Nannying = farming out your child - big mistake?

[WorkingMumD]

Hi, wanted some views. When I was in my 30s I was in London in a good job and so when I gave birth it seemed like the right thing to get a nanny to look after my daughter. Everyone did it! And it didn't seem weird. Now 17 years later, having talked to my daughter about it, I feel like it's the biggest mistake ever made.
She was traumatised by not having me around and couldn't tell me as she was so young and didn't want to upset her mummy. After 2.5 years of using a nanny, I felt it was wrong and so I did give up my job and we moved somewhere quieter and cheaper so I could be at home more with her, but the damage was done. She had a very very difficult teenage phase where we got on incredibly badly and now is able to say it tracks back to because she felt unwanted and unhappy when younger. She's now raised this a number of times, with me, doctors and mental health professionals. I'm quite devastated by it on a personal level as her dad and I worked so hard to try to give her a good, loving stable family home with everything she wanted - and she always seemed happy. I've told her I regret it, but I did change everything for her and the only way to put it right is by not doing it for her own children and by learning from it. I just wondered if anyone else had a similar experience? And/or what you would advise?

It definitely sounds like the dd has found mum's weak spot, and that she is milking it for all that it's worth.

That, or as a pp suggested, the OP herself is here to take a cheap shot at working mums.

Either way, I wonder if the OP will be back?

If you had told her that she was with you all the time until the age of 3 she would have believed you. You're projecting and she's being a teenager and lapping it up because trauma is cool nowadays.

Gosh! Teenagers will blame their parents for anything they can get away with. Teenage years are difficult even for a lot of kids brought up in the most stable environments. You didn't have a nanny for a long period and you changed your life to be there for your child while she was still young. You have done the best you can and you need to accept that this is true. While you shouldn't negate the hurt feelings she harbours, you need to also remind her that you did the best you could and that it was good enough at the time. Unless there was abuse or neglect from the nanny which you should have kept careful watch for, there is no sense in ruminating over decisions that you must have carefully considered before taking in the past. I think the approach you are taking to put the onus on her to do things differently with her own children is appropriate. When she does though, remind yourself not to be guilted into giving up your life to support her own decisions.

Also agree with OPs - my mother went back to work full-time when I was 7wks old, Dad also working full-time - no mental health issues resulted from this.
I returned to full-time work when DS was 10wks old.

Teenage years can be difficult but also agree with others she is using your guilt about nanny years to her own advantage and triggering your guilt.

Has she seen a medical practitioner and been diagnosed having mental health issues? If not strongly suggest you insist on this if not she is pushing your buttons.

I think she is looking for her 'thing' that makes her a victim/ different. It funny most people with shitty upbringings that did harm the way they turned out give a great impression that all was well in how they were raised. Me included!!

Utter nonsense.

Did your daughter finish her rant with ‘ but if you bought me a MacBook/Gucci trainers/a car i might get over the trauma i suffered as a child due to you selfishly going to work’

I think dismissing your dd's feelings would be a mistake. That's not to say you are to blame, we all do what we feel is best, but people react differently.
Of course infants know and remember subconsciously what happens in early life - adoption trauma, for example (read the primal wound etc) the death of a parent. You do not need to consciously remember for it to affect you - it's entirely possible your dd's therapy has unlocked these feelings.
I know children who haven't been affected at all, I know others who have and lifelong issues due to incidents which occurred before they were 3 - everyone is different.
I would encourage you dd to explore her feelings, BUT I would not allow the blame game, you can talk/discuss but she's not allowed to beat you to death with it. It's not too late to work on your attachment. Any good therapist will tell you that to recover she needs to work with you, not again you.
I wish you all the best.

I remember being 16 and discussing with my friends which of us had been to play school and concluding that because I was shy and hadn’t a boyfriend, and hadn’t been sent to playschool my social development has been stunted.

It feels really good to be able to pin down the ephemeral issues of identity and development so firmly and absolutely and assign the blame on such a safe place.

The best thing you can do for her right now is be that rock solid safe place. Don’t get sucked in to this. This has much more to do with her finding herself as an adult than it has to do with anything when she a toddler.
Take the blame - yes, it happened. Not your best decision. But hey, life happens and if that’s all she has to complain about she’s still luckier than most.

