Passive Birth !!

[mogwai]

Ok, so I know there's all this stuff about "active birth" and yoga, meditation, releasing your natural endorphins and riding on the crest of your waves of pain.

I really admire people who have the courage to embrace an "active birth"

Personally I feel that advances in medical technology have allowed me the luxury of wallowing in my own cowardice and I want all the pain relief I can lay my hands on.

Should I strat up a "passive birth" centre to advocate us cowards having as little as possible to do with the whole process, a random selection of cream cakes and DVDs in the delivery suite and a full bikini wax under epidural?

Who's up for that??

I too have spotted a lesser known pickled egg grabber. It might work. Wouldn't recommend a pickle fork though....

Notice spikesmomma has gone quiet.... Wonder if she's relaxing in the maternity suite, keeping the heat off in a white burkha. Either that or stranded in the paddling pool which is EXACTLY where I would be if pregnant now...... My "perspiring" in this heat would be wholly glamorous though

I think she's off looking for ostrich feathers to adorn her lady garden

"Agree baby should slip out during the night"

My mum had a home birth with one of my elder brothers and when I was little I was convinced he simply crawled up from under the bed clothes in thenight.

Quiet - me..? one had a technical hitch on't t'internet - but back now.

Now you see 'pickled egg grabbers', 'cocktail sticks' and 'gherkin tongs' are not really doing much for the glam side of things to be honest.

I have also seen a very talented thai lady 'perform' her pelvic delights. She shot a banana out at high speed into the audience - all of four of us - it was low season. She could have had my eye out if, fortunatley, she hadn't done a forewarning wink for me to slide away from my 3 male chums. Oh how i laughed at their misfortune. She did however run out of steam half way through shooting darts out of her twinkle, which was slightly disappointing - however, with a bit of verbal support: 'GO ON LUV' she managed to pop all of the balloons across the room with gusto. Such a gifted lady. Unfortunatley we missed love in a tuk tuk, because the boys were kacking themselves at being approached by scarlet ladies/boys. Those Thai ladies must pop babies out like peas.

p.s still no sign of baby. Starting to wonder if it's just a prolonged case of wind...

Have made up a new game to while away the waiting which consists of poking one's finger into swollen ham feet and seeing how long the spectacular (if not disconcerting) dint lasts for. You should try it, do it with more than one finger, it's a riot. It's come to this...avais...

PMSL at this thread! Actually ladies, I think it's true that the tightest lady gardens actually suffer the most (ie tearing) because you really want things a little relaxed down there... My sister is a midwife and always advises not to overdo the pelvic floor exercises whilst pregnant - it's afterwards you really need them.

apparently (according to DH) you missed a treat with the tuk tuk - I was too knackered and went back to the hotel, DH and mates stayed on and came back to wake me up to tell me all about the tuk tuk that was suspended down from the ceiling. For some reason he thought I would be impressed and want to know all about that finale. No bananas or darts though, rather uncomfortable incident with a young Thai lady and some oranges.....

Thanks for that advice Rachey. I was feeling a bit passive about the pelvic floor exercises (you know, trying to remember to do them at traffic lights, but finding they were always on green).

oh Spikemomma and basket case....what a laaaaaarf!

The "theatre" was also pretty quiet when we were there. Were you in Patpong by any chance? It was all the hanging around between acts that got my goat! Apparenly there's a lady called "Sticky Vicky" in Benidorm who has similar talents, though I wouldn't know, cos Benidorm isn't glam enough for a passive, fragrant lady like me.

....no doubt someone now going to come over all offended at my disdain for Benidorm....

Agree about the pickled egg grabber. What were we thinking?

Spikemomma...try two fingers making dimples in your leg about six inches above your ankle bone. That gets the best results. I also find an attractive pair of socks and a walk round a field have a stunning effect. We flew to Nice when I was 26 weeks, I was horrified at my ankles when we landed and still don't understand how they got so bad in only 2 hours. Can't wear any rings either. How fed up are we???

Very fed up waiting because sleep is a distant memory with heat, spd and baby footballer squirming under ribs. Apart from the ever growing bump, back ache, bags under my eyes, slightly 'glowing' body due to heat and tussled hair - because frankly i can't be arsed to brush it - i'm still looking rather glam and attractive... [distant sob]

I would do your trick mogs, but i lost my ankle bones about 3 days ago and haven't seen them since. Currently I have cancankles (ref. Peter Kay: calves and ankles rolled into one). Also wedding ring has been off for ages - so i'm going to look like an unmarried 'hussy' on the labour ward (secretly delighted ra ra). Or does that only count in the 1950's...

