Grandparent asking for money for looking after my 9 month son

[Candyfloss11]

I have a 9 month old son and for the past year my mother has been living with me and my husband. She has helped us out a lot by looking after my son when both me and my husband are in a pinch. This has been great and much appreciated and at first i thought she was happy to help out because she expressed how much she wanted a grandchild before my son was born.

So we let her stay with us so she can spend more time with her grandchild. However she has recently said she now wants to be paid for looking after my son and is upset that we haven’t paid her at all. She did not indicate that she expected payment in the first place. Does this seem reasonable at all? Given that she is staying with us she has no expenses, she is divorced with no partner and is retired so it’s not like she has been missing out on any employment income anyway. We have also taken her to a few holidays with us as well.

If anything i’m more hurt that she feels this way, as my point of view us paying her feels like a transaction and not the fact that it’s her grandchild. I’m more than happy to pay for expenses that she might incur for looking after my son but in our case there isn't any because she lives with us. But if she wants payment then i might as well take my son to a nursery when im back at work.

[frazzledasarock]

Maybe suggest she return home now she’s had enough of her grandchild and you can sort out your childcare for when you go back to work.

After a while house guests become a burden, and I think maybe you all need a break from eachother.

[Onthedunes]

Are you not back at work then, at the moment you are sharing childcare duties?

[immersivereader]

She'll have to go home then

[VividImaginationAgain]

Yep, it sounds like it’s time for her to go home.

[ittakes2]

Have a look at what Aupairs the offer and how much they are paid and see if it’s comparable. Maybe she feels she would like some pocket money to spend as she wants. You will find paying her as an au pair is cheaper than childcare. Maybe this has come up because she is thinking she will be doing full time care when you return to work.

[Ellmau]

Is she here on a visa? It might not allow for her to provide childcare anyway.

[NeverDropYourMooncup]

Well, you could try and get somebody else to come and live with and look after your child for nothing more than a roof over their head and food - but then you'd potentially be falling foul of modern slavery laws.

Or you could just pay her and benefit from childcare from somebody who loves your child and is also available outside the hours of 7am-6pm.

[Onthedunes]

Yes she needs to return home, she can't be expected to look after a nine month old full time.

It's very hard work.

You going back to work is clearly worrying her.
She's your mom, she obviously been there whilst you were pregnant and gave birth, supported you and eased your journey into parenthood.

Be thankful for that, I never had a mother to help and would have loved that. But I would have never expected for her to look after a child full time.
If you wish her to remain, thats fine but not as a nanny.

[Wreath21]

I wonder if she actually wants to go home and asking for money is her way of signalling that the current arrangement isn't working for her - are you and your family generally disinclined to be direct about things?

[TurquoiseBaubles]

I wonder is she bringing this up now as she knows you are returning to work? An ad-hoc arrangement of her staying with you for free, and in return doing a bit of childminding for free is one thing, but it may have occurred to her that you might want her to do it full time for free.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

I agree that she probably needs to go back home now.
I'm amazed that you've coped so well with having her in your home so long already, or maybe more that your DH has coped.

She's not an au pair, she's not a registered or qualified nanny, and this is not her job - she's the baby's grandparent. I'm assuming she has no job in the other country? How does she finance herself? Is she maybe running out of savings or something?

[ThePlumVan]

Personally I think the whole arrangement has run it’s course. You need to put baby in nursery when mat leave ends and she needs to return home.
It will cost more financially in the long run, but maintaining healthy relationships are more important.

[Mamanyt]

I would be very tempted to say to her when she asks for the money for child care, "Certainly. Would you like that in cash, or should I apply it against the bill for your share of the living expenses?" That, however, might toss the fox into the hen house.

[converseandjeans]

So I reckon she's ok with a few hours and is worrying she will need to cover your working hours. She obviously isn't keen. I can see her point - she will be exhausted and tied down.

