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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Original poster

Grandparent asking for money for looking after my 9 month son

389 replies

Candyfloss11 · 04/01/2022 23:04

I have a 9 month old son and for the past year my mother has been living with me and my husband. She has helped us out a lot by looking after my son when both me and my husband are in a pinch. This has been great and much appreciated and at first i thought she was happy to help out because she expressed how much she wanted a grandchild before my son was born.

So we let her stay with us so she can spend more time with her grandchild. However she has recently said she now wants to be paid for looking after my son and is upset that we haven’t paid her at all. She did not indicate that she expected payment in the first place. Does this seem reasonable at all? Given that she is staying with us she has no expenses, she is divorced with no partner and is retired so it’s not like she has been missing out on any employment income anyway. We have also taken her to a few holidays with us as well.

If anything i’m more hurt that she feels this way, as my point of view us paying her feels like a transaction and not the fact that it’s her grandchild. I’m more than happy to pay for expenses that she might incur for looking after my son but in our case there isn't any because she lives with us. But if she wants payment then i might as well take my son to a nursery when im back at work.

OP posts:
Hawaiiinthemorning · 05/01/2022 04:29

@Bouncer500

I would pay her. It is hard looking after a 9 month old all day every day. I think it is odd that you don't. I paid my DM to look after my DC.
Was she also living off you?
Pearlpink · 05/01/2022 04:33

Time to send your mother home.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/01/2022 04:51

Kick her the fuck out of your home. The cheek of the greedy bitch is astounding.

Contactmap · 05/01/2022 04:55

@Aquamarine1029

Kick her the fuck out of your home. The cheek of the greedy bitch is astounding.
Yes. That would be a wonderful way to treat your mother.
Plowman · 05/01/2022 05:00

@Candyfloss11

Just to chime in, I encountered a similar difficulty with the MIL. She volunteered to spend time with us during and shortly after the birth, which she did, but within a couple of months was complaining about money. She did not ask for a wage but complained that she was using her own money to support the household, which may have been the case, but she was told to raid the kitty for sundry expenses (which she never did, I did not find out why). She also complained that she felt exploited even though all of us contributed to the running of the household. Unfortunately, she did not articulate these feelings until the point she snapped, and the whole experience left a bitter taste in the mouth.

I suspect your mother was more than happy to help you - albeit on her terms. This is understandable but not really realistic when there is a newborn in the house as your mother's needs are right down the pecking order - and she knows it. In the case of my MIL, I believe she missed being at home and the freedom that entailed, and instead of communicating her feelings she let her resentment fester up until the point she finally lashed out.

I strongly suggest, for the sake of good relations with your mother, you give her a big hug, thank her for her time, then ship her back home.

YourenutsmiLord · 05/01/2022 06:16

If she doesn't have friends, and a social life I would guess she is getting v bored and looking after baby is becoming more of a chore.

You need a chat - perhaps she could plan to head home in the spring. Point out she is living there free so you didn't expect to pay her.

I love visiting DGCs but wouldn't live with them.

Iwab82 · 05/01/2022 06:26

Sounds out of order for a few hours, but can she she might want to be paid if she became the full time carer when you are back at work. Does she think you want to use her instead of nursery?

ThirdElephant · 05/01/2022 06:33

Going against the grain somewhat, we have a similar set up with my MIL and pay her as a live-in nanny. The difference is that she does full time childcare Monday to Friday and ad-hoc childcare whenever, so it's an absolute steal. Live-in nannies are exempt from national minimum wage requirements. We don't pay her very much- less than the cost of one nursery place and we have two DC- but she does get a monthly wage.

To class her as a live-in nanny for employment purposes though, you do need to be able to allocate her her own bathroom (she can share one with the DC).

ThirdElephant · 05/01/2022 06:38

@ThirdElephant

Going against the grain somewhat, we have a similar set up with my MIL and pay her as a live-in nanny. The difference is that she does full time childcare Monday to Friday and ad-hoc childcare whenever, so it's an absolute steal. Live-in nannies are exempt from national minimum wage requirements. We don't pay her very much- less than the cost of one nursery place and we have two DC- but she does get a monthly wage.

To class her as a live-in nanny for employment purposes though, you do need to be able to allocate her her own bathroom (she can share one with the DC).

To add to this and clarify, to be exempt from national minimum wage they need to live as part of the family, sharing meals and living space etc, which of course MIL does.
maa32 · 05/01/2022 06:43

My mum charged me £49 a day for my unqualified, uninterested, jobless sister to mind my son. "She can't work, it's too much for her but she's skint and would be doing you a favour"

He went into full time nursery, I only asked them for help because they OFFERED.

