Just been Lectured to by one of my mindees parents! Need to rant

[saltire]

Sorry, this is a bit of rant but i need to get it out of my system. I have just had a lecture from one of my mindees parents about me using "loud and intimidating" voice tones whne talking to his dd!!!!!!

Apparently one of his wifes friends overheard me shouting at the mindee last week, and told the parents. Then later the same day, the mindees Gran had heard me shouting at her. Apparently they don't raise their voice to her because it s
"threatening" "Unco-opertive" "aggressive" etc etc.
Well i did shout at the child, twice, for the following reason

She is a child who goes around in a dream everything takes for ever with her, the 6 minute walk to school takes 20 minutes on the days i have her. Well, on the way to school, which is when the granny heard, we had crossed the road, and X had stopped, in the middle of the road, and was singing and dancing going lalalalalala. I got over the other side, and shouted "X, get off the road", no response, shes still going lalalalala.I had to adandon my 2 ds, double buggy and toddler on roadside and go back into middle of raod to get her.

On the way home from school, again with 2 ds, double buggy and toddler, the rain came on suddenly. We were all standing round in the rain like idiots whilst she's dancing round the trees in the playground, an still going lalalalala. I shouted at her to come on, she did eventually, but i had to aske her three times and then go and grab her hand. I told her that we had all got wet standing around waiting for her.

At this rate i'm the one whos going lala. The dad wasn't pepared to listen to what i had to say and told me that they left thier daughter with me and expected me to treat her the same as i would treat my own. Well if my two were standing in the middle of the road i would shout at them too.
I am really angry, but now i have written it all down i can calm down a bit now, and take deep breaths. Sorry for ranting, i just get so fed up with childminding sometimes

How old is she?

I would have done exactly the same as you! This child sounds like she needs a good kick up the backside!!!!! How old is she? If she is walking that slowly and stopping in the middle of the road i would make her hold on to buggy until she speeds up or is more reponsible.

Parent is totally out of order IMHO. I expect my childminder to discipline my dd just as I would, especially about safety. She's only 17 months at the moment but I'm sure a few shouts will be necessary when she reaches 2 . Hope you feel better for ranting.

How old is she? If she isn't at school then maybe you should tell her she'll be tied up with reins if not.

I'd wait till you see the parents next and explain - calmly - the situation. They should put safety before tone of voice!

I think one of my mindees mum thinks I'm a little harsh - for fighting throwing toys etc mindees (and ds!) are sat on the step for 1 or 2 minutes, slapping punching or anything horrible like biting results in bed for 5 minutes. She tends to pick them up and cuddle them while saying 'dont do that', but she must think I'm doing a good job because she hasn't said anything! Apart from once asking curiously 'how often does ds go to bed??'

I'm afraid I'm with the parents.
i don't think i would shout at my own children for that behavior, tbh. Not as a first reaction, maybe never. I would forcibly move her & start offering treats or making threats, though.
It would bother me if childminder shouted at my child under those circs. If you did shout I'd want you to tell me, and say sorry but best I could do at the time. If you can't think of a better tactic ask parents to suggest what would work better (since it's their child who they presuambly understand better).
One thing that bothers me is that your mindee sounds like a SN child who I know, who really can't help but be in dreamland. She wasn't recognised as such until she got to school, though.

She's 4 and a half,I try to get her hold onto the buggy, if only so we can go a bit faster, but she told me today "My mummy and daddy told me i'm a big girl now so i don't want to hold on".
At the risk of sounding like a total cow, the parents aren't the brightest bulbs in the box, which i think rubs off a bit on the child. She lies a lot as well, she tells them that i won't give her a snack during the hour (8-9) that she comes in the morning, she tells me that they haven't given her any breakfast.

I asked how old she is because i wondered if she is old enough to be doing this walk without holding on to your hand / buggy. Yes, she sounds a dreamer . dawdler, but many many young children are, and it sounds to me as if the issue is having too many kids of a young age to be walking like this. Is there a way of re-arranging them so that you can get them all there without shouting at her?

Sorry to be blunt.

x-posted.

Are your 2 ds's IN the buggy, or are there another 2 in the buggy?

Omega2 - 'This child sounds like she needs a good kick up the backside' - not very helpful...
I would sit down with the parents and talk to them calmly about the situation and ask them to explain again what they are unhappy about

Find it hard to believe people wouldn't shout to a child dancing about in the road to get out of the road. I suppose what one would call a "shout" another would call a "call".

I'd be unhappy if someone shouted at my child. I don't and manage perfectly well, so I wouldn't expect anyone else to.

