Passive Birth !!

[mogwai]

Ok, so I know there's all this stuff about "active birth" and yoga, meditation, releasing your natural endorphins and riding on the crest of your waves of pain.

I really admire people who have the courage to embrace an "active birth"

Personally I feel that advances in medical technology have allowed me the luxury of wallowing in my own cowardice and I want all the pain relief I can lay my hands on.

Should I strat up a "passive birth" centre to advocate us cowards having as little as possible to do with the whole process, a random selection of cream cakes and DVDs in the delivery suite and a full bikini wax under epidural?

Who's up for that??

OH MAN I AM SO SLOW. Mogwai, when you market your birth burkha, you could copyright it under the name "Birtha". If you need any other ideas in marketing, give me a years advance notice.

And so to bed.....

A Birtha! You and me both, Serah! And me a linguist! Some friends of mine (y'know, the types with sense of humour ++++) have sent me a "marketing leaflet" for the birth burka - they don't have children and are horrified by the whole process but love my idea of the, well, birtha. They've cut out some picture of a woman wearing a poncho with the catchphrase "be confident, even if you're not continent". It's an absolute HOOT! I think I'll put it in my baby's "memories book" (can't you tell it's my first! Second one surely unlikely to get such precious treatment).

Re the feeding thread. I cannot believe some of the stuff that goes on on this site, really ruins it. I notice it usually kicks off late at night when people have been on the wine. I am particularly horrified by the lack of humour that goes into some of the threads. I personally found the idea of the relative merits of brandy, vodka etc absolutely hilarious. There always seems to be someone twitching in the wings scanning posts and waiting to feel offended. How do these people survive in the real world? Surely they can never watch TV or socialise (perhaps that's why they are on here)?

There was a thread that started up on "chat" or "other subjects" straight after the bottle feeding one you were involved in. IT was called "things I don't get on MN". I thought the poster was genuinely not understanding something so I tried to help out but also commited the sin of saying "breastfeeding nazis", like you. All of a sudden, I was accused of not understanding the implications of the final solution (I've been to Auschwitz and Terezin (Czech Republic) to deliberately contemplate this - couldn't help wondering how many of them had....).

The whole thing soon linked into the original thread (which is how I saw what you had written). I just thought "WTF?????". So I went off and had my bacon butty, stating "no offence to vegetarians". I had a quick scan later and I'm pretty sure my comment then turned into some carnivore-bashing!!! I dunno, couldn't be arsed to read it properly. Go have a look, it's classic.

I must say....this is not very passive of us, we are letting ourselves down. Now then, I've used some Immac mousse on the borders in my lady garden. It's not exactly Percy Thrower, well, it's not even Charlie Dimmock, so those feathers you mention could provide useful camoflage for the weeds and other stragglers. If you'll just pop them in the post I'll be all set.

BTW I take it Spikesmomma has birthed her teenager, look forward to hearng the story

Teenager still intact - apparantly the comment was 'he's a lanky one'. I looked at her dryly and said - yep, the thought did cross my mind - as my ribs feel broken.

Anyway, you'll pee yourselves - how passive is this: went for my sweep today. Mogs - it wasn't too bad. Makes you go 'oomph' but it wasn't painful - i actually found it less so than a normal smear. She said 'oooh can you feel him bouncing on my finger?' - Nope, not a thing. She kept laughing saying ohh, he's an active one i can feel the tip of his head. To which she then announced, yep, your 3 CMS DILATED! WOHHOOO! Haven't felt a thing. She then shoved me on a monitor, and said oh yes, you're having a contraction now, can you feel it? Nope. Just felt like back ache under my rib. How mad is that?! She did actually call me 'weird' - which made me like her more. Thank the lord i'd shaved me pits and legs this morning - i'd let it go a bit as i've felt so fed up the last few days.

Looks like the bleeder is back to back though - marvelous. Can't feel owt now, but give it a while and i'll be a wailing banshee.

Wouldn't mind, but my dh actually said yesterday 'i wouldn't put it passed you to not even realise you're in labour, as you didn't know you were pregnant for 3 months'. What can i say - 3 is my magic number!

So Mogs - there's hope for us yet. Doubt i'll be podding for a while yet - she said it could be quick or drag on - the latter i reckon. No wonder i've been crapping so much - 3 times a day and a bit squitty for the last 2 days - but not explosive one hastens to add. I always seem to end up talking about poo...

spike momma

I also have been "clearing out" almost as quickly as I've been eating. Weird.