I wouldn’t want to invalidate her feelings but honestly who could remember feeling unwanted at 2 years old!? I went to a childminder after primary school and barely remember any of that, it sounds like she is just trying to find something to make you feel guilty about? You ended up spending time with her during her childhood from her toddler years onwards, you can’t blame any difficult behaviour on being nannied for a couple of years.

Surely she’s winding you up.

my children were in childcare from 1yo 8-6 every day for 5 days. Thankfully finances changed when my eldest started school and I didn’t have to work hours like that again, but I can assure you they’re not traumatised by it. They bloody loved it there!

no one can remember feeling a certain way at 2 years old. It’s rubbish b

I am amazed how many on here are dismissing this young adults feelings, is that because she might have touched a nerve in some posters. You ask why she doesn't blame her Father, maybe because small children need their Mothers, no matter what you say to convince yourself that Nursery is great for children, the fact is that it isn't. Having worked in childcare for years and having comforted many children that have been besides themselves because they want their "mummy"( never their Daddy) i can assure you it is an awful thing for a child to go through. The eventually stop crying every day because the realise that they will be left no matter what.

I wouldn't be taking this particularly seriously in your position. I would tell her that you're sorry she feels this way but you did what you thought was best for her and the family at the time. And that, now she is almost an adult, it's up to her to make a success or failure of her life.

No matter what? No matter that both parents really now need to go to work to earn an income to keep most households afloat? You do realise that’s why the vast majority of people use childcare?

I also hope I would never come across you as a childcare worker, @LowlandLucky as you sound deeply unprofessional.

I think her thoughts are entirely valid but that she can't project this on you. You did your best you could do at the time.

I'm also shocked how easily people dismiss this

Does she feel the same about being ‘farmed out’ age four to go to school?

I do understand why both parents now have to work. Many years ago when full daycare became common most women rushed to work, this meant couples could borrow more and more money, they could offer more for a house meaning most families with SAHM were priced out of the market. This meant the majority of women had no choice but to go to work full time and the property market got out of hand. We are now reaping what we sowed

Because it's clearly bollocks. For a number of reasons.

Your daughter is full of bullshit, not to mention entitled.

This is utter rubbish and extremely manipulating. I'm sorry but thousands of children are cared for by nannies, nurseries, grandparents or childminders. It's life. And it teaches them that mummy doesn't exist purely to pander to their needs, and they THEY are not the centre of the universe.
I say this as the child of a wonderful working single mum, who taught me the values of family time, and give and take.

@LowlandLucky

So you'd be out of a job if we all suddenly gave up work and spent every day with our kids (whilst not being able to afford food / heating / a home).

You're a very unkind and really quite dim person.

My friend could’ve written your post, although she’s older (her DD is in her 40s). And they have a very strained relationship (despite the fact that friend did loads to help her DD, both financially and providing a huge amount of childcare). My friend tearfully told me one day “it’s because I worked” - and my questions were the same as many on here. Why isn’t she resentful of her father? Doesn’t she realise that that money paid for her to go to private school, live in a lovely house etc? But in the end, it probably isn’t rational…..and there’s not much you can do about it after the event. You made what you thought was the best decision for your family at the time. You only get one “go”, so your DD actually has no idea how life would’ve been otherwise, so she can’t just assume it would’ve been better. There’d have been downsides to that decision too - less money as the obvious one. You called it how you saw it at the time and with the information you had. And that’s all any of us can do. If your DD wants to make different decisions for her own family, that’s up to her. Don’t be eaten up by regret - it’s corrosive.

People are dismissing it because there is a lot about the OP that doesn't ring true.

Yes, there are no doubt awful childcare settings like the one that @LowlandLucky worked at, and I'm sure that there are awful abusive nannies, too. Some children may well be left with lasting damage as a result. Perhaps the OP did indeed employ an abusive nanny, and that's why she had doubts about her dd's wellbeing and quit her job etc. It's possible, though it seems somewhat unlikely as the OP said that the child always seemed happy and showed no apparent signs of trauma until her teenage years.

What is not believable is that the child has suddenly developed problems in her teenage years and somehow remembers being unable to tell her mother how traumatised she was because she didn't want to upset her. I don't think even the most advanced of 2yos have thought processes that work like that, let alone memories of those thought processes many years later. Sorry, but I just don't buy it.

This smacks of a wily teen having found a way of pressing her mum's buttons to get own advantage or of an OP with a clear agenda that isn't what it purports to be. If the OP doesn't come back soon, I'm going with the latter.