Page 14 | Grandparent asking for money for looking after my 9 month son

jannier · 06/01/2022 21:28

@longwayoff

Tell her you'll pay her when she gets a proper home of her own like a real grown up and gets Ofsted registered. Bloody hell.

She has a home abroad which presumably she still has to pay bills for whilst it stands empty. Op dosent know grans finances and assumes they are OK...pensions are not high in this country will they be high abroad, will they be enough to pay grans costs abroad whilst covering expenses here like clothes, toiletries and life outside of house or is gran kept indoors with no life

jannier · 06/01/2022 21:30

@Kisskiss

I would be hurt too, she’s turning the relationship into a transaction! Your dh is a saint, he’s welcomed /paid for his mil to live with him and now she wants a salary too

Hes also used her for childcare and now expects it to be full time free of charge saving him £1000's a year in exchange for a food bill....quiet a bargain not so saintly.

Needanewadventure2021 · 06/01/2022 21:59

Unfortunately with this sort of thing I think there is no 'one size fits all' answer.

I dont think she is providing free childcare if she is living for 'free', because no one can. Life is expensive. However why is she asking for payment? Is it because she is being expected to do more and more? Definitely a conversation you need to be having together because surely she can't expect to live without paying you anything and also get paid for childcare.

I've used both registered childcare and grandparents in the past. Personally I feel registered childcare did the world of good for my child but I have always appreciated the help from my parents. My parents now help in school holidays only. I have offered to pay, they refuse. I provide my child's everything. His food, drinks, spending money, I pay for their days out etc. He is the easiest child and literally sits playing with lego and occupies himself. I am often told we don't know we have him. It's worth saying my parents no longer work and barely leave the house so helping me in school holidays doesn't stop their lives at all. Unfortunately it is still thrown in my face that I use them for childcare. This is despite me offering to pay them and me paying for and supplying everything for when he is with them. I have absolutely no social life, it's only during school holidays because childcare is expensive, which they keep telling me, which is the reason they offer to help. I would understand if I keep putting on them. I dont, I get very little annual leave at work, my salary is low, it literally covers our monthly outgoings. I am also a lone parent and have no help from my child's other side of the family.

My point is even with my circumstances with grandparents 'wanting' to help it becomes quite a sore point that apparently I am using them for childcare, which upsets me alot. Probably because i help them all year round so help isn't one sided. And I do feel it's upsetting when at the core of things is your child/their grandchild.

I remember when I was a child my grandparents regularly had us for the weekend and in school holidays at their request. My parents don't have my child other than when i have to work during the school holidays. They never offer which I am fine with. When they help me I genuinely need it.

When my son is older I will always be willing to help him whenever he needs it, as long as I don't have to work, and I would never view time with my grandchildren as childcare.

But I do think it depends on the amount of help grandparents are giving. If it's a regular thing and becoming more and more an expectation I can understand why grandparents would feel taken advantage of.

In hindsight it's probably important when going into an arrangement like this that boundaries are put in place before it starts.

MiracleBaby2022 · 06/01/2022 22:03

Crikey, that all seems very odd! She stays at yours for free and expects to get a salary to look after your child too? How much is she saving by living with you for free? Surely that's payment enough. In any case, my mother would not expect money to look after her grandchild. Not in a million years!

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/01/2022 22:09

@Candyfloss11

I have a 9 month old son and for the past year my mother has been living with me and my husband. She has helped us out a lot by looking after my son when both me and my husband are in a pinch. This has been great and much appreciated and at first i thought she was happy to help out because she expressed how much she wanted a grandchild before my son was born.

So we let her stay with us so she can spend more time with her grandchild. However she has recently said she now wants to be paid for looking after my son and is upset that we haven’t paid her at all. She did not indicate that she expected payment in the first place. Does this seem reasonable at all? Given that she is staying with us she has no expenses, she is divorced with no partner and is retired so it’s not like she has been missing out on any employment income anyway. We have also taken her to a few holidays with us as well.

If anything i’m more hurt that she feels this way, as my point of view us paying her feels like a transaction and not the fact that it’s her grandchild. I’m more than happy to pay for expenses that she might incur for looking after my son but in our case there isn't any because she lives with us. But if she wants payment then i might as well take my son to a nursery when im back at work.

You are currently on maternity leave, returning to work soon. Is it possible that your mother thinks that you expect her to be the full-time sole carer for your child whilst you are at work? And that this has panicked her, and her saying she wants to be paid is a way of putting you off asking her to do that?

anotherbloodyyearofcovid · 06/01/2022 22:18

Looking after someone else's child is a bloody awful way to spend the day. No wonder she wants blood money.

wentworthinmate · 06/01/2022 22:31

@MrsElijahMikaelson1

Say yes-happy to pay you. At the same time, we set up the rental agreement for us housing you/subsidising your living expenses and then we can knock it off what you owe us…!

