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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

Life Dilemma : pregnant with no 3 accidentally

118 replies

ginso · 02/01/2006 08:57

Am facing big decision: after 2 IVF babies (first time round in each case) have now got accidentally pregnant - 6 weeks. Am 41 this year and have a 10 month old and a 3.5 year old. Am just back to work and getting life back to normal. Not at all sure what to do - but with 2 boys, might end up with a girl (which would be ace). What shall I do?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

hercules · 02/01/2006 10:14

oops

Auntybrandybutter · 02/01/2006 10:22

True..but not for me

sadwoman · 02/01/2006 10:23

I was told I could not conceive naturally and had two assisted births. Many years later I became pregnant naturally - it was a big shock. After a lot of discussion with dh we decided that it would be wrong to have an abortion after trying so hard to have the first 2. dh said he would support whatever I felt was right as the main burden would fall on me. dd2 is now 3. I have bitterly regretted my decision. I feel my life has been ruined by having this child. She is lovely and loving and I would be devastated if anything happened to her now - but I wish I had never had her. There is no-one I can say this to, it seems so wicked to feel like this, but it is true. And I don't feel I can use my usual name to post this.

hercules · 02/01/2006 10:24

sadwoman- it doesnt make you wicked. That's how I would feel if I had another and I know I couldnt do it as I would consider my life to be a living hell after.

LadyTophamHatt · 02/01/2006 10:25

Blimey sadwoman>

I don't know what to say......

hercules · 02/01/2006 10:25

I love dd to bits but often dream of how my life would be if I hadnt had her especially as ds is nearly 10 and I would have so much freedom now.

Glitterygook · 02/01/2006 10:25

LadyTophamHatt · 02/01/2006 10:26

don't know what to say...in a non-judgemantal/nice way I should add!

Glitterygook · 02/01/2006 10:27

We really are all so different. That's why only the OP can make this decision. The decision one way or another would impact us all in such different ways.

hercules · 02/01/2006 10:29

agree there. We all feel fairly strongly but in different ways.

ithappenedtome · 02/01/2006 10:34

I can understand how you feel though as when my son was 2 months I accidentally got pregnant, I also had a 2 year old daughter and the pregnancy was very hard and my son was not a great sleeper, it was such a huge shock for the both of us and after a great deal of talking I had a termination. At the time it felt like the right thing to do and I had no regrets after. The way we looked at it was that we had 2 children who needed our full attention and believed that a third child would have denied them that. We also are not very patient and found the whole parenting thing very tiring and worrying and felt we would have harboured so much resentment towards the new child that it just wouldn't be fair.

The only times I thought about what we had done was when it came around to when it should have been born and then birthdays etc....I feel sad knowing that now I would have a little 2 year old running around too.

Very hard decision to make but I believe you should do what you feel is right for your family you have.

daisiesinaline · 02/01/2006 10:43

I know someone who had twins by IVF and then fell pregnant naturally. They had another baby when the twins were just one year old. They feel blessed. Everyone is different.

I suppose the question you need to ask ginso, is would you ever regret having that child more than you would regret having an abortion.

Another friend of mind said 'You never regret having a child but would regret not having one" and up til sadwoman's post I had never heard anyone say that have regretted having a child. Poor u sadwoman by the way, but hey just think your No 3 may be some fantasic scientist one day and invent some amazing medicine or something!!!

Original poster

ginso · 02/01/2006 10:45

Dear Sadwoman - so sorry to hear of your experience. Thanks for being so honest. How does your child impact your life, can I ask??

OP posts:

vickiyumyum · 02/01/2006 10:53

i am currently 29 weeks pg with no3 and what a big mistake that is! we had said after 2 that we didn't want anymore, and we both went to the gp for sterilisation, but were refused on the grounds that we were too young and only had 2 children!

it actually took a while to confirm the pg as well as numerous tests came up negative and it was only with t blood test that it was confirmed, by which stage i was already 17 weeks!!! imo too late to consider any other optiuons, even if we had wanted too. personally i did think about it but realised quite quickly that i couldn't do it, not that i disagree with termination in principle, just that i couldn't do it, and like sparklymieow, also briefly contemplated having ti adopted.#
anyway to cut this short, i went for my scan to find out exactly just how pg i was and from the first moment that i saw no3 on that screen, i knew that somehow this one was meant to be. oh and as an added bonus we have been told at the 20 week scan that it is a girl, although trying not to build my hopes up too much just in case they are wrong, am having another scan at 34 weeks to check growth as dates are uncertian and will ask again then what the sex is.

good luck with whatever decision you make ginso

sadwoman · 02/01/2006 10:56

My position is very different to yours - in that my older children were teenagers having difficult times and it is very hard swapping between parenting styles. And I feel like I've done the trips to the park, farm, seaside etc with a toddler and that I'm just going through the motions with dd2. I'm 47 with a 3yo - old enough to be mum to many of the other mothers at nursery.
daisiesinaline - I'd like to be the only one who feels this way as I wouldn't wish this on anyone - but I bet there are a few more like me who wouldn't / couldn't normally admit it.

