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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Grandparent asking for money for looking after my 9 month son

389 replies

Candyfloss11 · 04/01/2022 23:04

I have a 9 month old son and for the past year my mother has been living with me and my husband. She has helped us out a lot by looking after my son when both me and my husband are in a pinch. This has been great and much appreciated and at first i thought she was happy to help out because she expressed how much she wanted a grandchild before my son was born.

So we let her stay with us so she can spend more time with her grandchild. However she has recently said she now wants to be paid for looking after my son and is upset that we haven’t paid her at all. She did not indicate that she expected payment in the first place. Does this seem reasonable at all? Given that she is staying with us she has no expenses, she is divorced with no partner and is retired so it’s not like she has been missing out on any employment income anyway. We have also taken her to a few holidays with us as well.

If anything i’m more hurt that she feels this way, as my point of view us paying her feels like a transaction and not the fact that it’s her grandchild. I’m more than happy to pay for expenses that she might incur for looking after my son but in our case there isn't any because she lives with us. But if she wants payment then i might as well take my son to a nursery when im back at work.

OP posts:
LovesDaBeach · 12/01/2022 18:21

She didn't say granny was penniless. She is retired which usually means she gets at least a small sum from that and possibly spousal support. But even with only a small government payment that is still money she has which she can spend on herself.

AnotherForumUser · 12/01/2022 20:39

@LovesDaBeach

She didn't say granny was penniless. She is retired which usually means she gets at least a small sum from that and possibly spousal support. But even with only a small government payment that is still money she has which she can spend on herself.
Unlikely as the OP's second post tells us her mother is from another country Finally she is living with us because she has no where else to stay in the country. She has her own home in another country... I can't see this government giving her a payment can you?
jannier · 12/01/2022 20:41

@LovesDaBeach

She didn't say granny was penniless. She is retired which usually means she gets at least a small sum from that and possibly spousal support. But even with only a small government payment that is still money she has which she can spend on herself.
Not if its all going to keep her home abroad she will still have bills to pay..and pension I'm a foreign currency may well be peanuts here.

Would you work 30 to 40 hours for a room and food?

Clarissa76 · 13/01/2022 18:57

Would you work 30 to 40 hours for a room and food?

Where have you got 30-40 hours from? OP said "a few hours".

AnotherForumUser · 13/01/2022 19:19

@Clarissa76

Would you work 30 to 40 hours for a room and food?

Where have you got 30-40 hours from? OP said "a few hours".

Well the OP's first post concluded with this But if she wants payment then i might as well take my son to a nursery when im back at work. That indicates that she was planning on dumping her child on her mum so she could avoid paying nursery fees. And if her mum could see this it's no fucking surprise she suggested payment
jannier · 13/01/2022 20:05

@Clarissa76

Would you work 30 to 40 hours for a room and food?

Where have you got 30-40 hours from? OP said "a few hours".

Op said she's going to work full time and if mum wants paying she might as well use a nursery......how do you take that statement?
Onthedunes · 13/01/2022 21:35

Of course she meant looking after her child whilst she went back to work.

Utterly absorbed in her own life, wants and needs.

God these daughters that think a granchild should be the number one priority of a grandparent. Can you imagne, my child had a child and so I should totally forgo any sort of life 24/7 so long as I have a little room and some food everyday I need nothing more.

There are too many daughters on this thread who are selfish and don't recognise it.

And yes I have provided free childcare for grandchildren, of course but honestly a single woman, in another country, lack of funds and totally on hand to be a dogs body, no thank you.

Sounds awful, I'd be on the next plane out of there, but the grandmother is probably going to be worried about the grandchild as her own child sounds very immature and may find looking after her own kid a bit of a shock when nanny goes home.

Silvers11 · 12/02/2022 16:09

Well, this is my take@Candyfloss11.

You had an arrangement which has worked well for around a year - certainly from your point of view, and probably for your Mother for most of that year. You have stated that perhaps you have taken her a bit for granted so perhaps the 'assumption' she will watch your son has become more pronounced in recent months (easy to do, no-one at fault here) and perhaps it may have been not working for her as much as for you more recently. I can't say that for certain of course, but it is a possibility

What is clear to me, at least, is that things have changed because you are NOW wanting her to watch your son for fixed hours when you go back to work. That is a huge change of circumstances on your current arrangements

I'm sure she has enjoyed being able to see her Grandson and spend time getting to know him and love him and I'm also sure she has enjoyed being able to spend time with you as well, while you were on Maternity Leave. Being asked to babysit when you were 'in a pinch' was almost certainly not a problem for her, especially if she was able to say 'no' occasionally if she had other things arranged.

