What you don't read in the books about childbirth......

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Here are my contributions from personal experience.....

Post C-section you'll have the worse flatulence of your life!

Post vaginal delivery the midwife will stick a finger up your bum to check she hasn't sewn you together. Even more alarmingly rather than thinking wtf! you'll hardly batt an eyelid!

AND THE MOST REDICULOUS THING READ IN A CHILDBIRTH BOOK

Ex. Miriam Stoppard that when the baby's head is crowning you should relax your perinium ! Personally I didn't have the mental faculties left at that point to relax anything!

That 9 months is actually 10 and if you are overdue it can be nearly 11 months

and that gas and air tubes dont stretch round your bed if you want to walk..

1. The day after a C-section, you may get a searing pain in your collar bone, yes even worse than the abdo pain. This has something to do with trapped wind after surgery.

2. Do. Not. Get. Constipated. After. A. Section. (I am quite envious of the story of the lady with post-section runs earlier.)

3. After labour, you may feel as though you are carrying a jam jar inside your vagina for a few days.

I'm another post-section tea & scone (!) person. Thank Christ for that - it was the only thing brought to my bed food-wise for the rest of my stay in hospital (loooooong and rather angry-making story).

Actually so let's have 4) - Post-section, if you can get up and walk a little as soon as possible it will help. However you are perfectly entitled to 24 hours in bed with food brought to you on a tray, so don't let some dingbat tell you that "You've had your luxury time in bed" and order you to a cafeteria 3 corridors away 12 hours after you leave theatre.

that it takes ages. i suppose some of the books do say this, but when dh was standing around at 1pm saying 'so we might have a baby by tomorrow morning then' I thought he was being dumb because of course she would be here within the hour...durr he was right of course. in my defence I had endured days of pre-labour by then and psychological denial was the only way I got through.

Hmm, wasn't sure whether to add this, but afterwards, there is a possibility that you might look at the baby and think "And? So? Where's the sodding rush of the most amazing love of my life that I was promised?"

Please know that this does not make you an evil, sub-human witch and that for some of us, it takes its time in coming.

That when they tell you to bring a sieve for a water pool, it is to scoop out poo .

That afterpains after DC2 and 3 are hideously hideous.

That you will be so hungry if you are breastfeeding, you will eat your own bodyweight in chocolate.

That once you stop breastfeeding, you will still eat your own bodyweight in chocolate out of habit.

I haven't seen anybody mention yet my other weird experience.....I was desperate to go to sleep at one point and would nodd off between contractions only to be jolted rudely back into conciousness. I could hear somebody else snorring on the pre-natal ward (another story as to why I was labouring on a ward, lots to do with midwife in denial that I was in labour due to no room on labour ward proper) and I was SO JEALOUS!

Inductions hurt, and all delusion of control goes out the window ("I want to sit on a ball" "yes, dear, just lie on your left please")

Gas and air doesn't fade out ANY of the pain, just makes you feel light headed.

You can actually make yourself faint from too much gas and air ("you're all sounding very far away!")

That spinals can numb you up to your chest, so that first BF can be like the blind leading the blind

That the run-up to a fart hurts like hell after a c-section. You feel like there are sharp stones stuck in there. It can make you cry in pain.

That the fact that you are lying in bed paralysed after a section and your baby is screaming, will not necessarily a) wake you up or (b) bring a midwife to get you to feed the poor starving thing.

That Pethadine (sp?) causes memory loss (as well as making you violently sick afterwards). One minute I'd agreed to Pethadine, the next the midwife was telling me that ds was crowning (about an hour and a half lost).

Sounds like bliss, except that I have no memory of pushing and am terrified and unprepared for this one.

"but afterwards, there is a possibility that you might look at the baby and think "And? So? Where's the sodding rush of the most amazing love of my life that I was promised?""

Can i second that. I had a baby, not my DD. For a while I was rather grumpy that she got in the way of me surfing the net! After about 6 weeks though, it was total love & adoration and now I would literally die for her.

Oh, and veryscared, try not to worry. I was scared too before labour, having read a similar thread like this last September. I absolutely promise you that once you go into labour, you will cope. These anecdotes are scary cos you can't relate to what it will actually be like.

I had strep B, high bp, IV antibiotics,waters broke early, induction, twat of a consultant that if i see him again I will punch him, labour, emer c-section (compared to labouring at home, planned water birth, hypnotherapy etc) and struggled to bf but as soon as finances allow i want to do it all again!

That you leave your dignity at the door of the delivery room and you never regain it.

That, once the anaesthetic wears off, an epesiotomy feels like having a red hot poker up your fanjo.

That the hormones will make you feel like wonder woman for a day or two and then you'll feel like shit.

