Grandparent asking for money for looking after my 9 month son

[Candyfloss11]

I have a 9 month old son and for the past year my mother has been living with me and my husband. She has helped us out a lot by looking after my son when both me and my husband are in a pinch. This has been great and much appreciated and at first i thought she was happy to help out because she expressed how much she wanted a grandchild before my son was born.

So we let her stay with us so she can spend more time with her grandchild. However she has recently said she now wants to be paid for looking after my son and is upset that we haven’t paid her at all. She did not indicate that she expected payment in the first place. Does this seem reasonable at all? Given that she is staying with us she has no expenses, she is divorced with no partner and is retired so it’s not like she has been missing out on any employment income anyway. We have also taken her to a few holidays with us as well.

If anything i’m more hurt that she feels this way, as my point of view us paying her feels like a transaction and not the fact that it’s her grandchild. I’m more than happy to pay for expenses that she might incur for looking after my son but in our case there isn't any because she lives with us. But if she wants payment then i might as well take my son to a nursery when im back at work.

I agree!

@Candyfloss11, just seen your story in the Sun! www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/17247087/grandmother-asks-money-looking-after-grandchild/amp/

Oh how very entitled you sound !

@SarahJanes1854

I have a nanny. Nannies do not work for board, they work for a fair wage. Asking some one to work for you and in exchange providing a roof over their head is modern day slavery. If you had this arrangement with some one who was not family, you would be charged with owning a slave. Pay her.

I have a live in nanny/housekeeper, my mum is visiting now for a few months . She helps out with the baby, as do myself and my husband. What we do is about 5-10 pct of what the nanny is doing, so I don’t think you can compare an actual paid employee to what OPs mum is doing, based on what OP wrote. Clearly the arrangement is not working out, so best to end it rather than muddle families and money and employment

Sounds to me like some busy-body friend of hers has been stirring things up and egged her on to bring it up with you. I would sit down together and tell her how hurt you are and how you feel her living in your home expense-free is a fair deal. Who would want their MIL living with them full tim anyway? If she sticks to her guns then put your child in day care and tell her you no longer need her service.

It feels like we’re missing context here.

Moving in with you is unusual.

Is she looking after him for hours a day or just occasionally? If occasionally, why move in with you?

[quote OCM19]@Candyfloss11, just seen your story in the Sun! www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/17247087/grandmother-asks-money-looking-after-grandchild/amp/[/quote]
Sarah Bull, you hang around on Mumsnet for free and no expenses, do a bit of work (ie copy and paste) and then expect to get paid! The irony.

I think it is about time she returned to her own house. Your son would also benefit from going to a registered child minder or nursery as he would have other children his age to play with.

@Joesmummy1

It feels like we’re missing context here.

Moving in with you is unusual.

Is she looking after him for hours a day or just occasionally? If occasionally, why move in with you?

If you read all the OPs posts the missing context will be explained. In a thread with 350+ messages there are bound to be many points that you can't get just from reading the op alone.

Agree with other posters. Your DS will be going to nursery for more hours soon, as you need cover for work. You can’t afford to pay her for this, & it’s apparent that she doesn’t enjoy it anyway. Not can you afford to continue having her live with you rent free in your current situation, with nursery bills to pay in the near future. She would be happier going back home, & being a holiday grandmother.

I am appalled at the attitude of some people on here. If the grandparent is being asked to look after her grandson on a full time basis then why should she not be paid.

Because there are laws around being registered - and therefore inspected - if you are taking money for providing childcare.

However, the point of this thread is that the OP welcomed her mother into her home, when her mother asked if she could come and stay, as she was excited to be a Grandparent. I have got the impression that the OP and her dh assumed this would be for a few weeks, from when the little one arrived. Not for everyone, but all very lovely if the OP, her dh, and her mother were all happy with that arrangement. Up until now, it seems everyone was. OP has been on maternity leave. OP and her dh have been picking up all the additional expense without really thinking about it, as - has been said - this is the baby's Grandmother, who asked if she could come to spend time with her daughter and new grandchild.
It seems that the holiday for the OP's mother has gone on longer than the OP expected, and then there has been this unexpected demand from the Grandmother.
OP hasn't been back since her first 3 posts on Wednesday, to say if she has made plans for childcare for her return to work now maternity leave is coming to an end or if she has moved to an assumption that her mother will want to care for the child as she has stayed this long and showing no sign of going home. IF that is what the OP has hinted at, or implied in conversations with her mother, then her mother is right to want to clear the air and put things on a clearer basis. Looking after a baby whilst parents are at work is a VERY different prospect from 'being a companion to Mum and helping a bit whilst Mum is there' that the Grandmother has been doing.
However, it then opens up all kinds of cans of worms about permission to stay in the country, about permission to work in the country, about long term living arrangements and so much more.
Like so many issues, it seems the problem has arisen due to too many people assuming, rather than anyone talking.

@Prinzy It’s in her last post on the thread.

A relative can be paid to look after a child without being registered, inspected or anything else.

"I’m on mat leave at the moment but will be returning to work very soon. So will be needing full time childcare then."

