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Original poster

Just been Lectured to by one of my mindees parents! Need to rant

215 replies

saltire · 23/01/2006 14:24

Sorry, this is a bit of rant but i need to get it out of my system. I have just had a lecture from one of my mindees parents about me using "loud and intimidating" voice tones whne talking to his dd!!!!!!

Apparently one of his wifes friends overheard me shouting at the mindee last week, and told the parents. Then later the same day, the mindees Gran had heard me shouting at her. Apparently they don't raise their voice to her because it s
"threatening" "Unco-opertive" "aggressive" etc etc.
Well i did shout at the child, twice, for the following reason

She is a child who goes around in a dream everything takes for ever with her, the 6 minute walk to school takes 20 minutes on the days i have her. Well, on the way to school, which is when the granny heard, we had crossed the road, and X had stopped, in the middle of the road, and was singing and dancing going lalalalalala. I got over the other side, and shouted "X, get off the road", no response, shes still going lalalalala.I had to adandon my 2 ds, double buggy and toddler on roadside and go back into middle of raod to get her.

On the way home from school, again with 2 ds, double buggy and toddler, the rain came on suddenly. We were all standing round in the rain like idiots whilst she's dancing round the trees in the playground, an still going lalalalala. I shouted at her to come on, she did eventually, but i had to aske her three times and then go and grab her hand. I told her that we had all got wet standing around waiting for her.

At this rate i'm the one whos going lala. The dad wasn't pepared to listen to what i had to say and told me that they left thier daughter with me and expected me to treat her the same as i would treat my own. Well if my two were standing in the middle of the road i would shout at them too.
I am really angry, but now i have written it all down i can calm down a bit now, and take deep breaths. Sorry for ranting, i just get so fed up with childminding sometimes

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crunchie · 23/01/2006 16:09

But there is shouting and 'calling loudly'. If my dd was in the middle of the road I would call her, then if she ignored me I would call more sharply, then if I were ignored I would probably shout. If she is ignoring the CM totally and 'tuning out' then sometimes the shout is what is needed to get attention. Saltire didn;t necessarily shout nastily IYKWIM

HappyMumof2 · 23/01/2006 16:15

Message withdrawn

IckleB · 23/01/2006 16:33

Maybe it is because the child has never been shouted at that she gets away with her dangerous behaviour tbh I really think she needs to be told and firmly. I try to talk to my eldest dd rationally and always have tried to keep my temper but when it comes to things like this its not always easy. All it would take is someone driving too fast or not paying attention whilst driving and then her parents would have something quite different to say. I know childminders who look after as many children as you do and i think we should all leave it up to ofsted to decide on these numbers as they have met you and registered you etc...., it sounds as though the numbers are fine if X would co-operate. What happens at school? do her parents tell the teachers they can't shout at her? In most situations a little chat can be the answer and whenever possible I think thats the way to go but if X was my child and lalalaing in the road you would definitely have my permission

Original poster
saltire · 23/01/2006 16:40

happymumof2, i don't always have 6 children in the mornings, mostly its just my, plus 2 mindees.
I think some people on here think i totally lost it with child x and screamed at her. I didn't, however i did raise my voice as my main concern was the fact that she was lalalaing in the middle of the road, and despite asking her, she wouldn't move. However it seems that it was unprofessional of me to be concerned about her getting knocked over by a car.
The second incident again involved me raising my voice, along the lines of "X will you please come here now as we are all getting wet waiting for you".
If my child was in the middle of the road and not moving then i hope whoever was looking after him would raise their voice at him to get him to move.

OP posts:
starlover · 23/01/2006 16:41

i would be appalled if a childminder had been shouting at my ds

and i'd be worried if i found out he had been left to stand in the middle of the road!
sorry, but you don't just cross a road and THEN realise that you've left one on it!

oops · 23/01/2006 16:44

Message withdrawn

Blandmum · 23/01/2006 16:47

Just as an aside, I desagree that shouting means you have lost control per se. It may mean that you have lost control, but I have shouted to my children to come back, to stop doing x, whatever, to make sure that they can hear me, and have always been in control in these circumstances.

If the gran also shouts, and she was the one who complained to the parents, I think the child may well be geting mixed messages, this is one you need to sort out with the parents.

starlover · 23/01/2006 16:48

saltire i think you're missing the point... you say

However it seems that it was unprofessional of me to be concerned about her getting knocked over by a car.

No, it was unprofessional of you to be in a position where she was left in the middle of the road! sorry if that is harsh... but it's true!

you should insist on her holding your hand whilst crossing.

omega2 · 23/01/2006 17:16

I would make her hold on while crossing roads - despite what her parents say. I am a nanny and have some rules which are different to the parents and it doesn't hurt the children as they understand what i say happens. I insist the 4.5 year olds i look after hold on to the buggy everytime we cross a road even though they are very sensible and grown up girls.

sorry about my kick up the backside comment - it was a very fippent lighthearted remark that maybe i shouldn't have said but i am afraid that is me!

crunchie · 23/01/2006 17:22

Starlover, may I just make a point. Saltire asks the child to hold her hand/buggy, child says no 'she's a big girl now'. Saltire talks to the parents about holding hands, they say 'she doesn't need to hold hands, she's a big girl now'.

