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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Original poster

Grandparent asking for money for looking after my 9 month son

389 replies

Candyfloss11 · 04/01/2022 23:04

I have a 9 month old son and for the past year my mother has been living with me and my husband. She has helped us out a lot by looking after my son when both me and my husband are in a pinch. This has been great and much appreciated and at first i thought she was happy to help out because she expressed how much she wanted a grandchild before my son was born.

So we let her stay with us so she can spend more time with her grandchild. However she has recently said she now wants to be paid for looking after my son and is upset that we haven’t paid her at all. She did not indicate that she expected payment in the first place. Does this seem reasonable at all? Given that she is staying with us she has no expenses, she is divorced with no partner and is retired so it’s not like she has been missing out on any employment income anyway. We have also taken her to a few holidays with us as well.

If anything i’m more hurt that she feels this way, as my point of view us paying her feels like a transaction and not the fact that it’s her grandchild. I’m more than happy to pay for expenses that she might incur for looking after my son but in our case there isn't any because she lives with us. But if she wants payment then i might as well take my son to a nursery when im back at work.

OP posts:
Doris86 · 05/01/2022 07:39

Tell her you’ll be happy to pay her, just as soon as she starts paying you rent.

Pugroll · 05/01/2022 07:43

There's 2 separate things here really, her staying with you and her looking after your child. If her staying isn't working for you as you have realised she isn't content to look after him for free anymore then ask her to go home.

she has helped us out a lot by looking after my son when both me and my husband are in a pinch. This has been great and much appreciated and at first i thought she was happy to help out because she expressed how much she wanted a grandchild before my son was born.

She can have wanted a grandchild and deeply love him without wanting to be squeezed for free childcare at your demand, the 2 aren't necessarily correlated. Get some proper childcare sorted for when you go back to work and she can perhaps develop a grandparent relationship which is much more than childcare.

Laiste · 05/01/2022 07:56

I’m on mat leave at the moment but will be returning to work very soon. So will be needing full time childcare then.

Perhaps raising the issue of payment is to do with thinking you are expecting her to do full time care when you go back to work? I can't see anyone managing to come to a satisfactory arrangement re: child care in payment for living free in that case.

I agree it's time for her to return to her own home.

RenGreen · 05/01/2022 07:58

What’s a ‘pinch’?

Laiste · 05/01/2022 08:02

I cannot imagine living in one of my daughter and their husband's houses scot free for months and then talking about them paying me a wage for anything at all!!

If i didn't like arrangements i would thank them for their hospitality and simply move back to my own home in a dignified fashion.

StrangerThanSpring · 05/01/2022 08:03

I also wondered if she was raising this now as she was worried she might become the full time childcare when you go back to work because that would be way too much to expect.

Also, when my kids started nursery, they picked up every bug going and were off a lot.

Do you have a back-to-work childcare plan?

Laiste · 05/01/2022 08:05

Being in a bit of a Pinch is being in a slightly awkward or tricky situation where you need a bit of help. Not an emergency but needs sorting.

username1293948 · 05/01/2022 08:11

Just because you let her stay with you doesn’t mean you are entitled to have her do what you want. I do agree that it will be better off sending him to a nursery though.

ShesComeUndone · 05/01/2022 08:14

My Gran lived with us and was paid to look after us when we were little. Otherwise she would have had no income at all and even if you are living with someone else you still need money for clothes, makeup, toiletries etc. If she hadn’t been looking after us she could have got a job so my parents paid her - opportunity cost! That makes sense to me. I still felt like the most loved grandchild in the world!

GrandmasCat · 05/01/2022 08:14

Charging for random babysitting would be unreasonable.

Expecting payment for taking care of a baby full time while you work is perfectly reasonable.

I would pay her, I couldn’t pay the full nanny amount but at least, I’ll try to pay her au pair rates, which would be a bit unreasonable of me as au pairs are not expected to be in sole charge of a baby for such long hours.

Now, if she is under a 6 months tourist visa, all this discussion is unnecessary as she might need to go home anyway, unless you find a way to sponsor her for a visa. as a care provider but if you do, you will need to pay her otherwise it may be classed as slavery.

HashtagShitShop · 05/01/2022 08:20

Yanbu. I look after my nephew and niece who love 90 mins away whenever needed. All I ask for (as I'm on a low income as a carer ) is that they cover my train fare when I'm needed as it can mount up if its a few times a week as I can't stay over as I have to relieve my cousin from taking over my role at home.

