Grandparent asking for money for looking after my 9 month son

[Candyfloss11]

I have a 9 month old son and for the past year my mother has been living with me and my husband. She has helped us out a lot by looking after my son when both me and my husband are in a pinch. This has been great and much appreciated and at first i thought she was happy to help out because she expressed how much she wanted a grandchild before my son was born.

So we let her stay with us so she can spend more time with her grandchild. However she has recently said she now wants to be paid for looking after my son and is upset that we haven’t paid her at all. She did not indicate that she expected payment in the first place. Does this seem reasonable at all? Given that she is staying with us she has no expenses, she is divorced with no partner and is retired so it’s not like she has been missing out on any employment income anyway. We have also taken her to a few holidays with us as well.

If anything i’m more hurt that she feels this way, as my point of view us paying her feels like a transaction and not the fact that it’s her grandchild. I’m more than happy to pay for expenses that she might incur for looking after my son but in our case there isn't any because she lives with us. But if she wants payment then i might as well take my son to a nursery when im back at work.

[jannier]

@Nonnymum

I look after my grandchildren regularly and wouldn't dream of asking for payment or even expenses for taking them out. I love that I can afford it and that it allows me to really get to know them.
It seems odd that your mother has asked to be paid now especially as she lives with you presumably rent free. Does she have financial concerns. Have you spoken to her about it? How much is she expecting to be paid? The same as a nanny or childminder or just a token amount?

Have you read the thread?

[Nonnymum]

This would be the best response. grin Also, any one who childcare’s over 2 hours and is paid needs to be OFSTED registered.
I am pretty sure this does not apply to family carers.

[Nonnymum]

I look after my grandchildren regularly and wouldn't dream of asking for payment or even expenses for taking them out. I love that I can afford it and that it allows me to really get to know them.
It seems odd that your mother has asked to be paid now especially as she lives with you presumably rent free. Does she have financial concerns. Have you spoken to her about it? How much is she expecting to be paid? The same as a nanny or childminder or just a token amount?

[Isaidno22]

@Toomanypeople

you assumed she was happy to do it for free in return for room and board. Now you know this isn't the case she will of course want to pay rent and you will in turn pay her for the childcare

This would be the best response. Also, any one who childcare’s over 2 hours and is paid needs to be OFSTED registered.

[ellyeth]

Perhaps she thinks that when you return to work she will be expected to take on full-time child care duties. I don't think that is your plan but I can see that that might be quite daunting for her.

It's an awkward situation really because her home is not in this country. Had there been any discussions as to how long she would be staying? If you don't want her to be a permanent resident then presumably at some stage she will be going home?

I do think that if your mother is doing several hours a week there should be some sort of payment - not the going rate but something to acknowledge her contribution. Nursery fees are very expensive.

[Misty333]

Hi it could be she needs the money, if she’s not working is she relying on her savings,which won’t last forever. Have a chat with her, maybe just the two of you. Go for a coffee on neutral ground. Good luck

[Silvers11]

Well, this is my take@Candyfloss11.

You had an arrangement which has worked well for around a year - certainly from your point of view, and probably for your Mother for most of that year. You have stated that perhaps you have taken her a bit for granted so perhaps the 'assumption' she will watch your son has become more pronounced in recent months (easy to do, no-one at fault here) and perhaps it may have been not working for her as much as for you more recently. I can't say that for certain of course, but it is a possibility

What is clear to me, at least, is that things have changed because you are NOW wanting her to watch your son for fixed hours when you go back to work. That is a huge change of circumstances on your current arrangements

I'm sure she has enjoyed being able to see her Grandson and spend time getting to know him and love him and I'm also sure she has enjoyed being able to spend time with you as well, while you were on Maternity Leave. Being asked to babysit when you were 'in a pinch' was almost certainly not a problem for her, especially if she was able to say 'no' occasionally if she had other things arranged.

As someone who was a single parent with 2 kids and who is now a Grandmother to 4 boys of varying ages, I speak from experience when I say that committing to watch a grandchild while their parents work, is VERY hard work. You no longer have the flexibility to do what you want to do when you do it. You are tied to your agreement to watch the child/children if you don't want to let its parents down. It is also much more difficult to have the energy, even if you have the health still, to watch children - especially very young ones, which your son is. For many Grandparents, due to age and health it would be too much for them to do without making themselves ill. There is a reason why Mother Nature decreed that there is a cut off age after which we can't have children. So IF your Mother took this on, it would now become a great sacrifice for her - instead of the more relaxed time you have been spending with her over the past Year.

