Passive Birth !!

[mogwai]

Ok, so I know there's all this stuff about "active birth" and yoga, meditation, releasing your natural endorphins and riding on the crest of your waves of pain.

I really admire people who have the courage to embrace an "active birth"

Personally I feel that advances in medical technology have allowed me the luxury of wallowing in my own cowardice and I want all the pain relief I can lay my hands on.

Should I strat up a "passive birth" centre to advocate us cowards having as little as possible to do with the whole process, a random selection of cream cakes and DVDs in the delivery suite and a full bikini wax under epidural?

Who's up for that??

what's a jalaba?

Shit, a gap in the market....quick!

and nobody else has taken me up on the burka offer...perhaps it needs some fashion additions?

It comes with a free Lancome Juicy Tube

Damnit... hold a burkha for me.... I only gained 4lb during pregnancy (equalling a massive weight loss and new skinny person emerging post partum)... but since me and the wine bottle are friends again..... Either that or a moo-moo.

for dd had natural (not by choice) - awful, awful, awful...

for ds - gas and air, Tens and pethidine (not allowed epidural coz of my spine) Was told if I had emergency c-section I would be knocked out and woken up when all over - BLISS! Plus dh not allowed in either - he was thrilled! BUT had vaginal delivery in end ...

still the drugs were good!

what a brilliant thread! oh dear, my side aches from laughing so much.

or is that just gas again?

don't mention gas! We passive ladies deny all knowledge of this and would certainly never let one rip while bouncing on a birthing ball in front of "Discovery Health".

I mean, the sound would be very unglamorous, and we only do glamour on here.

Do us passive pregnant ladies still do glamour, even though we might have accidentally passively poo'd ourself this morning cos we couldn't get up the stairs quick enough?

Only a very little bit...

Am on crutches though (SPD). Thought i'd ease myself into loss of dignity gradually before the big day. One needs to prepare...

This thread is the nuts. My SPD means i can't walk without it really hurting and that's without my bits doing ten rounds thrusting out the equivelant of a wriggling bag of potatoes. So i'm as passive as it gets. Probably a bit too much by this mornings 'incident'...

Apart from that - i'm dead glam, releshing the opportunity to defecate infront of many, loose my voice box due to banshee wailing and transform into an evil witch during transition. Unless, of course, i 'succumb' to a passive epidural - mohawhaw yes!

sympathies on the SPD spikey, I have it too. Though have not yet pooped myself in the glamorous manner you describe - that was quite a moment in your life, I'll bet

I think you'll fit in just fine around here. Poop away!

oh man.. I think I've just wet myself laughing now. (not quite the heights of soiling oneself (whilst not in the throes of passive labour) admittedly, but one tries ones best).

Im a big fan of the passive labour club. Had an epidural with DS1 after 12 hours of labour, took another 6 hours for him to be born. With DS2 who was also eventually induced I refused to let them put up a drip until after the epidural was in. This caused a bit of a stink but i stood my ground and finally got my way. Shoved him out 5 hours later after 3 games of scrabble with my DH and the couple from the next room who were also a bit bored!!! He was over 10 lb and it didnt hurt a bit, mind you i was a bit sore when it wore off!

Dear Mogwai,

Got to nearly 1pm and haven't lost any bodily functions. Champion.

SPD sucks - really feel for you if you have it. Got over taken by a pensioner the other day - i nearly kicked his stick away out of spite. Unfortunatley i was wrestling with 2 crutches like a flaying octopus. Gutted. I used to be agile me, i did, once.

My next instalment of loss of dignity is probably on Monday as baby meant to appear by Sunday. I have no doubt that someone will attempt to have their digits shoved up my mufty, gleafully sweeping around... How delightful. I'm going to object to the strongest degree though. I just want something coming out and nothing going up thanks very much. If they give me crack cocaine or smack me up to whatever level they wish - my body is their's. Until then. Nope.

p.s How smug would i be if i produced DH his child on fathers day. My god, i'd be a genious. If only i had stopped myself telling him about the poo misdemenour, he would have thought i was a mothering goddess...

I am also hoping for a fathers day surprise, and agree, digits and muffty do NOT go together at the passive birth centre.

