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Original poster

Life Dilemma : pregnant with no 3 accidentally

118 replies

ginso · 02/01/2006 08:57

Am facing big decision: after 2 IVF babies (first time round in each case) have now got accidentally pregnant - 6 weeks. Am 41 this year and have a 10 month old and a 3.5 year old. Am just back to work and getting life back to normal. Not at all sure what to do - but with 2 boys, might end up with a girl (which would be ace). What shall I do?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

nannyme · 03/01/2006 15:01

On the troll subject, I was horrified at the suggestion that this kind of thing is a troll-like topic. Glad it isn't, but I did go on to think that even it were and had been in the past - who cares?

The point is it generates useful and healthy debate. On that note, Auntyfatasbutter, of course your view is welcome along with everyone else. And, yes opinions were sought, but you have posted here repeatedly as to your views on termination with a smug and unsympathetic approach at times, imo. Sorry to be blunt, especially as a relative newbie but I cannot bear the thought of anybody being shamed into not making a decision on something so personal as Termination.

Auntyfatasbutter · 04/01/2006 17:48

soupdragon..I did say that ginso couldnt help it!

nutcracker · 04/01/2006 21:23

I have to say I am a bit shocked at this thread really, even though I have had a termination.

I discovered I was pregnant when Dd2 was 3mths old. It wasn't planned and I was recieving medication and counselling for PND. I wanted the baby but everyone around me thought it was a bad idea, and so I had a termination.
I bitterly regret it even though I have had another child since.

TBH your reasons for not having the baby seem slightly trivial (needed a different word there but couldn't think of it).

hercules · 04/01/2006 21:30

But they might be trivial to one person but be completely justified reasons to another. I feel a bit sad that ginso has had so many posts which could cause someone to be guilt tripped into having an unwanted baby. Not that I suppose for a moment anyone would base their decision on mumsnet. I guess I am just so prochoice for women.

stitch · 05/01/2006 08:13

ive had three unplanned pregnancies. now have three annoying people.

WideWebWitch · 05/01/2006 08:20

nutcracker, I think trivial is probably the totally wrong word to use here. No-one is suggesting ginso take this lightly. Just because you regret a termination (and I'm sorry that you do)it doesn't mean that someone else will. As you can see below, I don't in the slightest. But just because I don't doesn't mean I can't understand that other people might feel regret iyswim. Why are you shocked? This is mumsnet, there will always (rightly) be breadth of opinion on any given subject.

Ginso, how are you?

mummytosteven · 05/01/2006 08:35

IIRC most women that have terminations already have children, and so are likely to be in a similar position to Ginso. This type of dilemma must actually be terribly common. Best of luck with whatever you decide.

nightowl · 05/01/2006 08:48

i only had one child when i fell pregnant again and there was every reason to not have another. in fact, when i was clearing out the other day i found a list i had made, for and against. the against column was full, the for, no argument really. but i did have the baby (after booking a termination twice) and im very glad i did. my doctor said to me "yes, it may not be logical for you to have this baby (knowing my situation), but what do you really want?"

its your choice but i just wanted you to know that it can work out even if everything seems bleak right now.

kreamkrackers · 05/01/2006 09:33

i fell pregnant accidentally with my dd, now 20 months. i was 19 when i had her. she has loads of health problems due to a chromosone abnormality but i'm still so glad she's here as we very nearly lost her on a number of occassions after she was born. she is continuosly in and out of hospital but she is the most pleasent, happiest child i've ever come across (and i'm not just saying that cos she's mine!) if she ever cries (which is extremely rare) i know there's something wrong with her. i know it's a hard decision but i'd say keep it, you'll be able to cope with anything life throws at you and from what you've wrote already i think you'd regret not keeping the baby.

nutcracker · 05/01/2006 09:40

I stand by what I said, i think the reasons are trivial. I also think ginso's comment 'not sure at all what to do - but with 2 boys, might end up with a girl (which would be ace) ' is awful. So if she knew it were a girl that would make having it ok ?

kezziejane · 05/01/2006 10:03

We fell pregnant with DS3 (already have 2 DS aged 8 and 3) last year, he is now 5 months old. We found out we were pregnant two weeks before my husbands vascectomy appt came through! We were definitely only planning for two children.

I have polycystic ovarian syndrome so that made it more difficult for me to conceive AND I also still had the coil in when we found out we were expecting no 3! So, despite all odds, no 3 was obviously meant to be!

I think my mother-in-law was most disappointed when we had yet another boy (she has 6 grandsons) but my sister-in-law has since balanced that out by having a girl on christmas eve!

