hard to try to give her a good, loving stable family home with everything she wanted - and she always seemed happy. I've told her I regret it, but I did change everything for her and the only way to put it right is by not doing it for her own children and by learning from it. I just wondered if anyone else had a similar experience? And/or what you would advise?

Ah, once again mothers being guilt-tripped while dads get a free pass.

I agree that I don't think two years or however long of a nanny, assuming she wasn't abusive or neglectful in some way, will have done any harm to an well-balanced child with parents who love and care for her. The nanny is a stick to beat you with, and I'd be surprised if any mental health professional is encouraging it as I highly doubt it's going to get to the root of her problems that way.

My mum went back to work and left me with a nanny when I was 6mo old. a few months later, the nanny wasn't watching when I fell out of my highchair and broke my leg. And the nanny didn't realise I had a broken leg for 2 days. Now that is probably neglect. But I don't remember it, I don't blame my parents and I don't love them any less.

My own kids were in nursery (much less attention than a nanny) and later with a nanny from 6 months - 5 years. They are both secure & loving & haven't complained.

In short - your daughter is creating problems and blaming you for something that DOES NOT MATTER. Your daughter may well be hurting now and be unhappy about something. But there is a 99% chance that the nanny is not the cause and you are not the cause. She is unhappy about something else and has found a good way to blame you.

Do give her love and attention, do help her find a therapist who can talk through this properly but don't take on the guilt. you did nothing wrong.

This poster may be onto something. Did childcare as the root of her problems come from her or you? And if her, have you ever mentioned to her why you gave up work?

FWIW, I have a memory from being 2.5 but it is a memory of one hugely traumatic and distressing event. My next earliest memory is from being about 4.5.

I was looked after by a nanny growing up. I sailed through my teens, more or less, and have a great relationship as an adult with my parents. My DH’s mum was a SAHP, his DB totally went off the rails as a teen, and neither feels loved by their mother or has any sort of meaningful relationship with her now. It’s very sad.

I definitely agree with PPs that your DD is either finding ways to hurt you, because she’s a teenager; or else (or in addition) is really suffering but has misidentified the root cause. Do try to get her help, but don’t feel guilty about having used childcare in the early years.

You didn't do anything wrong. She 17 and trying to hurt you.

I smell bullshit. She can’t possibly remember being 2 years old and left behind.
There‘s something going on now, but don’t go blaming yourself about past, because that is not the reason.

Nah. I don't believe her. Teenage girls are incredibly manipulative (don't know about teenage boys, I have little experience of them). She's recognised your own guilt around this and gone in for the kill.

Would love to know where her dad is in all this.

I’ve mentioned this before on other Threads. My two were in full time child care from 7:30 to 17:30 every day u Tim they started school then had wrap around care. Their only recollection is that there were pet ducks and geese. That’s it. Their next memories are well into primary school.

Another one saying ignore her bullshit! I've got two DCs in their 20s and one of them went through this at about 16-17yrs - found all manner of things in his childhood that had 'harmed him' apparently - going to nursery, having an au pair, nasty dinner ladies etc. It was all part of the teenage blame the parents while you begin the separation from them process.
A few years later it had all passed and he admitted he loved his one afternoon when the au pair picked him up from school because they went to the park and had ice cream (not something nasty mummy did regularly!). In fact he's still in touch with his au pair now on FB!

She’s totally playing you!
she either read or saw a video and now she’s blaming you for being a teen!
i don’t know the statistics but I bet you the majority of the world population has had someone else to look after them on their early childhood - ok, they can be grandparents or aunts… and go back a hundred years, young parents were either working or too posh to look after their own kids…
as long as the other adults on their lives are loving there’s no damage, haven’t she heard that it takes a village?
if you’re paying for the therapist… I would suggest ask for your money back

She's bullshitting you in an (apparently successful) attempt to guilt trip you to excuse her own bad behaviour.

I smell bullshit too. She cannot possibly remember being 2.

tbh I think this thread is just a thinly veiled attempt to have a pop at those people who have used nannies.

Total bollocks. Has she had the balls to try this game with her Dad - blaming him for going to work? Or is she just bullying Mummy dearest? Tell her to get a grip.