I am VERY impressed with the scrabblers. I hope your DH let you win, given the "pain" your bady was in!!!! My DH won't play scrabble with me anymore, since he caught me cheating by rifling through the bag looking for the Z and Q while he had gone to the loo (he hadn't gone to the loo, he was watching me from the hall).

Passive ladies ALWAYS cheat - that's the point!

COME ON! WAITING!!!!!

2 fathers day expectees.... tap tap tap.

WEL???????????? PASSIVE or NOT????????

Still waiting......

Looks like I also have a passive baby, but will let you all know.

I'm due on the 23rd, btw

Good Luck, Mogwai !

...and I hope you have a wonderfully relaxed passive birth !

thanks Rochwen

The fun starts here.....gimme the drugs

... and don't forget the cream cakes !

I shall be wheeled into the hospital shouting "Epidural! Cream Horn!" in the manner of lady in distress.

But not before I've had my hair straighteners on and give the old lips a bit of colour witha Lancome Juicy Tube.

I know someone who refused to get into the ambulance until she had shaved her legs. Way to go. Have been saving mine up, will do it at first signs of contractions, so they don't look all stubbly when the nice anaethetist comes

So not smug. The little bleeder decided not to make a grand entrance on Fathers day - his due date. I could have used that for years. The kid is clearly way too passive for his own good.

Just waiting...in the heat, with feet the size of hams. Have kept leg hair (and arm hair) to a minimum, to the point i could take your retinas out with my shiney shins. Other 'ladies' hair has been trimmed to satisfaction - well, to be honest i can't see it, so it's not there in my book.

Would go for body glitter 'down there' but could interfere with medical practice. So won't bother.

Otherwise, like Mogwai, i shall be stretchered in, with back of hand on forehead wailing 'i'm a laaaady, one needs dwugs and a dwounought immediately'. Pop the kid out and then onto twea and twoast amidst comments of how marvelous i was. A breeze.

Alternatively, i'll just be ashen faced and bricking myself...

hee hee Spike Momma

Here we are, just waiting for our excuse to be passive. LOVE the idea of body glitter and don't see why it would interfere? Why don't we go the whole hog and employ ostrich feathers as well?

And the image of your legs as "hams" is hilarious. I know that one, mine sometimes go a funny colour. It's sooooooo not glam.

I laugh, but I'm scared really

I'm a laaady, I need laaaadies' things

Today - i want to be a boy. They've got it easy.

This birth thing is a contradiction in terms: you want it out, you think about it, and then you want to keep it in... If we were really passive, surely we could just wake up and baby would have slipped out and be silently laying next to our silken fanned out hair...

Oh when's he coming? Oh where can i buy ostrich feathers from? (good touch that mogs!)

We could go for a birthing bonanza. Give 'em a real treat. Amidst glitter and feathers, shove some ping pong balls up there and shoot them out in a showgirl 'ta daa!' fashion, quickly followed by a baby. The staff are bound to be impressed. Might even get two pieces of toast afterwards...

Would be a 10 score if you bopped a midife on the head with one.

I saw a lady of the night doing that in Bangkok.

She also played three notes on a trumpet (I'd have been more impressed if they had been three DIFFERENT notes), blew out a candle on a birthday cake and puffed on a cigarette with her lady garden

She must have pelvic floor muscles to die for. Imagine how much she has to exercise them.

Agree baby should slip out during the night (ideally after a nice sneeze) while hair fanned out onto the pillow. MAke that a perfumed pillow.

My due date tomorrow - appointment at the hospital next week. I'm trying not to think about it cos there aint nothing glam about a stretch and sweep.

Pissing myself laffing at "lady garden" - only in a glamorous manner tho.

And also "hams" as my lil fellas hands have been referred to as hams since he was born as they are so huge. Only had "ham-foot" once myself during pregnancy - (due in Dec so late preg it was cooler) and was working in Coventry at time, hence phonecall to bloke pre driving home along lines of "Fill foot-bucket with cold water and ice NOW, BYE".

Don't worry ladies, it is still passive if ones passive babies are encouraged out with a cocktail stick and gherkin tongs (see, ladylike references to ladylike cocktail parties et al)

what about a pickled egg grabber?

(I swear they exist - I bought one once as a present for the man who has everything)

Admit, pickled eggs not quite as glam as cocktails