Tomlettegregg · 05/01/2022 08:20

There's a huge difference to a few hours a week and a full time gig. What was your plan when you went back to work had she not asked now to be paid? Have you already spoken to nurseries and planned for the fees?

Needdoughnuts · 05/01/2022 08:22

So reading the end of your opening post you DID expect your mum to look after your child for free (full-time?) when you returned to work! This is a completely different arrangement to what you have now and you should appreciate that your mum is raising it now and it has nothing to do with free bed and board.
As for posters saying 'just kick her out' and 'cheeky bitch', what horrible relationships you must have in your life.

MrsSkylerWhite · 05/01/2022 08:26

How much childcare does she actually provide?

C8H10N4O2 · 05/01/2022 08:30

I’m on mat leave at the moment but will be returning to work very soon. So will be needing full time childcare then

So is that what she has in mind? Working as your full time childcare when you go back?

If so she will need to be registered but won't she also need a work visa and the relevant sponsorship or does she hold UK citizenship but normally reside abroad?

Bluntness100 · 05/01/2022 08:35

I’m also wondering if this is a full time thing. She’s come to stay to help you out for a period, she’s not moved in permanently, which is what your initial post reads like and it seems you’re intending on using her full time when you go back to work, which is likely a lot more helping out than she anticipated.

A580Hojas · 05/01/2022 08:35

@KloppsTeeth

You need to check if she has a right to live in the UK, and if so, also has a right to work. My MIL isn’t British. She can come and visit for up to 6 months but she must not do any paid work. I have seen enough Border Patrol tv shows to know that “helping out with childcare” and being paid for it is classed as work, and would be against visa conditions most of the time. You really need to check this, as if she breaches any rules she could get a ban from the country.
This is the most relevant point on the thread. And if you haven't found a nursery for when you return to work you'd better start looking now!
zafferana · 05/01/2022 08:38

I think if she's got to the point where she's wanting payment when she lives with you for free, it's time for her to go home!

Fundays12 · 05/01/2022 08:42

Very odd behaviour given she chose to come live with you. However I am wondering how many hours a few hours a week is? I know people who think grandparents having kids overnight and everyday for a few hours is a "few hours a week". The reality is the child spends more time with the grandparents than the parents and the grandparents become restenful as they are tired and burnt out while the child's parents are out having fun. If this isn't the case maybe have a serious conversation with your mum. Does she want to go back to her own country? Is she in financial problems? It sounds like something has triggered this demand and it's important to find out what is at the root of it. Good luck op

TueWed · 05/01/2022 08:43

A few hours a week but it was never demanded from her due to me being on mat leave so i had the time

So when are you back to work? Are you there already?

The average Live In Nanny salary in the UK is £28223 annually, ranging from £20800 to £44500

Obviously she's not a professional nanny, but if you're going back full time, and you expect her to watch your baby full time you need to pay her.

IncompleteSenten · 05/01/2022 08:49

Put your child in nursery and ask her when she plans to move back home.

millymae · 05/01/2022 08:52

Surely it would be best for everyone if OP arranged a nursery place and mum went home. Where I live nursery places have to be booked well in advance of being needed so mum may well still end up having to stay for awhile, so it wouldn’t be unreasonable to offer money to cover this.
OP has made it quite clear that her OH wouldn’t want mum to live with them permanently and it seems that mum is not prepared to stay anyway unless she is being paid, so an arrangement which seemed to suit everyone up until now has obviously run its natural course and needs to be brought to an end.

Qwertykeys · 05/01/2022 08:54

I would use a nursery, then inform her due to childcare costs she needs to pay rent or live independently

TheBestofTimesTheWorstofTimes · 05/01/2022 08:55

You say both that she has been with you a year and that your husband doesn't want her there permanently.

Think he has a bit of a shock coming...gran isnt going anywhere anytime soon...

MarineBlue33 · 05/01/2022 08:56

I think your Mum must have talked to someone who has told her she should he paid. Ask her why she is expecting payment all of a sudden.
Certainly in non Western cultures, where there are several generations under one roof, a grandparent will look after grandchildren, " in exchange", they are looked after too but staying for free in their child's house.
Very unusual that she has asked for payment but not sure what is the norm in your culture.

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