A i right to insist DP staying with me against hospital rules?

[tiggz]

My dp and mum are goin to be my birthing partners but at the hospital im giving birth in, the policy is they can stay with me throughout the childbirth, but if my baby isnt born within the visiting hours of 12-8pm, my DP may have to leave me as its not visiting hours and i will be alone, right after having the baby, they say its because they like to give the mum plenty of rest, but if my DP isnt there with me i will only be unsettled, i'l get more rest just knowing he's beside me, not only that, i just want him there and why would he want to leave me and his newborn?
I dont want to be the anoying patient but do you think id be right to insist on him staying there. i dont want to be alone!

Tiggz - I do really understand where you are coming from. I didn't want my husband to leave either as I felt it was his baby's first night and I didn't want him to miss it. Yet it would have been impossible for him to sleep on the postnatal ward - no room (suppose he could have slept in a chair but then we would have both been shattered). My daughter cried all night long - I was the annoying person wth the crier - so I go very little sleep and was totaly exhausted, so it would have been nice to have him there and I missed him. However, I was reallly lucky to have had an easy, fairly quick, birth and she was born at 13:25 so I had until 9pm with my husband.

The midwives were very strict about partners (and visitors) leaving. If a baby were born after visiting hours though the partner was allowed to stay for a while (having already spent a couple of hours in the delivery room post-bith) which I think is nice. But there was no way my husband could have hidden - they came and checked! They also threw him out between 1pm-3pm which was "quiet time". This was Chelsea & Westminster but other hospitals might be different. Also we live about 10 minutes walk from the hospital so my husband got up and was there as soon as visitors were allowed in (with yummy breakfast! )

So I do understand you, ultimately there isn't much choice and I just had to suck it up for the first two nights (she wasn't feeding well so I had to stay in two nights) and it was lovely when we came home.

Totally - "In an open ward, I can't disagree but has anyone else suggested that it might not be unreasonable to expect new maternity units to be equipped to allow partners to stay with mother and baby? (perhaps they are, of course). "

Yes, that would be lovely, but it would also be mighty, mighty epensive and would require building of new facilities in almost all hospitals. I don't disagree that it would be lovely, but it's pie in the sky. I'd rather they started by making sure that midwives weren't trying to care for multiple women in labour and you had more consistent one to one care...

Tiggz - I think your original question has been done to death, but some of your posts concern me about your wider emotional well being. Does your partner work? If so, very soon you are going to spend significant periods alone with your baby (assuming you don't live with in laws or whatever). If you can't cope alone for a few hours in hospital, are you ok with this? Have you looked into support systems to help you?

'expat, valuing and appreciating the NHS does not mean we can't seek to improve it.

If we didn't continue to improve and tailor the service it wouldn't be the amazing institution it is today.

The NHS is ours, we pay for it, we value it and the reason it's so bloody is good is because we DO have a say in how it's run.'

Expect to pay more, then!

Leoni, sorry, but I know I'm not alone in that I would really feel uncomfortable with men on a post natal ward overnight.

Here's why

Again, in the US, if you don't have insurance, you go to a county hospital. This is where you get the drug addicts, criminals, violent drunks, etc.

If you have insurance, then you and your husband spend the night in the nice hospital where you're not likely to be sharing space with a convicted offender, violent drug addicts, sex offender, etc.

With the NHS, it's free at the point of service. So everyone goes to the same hospital.

Even if every woman's in a private room with her husband, her husband or partner may still be a criminal, free to use his legs to walk around.

I would never want to spend the night on a unit with random men on it.

'my mother is 40 years older than you & couldn't believe when I told her about the dhs not being allowed to stay/midwives not helping knackered/bewildered/lonely new mothers(& promptly wrote to david cameron). So you are not being a spoilt teenager!
I'm due in 2 weeks & have told my dh to hide when they come round to turf him out!'

She was shocked?! When she was born men weren't allowed anywhere near a labouring woman. They were sent home and someone phoned them when the baby was born.

Someone tried to keep their bloody partner there after visiting hours and sneak him in.

I didn't hesitate to buzz the midwife and get him turfed out.

My grandfather was away in the military when my dad was born and sent my grandmother a telegram asking, 'have you had the baby yet, and what are you calling him?'

LOL, ilove! My grandfather was away at war (WWII) when my mother, his first, was born and didn't see her until she was 6 months old, at Xmas.

