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Original poster

Life Dilemma : pregnant with no 3 accidentally

118 replies

ginso · 02/01/2006 08:57

Am facing big decision: after 2 IVF babies (first time round in each case) have now got accidentally pregnant - 6 weeks. Am 41 this year and have a 10 month old and a 3.5 year old. Am just back to work and getting life back to normal. Not at all sure what to do - but with 2 boys, might end up with a girl (which would be ace). What shall I do?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Auntybrandybutter · 02/01/2006 16:54

cant get this thread out of my head!!

motherinferior · 02/01/2006 17:47

Sadwoman, I'm sure you're not alone.

Ginso,I think WWW has summed it up for me - especially the necessity to think about if it's a boy. Does that change your feeling about it all?

It has to be your decision, but I would say please do not feel guilty if you decide you cannot feasibly go ahead with the pregnancy.

hercules · 02/01/2006 17:49

I agree about not feeling guilty if you decide not to go ahead with it.

motherinferior · 02/01/2006 17:52

And I have to say that I wouldn't feel another one would 'just slot into my life' - I don't think that's a bit too much of a gamble. You almost have to take, not necessarily the worst case scenario, but a realistically gritty one, and then pit that against the alternatives.

Many of the logistics, though, like work and childcare, can be sorted - I don't, myself, think that you should feel that it's a baby versus your job, if that worries you (it would worry me).

Aloha · 02/01/2006 18:02

I think if you go out to work babies don't just 'slot into' your life the way they do if you are at home. There is the loss of income, the childcare probs etc.
However, Ginso, you don't sound absolutely devastated by the news that you are pregnant, which seems to suggest to me that you don't actually want to have a termination. How amazing that you needed IVF twice, and then to get pregnant by accident!
Sadwoman - I feel very sad that you are finding it all so hard. Don't your older children help you with their baby sister?

Auntybrandybutter · 02/01/2006 18:45

I do feel for you having to face this, you really need to think hard. Can you face a termination just because its not convenient to have a baby?

TeddyRobinson · 02/01/2006 18:49

Aloha - I see your point but I'm not sure it's any easier to accept another baby into the home if you are a SAHP. Maybe you wanted to get back to work and another baby will delay it further? Plus, for me, an extra baby at home right now (already having 2 under 5 at home and one at school) would make an enormous impact on my daily life. If they were all going to nursery 5 days a week while I went to work, other than financial, what's the difference between putting two in or three? I still go to work for the day.

TeddyRobinson · 02/01/2006 18:49

Not trying to say that gonig to work and leaving 3 vs 2 in nursery is not hard - of course an extra baby brings extra pressure whatever your circumstances. The pressures are just different - that was the point I was trying to make

nannyme · 02/01/2006 20:47

AuntyBrandyButter, I think you have to let this one go. Of course this is not about convenience! if you find it so difficult to appreciate why someone may want to terminate in these circumstances then perhaps stay away from the thread?

I have been in similar circs more than once, although I have no IVF history. I chose to carry on with the pregnancy and was glad for that decision. Cruelly, when I was faced with having my fourth baby when I really didn't want to be I had a miscarriage after deciding early on that I would continue with the pregnancy. I was 16 weeks pregnant.

To many not in this position it is hard to understand the rationale for termination. Although I didn't choose this option in the end, I seriously considered it so I do understand.

Even the thought of getting fat again was a big factor in my decision. Shallow and selfish? I don't think so, these things are representative of overall doubt and lack of commitment to having a baby that you find yourself pregnant with.

Strength of mind and determination, including belief in your final choice will see you through so make sure the decision is YOURS and do not be swayed by others. That stands whatever you decide.

notasheep · 02/01/2006 21:07

Do what YOU want to do.YOU will be having the baby or not,so i dont think opinions from mums net should make any difference

sansouci · 02/01/2006 21:11

Please have the baby! None of my business but that's my heart talking, not reason. How would you feel about terminating the pregnancy? If it would be a relief... tough call but yours to make.

suedonim · 02/01/2006 23:31

I unexpectedly found I was pg with No4 when my other children were nine, 17 and 21 yrs old. It was quite a shock and I panicked somewhat when I found out. We were just at the stage where romantic holidays for dh and me were on the horizon etc and the idea of a baby was a upset to how we visualised our future. But dd2 duly arrived and everyone was besotted with her, family and friends. She's now nine and endlessly wonderful to us.

The worrying I did about our future was a waste of time because, irrespective of dd's arrival, our lives have changed in other, undreamed-of, ways. Dh has had the chance to work internationally and we've lived in Indonesia and are moving to W Africa this month, something that was not even a blip on the radar when I was pg with dd2. Life's a lottery, we've no way of telling what lies up ahead.

Auntyfatasbutter · 03/01/2006 10:15

Ginso asked for an opinion and i gave it..is that wrong?
I understand she got pregnant by accident and didnt think she could so it is unfortunate, but if you desperately dont want another child you do something before hand!
sorry for my opinion..but a life is a life. I would feel the same if it were my 13 year old daughter pregnant!