Now that puts Saltire in an impossible situation. Her rules are child X should hold hands, the parents of said mindee say she doesn't need to. Hence you end up with Child X lalalalaing in the middle of a road, and Saltire not being told off about leaving a child in teh road, but for shouting at the child to get it's attention to get out of the road.

crunchie · 23/01/2006 17:24

See Saltire's post here
'She used to hold my hand when crossing the road, and held onto it all the way to school (or she would hold onto the buggy). Since Christmas though, she keeps telling me she is a big girl, and doesn't want to hold on. I did mention this to the dad, and his reply was
"well she is a big girl now, we are so proud of her, she can put her coat on by herself now, she learned over Christmas. We don't make her hold our hand, she's big enough to walk besdie us because shes our special big girl" '

So how can you win??

starlover · 23/01/2006 17:24

but surely the safety of the hcild is the priority here.

if i was taking a 4.5 yr old across a road i would make her either hold onto the buggy or i would hold her arm, even if she didn't want me to.

it isn't enough to just say "she doesn't want to"... if a car had hit her would it still be the child's fault?????

starlover · 23/01/2006 17:25

even if it means a talk with the parents again... just to point out that it's easier if there is the 2 of them and just her to make sure she is safe.
but when she is with saltire then she HAS to hold on, because she has other kids to consider and can't just dash after her

Hulababy · 23/01/2006 17:28

I think that, no matter what has passed as that can no longer be changed, the time has come to make sure that this little girl ALWAYS has to hold your hand or onto the buggy when crossing a road. TBH I don't think a 4yo is old enough to cross without doing so. At 4yo they have no road safety at all and they do daydream and go into their own world.

DD's nursery will only ever take out 2 children per adult out at a time, to ensure that each child is holding an adults hand whilst on or near roads. Think this makes sense. I wouldn't be happy with anything else.

I also think the parents are not helping by telling you that she doesn't have to - lay down your rules or say they may need to consider alternative child care. However I do think the parents have a right to be upset at their daughter (a) being in the middle of a road on her own and (b) being shouted at by a professional child carer.

crunchie · 23/01/2006 17:30

Yeah but the parents are not helping Saltire by backing her up and saying teh child has to hold on. They say she doesn't. The child gets the message she doesn't have to hold on.

As a parent you maynot agree with shouting, but my kids know if their CM takes them home they HAVE to hold hands, with me they know they don't HAVE to. But I still ensure they know that with the CM they must. I think this is why Saltire is in an impossible situation.

Hulababy · 23/01/2006 17:30

Oh and if the child refuses to hold hands/hold on when asked, then make her hold hands. Hold her hand firmly (but without excess force) and tell her this is the way it is. And make sure the parents know the rules - tell them if she won't/they don't supprort they need to look elsewhere. I am afraid crossing the road on their own at 4 isn't on IMO - too much risk involved.

crunchie · 23/01/2006 17:31

And the parents weren't cross at teh child being left in teh road, it was about Saltire Shouting.

Blandmum · 23/01/2006 17:31

I think that the parents are putting you in a near impossible situation if they do not support you in getting the child to hold your hand or the buggy. I don't think that they realise that looking after multiple children needs a tighter level of control than coping with one or two.
If they can't get her to comply, and will not let you grab her by the hand, they may well have to look at other forms of child care that meet their particular needs.

Hulababy · 23/01/2006 17:32

Then the time may have come to give them the alternative - follow childminder's rules (i.e. holdin on) or find alternative child care. Simialrly if they don't like the shouting/raised voices then maybe this is the wrong childminder for them.

Clayhead · 23/01/2006 17:36

Hula, that ratio (1:2) is a legal requirement for 4 year olds out with nursery/Pre-School, with good reason I think!

Personally, I think mindees parents need to be told you will be holding her hand but don't know how easy telling them is in practice, if they don't agree.

misdee · 23/01/2006 17:40

i would just say to the parentsthat when X is with me, she WILL hold hands or i wont be looking after her anymore. whilst she is in my care then i will decide when she is old enough not to hold hands/buggy as i dont want to resposible for your wonderful special big girl being knocked over by a car. i have other childrens safety to consider as well as your dd's.

rummum · 23/01/2006 17:47

I just wondered what is the legal child/adult ratio for a childminder?

HappyMumof2 · 23/01/2006 17:48

Message withdrawn

ssd · 23/01/2006 17:49

saltire, sorry if this has been asked, but if you have 4 under 5 is that allowed?

I'm a c/mider registered for 3 under 5, I was told this was the legal limit?

sorry if you've answered this already!!

agalch · 23/01/2006 17:49

Saltire i would get parents round for a friendly chat and lay down the ground rules,eg holding buggy all the way to school etc.I wouldn't be leaving 10 minutes early just so she can dawdle and lalala.I would tell parents for safety reasons for the child and your other mindees she must hold on.Noone has said what might have hapened to other mindees who you had to leave at the other side of the road.If parents dont agree to back you up i would give notice,the buck stops with you if the child gets herself knocked down.I have had children refuse to tidy up because they say that mummy or daddy say its my job cos i get paid enough!! i wish i got paid enough lol