Things are now about to change drastically for you all. If I were you, I would firstly tell my Mother that I have thought about it, realised it wouldn't be fair to have her watching your son all the time you are at work and you have decided you will put him into day care.

Once you have done that - but in a SEPARATE conversion, later, you should have a heart to heart with her about what her plans are about returning home etc. Perhaps once you have actually returned to work would be the best time? If you can't afford to have her staying with you for free, if you are paying out for daycare, you could suggest that a contribution to the household expenses would be appreciated. But do not make it sound like a 'threat' or a way of getting back at her because she won't watch your son for free. On the other hand, if you CAN afford it, well maybe she can start doing some chores for you while you are out as payment in kind? Cooking the Dinner, the laundry, ironing etc? You NEED to have a heart to heart with her about the whole situation

Regardless of how much financially you are currently supporting your Mother it is not reasonable, in my opinion, to just expect her to watch your son once you return to work without payment - for the reasons I said above. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you or your Grandchild just because she asked. You are being very thoughtless, I'm sorry.

Only you know your Mother, so you are best placed as to how to have the conversations, but that's my advice.

[Onthedunes]

Of course she meant looking after her child whilst she went back to work.

Utterly absorbed in her own life, wants and needs.

God these daughters that think a granchild should be the number one priority of a grandparent. Can you imagne, my child had a child and so I should totally forgo any sort of life 24/7 so long as I have a little room and some food everyday I need nothing more.

There are too many daughters on this thread who are selfish and don't recognise it.

And yes I have provided free childcare for grandchildren, of course but honestly a single woman, in another country, lack of funds and totally on hand to be a dogs body, no thank you.

Sounds awful, I'd be on the next plane out of there, but the grandmother is probably going to be worried about the grandchild as her own child sounds very immature and may find looking after her own kid a bit of a shock when nanny goes home.

[jannier]

@Clarissa76

Would you work 30 to 40 hours for a room and food?

Where have you got 30-40 hours from? OP said "a few hours".

Op said she's going to work full time and if mum wants paying she might as well use a nursery......how do you take that statement?

[AnotherForumUser]

@Clarissa76

Would you work 30 to 40 hours for a room and food?

Where have you got 30-40 hours from? OP said "a few hours".

Well the OP's first post concluded with this But if she wants payment then i might as well take my son to a nursery when im back at work. That indicates that she was planning on dumping her child on her mum so she could avoid paying nursery fees. And if her mum could see this it's no fucking surprise she suggested payment

[Clarissa76]

Would you work 30 to 40 hours for a room and food?

Where have you got 30-40 hours from? OP said "a few hours".

[jannier]

@LovesDaBeach

She didn't say granny was penniless. She is retired which usually means she gets at least a small sum from that and possibly spousal support. But even with only a small government payment that is still money she has which she can spend on herself.

Not if its all going to keep her home abroad she will still have bills to pay..and pension I'm a foreign currency may well be peanuts here.

Would you work 30 to 40 hours for a room and food?

[AnotherForumUser]

@LovesDaBeach

She didn't say granny was penniless. She is retired which usually means she gets at least a small sum from that and possibly spousal support. But even with only a small government payment that is still money she has which she can spend on herself.

Unlikely as the OP's second post tells us her mother is from another country Finally she is living with us because she has no where else to stay in the country. She has her own home in another country... I can't see this government giving her a payment can you?

[LovesDaBeach]

She didn't say granny was penniless. She is retired which usually means she gets at least a small sum from that and possibly spousal support. But even with only a small government payment that is still money she has which she can spend on herself.

[billy1966]

Yes, I think indeed the OP sounds as if she was expecting free childcare.

A huge expectation from her mother.

It is extraordinary how many children expect this from grandparents, for free, while happily ignoring what a huge burden it can be.

It has always struck me as extremely selfish and self serving.

Childminding is a tough job and certainly not something to just expect your parents to want to do fulltime, just because they are grandparents.

Complete CF territory to expect your parents to be "thrilled" with the opportunity to spend their latter years minding their grandchildren fulltime.

Some might.
For most, it strikes me as a massive imposition.