Original poster

ginso · 02/01/2006 11:08

Vickiyumyum - do you have 2 boys then??

OP posts:

Auntybrandybutter · 02/01/2006 11:09

I have 3 older ones eldest child is 15 youngest 15months!
The give so much to each other!

Glitterygook · 02/01/2006 11:09

I bet it's handy having a 15 yr old around...or is it?!

daisiesinaline · 02/01/2006 11:18

My mum fell pregnant with me when she was 40. She had a 16 year old, 11 year old and a 7 year old. She requested an abortion but was refused.

She says now that I was her 'belated little blessing' and how glad she was that she had me. She said she did find it difficult as dragging around a baby/toddler/younger child and having a younger one did hold her back and she had done all the farms/parks etc too but she says in her later life (she is now 76), she is watching her family still grow (I have baby 9 months old) and sees her friends who stopped at 2 kids and thinks how much fuller her life is.

QE2 · 02/01/2006 11:21

Although I have never been in this situation, dh and I have duscussed what would happen if I accidentally fell pregnant with no.6. I can honestly say i wouldn't be over the moon but I wouldn't be able to terminate either. I do think that it would put a terrible strain on me and dh probbably to the point of us splitting.

I too have older kids and having A 14 year oldd dd is a godsend at times. Even ds1 at almost 12 is brilliant with the younger ones. Having said that, it is an awful strain juggling the different needs of almost teenagers and toddlers.

The older ones tend to get a bit left out as the littles ones take up so much physical energy which sometimes leaves me very low on the mental energy needed for older kids.

ginso, I would go with whatever your heart is telling you, if you can. Even if you make a logical, head decision now, i believe the heart will over rule that in years to come. You would need nerves of steel to cope with that. However, a friend of mine terminated and she only had one at the time aged 10 but felt her life was sorted enough and didn't want the bind of a baby again.

A tough decision, and I wish you all the best with it.

jenkel · 02/01/2006 13:31

I do feel for you and understand somewhat the way you feel. I had IVF treatment and thankfully conceived dd1. After having years of investigations and lots of messing about I didnt want to go through any more IVF, I was an only child so having just one didnt bother me. However, I fell pregnant naturally with dd2. Part of me was overjoyed, first we done it ourself and I loved being pregnant. But I was torn in half, I coudlnt see how I could love another as much as dd2 (all totally unfounded) and in my mind I was geared up to having just one. But now with an 18 month old and a 3 1/2 year old I would like another. But, dont think we will, I really think it would impact dd2 and it would make it more difficult to do things as a family. However, if I fell pregnant naturally part of me would be overjoyed and part of me would be quite worried. If it was me I would go ahead with the pregnancy, after going through what I went through there is no way I could get rid of a baby. But you have to do what suits you. Good luck in whatever you decide.

Auntybrandybutter · 02/01/2006 13:41

I have toddlers and teenagers and really dont see a problem. Yes sometimes life is a little demanding,but its fun. Yes I get cross tired stressed out, but would with just teenagers or just toddlers.
Little chubby hands feeling for yours is wonderful and big manly 15 year olds saying 'I love you' is wonderful too. wouldnt swap it for the world!

006 · 02/01/2006 13:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WideWebWitch · 02/01/2006 13:53

It sounds to me as if one of the hard things about being pregnant is that it wasn't the plan you had in your head: you say you've thrown out clothes with glee and gone back to work and I guess you are/were ready to move on. So this doesn't fit the picture you had in mind. I'd find this VERY hard too, I absolutely don't want any more (have a boy and a girl) and yet I think if I was pregnant again I'd find termination hard (not that it's ever easy) and would very likely have the baby. (I did have a termination btw in between my 2 and I don't regret it in the least.) What's your gut instinct? How do you feel when you look ahead to a baby and your other 2? And if it's a boy? Sod your work/team, none of their business imo! This will have more impact on you than them!

WideWebWitch · 02/01/2006 13:54

sadwoman, sorry you feel this way btw.

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