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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Original poster

Grandparent asking for money for looking after my 9 month son

389 replies

Candyfloss11 · 04/01/2022 23:04

I have a 9 month old son and for the past year my mother has been living with me and my husband. She has helped us out a lot by looking after my son when both me and my husband are in a pinch. This has been great and much appreciated and at first i thought she was happy to help out because she expressed how much she wanted a grandchild before my son was born.

So we let her stay with us so she can spend more time with her grandchild. However she has recently said she now wants to be paid for looking after my son and is upset that we haven’t paid her at all. She did not indicate that she expected payment in the first place. Does this seem reasonable at all? Given that she is staying with us she has no expenses, she is divorced with no partner and is retired so it’s not like she has been missing out on any employment income anyway. We have also taken her to a few holidays with us as well.

If anything i’m more hurt that she feels this way, as my point of view us paying her feels like a transaction and not the fact that it’s her grandchild. I’m more than happy to pay for expenses that she might incur for looking after my son but in our case there isn't any because she lives with us. But if she wants payment then i might as well take my son to a nursery when im back at work.

OP posts:
RantyAunty · 06/01/2022 19:59

Helps out a lot to a few hours.

Which is it?

Had a friend who went to visit her daughter and help out a bit.

That helping out a bit turned into caring for 2 under 4 from 6am to sometimes midnight 6 days a week.

My friend ended up injuring her back and she spoke up about all the hours and her daughter told her to get out as she was living there free doing nothing anyway.

Jcpal80 · 06/01/2022 20:09

That is ludicrous. She is living with you rent free and it’s her blood. What an awful thing to say. Perhaps you should ask her to pay you for every meal you cook her or to start chipping in for bills. Works both ways.

mumshouse · 06/01/2022 20:12

Are you sure she has a decent income?

Regardless, if resentment has started to creep in, maybe it's time to bring an end to this arrangement.

crimsonlake · 06/01/2022 20:15

You will be returning to work 'very soon' and say you will be needing full time childcare. Is this childcare arranged or were you planning to use MIL?

Mumkins42 · 06/01/2022 20:17

Too many unanswered questions in this thread. Childcare is so tough and I think many grandparents are taken advantage of. I did the same with my own mum and realise it's not fair. The housing /rent situation needs clarity OP otherwise we are all guessing here

Sturch16 · 06/01/2022 20:19

What an absolute cheek the absolute nerve of some people id be telling her if she wants to be that petty she can look for another place to live because who wants a freeloader in their house I’m actually flabbergasted lol after all you e obviously done for her 😱

billy1966 · 06/01/2022 20:20

If you are returning very soon I presume you have childcare in a nursery arranged?

If you haven't made nursery arrangements then your mother is alarmed at the thought of being full-time care, which would be a huge commitment for her.

Definitely a conversation is due.

errnerrcallnernnernnern · 06/01/2022 20:21

If it’s just a few hours a week then it’s very odd that she wants to be paid.

If she was looking after baby for full day/s then I could understand.

Do you think she is pre-empting your return to work by bringing up being paid? Have you hinted that you’d like her to look after baby full time whilst you work?

As you don’t want her to live with you long term, your return to work seems like a natural time for her to return home.

ArrrMeHearties · 06/01/2022 20:23

Legally she needs to be registered with the relevant bodies if she wants payment

schoolsoutforever · 06/01/2022 20:23

I would just try to be straight with her. Something along the lines of ‘I was a bit upset when you said that you’d like to be recompensed for looking after ….. I had sort of assumed because you’re family and that we’d been housing and feeding you these X months, that you would be happy to have him. If you’d prefer a financial arrangement we can sort something out for the childcare and rent’. See what she says…

Aphrodite31 · 06/01/2022 20:25

She's living with you as family for free.

Because she wants to be with her grandchild.

I would point this out.

I'd propose giving a kitty for expenses but I would feel upset if my own mother asked me to pay for looking after my child 😥

If she was living in her own house and had all those expenses, maybe, but living with you??

feistymumma · 06/01/2022 20:29

Do you not give her anything at all, even under the disguise of treat yourself mum? If so then YABU, if she has no income at all then it would be nice if each month you gave her something even £300 and say mum treat yourself. It doesn't specifically have to be labelled childminding money

gamerchick · 06/01/2022 20:34

@feistymumma

Do you not give her anything at all, even under the disguise of treat yourself mum? If so then YABU, if she has no income at all then it would be nice if each month you gave her something even £300 and say mum treat yourself. It doesn't specifically have to be labelled childminding money
Apart from the free room and board?
woodhill · 06/01/2022 20:40

@feistymumma

Do you not give her anything at all, even under the disguise of treat yourself mum? If so then YABU, if she has no income at all then it would be nice if each month you gave her something even £300 and say mum treat yourself. It doesn't specifically have to be labelled childminding money
£300 is a lot of money to pay out

Think it's time for her to go home

5128gap · 06/01/2022 20:51

I paid my mum. If it wasn't for her not only would we gave lost short term income but also opportunities to build our careers. She had DC when they were ill at undociable hours, and at short notice and looked after them with the love and care they would not have got in professional setting. The money I paid enabled her to have a few extra luxuries and was worth every penny and more to me.

hiredandsqueak · 06/01/2022 20:53

I do two days childcare for dd for free. I do the odd extra day as well for free. Dd buys me the odd bunch of flowers, takes me out to lunch, the occasional bar of chocolate. There is no way I'd do full time childcare for free for dd. It's tiring, trying and really dominates your time.
I think fair enough do your bit to help out when you live in the house free of charge but full time childcare is completely different and your dm is right to expect to be paid.

longwayoff · 06/01/2022 20:58

Tell her you'll pay her when she gets a proper home of her own like a real grown up and gets Ofsted registered. Bloody hell.

Gilld69 · 06/01/2022 20:59

do you put childcare on to her a lot, if so maybe she's feeling the pressure, I adore my grandkids, 3 are in full time school and I look after youngest 1 day poss 2 on occasion and he goes to nursery 1 day any more would be too much

Fr0thandBubble · 06/01/2022 21:00

I would never dream of charging my children to look after their children. I’d do anything I could to help them out, especially because things are so much harder financially than they were for our parents. You must feel very hurt.

IDontKnowWhyAye · 06/01/2022 21:03

Start charging her rent and bills then

A580Hojas · 06/01/2022 21:05

Dear Lord! Why can't HQ lock threads when they just become pointless?

Rainartist · 06/01/2022 21:05

Say ok I'll pay you for childcare if you pay me rent, food, internet, water, gas, electric, council tax etc

I'm sure she'll back down Grin

jannier · 06/01/2022 21:20

Sounds like modern slavery to me....get someone over here living with you gradually build up the chores expected in exchange for keep, extend time they stay make it a permanent full time arrangement then deprive them of any income so they are bound to you and can't afford to leave, no rights to buy as much as a deodorant without paying for it in labour .....oh but she's the granny that's fine then the extra food bill more than enough whilst mummy saves £500 a week on childcare.

jannier · 06/01/2022 21:22

@Gilld69

do you put childcare on to her a lot, if so maybe she's feeling the pressure, I adore my grandkids, 3 are in full time school and I look after youngest 1 day poss 2 on occasion and he goes to nursery 1 day any more would be too much
The op wants full time childcare in exchange for feeding granny....cant imagine the increased cost of having gran there are much more than £50 a week....house still needs heating etc.
phishy · 06/01/2022 21:25

@A580Hojas

Dear Lord! Why can't HQ lock threads when they just become pointless?
How is the thread pointless? Because you've had your say?