Re. Thai antics, yep, i was on PatPong Rd. Basketcase - sounds like we went to the same place. Have to say i was mega disappointed with the ping pong balls. I thought they shot out at 80 miles an hour. She just stood over a tupperware tub and plopped them out. Think she might have been bored. Could have done better myself. Well, perhaps not - i'd have needed an epidural just to get them up in the first place. It's this whole passive thing again...

sorry for my lack of appearance for a few hours..... I have been practising my ladylike ways with ping pong balls and oranges but they keep dropping out

spikemomma and mogwai.... I FEEEEEEL for ya and ya big fat cancankles (tee hee).

by the way, whilst not ostrich feathers, I did stumble across a whole heap of spare cananda goose feathers whilst out walking the dog today if either of you are interested......

only if you give them a good wash!

Spike momma, I think we are one and the same person. I also have SPD and a footballer under my ribs. I cried and cried this morning about how this was the worst thing I'd ever been through in my WHOLE life. The crying only subsided when I was provided with Cadbury's Dairy Milk and a promise we could go out for lunch and buy me "something gorgeous".

Nothing gorgeous fits, however. I don't know if it will ever fit again. Keep looking at glamorous types with extreme envy . Went into a branch of "Smallbone of Devizes" today and felt like a sack of potatoes next to glamorous woman in gold pumps with golden-haired child straight from "Jojo Maman Bebe" catalogue . I was wearing Mothercare yoga pants and a top from Hennes that makes me look like a milkmaid. Later discovered I also had chocolate round my mouth. Can never show my face again, hence will never have lovely smallbone kitchen.

I'd like to start a new thread where we just come out with a load of expletives but am afraid I may be banned.

I would definately recommend passive stitching. I tore really badly and was petrified of being stitched but I knew it had to be done there and then. The midwife gave me a brand new cannister of gas & air and let the doc do the stitches. I am not joking, I literally used the whole cannister. Every single breath I took came out of it. It was wonderful - didn't feel a thing. My vision greyed out apart from some gorgeous pink sparkly things! I have to put out a warning though about the lovely drugs:

I made a complete ar$e of myself. It's not called laughing gas for nothing. The doc's phone rang and he told the midwife to tell them that he was in theatre at which point I shouted out "No he's not, he's here!" which had everyone in fits. I then kept giggling and cracking jokes. Oh the shame.

we're proud of you, logic

Oh this thread does make me laugh - It's like therapy. I've been a right radgy pants today. I feel so fed up waiting... 4.30am i had to get up this morning cos everything hurts, i'm broken.

Serah - oranges and goose feathers - oh how i laughed you cough drop!

Mogwai - We truly are one of the same person. Least you got chocolate (admittedly, round the mouth not a good look).

Logic - i need the laughing gas now i think! (my laughing momentarily stopped on the mention of tearing... groan...)

I professed today to DH that we might HAVE to have sex tonight - but it has to be very quick as i can't really be arsed - but needs must as i'm so fed up i'll try anything. So romantic (poor bloke). NO pressure at all then. I bet you 27 pence it doesn't happen.

If this child doesn't come soon - someone is going to get a poke in the eye... it's my first yr wedding anniversary tomorrow - another cracking day to pull one out of the bag of smugness (seen as thought fathers day delivery flopped). (Banking on it too as i haven't managed to get DH a card or present...doh)

spikemomma... hope I'm not too late... DON'T HAVE SEX.... it doesn't work!!!! Seems such a shame to expend all that energy for nothing!! (speaking from experience). You can also forget curries and pineapple and everything else, but I have a pickled egg grabber if you get desperate...

mogwai.. all of my barnancle geese feathers are washed daily if you don't mind, as with a 6 month old there is very little else to do in ones glamorous day.

logic just reminded me of my stitching experience..... I was laughing all the way through it and "twitching" my legs going.. "no.. stoppit, it tickles goddamit...." (remember my epidural only worked in part). The midwives were looking at me like I was a nutter. hmmmmmm. Leave that one for you vultures to pick up.

Hate to say this but am loving reading this as it reminds me of my despot self at 42 weeks. But best of all was my 6 month preg stomp round an out of town shopping centre looking for nice maternity clothes, which I couldn't find and threw most of the ones on offer on the floor.... and me being usually so passive and all..... heh heh heh....

oh, and spikemomma and mogwai... first child????

first child for me, yes. Don't know about Spikemomma.

Either she's Spike Milligan's mother or she has spikey hair. Or perhaps she likes hedgehogs.

