A i right to insist DP staying with me against hospital rules?

[tiggz]

My dp and mum are goin to be my birthing partners but at the hospital im giving birth in, the policy is they can stay with me throughout the childbirth, but if my baby isnt born within the visiting hours of 12-8pm, my DP may have to leave me as its not visiting hours and i will be alone, right after having the baby, they say its because they like to give the mum plenty of rest, but if my DP isnt there with me i will only be unsettled, i'l get more rest just knowing he's beside me, not only that, i just want him there and why would he want to leave me and his newborn?
I dont want to be the anoying patient but do you think id be right to insist on him staying there. i dont want to be alone!

No, it's not unusual. But I don't think it would help to alienate the midwives (whose help and support is going to be critical whether DP is there or not) by suggesting they're being lazy, or kicking up a fuss about tried and tested rules in the maternity unit.

That said, I hope this baby turns up soon, hale, hearty and healthy and your mind can be put at rest. Good luck.

tiggz, you said the thought of being alone (in the hours following the birth) is "terrifying"

really, this is not a normal healthy way to be. Apart form anything else, you will NOT be alone.

Your husband will not be sent home immediately after your baby is born, it's just that he won't be able to spend the night on the ward with you. (you don't honestly think that would be ok do you? for the other mothers?)

I have had three babies in hospital and the care I received was outstanding. The last thing you will be is alone! You will be surrounded by professional carers.These people have dedicated their working lives to caring for new mothers and their newborns. Believe me, they are a very special breed!

Please stop worrying. Best of luck with the birth

Hi!
Haven't read all of this thread so sorry if its already been said, but if you don't want to stay in hospital you are always free to leave againist medical advice or not go in againist medical advice.
Don't forget to to check out the www.homebirth.org.uk/

Good Luck I'm sure it won't be long till the baby's here and you'll be mesmorised by him or her and your new family

Haven't trawled through the whole thread but I have noticed a fair few people pointing out how unreasonable it would be for new mothers having to share the ward with other women's partners. In an open ward, I can't disagree but has anyone else suggested that it might not be unreasonable to expect new maternity units to be equipped to allow partners to stay with mother and baby? (perhaps they are, of course). I also think it's very disappointing that tiggz seems to feel that she has missed out on a lot of information she would have found useful a lot earlier than this in her pregnancy. The communication from the hospital certainly hasn't been all that effective in her case, has it?

"Sorry - do women after childbirth lay there at night crying for their husbands?"

Yes, they do. Sorry, I wasn't superwoman. After 24 hours of prostin gel to induce me, a middle of the night birth, DD rushed down to SCBU at 2am the following morning, night four (a Friday night) I hadn't slept since the Monday night and then only fitfully as I was terrified of going into hospital, had never been before. DD screamed all night long, I wasn't shown how to bf, just left in the room with a little cup, a leaflet and told to ring if I had problems. I rang, no one came. Yes, I cried and cried and cried and wished to God I'd never had a baby. I would have given anything for DH to be there, someone that was on my side, didn't look at me like I was stupid because I couldn't get DD to latch or express and couldn't get her to sleep either. I was told she was keeping others awake and to do something about her. I hadn't slept for four days, was scared, upset and couldn't feed DD. Too fucking right I wanted DH there.

And I paid £175 a night for a poxy private room and for that DH got an extra hour visiting a day so that didn't work either.

I haven't read the whole thread but I don't think you ABU to want him to stay. These are the times when the differences between the US and the UK are glaring. We always have private rooms and they are ready-made with a chair that makes out into a little bed for the partner.

Jesus, people. The OP has a sister whose partner was allowed to stay over. She herself was allowed to have her partner stay over when she had an MMC. Why wouldn't she assume that would apply again?

She's 18, she's 8 days overdue, she's just found out that's not the case. She's not threatening to disobey the rules against security concerns. She's said over and over that she understands why the rule exists.

She's just saying that she wishes it weren't the case.

Perfectly reasonable.

I gave birth in a tiny, underfunded hospital in a country town, and the labour was 2 days and then I was in another 2 days (which was considered really short for a first birth, does the NHS seriously discharge after 6 hours?), and my husband was in the entire time. They roomed in, which is the difference; obviously he couldn't have stayed on a labour ward. But we had a tiny room, and he brought in an air mattress and sleeping bag and slept on the floor.

I'm so glad he did. He did food runs for me, he was there to watch the MW teach me about proper latches, and how to bathe an infant, and how to change a cloth nappy, and it meant we were both as clueful as each other when we took our daughter home.

It's not unreasonable to wish your partner was there. That's all the OP is doing.

clam thanku

jasper for my personality and the typ of person i am, its very normal for me to be this way. i no i wont be alone and other people will be there, but if thats not the support you want your going to still feel alone. I will stop worrying, and thanks for the luck.

histana thanku ever so much, i hope it wont be too long now, it seems like such a drag!

totallydifferenttypeofper no my hospital hasnt been very useful to honest and yes i think it would of helped alot if id been told alot of this imformation alot earlier on in my pregnancy, and it would be very reasonable and nice if new maternity wards were equiped for this there is one unit in sussex that has, so it can be done.