I think you need to think of different tactics to keep her moving. A sticker chart for getting to school within a specified time period etc.

I think the problem is that some people are just shouters and some aren;t. I suspect it is quite hard to change either way! I think perhaps the mindees parents need to find someone in the no shouting school. That way everyone is happy!

my ds are 8 and 6. The two in the buggy are twins, age 2, and the toddler, who i don't have every morning is three. Child X is 4 1/2, and at school. I live litterally around the corner from the school, out my door, up the street, cross the road ( not a busy main road) and round the corner.
I know a lot of kids dawdle, and this one really does, but i felt that in the circumstances ie i had asked her twice to get off the road, i had to shout to get her attention, she just doesn't listen. At 41/2 a child is old enough, i feel to be able to walk beside a buggy without holding on.
They seem to be unhappy about the fcact that i shouted at her. They don't seem to have grasped the fact that she was in the middle of the road, and would not move.

TBH - I'd be as worried about the fact that she was in the middle of the road as well!

I think a bit more shepherding is required here, or M&D need to find someone who has less children to look after who can hold hands with her.

I can see that it is infuriating that she won't co-operate, but I hold my 4.5 year-olds hand when we cross the road because I can't be certain that he won't be distracted by the need to do a quick dance routine half way across. He does walk much quicker and better if he is holding hands.

I still stop to take my DS(5yo) hand crossing the road, and he'll often still walk most of the time holding my hand. With DD(7) I always make sure she is right next to me and tell her when to cross. Sometimes I let them take turns in telling me when it is safe to cross - depends how busy the road is.

I think I would stop just before the kerb, ask her to hold on to buggy just to cross teh road and then set off. When she gets to the other side she can just let go.

Leaving the house 10 mins earlier might be the answer, that way you've built in doddling time rather than feeling you;re up against the clock IYSWIM!

She used to hold my hand when crossing the road, and held onto it all the way to school (or she would hold onto the buggy). Since Christmas though, she keeps telling me she is a big girl, and doesn't want to hold on. I did mention this to the dad, and his reply was
"well she is a big girl now, we are so proud of her, she can put her coat on by herself now, she learned over Christmas. We don't make her hold our hand, she's big enough to walk besdie us because shes our special big girl" This is word for word what he said. I feel sometimes i'm banging my head off a wall. thanks for your comments, even the ones who said i shouldn't have shouted.

It does sound as if there is a mood of general upset, which must be horrid for you.
Could you explain that it isn't practical for her NOT to hold on when she is with you, and for health and safety, would they tell her that she should co-operate, when she is with you? Then they might see the connection with the shouting! It is unfair that they undermine you if you are trying to get her to hold on.

So 6 kids on some days? I know I wouldnt feel that she was safe if she wasnt holding my hand near a road (given that shes prone to running off/lagging behind).

Serious chat with parents on oder I think. Its you thats going to cop it if there is ever an accident.

Saltire I can totally see your frustration, but at the same time I can see other points here and I think the parents aren't helping matters tbh.

I would talk to the parents again regarding this matter and explain that you did indeed shout and you apoligise for that, but that by refusing to hold your hand or buggy to go to school is putting their DD's life in danger. I would tell them that the rules when their DD is with you is that she HAS to hold hands/buggys whenever you are near a road. If they are not prepared to help you with this and be consistant, then I would feel perhaps you are minding the wrong child.

With the lying, I would ask the parents in front of the child when they drop off if they have fed her breakfast. Do this everytime and she will soon see she cannot lie to both of you.

saltire - Some of my mindies are used to running free with their parents. I explain to parents that they only have one (or 2/3) children to watch - its easier to run after/grab their child if necessary. I have a huge responsibility for each of the children in my care to ensure their safety & I insist on hand holding until they can show they can walk sensibly.

I put everyone in pairs (the most likely to run off/not listen holds my hand). Under fives hold my hand or the buggy.

Some mindies don't like it at first, but if you are firm & consistent they get used to doing things a little different at the childminders just as they have to learn different routines at preschool and school.

Just a wee update. have just met child X and her granny, who was picking her up from school. X was way in front of the granny, and had gone onto the road, doing her usual lalalaling. Granny then shouted at X to get off the road! On the way past i said to her
"its so difficult when they just run off isn't it?"
Perhaps i should tell parents that i saw the granny using "intimidating" and "threatning" tones to teh child.

Is this the same Granny who told the parents they had overheard you??

I would defineatly have that conversation with teh parents ASAP

It does sound as though this little girl has some issues with attention/living in her own little world.

I really would not be happy if anyone shouted at either of my children. I personally don't think it's very professional and once you have got to the stage of shouting you've lost control.