Absolutely what I would say and do!

Downton57 · 06/01/2022 22:42

From the grandmother's point of view she is going to get no joy whatsoever out of her rent-free room in your house if she is looking after a baby/toddler full-time. When does she get to enjoy her own life? Personally at 60 it would be my idea of a nightmare and I suspect she is terrified of the prospect. Wanting a grandchild and wanting to help out is not the same as full time nannying.

Ziegfeld · 06/01/2022 23:00

@Downton57

From the grandmother's point of view she is going to get no joy whatsoever out of her rent-free room in your house if she is looking after a baby/toddler full-time. When does she get to enjoy her own life? Personally at 60 it would be my idea of a nightmare and I suspect she is terrified of the prospect. Wanting a grandchild and wanting to help out is not the same as full time nannying.

RTFT, she isn’t looking after a baby full time. OP is on mat leave and it’s only been a few hours a week.

Needanewadventure2021 · 06/01/2022 23:11

As per a previous post I am also wondering if she is assuming she will be taking on a more full time role with OP returning to work soon. Does this mean no alternative childcare has been secured yet?

BbqFanatic · 06/01/2022 23:20

Does she want market rates or a minimal amount? May be she is looking for some personal spending money.

LouBan · 07/01/2022 00:01

My mum was living with us when my DD was born having just immigrated from South Africa. She was looking for her own place, found somewhere and was able to move in when my DD was 5 months old. My mum was a huge help with my DD while living with us but she still contributed to the bills, groceries etc. So I think it's very strange your mum doesn't contribute and wants to be paid for looking after your son. It is obviously creating an awkward situation so maybe best to send him to nursery/childminder.

SammyScrounge · 07/01/2022 00:30

@Zonder

Firstly point out that as soon as she is Ofsted registered you will pay her.

Secondly tell her that as the amount you would owe her for childcare is less than the rent and living costs she owes you, you will prepare a bill for her.

Then look for a nursery and give her some housing ads.

Dismissing your mother like a badly behaved servant will not improve the situation. Better to have a grown up talk in which both sides explain their thoughts and feelings. It may be that both parties are feeling exploited. No one here on Mumsnet knows the full story.

daretodenim · 07/01/2022 00:47

I think she's out of order saying this now - and being upset in some way that you didn't offer to pay her!

However, I also used to know people who lived abroad and wanted to have retired grandparents around. So they came up with a formal contract and paid what they'd have paid daycare/nanny to grandparents. That way gps could afford to live there plus got to be with grand child. The GPS divided the days between them, so it wasn't 5 full days for either and on the days off the free one was out doing art classes, socialising etc.

MammaMacgill87 · 07/01/2022 01:07

I genuinely can't get past some of these comments. This is your mother who birthed and raised you, the woman that stood by and taught you all your values, currently the woman you've taken in, in her old age. So so many posters branding her as cheap or cheeky, accepting room and board and DARING to ask for reimbursement for looking after a new born baby? I genuinely find this disturbing. Wtf is wrong with you all? Looking after a newborn even at 9 months is fucking hard work, not to mention if you are a pensioner. If you've been taken In to your adult child's home.we are bound to assume there's a disability or inability to effectively care for themselves alone. So there's no bill or rent to pay? So what, this is an elderly parent that raised you, for free, with love. All of a sudden you push out a sprog and thats your mother's concern? Why? To watch and care for, for free? Why. Out of gratitude and love we should offer our parents free room and board, they are not our slaves or free childcare, they are our older generation deserving of care and rest. So many people her branding and elderly mother as cheeky or a free loader. Honestly wtf is wrong with you people? I hope.you all get frail and old and judged as less than worthy, usless for rearing kids and thrown in a home, waste your retirement money on fees and leave nothing to your ungrateful selfish kids. Jesus whept this is just disgusting. I'm appalled, I don't even care who judges me at this point particularly on this thread. You all need a damn good shake and some self reflection

Ineke · 07/01/2022 02:52

If you had a live in au Pair, you would still have to pay them a small amount. Being that she is your mother it is a sensitive situation. Did she feel perhaps that you were taking her for granted that she would look after your dc regardless. Does she help out around the house? Does she have her own income, she will still be needing to pay bills on her own property. I do think it fair that if she is looking after your child on a regular basis that you should recompense her in some way, however, you will have to look into all the legal guidelines, Ofsted etc. if you want a less casual arrangement.

Ineke · 07/01/2022 03:00

By recompense I mean pay her. It’s her time she is giving you, when you are her age, time is precious and she may well have other things that she would prefer to do with her time than giving it up for free child care. I think it rather cheeky of you to assume that she would want to do that for the love of it especially as you and DH are both working and she is not helping out as you are financially in a tight spot.