I would genuinely like to know if it is the expectation of providing full-time care that has prompted your mother to raise the matter of payment, @Candyfloss11?

What full-time childcare were you planning to put in place?

Ofsted registration is only a legal requirement for unrelated persons offering more than 2 hours paid childcare in their own homes.

Who cares about child childminding laws or immigration.

FFs this is her mother, the woman who brought her up, loved and cared for her, thought so much of her she travelled to be there for the birth and support her through pregnancy and childbirth and helped in the home.

If she had outstayed her welcome she would have been asked to leave much earlier than a year.
Op's husband can't have minded that much, it probably gave them a social life.

I really don't think op has any idea how demanding it is looking after a baby without help, help on tap even if her mother is elderly, being at home with a child whist your partner works can send you mad just from lonliness.

Send you mom back home, find and pay for childcare and hopefully when she's gone you will see what an ungrateful girl you have been and taken her for granted.

Win, win.
I honestly don't believe you have said you may as well put her in nursery if you have to pay your mother.

Ungrateful
I've got a feeling you will learn the hard way, either financially or through your mental health suffering, through the loss of your mother's support.

Ask your mum what are expectations are re: payment. Maybe she can have baby 2 days a week while baby spends a day or more at nursery. You will be glad you have help at home for those days when you are late from work or sickness etc.
I come from a culture where we give parents money regularly esp when they are no longer working, not as a payment as such but something you can afford at your own discretion maybe your mum has been expecting this as it’s not happening she’s voiced it out as childcare payment.

Who cares about child childminding laws or immigration.

OP should. Because if her DM is in breach of the immigration rules, and the authorities find out, she could get banned for visiting again in the future.

OP HASN'T POSTED ON THE THREAD FOR MORE THAN 3 DAYS AND YET STILL IT TRUNDLES ON AND ON WITH YET MORE "BUT THIS IS YOUR MOTHER" SANCTIMONIOUS ESSAYS!

IT'S A ZOMBIE, LET IT DIE!

I just wanted to make you aware this has hit the news papers.

I agree with the others who have said to ask her to move out. Tell her since she wants payment she should be registered. When you go on vacation trips don't bring her as it would just be an added burden. If you can't take your baby on the trips see if someone on HIS side of the family can babysit or a trusted friend. Seriously if I was providing free room and board to someone and they wanted payment as well? Then when his first birthday rolls around ask your husband's family if they would allow you to have the celebration at their place and don't invite her. The thing I wonder about is does she have any money of her own coming in? I mean if she has NOTHING then maybe a small token of appreciation. How was she getting by before she moved in?

@LovesDaBeach

I agree with the others who have said to ask her to move out. Tell her since she wants payment she should be registered. When you go on vacation trips don't bring her as it would just be an added burden. If you can't take your baby on the trips see if someone on HIS side of the family can babysit or a trusted friend. Seriously if I was providing free room and board to someone and they wanted payment as well? Then when his first birthday rolls around ask your husband's family if they would allow you to have the celebration at their place and don't invite her. The thing I wonder about is does she have any money of her own coming in? I mean if she has NOTHING then maybe a small token of appreciation. How was she getting by before she moved in?

Have you read about modern day slavery? Get someone in your house under false pretences dont pay them put them to work etc they can't leave they have no money. Yes shes been on holidays with them....how many in cov8d I wonder...probably to do the childcare.....now they want her to do full time childcare unpaid in exchange for food and board.....if you have an aupair you give them food and board and PAY THEM. if you have a live in nanny you give them food and board and PAY. if you have family why should you bring them from abroad make them do 30 hours childcare and only food and board?

I agree with @jannier

Who the hell thinks someone should be grateful for room and board in return for what will be full time childcare? The OP was clearly assuming her mum would do full time care with the petulant final sentence But if she wants payment then i might as well take my son to a nursery when im back at work. I wonder just how much childcare her poor mum had to do on "holiday".

It's one thing to be supportive of an OP but the spiteful advice from some posters makes me wonder just how badly they treat others in real life.

If it were a nanny or au-pair they were treating that way they'd be charged with modern day slavery.

I bet they don't expect a SAHP to accept food and board as a total and equitable return for full time childcare with no access to funds. They'd screech about financial abuse. Many would list the professional fees of nurse, tutor, chef, chauffeur etc.

When it comes to a grandparent doing the same stuff they should be grateful for bed and board. Fucking double standards. What makes a grandparent 's time and work less fucking valuable?

I did wonder why someone on maternity leave with a partner would get in a pinch with childcare so often and how that leads to taking granny for granted. Time off for mummy, shopping days, spa days ....gran over to help out in early days dosent generally lead to taking granny for granted

Yes, I think indeed the OP sounds as if she was expecting free childcare.

A huge expectation from her mother.

It is extraordinary how many children expect this from grandparents, for free, while happily ignoring what a huge burden it can be.

It has always struck me as extremely selfish and self serving.

Childminding is a tough job and certainly not something to just expect your parents to want to do fulltime, just because they are grandparents.

Complete CF territory to expect your parents to be "thrilled" with the opportunity to spend their latter years minding their grandchildren fulltime.

Some might.
For most, it strikes me as a massive imposition.