RockbirdisdrinkingGuinnes im so sorry to hear about your birthing experience and it really dosent seem fair! i know for a fact im going to cry alot! I think alot of woman cry, and i think its perfectly fine too. Its totaly understandable wanting your dp there with you for support that staff cant give even if they wanted too, they cant comfort you in the way your dp can.

Oh, and. This is not an AIBU thread! Stop telling her if she's BU or not!

Argh, I hate the way AIBU bleeds over into the other areas of the board.

jabberwocky it would be brilliant to have that kind of supportive unit here!

tortoiseonthehalfshell oh thankyou soooo much, i have repeated that lots lol. And thankyou for understanding my post and not taking it the wrong way like some have. I dont think its unreasonable either, and it would be so much fairer if dps could stay, imagine if the shoe was on the other foot and we saw the one we loved the most going through all that pain and then getting a newborn and having to leave them both like 2-4hours afterwards for a whole night, it would be awful! And i really appreciate you sticking up for me, i know others have aswell but the more the better, as it can be a little intimidating when people pick on you for silly reasons.

Even on the programme one born every minute, when joy was being induced, her partner fabio, stayed with her and it showed him covering himself up with a blanket on the armchair beside the bed ready to sleep the night, and joy wasnt even in established labor. So thats another hospital that allows it.

Aye, but jabber, I gave birth three times and was never asked who my insurer was, grilled about cards from my insurer, or had a slip of paperwork after the birth, much less demands for payment, co-pays, having to make calls to the insurer, etc.

I had a bankrupcy 9 years ago in the US due to medical debt.

A bankrupcy.

Want to know what for?

I'd been made redundant from an employer who didn't offer health insurance coverage to employees, which was totally legal.

I was driving my boyfriend's car and was struck by a drunk driver, who had no insurance, of course.

I couldn't afford to pay or the 'payment plan' the hospital offered.

Do you want to live in a place where people go bankrupt or lose their house over something as common as a car accident, a heart bypass or cancer? Or become endebted for decades over such?

Or would you rather forgo your partner for a couple of nights?

As for 'bonding', well, hey, adopted parents bond with children they didn't know at birth all the time.

Gimme the NHS any day!

You people don't know you were born, honestly!

Oh, and best of luck getting long-term benefits there!

LOL.

People think you should work there, no excuses if you were young and not married when you had a kid, that's your fault and your problem, as is sorting childcare and paying for it.

Disabled? They still think you should work, even if part-time. Good luck getting full disability. LOL.

Even people with conditions like Down's Syndrome usually don't get full disability.

Good luck OP. Don't panic, and try not to worry about what will happen afterwards.

You will be shattered and you will probably want to do nothing but sleep.

I was devistated when DS was taken away 5mins after birth and placed on SCBU. I wasn't shown where he was and no one came to tell me. I went on the ward at about 10pm after giving birth at 8pm, and DH had to go home. I was alone and it was horrible, luckily I was exhausted and I slept until 7am (hadn't slept for 2 days).

It will be fine, and will be something you will look back on and wonder why you wasted so much energy worrying about it.

If all else fails just hold baby in until visiting hours then pop him out get checked and then head home

Ahhh if only it was that simple!

jaquelinehyde yes that would be very nice, if only it was that simple, everything would be so much easier ha ha. thanx for the advice though.

If your hospital has those bedside tv/phone/internet things you can always get on MN and chatter to us

It will all be fine and an amazing experience.

expat, valuing and appreciating the NHS does not mean we can't seek to improve it.

If we didn't continue to improve and tailor the service it wouldn't be the amazing institution it is today.

The NHS is ours, we pay for it, we value it and the reason it's so bloody is good is because we DO have a say in how it's run.

tiggz apologies for correcting you again, but in one born every minute, you only see the labour ward. All the ladies on there have birthing partners with them all the time if they want to.
Joy's husband stayed with her because she was being induced on the labour ward... if she was on the ante-natal ward, he would not have been allowed to stay.
TBH I think you would be better spending your time and effort trying to understand the rules in your particular hospital, than arguing with people on here.
You have been told repeatedly that you are perfectly within your rights to be anxious, but sadly there is little you can do about it... why not spend the time getting your head around the reality instead of arguing about how you "think" it should be. You are right, the rules suck but you can't change them.

helenwombat, as someone who had to put up with someone's Darling-Husband-whom-she-couldn't-be-parted from muttering on the way on the other wide of a curtain whilst a mw examined me, told me about the dilatation of my cervix and asked about my pv loss, I can assure you it was horrible and embarassing and I totally disagree with your post about not caring who was there. I cared a great deal and have NEVER felt more stripped of my dignity. I hope you don't have to experience that.

The things I've heard in hospitals because people act as if the curtains are soundproof! I always wonder how that lady's genital warts are.

Speaking as somebody who had no choice but had to spend nearly a week in maternity ward with complications (having first spent nearly a month on ante-natal ward before the birth) I did actually did need my sleep not to be interrupted by other people's partners. I was as insecure as any other woman, but I needed my sleep. I did care when men stayed beyond the visiting hours and kept reassuring their partners(=talking to them = making a noise a few feet from my head) night after night.

I posted earlier about having to spend the last week of my pregnancy in hospital away from my husband, and he away from me. I didn't like it but it was doable. You will cope, you really will. This is a small thing compared with giving birth.