[Yaya26]

Does your mum do more than just help you out when you're "in a pinch"?
How often/ how many days a week/ how many hours does she have responsibility for your baby? Does she also cook/clean/do laundry etc. Does she buy food /groceries out of her money for the household? How much. How regularly? If she is more like a live in nanny/housekeeper then YABU.

[Ozanj]

@Mamanyt

I would be very tempted to say to her when she asks for the money for child care, "Certainly. Would you like that in cash, or should I apply it against the bill for your share of the living expenses?" That, however, might toss the fox into the hen house.

Do you know how much it costs to have live-in childcare (nanny) available from birth at all hours (night nurse) every day and without notice? Someone who probably cooks (chef) and cleans (cleaner / maid), helps run the household when the DP can’t (housekeeping) and does other bits around the house too (gardening? organising? shopping?) & probably offered a bit of ‘confinement service’ to the Mum while she was recuperating too? It’s probably in the region of 60-80K pa as a minimum. Her share of the rent would be a pittance in comparison.

[Onthedunes]

@Ozanj

I agree, au pairs usually stay rent free and are paid on top.

You will be taking advantage of your mother if she stays and you go back to work full time.

I think when your mother returns home you are going to find things more difficult, even if your child goes to nursery.
Having another pair of hands to pass baby to, or being able to nip out without baby with you are things you take for granted when you have company.

Good luck.
I think you will appreciate mom more once she's gone.

[Lockdownbear]

I think it's time for her to go home, or if she really wants to spend time with you then move to her own place in the UK.
Sounds like she's fed up.

[Monty27]

She needs to go home and you need nursery care (massively expensive in my experience) or an au pair.

[KloppsTeeth]

You need to check if she has a right to live in the UK, and if so, also has a right to work.
My MIL isn’t British. She can come and visit for up to 6 months but she must not do any paid work. I have seen enough Border Patrol tv shows to know that “helping out with childcare” and being paid for it is classed as work, and would be against visa conditions most of the time. You really need to check this, as if she breaches any rules she could get a ban from the country.

[5zeds]

I’d ask her if she has any money problems? If not then I’d just say paying her for childcare would just feel odd and uncomfortable as she’d be your employee, so you think it’s better if you make other arrangements.

[Graphista]

She's staying rent free? Not paying towards bills?

Then she's taking the piss!

As far as I understand it she needs to be Ofsted registered if she wants to be paid for regular childcare (as opposed to babysitting)

Not when the childcare occurs in the child's home

This is only relevant if you are claiming childcare costs from benefits.

Also not quite right, there are a number of rules and regs that apply

Sounds to me like she's got herself in financial strife of some kind, used the grandson to get a roof over her head and the finances are even worse now so she needs more money...

she is not cash strapped as far as i’m aware

• as far as you're aware! How would you know?

Certainly organise and pay for full time childcare prior to returning to work. She cannot be relied on, it's just going to be a more sensible plan.

[Bogeyes]

You should charge her for bed and board.

[TequilaStories]

I’m guessing she thought she would be having a fun holiday with the new grandchild but once she arrived found it was more like full time employment? Has she been able to go out and do things by herself or is she reliant on you and your DH to give her money? I’m not sure what country she is from but her currency may not go far at all in the UK. It’s possible she feels embarrassed about not having any $$ and doesn’t want to feel like she has to ask you for cash whenever she needs to buy something. It’s also possible she’s underestimated how hard it is to look after a baby/toddler and is worried you’ll be asking her to do it permanently when you go back to work.

Whatever scenario, as a parent you always need to have professional paid care organised because relying on family friends for free care when you’re working is a recipe for disaster. You don’t want to be getting phone calls at work or be scrambling for options last minute. Paid care means there’s always something you can rely on.

[nettie434]

Do you know how much it costs to have live-in childcare (nanny) available from birth at all hours (night nurse) every day and without notice?

In this instance, the OP described it as a 'few hours per week' so in mercenary terms, the cost of paid child care would be less than rent, utilities etc.

It does seem strange that it has cropped up now. Perhaps she is worried she will be asked to do it full time when you go back to work? Maybe things have changed at home that you don't know about?