The sweep didn't sound too bad then...ok I'll let them do it, on your recommendation! thing is though, Spikey, you don't appear to feel any pain!

3cm dilated is very especially as you have reached this milestone in a floaty and effortless way, with shaved pits. You are currently the Passive Birth Hero, but I think it's time to unroll that Birtha cos I don't think you're gonna be long.....

I see the feeding thread still has some life in it Serah

Unbelievable. Actually, no, it is believable. All women are Nazi's, thats exactly what I said.

Didn't know that you too had been condemned, and didn't know the phrase had been used before both of us until you directed me to your favourite thread. What immediately struck me is why aren't people seeing the obvious thing... it can be no coincidence that several people have used the term individually - no doubt always with the express intention of diminishing the true evil of Nazism and all pro-breastfeeders as a whole(didn't something like the Sun come up with that one when whoever it was in the Royalty decided to wear a Nazi Uniform to a fancy dress party??Obviously the Sun didn't mention anything about breast or bottle feeding in that article)

Prawn Goebbels. thats all I'm ever saying on this subject ever again.

By the way, what about a two-berth birtha for those expecting twins?

So i went to bed this afternoon feeling pretty smug with myself. With a capital 'P' for passive glam mamma. Moonwalked to bedroom whilst humming 3 is the magic number and waving 3 fingers in the air like a dood. Did a sublime pelvic thrust and turn on heels and satisfactory 'aowww' sound as approached bed (bit like cat off red dwarf).

(Reality: Took 10 mins to get me and crutches upstairs, 5 to go to loo, another 10 to get into bed, another 5 to re-arrange pillows and 1 min to kick the cat out who i discovered secretly loitering in the middle of my duvet).

I had brushed and fanned out the silken, thick, wavy hair onto my perfumed smelling satin pillow case. Put on my slinky nighty. Bit of rouge on cheek bones (like audry hepburns mine...), and drifted off into birthing snooze.

(Reality: pushed lank un-quoffered hair out of eyes and yelped and sighed with exhaustion of getting into bed. All whilst being perplexed at how i've got so dilated without realising.

Woke up. NO SIGN of adoring child on pillow. What in the blazers is going on?! I'm aghast. One believes it might take a bit more effort than one thought.

(Reality: Woke up. No sign of adoring child on pillow. Narrowed eyes and did slight up wards glance and pause to detect any pain occurring around womb. Negative. Took 10 agonising mins to get arse out of bed and reclaim crutches. In a glam non-cripple fashion of course.

Have been left with the eeby-jeebys as to what is brewing... dun dun duuuun...[darth vadar type scary breathing effect]

Re. other thread. I've noticed some people get really quite arsey on here don't they?! Can't remember which thread i was reading, but i spent most of my time laughing thinking it was a hum dinger of a 'handbags at dawn'. Wish i could remember which one it was. Could be the one you're on about. Did make me laugh though.

Spike Momma you are HILARIOUS. Your post gave me hearty out-loud chuckles normally reserved for old Vic and Bob videos.

Now have image of dood-like doddering on crutches, cat hairs in duvet cover (you grubby so and so) and still no angelic child on your pillow. This is way out of order.

Serah, glad you enjoyed the thread. I also wondered was I the only one to use the term "breastfeeding nazis", was pretty sure I had never even heard the two words put together until I came on mumsnet. Ho hum. We are such a pair of controversial little tinkers.

As for me, have passively swept around the food hall in Marks and Spencers this afternoon, sunglasses on head (after quick check for chocolate around mouth - still wearing the milkmaid top as can't be arsed to dress properly). Have spent a total of £27 on bugger all except some fruit compote stuff, humous and some gorgeous salad things in tubs. It's going to be a glamorous evening round on MY patio, and no mistake.

Your image is pretty spot on to be fair. Even though the cats have been relegated downstairs, for imminent presence of wipper snapper, i spotted a cat paw print on my pillow yesterday...hmmm.

One of them broke into my bedroom at 4am, cocked their head to one side, looked at me square in the eye - exposed their left fang and twanged the guitar string as loud as they could. She just kept on doing it really defiantly, whilst i sat watching in total disbelief! Tried using shushed authoritive voice to stop her so dh didn't wake up. Took no notice. So resorted to manoevering crutch for a quick prod up her arse, dropped it by accident, smashed it into the guitar which slid down the wall and ended in a massive crashendo of tuneless notes. It was round about then i think dh may have woken.