My husband had his vascectomy in June, a month before DS3 was born and we haven't regretted it (a more minor operation than female sterilisation).

I love DS3 (and the other 2 as well) to bits and he has been my most challenging by far - he's very stubborn and I had problems bf him (even though I didn't with the other 2) and we are still bf at 5 months (and I'm proud to have bulldozered through the hard parts).

I wouldn't change anything for the world now BUT you have to decide what is best for you and your family and go with that decision.

Good luck - I hope you make a decision that is right for you.

SoupDragon · 05/01/2006 10:28

I think that calling someone else's reasons for a termination "trivial" is appallingly rude and thoughtless. Especially if you've been through a termination yourself and know just what coming to that decision means.

The OP wanted advice/support not to have other people's morals rammed down her throat and her worries dismissed as "trivial".

Pa!

PiccadillyCircus · 05/01/2006 12:41

This time last year I found out I was pregnant with an unplanned pregnancy. DH and I thought seriously about having an abortion and it was very hard.

In the end we kept the baby who is now a lovely 15 week old.

I wish you good luck as well - it isn't an easy situation.

Auntyfatasbutter · 05/01/2006 12:54

just looking to see ig ginso has come back to us at all?
Maybe we have been 'had'

kreamkrackers · 05/01/2006 13:03

what do you mean by 'had'?

oliveoil · 05/01/2006 13:08

If I fell pregnant now, not one part of me would want another baby, I can just about cope with 2 and would find it financially crippling.

But I don't know if I could ever contemplate an abortion, I really don't think I could.

What a dilemma for you, but I agree with someone further down, maybe you should go with fate on this one?

There is an article in Eve this month on this very subject that made me all teary eyed on the bus this morning.

nutcracker · 05/01/2006 13:14

I think thinking possibly you may actually keep it if it was a particular sex is appalling , and yes I do know what it is like to come to that desicion and had my main probs been, the fact that I was just getting my life back or had given baby stuff away then my desicion would have been different.

Aloha · 05/01/2006 13:16

I cannot imagine having a termination for social reasons - though that's because I secretly yearn for a larger family that I can't afford or - probably - cope with! But I can understand it for other people.

Beetrootfultoyourself · 05/01/2006 13:24

what a difficult situation to be in ginso.

I have four children, 3 boys and a girl at the end. I took the monring after pill with dd and she was a strong little one and refused to budge. So now I have a wonderful daughter.

Having siad that whenI became unexpectidly pregnant with ds3, I was desperate for a little girl. When he was born, it was like an angel had come into my house.

Beetrootfultoyourself · 05/01/2006 13:25

If I fell pregnant now I would be very very very unhappy (I am 42) and not sure what I would do

hercules · 05/01/2006 17:10

Why would you think this was a troll??

I had an abortion when I first got together with dh. I was in the final year at University and have absolutely no regrets at all.

You do what you think is right for you.

PiccadillyCircus · 05/01/2006 17:25

I read the article in Eve as well and it made me cry. Felt very close to how I was last year.

WideWebWitch · 05/01/2006 21:48

Well nutcracker, remind me to use the word 'trivial' to describe your viewpoint on something one of these days and then see how you feel. I think your use of the word is inappropriate on this thread so I guess we'll have to agree to disagree.

I thought about ginso too when I read the article in Eve today.

nannyme · 05/01/2006 23:06

Not one of us is going to hit on the 'right' solution here unless we accept there is only one decision when it comes to abortion.

I hope that in these times that we are generally rather more open minded than that, even those of us who consider putting one's own life as a mother first as 'trivialising' things.

Whether it be the life of our partner, our existing children, ourselves or our unborn baby, faced with an unplanned and/or unwanted pregnancy one or some of those lives will be affected negatively whichever way we choose.

Those that have their minds all made up, lucky you. I suspect that even for the women who have chosen termination and regretted it and who now claim they would choose differently when faced with the real situation once more would deliberate anxiously, as I know I would.

However convinced of your choices you think you are, however strongly you believe there isn't a choice to be made, remember that life doesn't exist without sacrifice and it is that which for many of us makes this a painful...shut your eyes if you can't accept it...CHOICE.

Auntyfatasbutter · 06/01/2006 08:50

I am sorry you seem to all think I am insensitive with my opinion. I just feel like many others there are no real reasons not to have this baby other than an inconvenience. I know the choice will be difficult to make and feel for anyone having to make this choice. I can only say that my opinion stands..
It would be nice to have some feed back from Ginso herself

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