What you don't read in the books about childbirth......

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Here are my contributions from personal experience.....

Post C-section you'll have the worse flatulence of your life!

Post vaginal delivery the midwife will stick a finger up your bum to check she hasn't sewn you together. Even more alarmingly rather than thinking wtf! you'll hardly batt an eyelid!

AND THE MOST REDICULOUS THING READ IN A CHILDBIRTH BOOK

Ex. Miriam Stoppard that when the baby's head is crowning you should relax your perinium ! Personally I didn't have the mental faculties left at that point to relax anything!

That however much you read/know about the latent stage of labour, about how long pre-labour can last, you will still get over-excited once labour starts and run round doing ridiculous things (in my case, getting up in the middle of the night to wash my hair, as 'it may be my last chance') instead of focusing on pacing yourself and getting some rest. You will regret this two days later, when you are too exhausted to even support your own body weight, let alone adopt athletic squatting positions.

That after it is all over, in a hospital full of wards of post-surgical patients not expected to move a muscle, in your ward women who have just have CS after missing two nights' sleep will be expected to lift and carry babies, sort out their own bed linen...

That even if you have battled for years to get this precious baby, you may not get a rush of instant love. You may feel numb, indifferent. And this is ok: it will come!

Above all, though, no-one tells you how much this experience is about luck. You can do all the preparation in the world for the birth you want, and then anything can happen. Some women have an absolutely dreadful, traumatic time. Others have it amazingly easy. This is not fair and it is not related to who you are or what you have done or what your attitude has been. It is just luck. Go in with an open mind. Be kind to yourself. Be kind to other women.

G&A - the most wonderful substance EVER! I broke my leg & ankle when final DS was 2 - was given it on the way to hospital - i thought AAAAH I REMEMBER THIS!!!!

With DC1 you stay in as long as poss. With DC2 you can't wait to get home. I spent the night with DC2 next to a lady who kept me awake telling me how good she was at bf and the fact that baby can suck through the scab and on the other side was woman who was stroking her baby and kept saying very very loudly 'go to sleep my precious precious angel, flower of my life' for about four hours. When i finally dropped off at 3am i was woken up by a midwife at 4:30am to tell me that my baby needed feeding - he was fast asleep as was i!!!!! Called DH at 6am and said i'm having a shower come and get me!

That you'll have a sore throat for at least a week afterwards from screaming so loud!

Oh yes,

That if you have a retained placenta, the surgeon doesn't actually climb inside you to retrieve it, it just feels like it

That sadly, though gas and air is wonderful stuff, it's not available at Threshers

That under no circumstances should you look at your immediate post-baby body in a full length mirror whilst wearing paper pants and support stockings - it will make you cry.

That incredible itching is a side-effect of a spinal block.

That amniotic fluid smells of sperm.

This thread has made me laugh so much.

The vomitting! So right. I vomitted 9 times with DS but it was such a relief!

That the stretch and sweep hurts more than labour!

That you might bruise your forehead from leaning too hard on the bath.

That for some, labour is not that bad (and the second time, it really is that bad!)

That you'll keep saying 'I need to poo. Can I poo on the bed?' and the midwife will keep saying - 'It's not a poo, it's a baby' until the 10th time when she'll say, 'Go ahead, poo on the bed' (I didn't actually but I would've felt better if I could!)

That not everyone has that moment of overwhelming joy and immediate rush of love for the baby. I just thought 'Oh, it's a baby. Could someone take that away while I have a nap?' The love rush came about 2 days later. (Oh - just noticed Lilacclaire said the same - glad I'm not alone)!

You're right Hester. I keep saying to pregnant friends 'Whatever happens, the baby must get out. It may take 2 hours, it make take 48 but once it's out, you have to take care of it for THE REST OF YOUR LIFE! So, I'd say, forget the birth plan - read every parenting book you can find and cross your fingers!

That, even first time, it can all happen really quickly. Too quickly even to have any of that mythical pain relief.

That anathestics can make you shaky, for hours.

That maternity wards are really, really hot.

That there are never enough midwives, but they are all lovely.

That maternity wards are chocca in the middle of September!

That there is no peace or quiet anywhere in a maternity ward.

That the shops will still be open after the baby is born.

Despite the last point, it is really useful to have a full freezer and a milkman.

It won't be anything like you expect.

That contractions may get closer, but be shorter, than what you are told to look out for, and come in when it happens.

That the most liberal earth mother can scream for an epidural, and the most orthodox, straight laced woman will happily sit in a warm bath.

That TENS machines are rubbish.

That Primark knickers are WAAAAAAAAAAY cheaper than disposable paper post-birth knickers.

But if you go down the Primark knicker route, you will still be wearing them 8 moths later, because you havn't actually thrown them away.

That your middle doesn't go flat straight away (I knew this, but I also know someone who instructed her DH to bring in her skinny Diesel jeans, and went home in his old track pants, which were the only other item of clothing in the car).

That your baby hasn't read the books.

That no-one has written a book about you and your baby.

That however well you think you have researched your pram/baby monitor/changing bag/highchair etc purchase, you will end up changing something you bought pre-birth, once you start using it.