However you look at it, the poor cow is past her due date and has every right to be spikey. We are dying to be passive and come back to tell you all about our fragrant and lipgloss-fuelled labours. It's just our babies won't move out.

Am far too passive to seduce dh at this late stage in the proceedings. And after today's humilation in smallbones of devizes, I doubt I shall ever posess the self confidence to try. Will I ever look good in gold pumps??

hmmmm... gold pumps, yes you WILL look good in them mogwai... but you probably won't care for a while!!! Otto was my first in december just gone at 42 weeks and 1 day....

When's your appointment? I loved the passive "legs up in the ladylike stylee" for the quick sweep and the "well, if it doesn't happen tomorrow we've got you booked in a week next wednesday" and you insert the following text in several garbled sentences in no particular order.... "no, wait, you don't understand, this bump is huge, I can't get up.... porter!! can't you do it tomorrow/now, I don't mind waiting til then, theres no more room for my lungs, i can't eat, i can't sleep, i'll pay you."

They're boys aren't they? . They claim to be proactive, but we "laydees" know better!!

serah, I think I know your mother! Do you live in Cornwall?

If i give birth to a hedghog - that really will finish me off. Had a night of agony with the old SPD. It's truely breaking me... i'm like the walking dead at the moment.

This is my first baby too - or first teenager depending on when the boy decides to appear...

Never thought i'd say it, but bring on the sweep, and induction and anything else which will get him out. Got sweep on Monday and induction on Thursday if nothing occurs. Might chain myself to the hospital bed tomorrow and plead with them to help me get baby out!

Mogwai - have you got any dates for induction/sweeps etc...?

ps. Serah - my 27p is well safe. No rumpy pumpy for me...there's a surprise!

And, gold pumps? Nope.

I have an appointment on tuesday morning - I guess they'll do a sweep. Induction date will also be discussed.

Am also like the walking dead. When I couldn't sleep on friday night, I was lying in bed with my fists clenched, kicking and shouting at myself. Luckily dh is now in the spare room, but god knows what the neighbours thought. I just feel so stricken, frustrated and helpless.

Even gold pumps wouldn't help. In fact, they would make it worse, as would highlight the site where my legs once stood (now derelict).

How I wish I was a child again. The only "Sweep" in my vocabulary (or on the horizon) was a little grey dog who lived with a mute bear and an annoying panda. I'd have happily had a sweep any time . Don't like being a grown up.

By the way serah, I was reading your input on another thread. You have a GREAT sense of humour. That's why you're here on passive birth, with the other ladeeeees of mirth, irony and sophisticated tastes!

Were you REALLY abandoned as a baby or were you making that bit up?

yup, certainly was. All of it is true. I have no issues though, just don't leave me ...

(back later probably, been having a bbq and the dog still needs his walk, poor lil fella)

what a story! Wow.

So I guess you're not the "Sarah" I thought I knew from Cornwall!

goddamit... lied about one thing inadvertently (too much cutting and pasting WILL mess you up!) - whilst my partner is, I am not in my late thirties, I am a mere 34 years of age [cough]

ohhh, bless ya's both an all. I remember this so well. This is mother natures way... she is getting you ready to give birth, as you really really want to, albeit passively!!

I remember being scared up until this stage kicked in.. then desperation for parting set in and all I wanted was to be laid on my back with my legs in the air (thats how I got into this state in the first place... what comes around..... )

I also remember regretting being a grown up (almost) and I was scared of my future responsibilities. Another friend of mine admitted to me recently that her fear was not for the birth but for very selfish reasons - losing her life afterwards! Me too. However, I can assure you that Mother Nature slips in quietly and unoticed, and kicks in when you need her.

I'm not a hippy by the way... its just the way things work out, generally speaking.

PS.. about the other thread.. I find it really ironic that its ok for breastfeeding mums to have a poke at bottle feeding mums, but the merest hint of an opinion in the other camp (oh, surely not a reference to Nazism again....) and they're all there saying "how dare you" and.. you guessed it.. "you're wrong". My little family is living proof that it's alright, but do you see anyone accepting that? No, my opinions and proof purely belittles the suffering of Jews and pro breastfeeders. Interesting. I wish you luck, by the way, with whichever way works out best to feed your little ones.

Oh, and no, sadly not from Cornwall (I wish!!) You wouldn't recognise my mum from knowing me... She certainly (and for obvious reasons of adoption orders) looks nothing like me as well as being 5' 2" and me being 6'.

The geese feathers are in the washing machine again as we speak and will be winging(no pun intended) their way to you both to adorn your respective lady gardens durning your sweeps