I just sat there wincing, one eye closed with a pained expression, glaring at the cat. She just gave me the victory look, did the equivalent cat version of rye smile and p*ssing her self laughing and sauntered out of the room...

Most play that guitar has ever had. Cat was better than dh who can only manage two chords of - i think - it's oasis...

Glad you didn't get chocolate around your gob on the journey out today. I'm impressed.

spike momma, I really need to get some tena-lady after reading your post. Mostly as I have a photo of me at approximately the same time of pregnancy, with my lank hair stuck to my puffy sweating fizzog, the bed more truly unmade than I have seen it in its life as I truly could not be arsed, and I recall the cat and dog may have been snuggled up somewhere, shedding fur wildly. (You can see it, but only on exchange of email addresses - there's no way I'd post it here - apart from anything else it'd be on dartboards across the nation within seconds!)

It sure does sound like it will be a mightily glamourous affair on your patio tonight mogwai, but we know the truth - you spent £27 on chocolate and are going to sit there smearing it all over your mush. No. Shush. Its ok.

ah you got me there! Ok so there was £27 quids worth of chocolate adorning the table when dh came home from hard day's toil....I'm overdue, I can get away with everything

I will CAT you both with e-mail address when I work out how to do that. You are both hilarious arses and I need more of this irreverance if I am to continue on mumsnet, as frankly, was beginning to feel like some weird non-earth mother freak.

Thank god for "The Passive Birth Centre".

btw Serah, you HAVE to be a northener with words like Fizzog in your vocabulary...?

might be...... was it my flat vowels that gave me away? I was brought up in Yorkshire, but have moved a little further south since then. Anyroadup, (ahem), how did we know fizzog was northern?

Finished all of my motherly duties for the night now... 21 ounces in 3 hours (thassalot), 1 bottle of water, 2 ABSOLUTELY FILTHY nappies (you say it always comes back to poo spike momma, you'll be in your element soon.. well, when I say in it, just up to your elbows ) On that note, a pregnant friend of mine went to the toilet one Sunday to pass what she felt to be a rather large stool, and instead gave birth to her small son. I don't think it was wholly passive, but goddam it was quick and she didn't have time to register much!

Just a glass of chardonnay between me and relaxing now. Crap. What am I saying? On top of the washing, I now have to remove this new virus from my System Restore..... DP's. Who'd have em and their silly downloads. Tut.

May both your waters break silently in the night, and both give birth in your sleep whilst your wavy tresses move in the gentle breeze from the french windows in your boudoirs. Either that, or the ultimately more romantic version of needing a big poo in the morning and finding it to be your baby instead

Mogwai and Serah, I'm not sure why you feel the need to defend the use of the terms 'nazi' or 'gestapo' when used to refer to anything other than a hideous regime which murdered millions of people. It's completely understandable that people find those terms offensive, surely?

Ok, I'll let you get back to fantasising about how easy your labours will be.

Prawn Goebbels.

Not pregnant wickedwaterwitch... my illuminated friends however, are, and are looking forward to 36 hours of labour, using just a wooden spoon to bite down on as pain relief.

hilarious! I LOVE it when people snoop and try to spoil the fun!!!

Anyhooooo

Well am also a northener (other side of the Pennines, however, you know, the bit that gets all the rain so Yorkshire can stay dry ). I am also a linguist so pick up on regional stuff, having lived in both the north and the south. Fizzog was a term used widely on the (council ) estate where I was dragged up, notably by my mother, as in "what's up with YOUR fizzog?" to any passing trouble. Think Vicky Pollard, remove the roller skates - hey presto, that's my younger sister!!!!!

Going off to hospital for a rendez-vous with the little squeaky dog this morning, on Spikey's recommendation. If it hurts, she's TOAST

Take a wooden spoon....

Mogwai, I hate to be picky but er, it's not snooping: this is a public forum, you can't keep threads to yourself!

Bloody hell, are you two online all night - or do you wait till i log off before you message. I look like a right slack arse. I always seem to miss Serah especially.

I would like to announce that i too am a pikey Northerner! Admittidly i moved away a few years back now. Got into trouble for telling my neice i live in 'stinky london' - she uses it all the time now - thinks it's normal to call it that. Secretly delighted she does mind. Fizzog is a new one on me. Perhaps i'm a 'posh' northerner [trys desperatley not to give away lack of finesse whilst typing by raising chin slightly and repeating 'ra ra']

I'm happy to swap emails - haven't a clue how to do it - only found mumsnet a few weeks ago - took me about a week to work out the coding dh, dp bla bla... Someone guide me and i'll be fine!

