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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

Grandparent asking for money for looking after my 9 month son

389 replies

Candyfloss11 · 04/01/2022 23:04

I have a 9 month old son and for the past year my mother has been living with me and my husband. She has helped us out a lot by looking after my son when both me and my husband are in a pinch. This has been great and much appreciated and at first i thought she was happy to help out because she expressed how much she wanted a grandchild before my son was born.

So we let her stay with us so she can spend more time with her grandchild. However she has recently said she now wants to be paid for looking after my son and is upset that we haven’t paid her at all. She did not indicate that she expected payment in the first place. Does this seem reasonable at all? Given that she is staying with us she has no expenses, she is divorced with no partner and is retired so it’s not like she has been missing out on any employment income anyway. We have also taken her to a few holidays with us as well.

If anything i’m more hurt that she feels this way, as my point of view us paying her feels like a transaction and not the fact that it’s her grandchild. I’m more than happy to pay for expenses that she might incur for looking after my son but in our case there isn't any because she lives with us. But if she wants payment then i might as well take my son to a nursery when im back at work.

OP posts:

Zonder · 04/01/2022 23:25

Firstly point out that as soon as she is Ofsted registered you will pay her.

Secondly tell her that as the amount you would owe her for childcare is less than the rent and living costs she owes you, you will prepare a bill for her.

Then look for a nursery and give her some housing ads.

Ozanj · 04/01/2022 23:27

@rattlemehearties

As far as I understand it she needs to be Ofsted registered if she wants to be paid for regular childcare (as opposed to babysitting)

You only need to be ofsted registered if you want to take on clients who are on benefits or would like to use other forms of support (maybe from an employer). Most nannies, especially those for wealthier families, are in fact not ofsted registered.

HeddaGarbled · 04/01/2022 23:36

I expect she’s on her knees with exhaustion. She’s not ‘helping out’. She’s doing full time childcare for a baby. This is hard enough when you’re young, doubly hard when you’re retirement age.

Don’t get hung up on the money - think about what your mum needs to be happy and healthy, starting with reduced childcare duties and an independent income to spend on herself, perhaps an independent home and life which isn’t so subsumed into yours.

Original poster

Candyfloss11 · 04/01/2022 23:36

Just answering some of the questions here, no she does not contribute to any household expenses or the holidays. Reason is because we saw her as family but looks like she sadly doesnt feel like that.

I agree we have taken her for granted for the many times she’s helped us but she never really complained about it and we were always under the impression she just wanted to spend more time with me and her grandchild. Feels like she bottled it all up until now

Finally she is living with us because she has no where else to stay in the country. She has her own home in another country but she decided to come stay with us to help us out as she really wanted a grandchild - these were her own words.

My plan is to hopefully have an open sit down convo with her soon

OP posts:

NameChange74567 · 04/01/2022 23:46

@Bouncer500

I would pay her. It is hard looking after a 9 month old all day every day. I think it is odd that you don't. I paid my DM to look after my DC.

Why should the OP pay her? She is living in OPs house rent free and doesn't contribute towards food or any other bills

ThePlantsitter · 04/01/2022 23:47

I agree with @HeddaGarbled. It's not really about the money is it, it's about how each of you is feeling about the arrangement. Clearly both of you feel a bit taken advantage of (either that or your mum has money trouble she hasn't told you about). Time for some very clear communication about how you feel and what you all need to move on happily and maintain the relationship. It won't necessarily be easy but try not to be too defensive about it all.

Wreath21 · 04/01/2022 23:51

Agree with PP that you need to sit down and discuss it sensibly/calmly. You mention that she has a house in another country - is she paying rent or a mortgage on this house, and is there anyone living there at the moment? Have either you or your mother discussed how long you expect the current arrangement to last? Has there been any suggestion that she sells/gives up her own house and moves in with you permanently?

