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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

Grandparent asking for money for looking after my 9 month son

389 replies

Candyfloss11 · 04/01/2022 23:04

I have a 9 month old son and for the past year my mother has been living with me and my husband. She has helped us out a lot by looking after my son when both me and my husband are in a pinch. This has been great and much appreciated and at first i thought she was happy to help out because she expressed how much she wanted a grandchild before my son was born.

So we let her stay with us so she can spend more time with her grandchild. However she has recently said she now wants to be paid for looking after my son and is upset that we haven’t paid her at all. She did not indicate that she expected payment in the first place. Does this seem reasonable at all? Given that she is staying with us she has no expenses, she is divorced with no partner and is retired so it’s not like she has been missing out on any employment income anyway. We have also taken her to a few holidays with us as well.

If anything i’m more hurt that she feels this way, as my point of view us paying her feels like a transaction and not the fact that it’s her grandchild. I’m more than happy to pay for expenses that she might incur for looking after my son but in our case there isn't any because she lives with us. But if she wants payment then i might as well take my son to a nursery when im back at work.

OP posts:

ZenNudist · 05/01/2022 08:59

No this is not normal. Definitely sort childcare for when you go back to work as she obviously doesn't want to do it plus will go back home at some point.

Just get a babysitter if you need one. Don't start paying your own mother. Really bad precedent to set.

appleturnovers · 05/01/2022 09:02

YANBU. Apart from the financial side that PPs have covered, I'd just find it hurtful that she a) sees looking after her grandchild occasionally as a transactional chore that she does for money not love, and b) that she didn't ask for payment but is now annoyed that you didn't read her mind and pay her. That's unfair and unreasonable of her.

BellaChagall · 05/01/2022 09:02

How old is she?

diddl · 05/01/2022 09:03

So how much childcare has she been doing?

How many "pinches" have there been?

Have you started treating her like a nanny?

massiveblob · 05/01/2022 09:06

You could treat her like an au pair?
Give her an allowance if she has no other income. Not sure what going rate is but cheap

massiveblob · 05/01/2022 09:11

If you expect her to look after Dc when you go back to work then yes offer payment of some sort

Pod351 · 05/01/2022 09:12

Sounds like it's time she moved out.

GullyGawk · 05/01/2022 09:13

@converseandjeans

So I reckon she's ok with a few hours and is worrying she will need to cover your working hours. She obviously isn't keen. I can see her point - she will be exhausted and tied down.

This.

irene9 · 05/01/2022 09:14

If you are not happy to have her living there long term then don't pay her for minding him.
Maybe neither of you is good at saying what your plans are. She has come to live with you to spend more time with your son but hasn't said how long she is staying. And you two haven't mentioned that either. But she has already stayed for a year! That's more than a holiday. Where does her post get sent to?
Are you very dependent on her? Does she do a lot of the cleaning and cooking?

NoBetterthanSheShouldBe · 05/01/2022 09:19

Think about what you would need to pay an au pair on top of board and lodging. That wouldn’t be full time child care, of course - you need to look at nursery to cover at least some of the hours.

EmmasMum12 · 05/01/2022 09:20

It's reasonable for her to ask for pay as long as SHE pays HER way....rent/heating/food/council tax etc

If she doesn't feel that family should charge her 'keep' then id suggest that family also doesn't charge for childcare

grapewine · 05/01/2022 09:23

You must have a very understanding partner. Time to at least sit down and figure out how long your mother is staying for, irrespective of the childcare issue.

Pod351 · 05/01/2022 09:23

@NYnewstart

Agree but then tell her how much the rent will be. Oh and how much her share of holidays will be.

Actually I’d be really sad about this.

I second this. She's taking the biscuit. I would definitely pay her for childcare once she paid towards all household bills and holidays. Fair's fair.

rainrainraincamedowndowndown · 05/01/2022 09:29

Wow that sounds like a very awkward situation. I think you need to have a chat with her to figure out what's the best option for both of you. Maybe she just feel like she was taken for granted, not realising you are actually doing her a favour by letting her stay at yours, and there's other childcare options for you.

StrangerThanSpring · 05/01/2022 09:32

@appleturnovers

Yes, but it sounds like it maybe wasn't as occasional as the OP is trying to spin it as. Re-reading the OP, it does seem like the OP was expecting her mum to do full time childcare once she goes back to work. I don't think that's fair at all.