She sounds like a manipulative little madam who is wrapping you around her little finger. Perhaps ask her if she would have preferred growing up without x, y, z that you provided for her by, you know, having a job?

Please stop pandering to her and apologising for making perfectly valid parenting choices that millions of others make every day. She is bloomin lucky she got a one to one nanny, most kids go to nursery and probably get way less individual attention than she got.

She sounds like a total brat!

I also wondered that. Could well be a troll trying to wind up working parents!

DH & I both had nannies and 2 parents who worked full time. 5 siblings across both families and none of us have been damaged by this… quite the reverse, all were close to the Nannie’s until they passed away (older than our parents, like a 3rd grandmother). My DC also has a nanny and regularly says “go away mummy” because she wants to play with her and generally shows all signs of a child with strong attachment to parents. Key point, although our parents all worked full time, they did NOT work super long hours and prioritized family time when they were not working. We also both had the same nanny for years (as has our DC) so very stable caregiver.

I do believe that it's possible to remember stuff from your very early years. My 17yo dd remembers quite a lot of stuff about her nanny, who looked after her for a few hours each day until she was 3 and a half. She wasn't remotely traumatised by this, though - quite the contrary, she has very fond memories of the lovely nanny, who we're still in touch with all these years later. Far from suffering as a result of the care that she had in those early years, dd is positively thriving... she has better mental health than most people I know!!

It sounds kind your dd unfortunately has poor mental health and is looking for someone/ something to blame. I agree with pp who suggested that she knows this is something that you feel bad about and it's a good way for her to get at you. It's extremely unlikely that her issues actually stem from having had a nanny in those early years, unless you have reason to believe that the nanny you employed was abusive in some way.

Maybe it's time to stop beating yourself up about what's done and to get some support in place to help your dd tackle the mental health issues that she is obviously struggling with right now.

I would understand if she remembered school summer holidays or before/after school clubs but I doubt she remembers being 2.5!

Do you remember being 2.5? My first memories are 4/5 ish.

My guess is that she is using this because she's seen your reaction to the possibility. When she brings this up do you forgive her behaviour instantly ? Teenagers know where our weaknesses are - is she spoilt more or allowed to behave worse because of your guilt?

Does she blame her Dad for not going part-time or for not working around your job?

How would she feel if she didn't get the luxuries that she grew up with because you didn't work?

Not to invalidate your feelings or your that of your daughter’s. I do have specific memories when I was 2.5 years old. But then again I was always told that I was always reaching milestones ahead of time so I could just have been mature for my age.

Some mental health professionals, not all, sometimes like to delve in the past to help explain current trauma etc. So it could be that approach that’s been taken, that somehow lays blame to early years for current maladaptive behaviour.

Don't indulge her. There is no way she remembers being that old. Or even had the concept of being unloved and unwanted. As a PP said. She sounds very entitled.

I used to beat my mother with the stick that she worked full time when I was little but gave up work when my siblings came along so therefore she loved them more than me.

I said it because it worked at pushing my mother's buttonsand I was a fucking evil teenager not because it had any basis in reality. The reality was I was cared for properly. Kept clean, fed and entertained.

Your daughter doesn't have deep rooted trauma about being in childcare, she's playing a game to get attention/money/stuff. That's not to say she doesn't find things tough, but you using a nanny when she was little is a red herring and almost certainly an idea put in her head by someone else.

Come on op. Did you actually hand child to nanny 24 /7 ?
Or did you spend evening and weekend and holidays with her?
Did child go to nanny so you could work?
Or was it yo do your hair snd lunch? Even if the latter, unless you literally did not spend any time at all with your child this makes no sense
You must hsve told her many times how you changed your mind about nanny fir her to know this is a thing for you
No one remembers up to 2.5
Someone e told her
You??

Sorry, but it sounds as if yr dd is trying to find an issue . Which 2.5 year old thinks that they had better not say that they don’t like a situation invade they hurt their parent’s feelings ? It is very normal to use childcare and you paid for the most personalised you could . Is she naming dad too ?

were you not around for weeks at a time ?
Was the Nanny abusive to her.

How did this conversation start, are you sure you didn't feel guilty, and pass your feelings on to her.

I think your DD is talking a crock of shit 🙄