Also that, if you have to stay over night, you won't get a wink of sleep because people will be groaning, babies will be wailing, you'll be too hot and you'll be terrified that if you drop off holding your baby then you might squish it.

That you will feel POWERFUL and STRONG and at one with nature. Rahhhhhhhh.

That when the baby is crowning you actually feel like your arse is either inside out or about to explode
Oh and after having my first with epidural and my second with absoloutely na-da the worst thing was having my fanjo inspected for damage straight after, ouch it nipped!!
All said and done I would defo go for the second option without hesitation!!

That writing a birth plan is a waste of time (wanted a water birth both times, didn't so much as dip my toe in the water either time, wanted to stay upright as told is best in all the books but had to lie down with DD as her heartrate dropped every time I tried to get into any position other than on my back)
Afterwards if you need a wee go IMMEDIATELY - post episiotomy and ventouse delivery I was so bruised I felt like I had been kicked repeatedly between the legs by a donkey for several hours and peed myself as I shuffled John Wayne style towards the loos
Don't expect your 2nd labour to be the same as the 1st. 1st seemed to go on forever after arriving at the hospital 1cm dilated. Took my time leaving for the hospital 2nd time, resulting in a 100mph dash to the hospital 25 miles away, pushing on the car journey, and DS arriving 8 minutes after pulling up in the hospital car park - only just managed to get my knickers off in time!
You truly will not care or notice who is looking while you have everything on display, even if you are normally a fairly reserved modest person. And you will take great pleasure in boring anyone and everyone with an excruciatingly detailed description of the birth for a few weeks after, even if they didn't ask about it (advice: don't take your baby in to work too soon to show it off to your boss until you have got the birth tale telling out of your system!)
Was also shocked by how messy I was after the birth-looked like an extra from Carrie when I went to have my bath!
Finally, that when other women say the pain and indignity were worth it, they are so right

That birth plans are useless

That if you've been constipated for nearly a week before labour, it will all come out with the pushing (and you don't care)

Gas and air is WONDERFUL

Your fanny feels like its going to fall out for about a week after every time you walk.

Shouting that you've changed your mind and it hurts too much when the head is crowning doesn't get you out of it.

My afterpains were worse than the contractions.

If you get a sweep, it can trigger the contractions and you can have them for days and days before it really gets underway (4 fucking days) and your exhaused by then!

That you don't automatically get that rush of love everyone tells you about, I felt indifferent (maybe just knackered) and bloody terrified.

I disagree about birth plan. Mine was read and I got what I wanted, and the contents were discussed with me by the delivering MW

I was in a MLU though

If you start out at 10pm on Post natal ward on your own, expect to be woken up at least twice in the night by noisy new arrivals on the ward who turn all the lights on & wake you and your baby up!

I definately agree with everyone about gas & air, it doesn't take the pain away but it stops you caring about it!

That I would love the smell of new babies (up to a few weeks old, really).

That ctx would hurt more than I could imagine.

That no one's cervix dilates at the rate the MWs predict.

That when you feel like you really can't carry on any longer is probably right when you're nearly there.

That when you find the right birthing position (took me 4 babies, but I finally figured out that standing is best!!) that the energy of the contractions goes the right place and just pumps the baby out rather than hurting the rest of me.

That the baby crowning wouldn't be half as bad as the hours that came before.

That once the baby was born I wouldn't be that interested in it for a few minutes -- I would feel like crying with relief instead because the worst was over.

That stitches are fun to endure because the pain of them is so trivial compared to ctx.

You really really NEVER regain your dignity do you....oooh the thought of those hands up my fanjo, the great gush of the waters breaking, the puking into copious cardboard puke catchers. You never get a moment to yourself apart from when your totally knackered, you never have a moments peace and you would give anything for an hour alone to read the paper, you never relised just how much you would like to do something for you....but they really are the greatest!

That the first cup of tea they give you post-labour will taste like the sweetest mana from heaven.

That the stories people told you about not being able to move are true.. mid contraction it'd take a herd of stampeding Zebras to move you from that spot.

That for the first time in your life you'll be telling your DH to "PUT YOUR FUCKING FOOT DOWN!!" on the motorway instead of nagging him to stick to the speed limit

That the bath after delivery is BLISS!!
I do not do baths normally, am more of a shower girl, but after delivery lying in heavily bloodstained warm water on my own in peace and quiet whilst DH got acquainted with DS3 was spiritual experience .

That the toast in the hospital is as delicious as you have ever tasted

When I started reading this thread I was cheerfully attempting to glean information as DP and I are TTC......

I've changed my mind - am off to smoke fags and drink gin!!!!

That you cant move your jaw the day after from biting down so hard on the G&A mouthpiece.