Grandparent asking for money for looking after my 9 month son

[Candyfloss11]

I have a 9 month old son and for the past year my mother has been living with me and my husband. She has helped us out a lot by looking after my son when both me and my husband are in a pinch. This has been great and much appreciated and at first i thought she was happy to help out because she expressed how much she wanted a grandchild before my son was born.

So we let her stay with us so she can spend more time with her grandchild. However she has recently said she now wants to be paid for looking after my son and is upset that we haven’t paid her at all. She did not indicate that she expected payment in the first place. Does this seem reasonable at all? Given that she is staying with us she has no expenses, she is divorced with no partner and is retired so it’s not like she has been missing out on any employment income anyway. We have also taken her to a few holidays with us as well.

If anything i’m more hurt that she feels this way, as my point of view us paying her feels like a transaction and not the fact that it’s her grandchild. I’m more than happy to pay for expenses that she might incur for looking after my son but in our case there isn't any because she lives with us. But if she wants payment then i might as well take my son to a nursery when im back at work.

@Tarano17

It is very unreasonable for the OP to complain about her Mother wanting payment when nobody would look after a new born baby for free. Why do you expect your Mother to do it for free when she has already moved from her own home and country to support you with your DC? You are the Mother and as you don’t mention having any other children presumably this is your first? Even if it’s not you and your DP need to be bonding with your DC instead of burdening your DM to do the majority of it for free. Every parent has been innyour position and even those who are very well off still have to pay for childcare. Why do you expect your Mother to do it for free when nobody else would. Because she is your Mother? That won’t cut it as she has already had her experience of having children and taking care of them so it is now you and your DP responsibility. Every parent gets tired with a new born but that is life you can’t just expect to pass it on to your Mother for a never ending period for free.

But her dm is staying in her home, eating her food etc and it is only a few hours of support.

[quote Tarano17]@Hertsgirl10 Yes really. What planet do you live on to think being a childminder for a new born baby could be described as a “holiday”????[/quote]
@Tarano17

I must have missed that update where she said she made her mum childmind her newborn on holiday.

Or are you being a tad dramatic?

Sounds to me like she feels a little taken for granted. Grandparents, living with you or not, should not be used as childminders. You sound like you are trying to say she has no purpose other than to look after your child - I am a little shocked that you throw back she is living with you - if it doesnt suit, ask her to leave and stop taking advantage and playing the situation for your gain

@Prinzy OP has said that her mother only looks after the baby a few hours.

Maybe it isn't about cash payment. Perhaps she feels undervalued. Do you expect her to be there 24/7? To provide childcare services whenever you need it? Maybe you need to work out what your expectations and needs are, and what her expectations and needs are. My son and daughter in law live with my husband and I. We have been minding our granddaughter while they work, from the time she was born. She is six now, and thank god she started kindergarden last september. It has been exhausting. We have given up vacations, much of our social life, and privacy. Our only payment has been the joy and privilege of being part of our only grandchild's life. HOWEVER, our kids appreciate what we are doing for them. They are careful and considerate about our schedule. When they are off work, we are off work. When they work from home, they take her for their lunch break, so we can have a break. When she has a day off from school, they try to work their schedules to have time with her. They don't expect us to be minding her while they run errands or have an evening out, without lots of advance warning, and they ask nicely and accept graciously when we decline.

I don't think I would take it for granted that my mother or father would babysit at all. The child belongs to you and you shoulder the entire responsibility. Any help should be freely given and accepted for what it is, occasional assistance. What is more important is how your relationship with your mother has come to this point.

Unfortunately we only hear one side of the story on this thread. I’d like to hear the Grandma’s side too.

I’d use a nursery anyway

Far better for development generally. Better experiences and keeps family relationships on even footing

A bit cheeky given that she is living with you with no contribution to bills etc... but of course depends on the number of hours. A frank conversation is necessary.

If you are charging her to stay wit you maybe, otherwise no x

How old is she?
How much longer is she staying?
Have you got childcare in place for returning the work?
Does she want to go home?

Maybe she feels hurt that you see her as an unpaid childminder rather than a grandparent.

It's hard looking after a nine month old baby (and young women can struggle too),thats why we don't have babies naturally after a certain age. Don't begrudge her for wanting grandchildren. Send your child to nursery and ask if she would like to look after your child for part of day , have a chat about how she feels. You only get one mum.

Yanbu

If you are paying money you get to choose someone with qualifications and certification and who you will be able to sack/walk away from if they don't work within your requirements.

Grandparent care is optional and only happens if both parents and grandparents are happy with the plan, is much less possible to regulate (you can't stop grandmas from giving their grandchildren too much chocolate. It's impossible), and is given freely out of love.

It's a really bad idea to mix family and money generally anyway but given that she's living with you her savings in living costs will surely more than outweigh any reasonable wage for what she does?

@clarissa76 I don't recall OP saying a few hours, I do however recall OP saying, something along the lines of she [grandma] has helped out a lot

You ask why the OP is accepting some hours of childcare (OP is there too as on mat leave) from her mum who asked to stay to see the GC)
You think the OP should pay her mum but you're forgetting to as why her mother would expect to stay with her daughter and husband for a year, with free food, run of the house, free meals, no energy/water/ internet bills, free holidays?
It's not a one way street.

*forgetting to ASK. .

The OPs mum may have let her own home out while she's with daughter and in the meantime, coining it. 😉😁

I think you need to sit down and set up a proper agreement:

She does childcare for X hours per week, for which you pay her £x.

She lives in your house, for which she pays you £ per week/month for rent/food/bills.

Just get it sorted.

I am appalled at the attitude of some people on here. If the grandparent is being asked to look after her grandson on a full time basis then why should she not be paid. I took care of my granddaughter 3 days a week and the other two days were spent with her other grandparent. My daughter and Son in Law insisted on paying and to be totally honest I took my granddaughter out to different places which required payment. Eventually she was at pre-school for three mornings a week and then school. I had never asked for payment and did actually save what money I did not use for her activities which at 18 she is delighted to have some funds towards her driving lessons. I was happy to have been paid as it did ensure we did get out and about a lot more than perhaps I could have afforded had I not been paid. Be kind people and do not jump to conclusions. What I did find offensive (as a retiree) the inference that "it is not as if she is missing out on any employment. What she would be missing out on would be her life and outside activities beyond this lady's home. I still work - took on job after my little lady went to school and I have worked ever since.

Start charging her rent for living in your house and if she doesn’t like it tell her to live elsewhere. Put your baby in child care then no one can hold anything over you.

The grandparent in this case seems to be doing a bit of occasional babysitting whilst living cost free in OPs house. I'd be telling her it was time to go home now, and sorting proper childcare for after Maternity Leave.

I expect she’s on her knees with exhaustion. She’s not ‘helping out’. She’s doing full time childcare for a baby.

Since when is a few hours a week 'full time childcare'?

Does your mum have her own house ? And does any income at all?
Maybe she is worried about money or is in debt?
It’s understandable if you feel hurt and disappointed but it Couid be that your mum has some issues or worries around finances.
I’d suggest a non inflammatory chat rather than some peoples suggestions of you saying she needs to pay rent. You obviously have had a great relationship with your mum and so it’d be really worth finding out why she’s feeling like this.

I would be hurt too, she’s turning the relationship into a transaction! Your dh is a saint, he’s welcomed /paid for his mil to live with him and now she wants a salary too