Chloemol · 04/01/2022 23:54

I would sit her down and say she has two choices

Stay with you for free and do the babysitting in return
Start to pay rent and a portion of the bills, you pay her as am employer and all that entails
She returns to her country, gets in with her life there and visits when she can

Personally it would be 1 or 3 for me

mjf981 · 04/01/2022 23:57

She is being very grabby. I'd have one go at a conversation laying out how much it would cost for her to live if she is renting, buying her own food etc, so she can then see how much of a 'deal' she is getting. If she doesn't back down, I'd send her back home and pay for your own child care.

GrazingSheep · 04/01/2022 23:57

How many hours childcare is she doing?

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/01/2022 23:57

Boundaries time.

She's either family or not. Free rent and everything and free childcare OR everything is a transaction.

Personally I'd go for she moves out and you see her as a grandparent rather than a housemate but that's me.

saraclara · 04/01/2022 23:57

How much childcare is she doing?

Inertia · 04/01/2022 23:59

The current set up can't work if your mother expects to be paid.

The extra cost of housing and feeding her is offset by the childcare she provides, saving you paying professionals.

If you're going to pay for childcare, you can't then afford to house and feed additional adults on a long-term basis. You might even need the bedroom back to get income from a lodger.

grapewine · 05/01/2022 00:00

Depends on how many hours you expect her to look after him.

converseandjeans · 05/01/2022 00:02

It would be better to send baby to nursery & then charge your Mum rent. I think she's expecting a lot to housed, fed and taken on holidays for free.

I think she would need to pay around £100/week to cover all that?

How much is she helping? Are you back in work?

Bagamoyo1 · 05/01/2022 00:04

@HeddaGarbled

Where did you get the bit about full time childcare? OP mentions “when she goes back to work”, implying she’s still on maternity leave. Grandma is only helping when they’re “in a pinch”, not full time. And she’s living rent free with no bills!

TheHoptimist · 05/01/2022 00:04

Does she have the right to work in the UK?

Original poster

Candyfloss11 · 05/01/2022 00:04

No mortgage on her property, and she is not cash strapped as far as i’m aware. No expectation for her to sell up or move in permanently. My husband won’t want her to stay perm. She came to me
out of her own free will and I accepted. There is certainly no expectation that she has to stay indefinitely, we’re not a prison, she is free to do whatever she wants and i hope by having a sensible convo we can clear this up!

OP posts:

KaptainKaveman · 05/01/2022 00:05

How much childcare does she actually do?. If it's full time so you and dh can work then that's far too much. If it's a few hours per week then that's different.

NowEvenBetter · 05/01/2022 00:08

….so what’s the thread for?

saraclara · 05/01/2022 00:09

If she's not to stay permanently, then you'd be wise to get a nursery place for your DC as soon as you can. Once she starts looking after him regularly, it will be much harder to ask her to leave.

You going back to work is a natural point at which you might suggest she goes back.

Original poster

Candyfloss11 · 05/01/2022 00:15

@Wreath21

No mortgage on her property, and she is not cash strapped as far as i’m aware. No expectation for her to sell up or move in permanently. My husband won’t want her to stay perm. She came to me out of her own free will and I accepted. There is certainly no expectation that she has to stay indefinitely, we’re not a prison, she is free to do whatever she wants and i hope by having a sensible convo we can clear this up!

OP posts:

ClaraThree · 05/01/2022 00:16

Maybe work out what you would be paying a live in nanny.
Must be at least minimum wage per hour.
So over 23 years that’s £8.51 increases to £9.50 in April. But nannies are paid more than minimum wage look at rates for your area for live in nannies.
You can only offset £58 per week for accommodation.
Work that out and see if maybe your mum has a point ? Have you been expecting too many hours?

Original poster

Candyfloss11 · 05/01/2022 00:21

@KaptainKaveman

How much childcare does she actually do?. If it's full time so you and dh can work then that's far too much. If it's a few hours per week then that's different.

A few hours a week but it was never demanded from her due to me being on mat leave so i had the time. I genuinely thought she wanted to just spend time with us but perhaps i was wrong.

I’m on mat leave at the moment but will be returning to work very soon. So will be needing full time childcare then.

OP posts:

PlanktonsComputerWife · 05/01/2022 00:24

It's all a bit odd.

I am trying to imagine my husband's face if I told him my mum was moving in indefinitely just because.

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