Gran said she took one look at him and cried and reached for her mother!

Even when DH was born, in 1977 in Edinburgh, men weren't allowed to be with their wives at birth, at least not at Western General where he was born.

Expat, when I was staying in hospital in London (not maternity), there were separate bays, but the ward itself was mixed, there were no doors between bays, bath and shower rooms were in the middle of the ward, and were mixed - so sometimes if you have to stay in hospital you do have to have random men wandering around.

I hate the idea that it is seen as some sort of weakness, that women might want to have their partners with them the night after they have given birth (or at other times that they are in hospital). When I had dd1, it was the middle of the night, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't move, when dd started crying, a MW came and put her in bed with me, then an hour later another MW came and shouted at me because it wasn't hospital policy to have babies in bed with their mothers, none of the other mothers in my bay spoke to me, I couldn't shower or wash until dh came in to visit the next day. When he did come in I cried and cried, and believe me I didn't want him to go home again! (BTW Tiggz, my experience with dd2 was totally different, I had a fantastic MW, a lovely woman in the bed next to me, and I was able to go home the next day - so fingers crossed for you!)

It is pointless to keep saying that op is going to be on her own with the baby when she gets home, that is an entirely different matter. Hospital can (I know not always) be a lonely and frightening environment.

'Expat, when I was staying in hospital in London (not maternity), there were separate bays, but the ward itself was mixed, there were no doors between bays, bath and shower rooms were in the middle of the ward, and were mixed - so sometimes if you have to stay in hospital you do have to have random men wandering around.'

They're all patients, hazey, and there because they are ill.

Yes I know, and I didn't think twice about it, but why does it make a difference if its male patients wandering around or partners?

Hazey - and mixed sex wards are one of the things that hospitals are trying to change. I think your key word there is have to. As Expat said, those people were patients and there was no choice.

It's not weakness to want your DP with you. I would have loved DH to be able to stay when I had DD, but it's the reality and, whilst it is a lovely long term aim, it's not really something women who are currently pregnant are going to see change. There are much, much bigger issues to deal with first.

Sometimes life just isn't all we want it to be...

'Yes I know, and I didn't think twice about it, but why does it make a difference if its male patients wandering around or partners?'

A world of difference. Patients are registered. The staff know they are there. They're wearing bracelets. Most of the time, they're not feeling well, probably not thinking of much.

Someone's partner, however, could be anyone.

Someone could even pose as a partner.

Then you get into the situation where staff are also having to police non-patients. At night.

Stripey's post further down the thread highlights the drawbacks of this.

The staff already know some of these partners are criminals, violent drug addicts, convicted sex offenders.

And they're not patients. They're not unwell and not feeling their best.

As a patient, I wouldn't want to spend the night with random people around at all.

I'm very used to spending nights away from my dh and even went to london 3 weeks before I gave birth to go to the brits (over night) with work. It had never occured to me that Dh could/should stay overnight when it became obvious that i would be staying in overnight. When it was time for him to go I burst into tears. Was just because of the whole (long) day and I didn't want him to go. But i didn't try and stop him from leaving. As it turned out it was for the best, dd didn't feed and dh would ahve panicked, i got 1 hours sleep due to the other brats bundles of joy and it meant that my house was a lovely place to go back to. I got something to eat, fed the baby and went to bed until dh woke me for the next feed.

When I was born (70s) my mum told me about all the husbands crowding round one window so they could peep into the maternity home out of visiting hours!

To add to expat's list, the other reason I don't want you and your partner on the other side of the curtain from me is, as other people have said, you will be talking. I don't want to hear you talking. Patients are on their own, they don't chat in the middle of the night.

an abused woman might not want her DH with her, when she has had hte baby, it might be her only opportunity to try to seek help..

an abused woman might not wnat her husband forcing himself on her hours after the birth

those are two good reasons right htere that there is restrictions on partners visiting the maternity unit, as well as all the other reasons mentioned

As lovely as it would be to able able to see DW and DS at any hour after birth, I wouldn't advocate it, for all the already mentioned reasons, I wouldn't like to imagine DW and DS there sleeping while some random men lurked around, and you get some prize picks in hastings.