Kelly1978 · 03/01/2006 10:29

Hi ginso,

I fell pg accidentally when I already had a 2yo and a 4yo, and really didn't plan any more for at least a few years, if ever. I was jsut starting to get my life back and think about a career and I ended up with twins! It's hard work with them, and there are times when I do think how much easier life would be if I hadn't had them. I wouldn't be without them tho, and love them to bits. I love havign a big family and can't wait til they are all running around together. Having said that, we all have our limit, and I thnk if I fell pg again I would have to consider termination. I couldn't go through it again and I don't think it would be fair on the kids I have to have another one this early, as I know I wouldn't handle it well. You have to do what is right for you and your family.

SoupDragon · 03/01/2006 10:48

"if you desperately dont want another child you do something before hand!" Um, the OP needed IVF to conceive her first 2 children, don't you think she was entitled to think she could not conceive naturally??!

Yes, she asked for opinions but to keep shoving home the opinion that termination is wrong is not on. You can't force your own beliefs onto other people. Termination is not for me either, I'm certain I cuoldn't do it in anything other than exceptional circumstances but I am still pro-choice. You (and others! I'm not getting at you personally, honest ) posted your opinon and that should have been that.

fennel · 03/01/2006 11:11

I would agree with the others (MI and Aloha) - a third baby doesn't always just "slot in", especially if you are working and want to stay working. my 3rd was very much planned but still it was quite an upheaval to our lives. now she's 20 months she slots in very nicely but it wasn't totally easy having her, and she's the easiest baby around.

ginso i hope you work out what you really want. if i was pregnant again by accident now I'd probably terminate, much as i love my 3 it is enough.

expatinscotland · 03/01/2006 11:22

Ginso,
I hope you find peace in whatever you chose. Have you and your spouse made up a list of pros and cons? This is a really personal decision for you AND your family/spouse.

Enid · 03/01/2006 11:27

I agree with others who have said a third baby may not be the easiest thing in the world. I am currently pg with my 3rd after a bit of an accident (damn that French sun and wine) and I have to say sitting down last night and trying to work out maternity leave and pay and childcare was a nightmare.

Good luck in your decision. It seems like a real miracle to be pg after two lots of IVF so if I were in your position I would be tempted to feel that the hand of fate is in there somewhere!

I really hope this isn't a wind up btw, sorry to have to be the one to mention it.

welshboris · 03/01/2006 11:30

Enid OP has posted before.

Things must be bad on here if you think that someone would post about abortion to get a reaction, I really worry about MN sometimes

Enid · 03/01/2006 11:32

well they do get bad sometimes yes and I have been dragged in on more times than I care to imagine so sorry that I felt the need to mention it.

welshboris · 03/01/2006 11:34

Im not having a go Enid, its just sad that due to sad trolls a lot of us automatically think a poster is feeding us a line.

Thats the reason I stay away from certain threads, but i trust my gut instinct on this one

fairyjay · 03/01/2006 11:45

Ginso
You mentioned a 15 month gap between your youngest and a new arrival. My ds was 15 mths. when my (unplanned) dd arrived. We feel that they were sort of brought up together - two little creature waiting on the conveyor belt for bums to be changed etc. - but in some ways it did make it easier, because they seemed to go thru' many stages together.
Thinking of you - don't envy your decision.

elliott · 03/01/2006 11:48

ginso I could be you! Except no 'miracle' third pregnancy here...I have two IVF boys, both first time conceptions, they are 4 and 2 and I am nearly 40. I honestly don't know how I'd feel if I got pregnant (we are not doing anything to stop it, but it seems vanishingly unlikely). Part of me longs to conceive 'normally', just to stop feeling such a failure about it I think, the other part thinks that a third child would finish me off! But I know haven't felt that sense of 'knowing' your family is complete that a lot of people describe - its more a gradual process of feeling content with my two. Certainly for me, my fertility problems have complicated how I view these 'choices' and I can't really think straight about them - history keeps getting in the way. I don't know if that is something you feel as well? If so, maybe that is making it harder for you to really work out what your heart is saying about a third child?
I don't really know how to suggest you make a decision. Try each scenario on for size and see how it makes you feel. Don't have the baby because you feel you 'ought' to, just because you had to go through more than most to have your two lovely boys....people with fertility problems are just as entitled to know when their family is complete as anyone else!

Blu · 03/01/2006 12:03

Ginso - apart from a wry smile about the ways of the world, I don't think the fact that you needed assistence conceiving your boys is relevant to the decision you now need to make. And it needs to be 'do you want a baby' not, as someone pointed out, 'it could be a girl'. it could just as easily be a boy.
Had you 'finished' your family at two because you didn't want to go through IVF again - or do you think had conception come easily, you would have pictured more than 2 kids?
Does being pregnant again make you feel 'oh no', or is it exciting? And is that excitement about the surprise of knowing you CAN conceive without assistance, or because of a baby? If it is about a baby, then don't worry about work etc (though obviously the childcare costs of 3 are considerable, and may wipe out the financial benefit of one or the other of you working, for a while).
MN can't do more than say 'do what is the right thing for you' - but it may help to ask yourself questions in differnt ways, and see what answers you get.

Blu · 03/01/2006 12:05

Because of interruptions, i x posted with elliott - she says what i wanted to say much better.

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