Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Original poster

Grandparent asking for money for looking after my 9 month son

389 replies

Candyfloss11 · 04/01/2022 23:04

I have a 9 month old son and for the past year my mother has been living with me and my husband. She has helped us out a lot by looking after my son when both me and my husband are in a pinch. This has been great and much appreciated and at first i thought she was happy to help out because she expressed how much she wanted a grandchild before my son was born.

So we let her stay with us so she can spend more time with her grandchild. However she has recently said she now wants to be paid for looking after my son and is upset that we haven’t paid her at all. She did not indicate that she expected payment in the first place. Does this seem reasonable at all? Given that she is staying with us she has no expenses, she is divorced with no partner and is retired so it’s not like she has been missing out on any employment income anyway. We have also taken her to a few holidays with us as well.

If anything i’m more hurt that she feels this way, as my point of view us paying her feels like a transaction and not the fact that it’s her grandchild. I’m more than happy to pay for expenses that she might incur for looking after my son but in our case there isn't any because she lives with us. But if she wants payment then i might as well take my son to a nursery when im back at work.

OP posts:
Magnited · 06/01/2022 18:29

Maybe she has no income and maybe it would be nice to give her something?

ANameChangeAgain · 06/01/2022 18:32

Coming in late, but if you are going back to work why not suggest an au pair plus housekeeper type arrangement. She commits to a set amount of hours looking after your son whilst you work in return for board and a bit of pocket money?

Blossom64265 · 06/01/2022 18:34

Craziest thing, just providing a person with a place to live in exchange for household labor these days tends to end up making headlines for modern day slavery or imprisonment.

I know you aren’t actually trying to take advantage of grandma, but it’s really not reasonable to expect her to be your full time child care provider for nothing more than room and board.

spacer · 06/01/2022 18:36

Oh my gosh. I wouldn’t want to be paid even if I was looking after grandchild in my own home. Only time I would expect to be paid is if I gave up paid work to look after grandchild. But as you’d have to be ofsted registered wouldn’t be that easy.

Lolabray · 06/01/2022 18:42

Your own mum expecting to be paid for babysitting .. it shouldn’t be classed as work

Technonan · 06/01/2022 18:42

It depends how much childcare and general help she's giving you. You don't expect a live-in Nanny to pay rent - you pay her.

Starlightening · 06/01/2022 18:45

I would say maybe your mum is a bit overwhelmed with providing the care and perhaps it’s her way of trying to get you to look at alternatives?? Maybe she thinks if you pay her you could pay for a nursery placement . Might be worth an open discussion, could you consider a part time nursery place ?? to show your prepared to pay for some childcare and let her know your not expecting too much of her. It also sounds like she should be contributing to some household bills too ! I would ask her to contribute financially so you can put the money towards a few hours of alternative childcare ? That way your showing her that you realise your son needs care but also that it’s costly and judge her response ??

Tarano17 · 06/01/2022 18:45

@Hertsgirl10 Yes really. What planet do you live on to think being a childminder for a new born baby could be described as a “holiday”????

PUGMEISTER21 · 06/01/2022 18:46

Seems very unreasonable. I would offer to pay her but then tell her she has to pay rent at the double the amount you have just offered to pay her. That should make her realise that her request is unreasonable.

MammaMacgill87 · 06/01/2022 18:47

I'm in two camps here, looking after a child is hard work especially in old age and to off hand assume someone should be happy to do it because they are a relation is entitled and rude. But you mentioned she lives with you for free, why is this how did it come about? If she's frail enough that she can't live independently why on earth would you leave her in charge of a baby and without any compensation. Family dynamics and childcare is always dodgy. Put your baby in childcare and discuss with her reimbursement for living with you. Cut out all the problems at the source

StellaGibson118 · 06/01/2022 18:47

I think she's quite rude to not pay anything towards the house at all when you say she's not short of cash and then expect payment too. Unless she is hiding the fact she IS short of cash and trying to cover it up. Perhaps asking for money because she is stressed about her cash situation. Any chance of this?

Mitzi067 · 06/01/2022 18:48

Most annoying thing about this blog is that OP hardly replies to questions; is she playing games and needs attention! I am not reading any more.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 06/01/2022 18:50

@MrsElijahMikaelson1

Say yes-happy to pay you. At the same time, we set up the rental agreement for us housing you/subsidising your living expenses and then we can knock it off what you owe us…!
This ^

Or just tell her to find a place and put your child in a nursery.