That you baby doesn't care what colour its room is, or what it wears as long as it is warm enough and not too cold.

That babies are more likely to be too hot that too cold.

That the temperature guidelines on GroBags are designed to freak you out.

That changing a nappy and bathing a baby is actually not very hard, and you will be doing it in your sleep in a few days.

That looking after a newborn is not that difficult compared to a frustrated not-quite mobile 8 month old.

That Parent and Baby groups are for the mums (or dads) rather than the babies.

That not all healthly pregnancies result in healthy births. - Sorry, but bit of a reality check there.

MNHQ, seeing that some of things that people are saying seem to start repeating a bit, maybe there is another book in it??
Title: "All the things that childbirth books do not tell you"

I am a drunkgenius, me .

That an epidural that only works on one side is worse than no frigging epidural at all.

That you will be filled with an insane rage at various points (I pointed at the really very nice young paedatrician in the room just before ds arrived and apparently shrieked "who the fuck are you and what the fuck are you looking at?" )

That your dh should probably not go down to the business end and say to the midwife as she performs an episiotomy "blimey, when you said you needed to make a cut I didn't expect it to be that big" if he doesn't want a punch in the face

First time around with DD I was told no G&A (as I was too tired to suck on the tube ), not dilated enough for the birthing pool and contractions too far apart (after days) for diamorphine. So burst into tears with exhaustion. Finally got pool then diamorphine then epidural. No G&A!

Anyway, that epidural left false sense of security so thought G&A would be fine for induced DS 9 years later. How wrong I was. Soon crumbled into the warm arms of pethidine. No wonder people get hooked on opiates, you can vomit, be wracked with pain but still feel like cracking a joke. However, it wears off before you have to get down to the real hard work by which time you've forgotten to ask for the epidural.

Oh and probably not best to mention that you don't like the midwife in a stage whisper to DH

And no matter how prepared you really you think you are (and regardless of the 'pain relief', it'll really, really hurt.

I was freaked surprised by the agony of the first post-birth poo. I thought there was something seriously wrong, but apparently it's fairly common. Wish I'd known!

I seriously didn't realise how many other bodily fluids/functions would be involved - standing in a puddle of fluid after my waters broke like a scared toddler who'd wet herself, puking and pooing in labour, bleeding everywhere afterwards, seeing other women's blood all over the loos and showers, AND NOT CARING IN THE SLIGHTEST . I was most bothered by the puking actually, which may have been aggravated by pethadine, although I did puke before I was given it. I didn't mind groaning through the contractions, but I had to move/get up to be sick in a wee paper bowl every time. Blurgh.

That I still looked pregnant after birth, it takes a while for your tummy to go down, and you feel kind of like a deflated balloon.

That my whole body ached after all the pushing - as if I had run a marathon.

And yes, seeing my new baby wasn't quite the amazing moment I thought it would be. I just saw a wrinkly, kind of purpley grey wormy thing and all I could say was "Oh my god, oh my god..."

But of course now I know she's the most beautiful, perfectly formed human being ever invented!

And yes, the sense of achievement is rather wonderful. It's certainly the most extreme thing I've gone through, and I'm so glad I did .

That even if you don't really 'do' anything (2 elective c-sections ), you will feel ridiculously proud of yourself and nothing else you have ever accomplished will induce the same need to boast bore others rigid share your story. I don't know if it's hormonal, but I felt like such a hero after having mine!

That sometimes you can dilate from 1 to 10 cm in 1.5hrs so no time for any pain relief other than G&A, which is crap! Makes you feel sick and confused, but hey, better than nothing!

That your vagina feels the size of a tennisball it's so swolen, and nevermind pooing after, even going for a wee hurts like hell, I limited myself to only weeing in the bath for days.

That if you tell the GP that it still hurts to have sex 8 weeks after giving birth and that your vagina feels all wonky, they'll tell you not to be so silly, of course it does!

That a vaginal delivery, although sooo much more paiful during, is way better than an emergency cs afterwards. Have had both and would choose the vaginal any day!

That the moment when your body decides that you will start pushing feels like when you've got the most hideous diarrhoea and you know it's coming out whether you like it or not.

That crowning feels like the most evil Chinese burn you've ever had in your life.

That after the birth it is completely normal to find huge chunks of what appears to be liver in your knickers/on the maternity pad.

That all the effort of pushing might leave your face covered in red spots where little blood vessels have burst so you look like you've got measles in all those lovely photos of you and your new baby.

If you are given diamorphine, do not worry about any unusual effects in thinking that ALL people in the world should be on the stuff and that drugs are the best thing ever and proudly telling the staff

That if you need an ES, don't expect the Dr to have a bedside manner "stop pushing NOW or you'll brain damage the baby" (had been pushing for a loooong time! (baby fine btw)

First poo HELL
or one baby on years after that, first poo, not a problem and shuddered with scary thoughts for no reason!

That if you do have an CS don't expect some of the cows on the wards to be sympathetic, they will bark at you to be up and changing nappies etc sooner than is realistic at times, but feel no fear in barking back at them and reminding them about your major surgery.. make the most of the kind staff.

