Nannying = farming out your child - big mistake?

[WorkingMumD]

Hi, wanted some views. When I was in my 30s I was in London in a good job and so when I gave birth it seemed like the right thing to get a nanny to look after my daughter. Everyone did it! And it didn't seem weird. Now 17 years later, having talked to my daughter about it, I feel like it's the biggest mistake ever made.
She was traumatised by not having me around and couldn't tell me as she was so young and didn't want to upset her mummy. After 2.5 years of using a nanny, I felt it was wrong and so I did give up my job and we moved somewhere quieter and cheaper so I could be at home more with her, but the damage was done. She had a very very difficult teenage phase where we got on incredibly badly and now is able to say it tracks back to because she felt unwanted and unhappy when younger. She's now raised this a number of times, with me, doctors and mental health professionals. I'm quite devastated by it on a personal level as her dad and I worked so hard to try to give her a good, loving stable family home with everything she wanted - and she always seemed happy. I've told her I regret it, but I did change everything for her and the only way to put it right is by not doing it for her own children and by learning from it. I just wondered if anyone else had a similar experience? And/or what you would advise?

dc get mental health issues or become awkward teens who have only been cared for by their loving parent - There are some (expletive deleted) psychologists who will blame the mother in that case as being too protective (& read up on autism for mother blaming - take it from me you cannot win)
I would also wonder what she has been reading. I have a very good recollection of my childhood - but not as a two and half year old (unless there was some major trauma & the child won't remember the details, they would be seriously affected) I suspect your young lady is playing on your guilt
Motherhood is always a major guilt trip - you either do to much or not enough.

(Slightly off topic, but I do remember things in great detail from about 18 months, as does my brother, as do my children. DH doesn’t though, nor does his sister. Clearly it varies).

Does she spend a lot of time on tik tok mental health problems and trauma seem to be the in thing at the minute, this is not trauma, I'd be surprised if she even remembers being this age and she is well and truly playing you and wasting mental health services that others genuinely need. Don't play into her fantasy it will make it worse

My dd described something to me a couple of years ago that can only relate to an experience she had when she was 9 months old. She described it like it was a snapshot in her mind. Not traumatic, just different from what she was used to. We hadn't ever spoken about it and she hadn't ever seen any pictures (we don't have any). I was dumbfounded but can think of no explanation other than that the image was somehow seared into her memory.

She also has quite distinct memories of her 2nd birthday! And I remember some quite distinct things about my old house and my friend's house that date back to when I was only just 3. Especially the carpets!

This.

I was barely away from my mum before starting reception and can’t remember any of it.

She has a button that she can press- and does so.

She happen to havechosen a thing that you can do nothing about now, its gone, its passed, but she knows that!

Oh, I knew someone would pick up on that! I was very clearly not suggesting it's ideal, I was drawing a comparison between the millions of functional adults who go into nursery age 6 weeks, and the daughter of the OP who had consistent one-to-one care for a few years, then the undivided attention of her mother.

Op this is totally a made up guilt trip.

I stayed at home with all of mine, and they tell me it still wasn't good enough, I could have done x,y and z. I just say that is totally fine when you become a mother you can do exactly how you please - hee hee I will try really very very hard not to remind them of these conversations when they are a frazzled shell of their former selves!!

You should alert someone because that goes against all current understanding of memory.

You may have manufactured memories, or memories of memories, or pieced together thoughts. The chances of you having actual memories are very small.

If you're ND it's very slightly more likely but not much since you're talking about a whole year earlier than anyone believes possible.

Your dd for sure saw your reaction, and now she repeatedly presses it like a toddler with a buzzer, to get attention/make you feel bad/create drama.

My dd described something to me a couple of years ago that can only relate to an experience she had when she was 9 months old.

This is utter bollocks. No one remembers when they were 9 months FFS.

What specific bit of having a nanny does she think was 'messed up' op?

Her friends parents can't have found out she had a Nanny and felt that on it's own was messed up surely?

Did you work very long hours/work away? Is that maybe what she is referring to? Did the Nanny also look after her during weekends?

A family member of mine put his son in daycare three months before his wife went back to work to 'settle him in'. His wife is a teacher and they kept the baby in daycare all through the summer holidays too.

The only time the baby didn't go in was weekends and five days over Xmas when the daycare shut.

My family member actually met up with me and my kids one day while his son was in daycare which struck me as completely bizarre.

I don't think the child came out completely unscathed.

I remember my father locking in me in a pitch black attic as a 'joke' - I was 18 months and it was very traumatic, so it is possible to remember things when you are extremely young. I only have a handful of these memories. I discussed them with my psychologist when I was younger, whom confirmed it is indeed possible. Tell your dd it could have been a whole lot worse!

What was it about having the nanny look after your daughter that felt so wrong you ditched your job and moved away from London, OP?

Did you have a hectic job which required long hours or working away?

Did something strike you as wrong with the nanny herself?

Do you think she's had some bad experiences that she hasn't told you about and maybe blames you for not safeguarding her.

I'm not saying that's definitely the case just food for thought...

Sorry you're going through this

She's being ridiculous. There is no way she remembers and loads of children are looked after by childminders. Nurseries etc without being traumatised. I suspect something else is at the route of her mental health difficulties and she's just using this as something to blame.

By the way my DS was in full time childcare from 18 months and has definitely not been traumatised by it.

I'd take it all with a pinch of salt OP.

My ds can't remember anything at that age, not just childcare but living with his dad, being in a different town....nothing.

I'd say your daughter is playing on your guilt. You're being had. I'd cancel the therapist and encourage her to get herself a job.
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Yes, that's what I would have said. And yet my dd described something very specific that she couldn't possibly have known about otherwise. I don't know what to make of it if I'm honest. Not everything can be easily explained.

If being in childcare was automatically traumatising we'd all be pretty screwed

How many nannies did she have? What stage of life for each one? Was she able to say goodbye in a meaningful way to each one? How did you explain the departure of each nanny?

Don't dismiss her depression as 'normal for teen girls these days'.

Depression is a serious and sometimes debilitating illness, and not something you just throw money at and it's a sign of not trying hard enough if it doesn't go away.

How little did she see of her father as a young child? How 'big' did his job look in your lives?

There's a theme of 'we spent good money on her' running through your comments here which I find interesting.

Raising a child isn't a question of 'gold standard' in at one end and healthy, positive result out the other end fourteen years later. It certainly isn't the case with depression in a child.

My son is 6 and can hardly remember the full time childminder he had when he was 2.5

I never used a nanny or childminder for my children,didn’t want to .
but in all honesty,she’s using the fact you did ,as a stick to beat you with .
who remembers being 2 years old ..unless the nanny abused her in some way ,don’t give this any attention

Agree with @ScrollingLeaves comments here.

The part of the US that I am familiar with can afford to employ much-needed psychologists and licensed clinical social workers who provide MH therapy services for the students, both group sessions and individual therapy, during school hours. Children suffer from all sorts of trauma and pain related to their childhoods, even if they lived what might look like a privileged life in affluent surroundings.

My area is heaving with nannies and au pairs, and there are lots of licensed daycare facilities too. Very few families with a single income can afford to buy a home here.

I worked as a nanny for a few years, and have heard a lot of crying for mommy.

It's not just mommy herself that children cry for. Mommy represents important elements of life like safety and security and complete support for children. Even children whose mothers do not provide any of that still cry for mommy.

This is so sad. My son is 2 in the summer and he's starting nursery in September for 2 days a week. I don't think I could keep him in if he cries for me all day

I don't think I could keep him in if he cries for me all day

He won't. Don't worry.