As someone who was a single parent with 2 kids and who is now a Grandmother to 4 boys of varying ages, I speak from experience when I say that committing to watch a grandchild while their parents work, is VERY hard work. You no longer have the flexibility to do what you want to do when you do it. You are tied to your agreement to watch the child/children if you don't want to let its parents down. It is also much more difficult to have the energy, even if you have the health still, to watch children - especially very young ones, which your son is. For many Grandparents, due to age and health it would be too much for them to do without making themselves ill. There is a reason why Mother Nature decreed that there is a cut off age after which we can't have children. So IF your Mother took this on, it would now become a great sacrifice for her - instead of the more relaxed time you have been spending with her over the past Year.

Things are now about to change drastically for you all. If I were you, I would firstly tell my Mother that I have thought about it, realised it wouldn't be fair to have her watching your son all the time you are at work and you have decided you will put him into day care.

Once you have done that - but in a SEPARATE conversion, later, you should have a heart to heart with her about what her plans are about returning home etc. Perhaps once you have actually returned to work would be the best time? If you can't afford to have her staying with you for free, if you are paying out for daycare, you could suggest that a contribution to the household expenses would be appreciated. But do not make it sound like a 'threat' or a way of getting back at her because she won't watch your son for free. On the other hand, if you CAN afford it, well maybe she can start doing some chores for you while you are out as payment in kind? Cooking the Dinner, the laundry, ironing etc? You NEED to have a heart to heart with her about the whole situation

Regardless of how much financially you are currently supporting your Mother it is not reasonable, in my opinion, to just expect her to watch your son once you return to work without payment - for the reasons I said above. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you or your Grandchild just because she asked. You are being very thoughtless, I'm sorry.

Only you know your Mother, so you are best placed as to how to have the conversations, but that's my advice.

Misty333 · 28/02/2022 14:06

Hi it could be she needs the money, if she’s not working is she relying on her savings,which won’t last forever. Have a chat with her, maybe just the two of you. Go for a coffee on neutral ground. Good luck

ellyeth · 01/03/2022 16:12

Perhaps she thinks that when you return to work she will be expected to take on full-time child care duties. I don't think that is your plan but I can see that that might be quite daunting for her.

It's an awkward situation really because her home is not in this country. Had there been any discussions as to how long she would be staying? If you don't want her to be a permanent resident then presumably at some stage she will be going home?

I do think that if your mother is doing several hours a week there should be some sort of payment - not the going rate but something to acknowledge her contribution. Nursery fees are very expensive.

Isaidno22 · 16/03/2022 05:57

@Toomanypeople

you assumed she was happy to do it for free in return for room and board. Now you know this isn't the case she will of course want to pay rent and you will in turn pay her for the childcare
This would be the best response. Grin Also, any one who childcare’s over 2 hours and is paid needs to be OFSTED registered.
Nonnymum · 19/03/2022 18:19

I look after my grandchildren regularly and wouldn't dream of asking for payment or even expenses for taking them out. I love that I can afford it and that it allows me to really get to know them.
It seems odd that your mother has asked to be paid now especially as she lives with you presumably rent free. Does she have financial concerns. Have you spoken to her about it? How much is she expecting to be paid? The same as a nanny or childminder or just a token amount?

Nonnymum · 19/03/2022 18:22

This would be the best response. grin Also, any one who childcare’s over 2 hours and is paid needs to be OFSTED registered.
I am pretty sure this does not apply to family carers.

jannier · 19/03/2022 20:07

@Nonnymum

I look after my grandchildren regularly and wouldn't dream of asking for payment or even expenses for taking them out. I love that I can afford it and that it allows me to really get to know them. It seems odd that your mother has asked to be paid now especially as she lives with you presumably rent free. Does she have financial concerns. Have you spoken to her about it? How much is she expecting to be paid? The same as a nanny or childminder or just a token amount?
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