Scottsy100 · 06/01/2022 18:51

Wow lives in your house rent and expense free then asks you to pay her, sorry but your mum is a CF. I’m not sure I could have her staying with me after that I’m afraid. Totally unreasonable behaviour

Tarano17 · 06/01/2022 18:55

It is very unreasonable for the OP to complain about her Mother wanting payment when nobody would look after a new born baby for free. Why do you expect your Mother to do it for free when she has already moved from her own home and country to support you with your DC? You are the Mother and as you don’t mention having any other children presumably this is your first? Even if it’s not you and your DP need to be bonding with your DC instead of burdening your DM to do the majority of it for free.
Every parent has been innyour position and even those who are very well off still have to pay for childcare. Why do you expect your Mother to do it for free when nobody else would. Because she is your Mother? That won’t cut it as she has already had her experience of having children and taking care of them so it is now you and your DP responsibility. Every parent gets tired with a new born but that is life you can’t just expect to pass it on to your Mother for a never ending period for free.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 06/01/2022 18:55

Suggest charging her rent?

Triphazards · 06/01/2022 18:58

She seems to think she can sit in your house like a cuckoo.

Prinzy · 06/01/2022 18:58

I always look at the situation as, being retired, I pressume she has worked her adult life.

I pressume her wanting grandchildren and being around them, are different to looking after them.

Depending on how many hours baby is left without th grandma, I would use this as an indicator of payment

Looking after children is a full time job, if she is helping on full time basis, she has effectively come out of retirement, also retired and looking after children, I imagine is exhausting.

You are no unreasonable to be shocked by the request, in particular if she is living with you rent free, however childcare is expensive for a reason.

Have a chat, work out some recompense, which could even be the living with you free of charge, but do remeber having family around to help, is a cost, that is decided by the value one see's in trustworthy childcare

coronafiona · 06/01/2022 18:58

When my parents looked after my first child (not v often) I always left them some cash to find coffees out, soft play etc. they never sent it all but I always left the change. Maybe a way round it? I totally understand why you would feel that way x

KarenTheGammonRemoaner · 06/01/2022 18:59

I think your mother in law is addicted to weed

Yogalola · 06/01/2022 19:00

Find it very hard to understand how she could ask for payment as she’s living rent free with you. Presumably she has her OAP pension which she has to spend. Understandably she doesn’t want to be taken for granted which is possibly why she’s asking for payment. I think maybe you need to talk openly has she financial problem?I think if you’re back at work then at least part time nursery so your mother does have some freedom

GinPin2 · 06/01/2022 19:00

I wouldn't dream of asking for money to look after my grandchildren.
My husband and I do it together.
The children range from 10 weeks to 10 years and we regularly do the school runs for the older children.
Youngest daughter is on maternity leave atm but we will resume 2 days a week with her 2 children next September ( almost 3 and 1 by then).
We have 3 other grandchildren who are an hour away and we do no childminding of them at all.

We love all our 7 grandchildren equally but there is a real bond between us and the 4 who we look after on a regular basis.
No amount of money could match that. Smile

We also know how much ( certainly by our youngest daughter and son in law) we are appreciated.

We were teaching when the school run 9 and 10 year olds were babies but it is a pleasure to be able to look after the 2yr old and her little sister and the bond is/will be even stronger with those two.

HollyTits · 06/01/2022 19:02

@HeddaGarbled

I expect she’s on her knees with exhaustion. She’s not ‘helping out’. She’s doing full time childcare for a baby. This is hard enough when you’re young, doubly hard when you’re retirement age.

Don’t get hung up on the money - think about what your mum needs to be happy and healthy, starting with reduced childcare duties and an independent income to spend on herself, perhaps an independent home and life which isn’t so subsumed into yours.

This ^. Plus is she on holiday with you as a "built in baby sitter? If you had a "mother's help" as they were called, you would provide room and board and a small amount of payment. She/he would also have a set amount of free time. Looking after grandchildren is absolutely exhausting, however much you love it. Not as easy as it was at half the age you were with your own. Have an open and frank discussion.
SinisterBumFacedCat · 06/01/2022 19:03

She needs to go back to her own home. What an awful way to treat your child and grandchild.

Prinzy · 06/01/2022 19:04

There are many who seem to say if she is living rent free the cost is offset, the average cost of childcare far exceeds 1/3 of the average cost rent/groceries