Bluntness100 · 05/01/2022 09:32

@appleturnovers

I get that’s how it’s written but it seems the op is going back to work and anticipating her mother looking after her child full time, which appears to be the issue, and the mother also hasn’t moved in permanently, she has only come to stay to help for a period.

It’s an odd thread. It’s position that the mother came to live permanently for free, only does a few hours a week and has demanded payment, but the drip feed seems to be she only came to stay to help and the op is expecting her to full time care for her child instead of using nursery when she goes back to work.

Wheresthebeach · 05/01/2022 09:38

Find a nursery. Pronto.

Pay her something to keep the peace, accept that its the price of having taken her for granted sometimes and to make her feel valued.

Ship her home! Your husband doesn't want her there permanently, its not working for her clearly, and if you don't put the baby in nursery this will drag on.

IMO your aim is to end this amicably. I really wouldn't get into a debate about rent etc unless you want her to stay forever.

gogohm · 05/01/2022 09:51

If she's not British (assuming you are in Britain) I doubt she can legally work anyway. I think you need to have a serious conversation

DarkCorner · 05/01/2022 09:51

How any hours over the past month has she done (alone) childcare, roughly? Does she contribute housework/cooking also?

Assuming you want to keep a good relationship, I'd probably just ask how much she feels you should pay her and see what she says. Or maybe you can start afresh with an hourly rate and then at least you can decide whether to pay if you want/need a babysitter. Then just never ask her to look after baby alone! I'd also ask her what her longer term plans are. It's not really fair to you or your DH for her to stay indefinitely at your expense (food, bills etc) and come on any holidays too!

I'd definitely look into nurseries asap - not to worry you but I found it really hard to find one with space near me although that was just as people were heading back to offices so it might not be such an issue now or in your area.

OvaHere · 05/01/2022 10:02

@Candyfloss11

Just answering some of the questions here, no she does not contribute to any household expenses or the holidays. Reason is because we saw her as family but looks like she sadly doesnt feel like that.

I agree we have taken her for granted for the many times she’s helped us but she never really complained about it and we were always under the impression she just wanted to spend more time with me and her grandchild. Feels like she bottled it all up until now

Finally she is living with us because she has no where else to stay in the country. She has her own home in another country but she decided to come stay with us to help us out as she really wanted a grandchild - these were her own words.

My plan is to hopefully have an open sit down convo with her soon

It sounds like you maybe have mismatched expectations of what her spending time with her family looks like. Her vision of helping out might have been more like an old fashioned 'mothers help' or just an extra pair of hands and some emotional support. Whereas you and DH have interpreted it as a willing babysitter happy to do solo childcare.

I think trying to have a chat with her to see if wires have been crossed somewhere is a good idea. Neither of you are probably at fault, it seems more like a case of miscommunication.

However if both having your mother living with you and having to pay for outside childcare is going to be difficult for you longer term then it might be an idea to start planning a deadline for her returning to her own home.

Hugoslavia · 05/01/2022 10:03

I would explain that you are not allowed to pay her unless she is a qualified childminder. Also point out that you thought that she was doing it out of love. Tell her that you still wish to maintain a good relationship with her and you can see now that this arrangement has muddied the waters and then find a place at a nursery. Alternatively tell her that if you were to pay her, you would also feel obligated to charge her for any care that you provide to her in her old age.

Haffiana · 05/01/2022 10:05

I cannot believe this thread.

OP, if you employed a live in Nanny, you would provide ALL board and lodging AND pay a fair wage for childcare.

But no, you want it all for free, just because Grandma.

You are taking the fucking piss.

TatianaBis · 05/01/2022 10:12

As you will soon need FT childcare, it’s a convenient time to bring this arrangement to a close. You find a FT solution and she goes home.

Beautiful3 · 05/01/2022 10:14

If she pays you food/bills and board, then I'd offer to pay her a little bit. If she doesn't pay anything then I wouldn't pay her, apart from expenses.

Beautiful3 · 05/01/2022 10:18

Ahh just read your update. Think I'd look into maybe paying her less than a nursery just until you find a nursery place. Encourage her to return to her home, if it's not working out well.

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