Nanof8 · 07/01/2022 04:20

Does she have any income? Maybe this is her way of having a bit of cash to buy things without having to ask you to cover her expenses.

I would ask her what she thinks a fair amount to be paid would be.
I personally don't get paid for watching my grandchildren, that is my choice though.
My mother also looked after my children without charging. That is just how our family works it doesn't work for everyone. I have friends who pay their parents for childcare.

If you do pay her for childcare I wouldn't automatically start charging her room and board. she is your mom and unless it would a hardship for you not to charge don't.

feistymumma · 07/01/2022 06:09

@5128gap

I paid my mum. If it wasn't for her not only would we gave lost short term income but also opportunities to build our careers. She had DC when they were ill at undociable hours, and at short notice and looked after them with the love and care they would not have got in professional setting. The money I paid enabled her to have a few extra luxuries and was worth every penny and more to me.

I would pay my mum too, just a token of appreciation as it is a lot of work looking after a baby. I find it exhausting and that is my own child. The convenience of waking up and just going to work, no need to get baby ready or wake up the baby etc.

I also cannot fathom asking my actual mum to pay rent and heating etc. She raised me to be the person I am now and there is nothing on this earth that would make me charge her even if she lived with us full time. In my culture you just cannot do this.

feistymumma · 07/01/2022 06:12

@MammaMacgill87

I genuinely can't get past some of these comments. This is your mother who birthed and raised you, the woman that stood by and taught you all your values, currently the woman you've taken in, in her old age. So so many posters branding her as cheap or cheeky, accepting room and board and DARING to ask for reimbursement for looking after a new born baby? I genuinely find this disturbing. Wtf is wrong with you all? Looking after a newborn even at 9 months is fucking hard work, not to mention if you are a pensioner. If you've been taken In to your adult child's home.we are bound to assume there's a disability or inability to effectively care for themselves alone. So there's no bill or rent to pay? So what, this is an elderly parent that raised you, for free, with love. All of a sudden you push out a sprog and thats your mother's concern? Why? To watch and care for, for free? Why. Out of gratitude and love we should offer our parents free room and board, they are not our slaves or free childcare, they are our older generation deserving of care and rest. So many people her branding and elderly mother as cheeky or a free loader. Honestly wtf is wrong with you people? I hope.you all get frail and old and judged as less than worthy, usless for rearing kids and thrown in a home, waste your retirement money on fees and leave nothing to your ungrateful selfish kids. Jesus whept this is just disgusting. I'm appalled, I don't even care who judges me at this point particularly on this thread. You all need a damn good shake and some self reflection

👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 the views I have read on here are mind boggling. To ask your own parent to pay rent, food etc. I am completely speechless. I agree with everything you have said.

gamerchick · 07/01/2022 06:20

There's no way in hell I'm going to impose on my kids when I'm elderly. Now that's a selfish thing to expect. Some people seem to have kids so they can be babysat in their advancing years

SarahJanes1854 · 07/01/2022 08:28

I have a nanny. Nannies do not work for board, they work for a fair wage. Asking some one to work for you and in exchange providing a roof over their head is modern day slavery. If you had this arrangement with some one who was not family, you would be charged with owning a slave. Pay her.

MiracleBaby2022 · 07/01/2022 08:30

@MammaMacgill87 I couldn't agree with you more, but I didn't realise she was old and frail. In which case she shouldn't be babysitting anyway. Perhaps the original post just gave out (unwittingly) the wrong idea about her mother hence a lot of negativity on here. The written word is so easy to misinterpret. I'd certainly have my own mother come and stay and I would look after her as and when (and if) the time comes that she needs me.

BellaChagall · 07/01/2022 09:15

We don't know that she is old and frail. I asked earlier how old she is but the OP didn't reply.

jannier · 07/01/2022 09:32

[quote MiracleBaby2022]@MammaMacgill87 I couldn't agree with you more, but I didn't realise she was old and frail. In which case she shouldn't be babysitting anyway. Perhaps the original post just gave out (unwittingly) the wrong idea about her mother hence a lot of negativity on here. The written word is so easy to misinterpret. I'd certainly have my own mother come and stay and I would look after her as and when (and if) the time comes that she needs me. [/quote]
The op said mum has her own home abroad ( so still has those outgoings) she's retired ( so limited income possibly at a rate of a much cheaper economy so may not be enough to pay both housing there and are high costs of everyday items) came for a short stay to help but has now been a tear while being used for childcare and op agrees taken for granted on occasion, op is now returning to work full time and thinks if mum wants paying should use a nursery rather than pay mum anything.....which reads op wants full time childcare in return for feeding mum....household bills do rise massively by having 1 extra person.