[jannier]

I did wonder why someone on maternity leave with a partner would get in a pinch with childcare so often and how that leads to taking granny for granted. Time off for mummy, shopping days, spa days ....gran over to help out in early days dosent generally lead to taking granny for granted

[AnotherForumUser]

I agree with @jannier

Who the hell thinks someone should be grateful for room and board in return for what will be full time childcare? The OP was clearly assuming her mum would do full time care with the petulant final sentence But if she wants payment then i might as well take my son to a nursery when im back at work. I wonder just how much childcare her poor mum had to do on "holiday".

It's one thing to be supportive of an OP but the spiteful advice from some posters makes me wonder just how badly they treat others in real life.

If it were a nanny or au-pair they were treating that way they'd be charged with modern day slavery.

I bet they don't expect a SAHP to accept food and board as a total and equitable return for full time childcare with no access to funds. They'd screech about financial abuse. Many would list the professional fees of nurse, tutor, chef, chauffeur etc.

When it comes to a grandparent doing the same stuff they should be grateful for bed and board. Fucking double standards. What makes a grandparent 's time and work less fucking valuable?

[jannier]

@LovesDaBeach

I agree with the others who have said to ask her to move out. Tell her since she wants payment she should be registered. When you go on vacation trips don't bring her as it would just be an added burden. If you can't take your baby on the trips see if someone on HIS side of the family can babysit or a trusted friend. Seriously if I was providing free room and board to someone and they wanted payment as well? Then when his first birthday rolls around ask your husband's family if they would allow you to have the celebration at their place and don't invite her. The thing I wonder about is does she have any money of her own coming in? I mean if she has NOTHING then maybe a small token of appreciation. How was she getting by before she moved in?

Have you read about modern day slavery? Get someone in your house under false pretences dont pay them put them to work etc they can't leave they have no money. Yes shes been on holidays with them....how many in cov8d I wonder...probably to do the childcare.....now they want her to do full time childcare unpaid in exchange for food and board.....if you have an aupair you give them food and board and PAY THEM. if you have a live in nanny you give them food and board and PAY. if you have family why should you bring them from abroad make them do 30 hours childcare and only food and board?

[LovesDaBeach]

I agree with the others who have said to ask her to move out. Tell her since she wants payment she should be registered. When you go on vacation trips don't bring her as it would just be an added burden. If you can't take your baby on the trips see if someone on HIS side of the family can babysit or a trusted friend. Seriously if I was providing free room and board to someone and they wanted payment as well? Then when his first birthday rolls around ask your husband's family if they would allow you to have the celebration at their place and don't invite her. The thing I wonder about is does she have any money of her own coming in? I mean if she has NOTHING then maybe a small token of appreciation. How was she getting by before she moved in?

[TheGreyWitch]

I just wanted to make you aware this has hit the news papers.

[A580Hojas]

OP HASN'T POSTED ON THE THREAD FOR MORE THAN 3 DAYS AND YET STILL IT TRUNDLES ON AND ON WITH YET MORE "BUT THIS IS YOUR MOTHER" SANCTIMONIOUS ESSAYS!

IT'S A ZOMBIE, LET IT DIE!

[Ellmau]

Who cares about child childminding laws or immigration.

OP should. Because if her DM is in breach of the immigration rules, and the authorities find out, she could get banned for visiting again in the future.

[Olu123]

Ask your mum what are expectations are re: payment. Maybe she can have baby 2 days a week while baby spends a day or more at nursery. You will be glad you have help at home for those days when you are late from work or sickness etc.
I come from a culture where we give parents money regularly esp when they are no longer working, not as a payment as such but something you can afford at your own discretion maybe your mum has been expecting this as it’s not happening she’s voiced it out as childcare payment.

[Onthedunes]

Who cares about child childminding laws or immigration.

FFs this is her mother, the woman who brought her up, loved and cared for her, thought so much of her she travelled to be there for the birth and support her through pregnancy and childbirth and helped in the home.

If she had outstayed her welcome she would have been asked to leave much earlier than a year.
Op's husband can't have minded that much, it probably gave them a social life.

I really don't think op has any idea how demanding it is looking after a baby without help, help on tap even if her mother is elderly, being at home with a child whist your partner works can send you mad just from lonliness.

Send you mom back home, find and pay for childcare and hopefully when she's gone you will see what an ungrateful girl you have been and taken her for granted.

Win, win.
I honestly don't believe you have said you may as well put her in nursery if you have to pay your mother.

Ungrateful
I've got a feeling you will learn the hard way, either financially or through your mental health suffering, through the loss of your mother's support.

[jannier]

Ofsted registration is only a legal requirement for unrelated persons offering more than 2 hours paid childcare in their own homes.