Hope Mogs' sweep goes alright - othewise i'm cyber fried. I forgot to say that mine was better than a normal smear cos they end up faffing too much (got a tilted cervix or summat) and then, once they've found it, they end up having to take out the metal thing they shove in and crank open and end up using a smaller one. What can i say... . Mind you, come a few days time that'll be a thing of the past i tell you.

Shall I get back to the subject?
I'd been told I probably couldn't have an epidural because of my wonky spine. In the end I did have one - very nice anaesthetist came and said in a completely laid-back way 'let's just see if it works shall we?' -, it worked and it made such a difference, not only in terms of pain relief but also because I relaxed so much more it speeded up dilation big time. This probably saved me from having an emergency cs. I had had rosy images in my head of 'active' birth, but I had of bf too and came down to earth with a bump. Anyway, I know I'm heading straight for the epidural next time

I'm with you on that Berolina - glad it worked for you. Was reading another thread where someone couldn't have an epidural and i nearly cried for them. Least we've got the option open to us if it gets too bad. Don't think i'd dare get pregnant if it wasn't. I'm such a chicken!

Of course, i could give birth simply by chanting a mantra - but i've got a sneaky feeling that's just not going to happen.

Ok so you wanna hear something REALLY funny? What a day I've had!!!!

Turned up at the antenatal unit at hospital this morning, expecting aforementioned rendez-vous with squeaky dog. Ahem. Instead I get the Obstetric Registrar, who tells me to lie on the bed. Well I can't lie flat cos of my SPD - I have to sleep on an airbed on my side FFS!!! I tell him this and he says I will DEFINITELY need an epidural and WRITES IT IN MY NOTES

I'm so damned passive, I didn't even need to ASK!!! Ya Boo sucks to your three centimetres Spikey!!!

So anyway, he's not too sympathetic, and having got my arse and back onto the bed, he tried to get me to straighten my legs, which sends me into howls of tears with the pain. Then of course, he's a bloke so doesn't know what to do with a crying woman, gets all flustered and tries to help me up by pulling at my arms. GET OFF ME!!

So he said I'd have to wait until next monday to be seen in the assessment unit, and that if they had a slot, they would book me in for an induction sometime thereafter. So my dh says I won't be able to cope with waiting that long (me - passively puffing on my pipe in the corner, still sulking after "lie flat" episode). And in the end he booked be an induction slot for next monday night, by which time I will be almost 42 weeks.

Remained passive throughout entire consultation except for obvious tears.

Anyway, that was only nine o'clock. SO my dh says "lets have a walk round town and get a coffee" which I knew would mean a fab cake in starbucks, so off we drove. Now the thing is, dh has been having trouble with his car for about a week and a half now. It cuts out randomnly, the on-board computer tells him all sorts of stuff is failing and he needs to go to the dealer.

But of course, he ignores all of this, as the problem is intermittent, and therefore the car can still technically be driven, when it's in the mood. So he refuses my offer to take my car to work, denies that he could be killed on the motorway if his car cuts out at 70mph and offers no hazard or brake lights....

SO obviously we return to the car and it won't start. After about ten mins of fiddling he announces it's cured, just a weak connection with the battery and he'll sort it out when we get home (amazing the on-board computer didn't pick up on the simple need for a band-aid on the battery).

Then it cuts out on the main road out of town (single carriageway) and again at a set of traffic lights, just as he's asking me if I think he ought to use the motorway instead of the A Road. At this point he concedes that we need to phone the breakdown service, only he doesn't have their number, and when I give him the number stored in my phone, they have no record of him, cos, well, he's a bloke and he didn't tell them he'd bought a new car.

Despite having phoned the AA, the car started up randomnly, and he thought we should try to "limp home" (15 miles). At this point I insist he calls me a taxi if he wants to risk his own life, so he agrees to wait in a pub car park for the AA to arrive.

Oh yeah, and I have to prompt him to phone the AA back to tell them the car has moved up the road, and to phone work to say he won't be in this afternoon.

And then I start getting these funny pains when I'm in the back of the breakdown lorry.......

Perhaps this episode has worked better than any squeaky dog or prostglandin pessary could ever dream......dh now at the car dealer, I am sitting here having strong BH contractions, so watch this space...

u sure they're strong BH not the real thing????//

how exciting!