I guess I lucked out, waters broke at 12pm and labour started immediately, went straight to hospital, stayed with her til 6am DS arrived, by the time we left labour ward 8am had arrived and visiting was ok, so basically got to spend all day with her before going home in the evening and crashing out :-)

Something that I don't think has been mentioned on this thread yet is that the other mums on the postnatal ward may well be very friendly and supportive - and they will all be in the same boat as you. I remember struggling to get out of bed to go and feed ds1 at 2am (he was having phototherapy and I'd been told to go and wake him and feed him), and the girl in the next bed heard me moving (I'd had an episiotomy, and getting out of bed wasn't easy), and offered to come and sit with me whilst I fed him!

I also made friends with another woman whose ds was born only 6 hours after mine - we are still in touch even though said ds1s are going to be old enough to drive in the summer!

I would also suggest that you have a chat with the hospital about your anxieties, and see what they can do to reassure you.

One small point, though - there is a lot of paperwork for nurses to do now, and sitting down to do it, with a cup of tea, is not lazy. I used to be a nurse in the NHS, and know exactly how hard it is to do everything that needs doing. You only know what you see - and can have no idea of what else has been going on, so please don't tar all NHS staff with the same brush. There are rude and lazy nurses and midwives, just the same as there are rude and lazy people in every profession, but the vast majority are very hard working and caring. As other NHS staff have said, I have lost count of the amount of unpaid overtime that I did, to ensure that my patients got the care they needed.

Sorry - I also meant to say, in answer to the question in your OP, that I don't think you should insist that your dp stays with you, against the hospital's rules. The other women on the postnatal ward deserve their privacy and rest - I'm sure you would not be happy if you were kept awake half the night by someone else's dh/dp nattering away to them on the other side of the curtains, or if you had the midwife examining your stitches with a stranger only feet away.

Just to comment on what the last two posters have said - firstly my stitches were examined during the day with person in next curtain's partner etc on other side of curtain. But yes would be annoying if someone was talking all night - so would be just as annoying for someone's mum to be there as for someone's DH/DP.

Secondly no one spoke to me at all because the only time when partners were not there was nighttime - and also I am not sure if they other women spoke any english.

Unfortunatly the only solution to how you feel about that situation seems to be that all mums are given the option for private rooms, as stitches may well need examining during the day, and it cannot be expected that family cannot visit at all (day or night).

In our local hospital there were some private rooms available at extra cost, sadly the NHS doesn't have the budget to offer free private rooms to everyone..

when I has DS1 (overseas) partners were expected to stay, as having a baby is seen a as a family thing. I loved having DH there the first night, you cannot beat support from someone who is close to you.

I fully intended to have DH with me for DS2 (and go against the 'rules'), but DS1 was sick. I really missed DH though. 1 midwife o/n for the whole ward........

By jasper Sun 21-Mar-10 22:39:27
It'snot an odd concept that people like to have their partner around.
It IS an odd concept some are frightened and feel they can't cope if their partner is not around.

I disagree. I don't think it is odd that someone may be frightened, anxious or worried about giving birth and coping afterwards, and prefering to have the support of thier partner around in the initial few hours after giving birth. I know that during my induction I was scared at times and I know that afte rmy c section I felt very alone and anxious being left in pain, unable to move and expected to look after a newborn baby on my own.

When I had DD (July 08) I was induced at 40+10.

When i found out just before about DH having to leave after visiting time I was panicky about it. What it happend quickly and he didnt make it back in time etc.
I went in at 6.30 and he was eventually encouraged to leave at 11pm. I was on a ward in the labour bit, but not a delivery room.
I was scared about him leaving but we kept texting each other. Was told that nothing would happen till at least the morning now when they do another gel so to get some sleep. Anyway at midnight my waters broke and contrations started. MW said I could then call DH back whenever i felt i needed him. I gave him a bit as the contractions got abit stronger and he came back at 4am.

After the birth 27 hours later at 3.17 in the morning, DH stayed with me in the delivery room till I was moved into the postnatal ward at 9am. By 12 I sent him home as he was shattered ( so was I but hey!) Yes, I felt completely lost when he went but knew that was the way it had to be. He couldnt stay with me and baby forever.
The MW were around if I needed them, some nicer than others. Stayed in for 3 days and one night one MW took DD for an hour as she was very unsettled and I was not sleeping at all.

Anyway, Yes it is scary at first but its not that bad and you do get used to it.
I remeber DH saying How good she was during the day, always sleeping. And me saying you wait till we come home, shes the devil at night!

You will never be "alone" now... you have a baby thats completely dependent on you!!