Things turned out ok in the end and they visit DS regular but that almost destroyed everything

KiloWhat · 05/01/2022 06:44

Have a chat, see what she is happy to do. Maybe ask for a contribution towards the bills, although I'd be wary of treating her like a lodger as she might outstay her welcome and then it will be awkward.

Have you got your childcare sorted for once mat leave ends? You could always stop asking her to look after the baby now you're more settled into a routine?

HelloDulling · 05/01/2022 06:44

I would arrange the full time childcare ready for your return to work.

And suggest that she looks at moving back home fairly soon. It’s been so nice spending so much time with her, but soon the house will be empty for ten hours a day, Monday to Friday.

KiloWhat · 05/01/2022 06:45

@Aquamarine1029

Kick her the fuck out of your home. The cheek of the greedy bitch is astounding.
Um... that's a bit much
AdaColeman · 05/01/2022 06:45

Time to book her passage home I’d say. Keep things amicable, thank her for her help, and wave her off cheerfully.

gamerchick · 05/01/2022 06:54

Tell her you're glad she's brought up money as you and husband think it's time she started to pay you keep for her living costs. Say 500 quid a month.

You've given her an easy ride and she's now feeling entitled. Nip the fucker in the bud.

Brigante9 · 05/01/2022 07:06

Sort out childcare, send her home. Does your husband not desperately want his house back to himself? Don’t you?

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 05/01/2022 07:13

I live with my son and DiL in a granny annexe. I can only imagine the hilarity if I asked for payment for babysitting. DS would think I'd lost my marbles.

Lolamento · 05/01/2022 07:19

I struggled with childcare when my kids were small. I wish I had someone I could trust looking after them. Plus childcare was very expensive so I would try to work out something in your situation. I know of families who pay a member of the family to do this. She probably heard of arrangements like this and wants the same. Even for an aupair that lives and eats in the house there is pocket money as well. I think you could be a lot worse if she decides to go.

KiloWhat · 05/01/2022 07:21

If you're returning to work soon what was your plan for childcare then?

Potatodrivers · 05/01/2022 07:24

Its a bit shitty of her if you are genuinely only asking for a few hours per week considering she is staying there for free.

If you can, I would just tell her that you don't need her for childcare anymore. You will be applying for nursery since your maternity leave is over soon.

Ah..just thinking. Maybe she is aware your maternity leave is ending soon and under the impression that she will be expected to look after her grandchild full time. I can understand her point if that is how she is thinking as that would be a lot to take on. Even if she is living there for free.

RussianSpy101 · 05/01/2022 07:28

I would think this through. She’s probably bringing this up now knowing you’re returning to work.
Are you going back full time?
Of course if she is providing hours of childcare per week permanently, she would need a wage.

If you haven’t already got your son down for a nursery place, you’re going to struggle getting him in now. All the good nurseries round here have waiting lists. Lots of mums who know they’ll be returning to work register a baby when they’re first born.

iCouldSleepForAYear · 05/01/2022 07:29

When your mum says she wants to be paid, is she speaking about the going rate for a registered childminder? Or is she thinking more like money towards bus fare / petrol, cafe, baby group etc?

Is she babysitting while staying with you, or childminding?

DH's parents did all-day childminding for each of our DDs 1-2 times a week, for free, to help us reduce our childcare costs when I returned to work. Which was lovely of them and a huge help. But we paid for supplies like nappies. We would have paid for baby food (they got Ella's at grandma's house in the earlier months, easier for all of us...) or soft play admission if they'd have accepted it. When our girls started school, and PIL did school vacation childminding for us, we did insist on giving them some cash to offset their extra costs (still a fraction of what holiday camp would have cost us).

Is she feeling bored and hemmed in while looking after your infant? Maybe she thought looking after her grandchild would be different somehow and is now running into some practical obstacles? Best of luck with your conversation. It might be that she's just hoping to offset some costs so she can get out of the house with Baby. 🤷🏻‍♀️

spotcheck · 05/01/2022 07:32

Do you have childcare sorted for your return to work?

Whydidimarryhim · 05/01/2022 07:36

Just ask her for rent or bill contribution. Do you even want her living with you?
She’s a cheeky mare.
She offered - she can now change her mind and that’s ok but so can you in that she’s saving a couple of hundred pounds a month living for FREE.

rookiemere · 05/01/2022 07:38

I think she wants to be paid if she is doing full time childcare. That's not unreasonable at all, and I suspect she has talked to someone who said she deserved to be paid for the time she has done already - which I don't think she does.
I'd make new arrangements for when you go back to work.Thank your DM for all her help and listen to what she says when discussing renumeration for existing help, but stress that they are two different things.

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