Everybodies babies are quieter than yours (or mine as was the case) and remember you will escape the hospital and it wont matter as much.

That no matter what your age, etc MWs generally have to ask you the contraceptive question before you leave hospital... the madness of asking such a question THEN!!

That when a nurse says 'Do you want to keep the baby with you tonight?', it is a trick question, as if you say 'yes' she'll reply 'Oh no, you can't do that, she'll wake up the other mothers. We're taking her to the nursery.'
After which the baby will sleep all night, but you will hardly get a wink.

(Thank you so much, Poole Hospital, 1992. There's a reason I had all the others at Salisbury.)

I was so unprepared for the amount of blood, I got really angry with my pregnancy books because they all said bring in two nighties and so I did and then I was left with nothing to wear when I got up the next morning and my bed looked like a scene from a horror film

Someone has already said it but I was so scared that my fanny was falling out, when in fact it was just really swollen after stitches.

The midwife exam is so incredibly painful

That it is quite normal to feel the urge to moo during second stage

That feeling the baby's body shoot out is the most amazing feeling of total relief ever.

The sound of your baby crying for the first time is the most joyous sound you will ever hear

I'd do it again tomorrow, I loved giving birth, its being pregnant that puts me off number 2.

And if you have had a really lousy pregnancy actually it will be easier looking after a newborn than being pregnant.

You will still be wearing maternity clothes for months and months.

A top tip would also be to take a picture of your ladybits before giving birth...so if you need post birth surgery, they know what you are supposed to look like. I wished I had done it.

That you are totally willing to have a strange woman trying to collect colostrum from you with a syringe because you still haven't managed to get your baby to latch on correctly.

That you would happily kill the breastfeeding advisor when she bellows into your room at midnight because you were nearly asleep for the first time since the birth-despite the first point.

That you lose all sense of reason and recall and think "I'll just get this big poo out of the way then I can get on with giving birth."

That everyone except your husband will abandon you when the emergency alarm goes off- even if you were just about to have an epidural for your induction-related pain.

That you will have the strength of twenty superheroes which will prevent anyone prising the flannel/plastic bottle/gas-and-air out of your hand.

That you will, despite the pain/abandonment/poo situation, hear and remember your husband puffing and panting trying to move you onto the bed and remarking "blimey she's a dead weight, I can't shift her".

If your baby is early (DD was a month) it may be covered in so much white vernix that if you are completely spaced out and exhausted, the midwife will have to tell you that it is actually a baby she has put on your tummy (as per your birth plan) .

That having newborn is easier than being pregnant if you have a terrible pregnancy.

You will lose more blood than you think you have in your body.

Living on those wards for days or weeks is worse than childbirth. You will manage to survive on no more than 1 1/2 hours sleep a night for days. And if you want to leave a postnatal ward and arent' a straightforward case it helps to say 'I want to go home' to any midwife you see for several days and ask to see a doctor whenever possible.

The second stage isnt' so bad because at least things are moving on.

It helps to have food in the night to eat if you are breastfeeding because the hospital will expect you to go without for around 15 hours between tea and breakfast.

Your baby easily outweighs all this stuff.

i have another one.. who else has been here? lol.

That your first post-partum period will probably arrive within 2 days of your Lochia ending if you're bottle feeding.

That your first period will be so heavy that it will require 3 sanitary towels to catch the flow and a pair of magic knickers to hold it all in place so you dont leak everytime you move!

that while you're actually having a contraction you can feel like your hips are being ripped apart and it hurst so much you forget to breathe yet in between you still have a vague sense of 'is this really it? maybe it's a false alarm... i hope they're not cross at me when it all turns out to be a false alarm'.... and then the next contraction hits and you truely believe that if the baby doesn't come out right here and then you won't survive the labour.

that this can go on for 18 hours and at no point do you feel the need for pain relief!

that when your babies heartrate drops to 30 and you hear the mw bark 'get someone in here now at the student mw you'd happily agree to let them saw you in half to get her out sooner.

that you can have a back to back labour and the baby be born facing the wrong way and not actually realise til years later as it was actually better than your first labour!

that you may lose the ability to communicate in words and sentances during transition and 2nd stage.... i had this with all 3 with varying unwanted results but poor dp was the one who suffered the most due to my lack of communicative ability. like during birth three when we were alone in the delivey room and i was kneeling on the bed with intense contractions and i felt liquid between my legs... i put my hand down and it was blood. now i knew it was the show but poor dp didn't and asked 'are you supposed to be bleeding? is everything ok?' and received nothing but a vacant look from me until i started to writh around on the bed again, at which point my waters broke... which again i was incapable of communicating to him and simply lunged for the call button poor dp nearly had heart failure!

that mws treat you a bit like a tiger on a leash when you're in transition... they attempt to direct and aid you but if you growl and snap at them they jump backward pretty sharpish and make nice soothing noises

that newborns are unbelievably hot and wet and smell like life itself and you won't quite believe that the baby really came out of your body and will keep prodding the baby and prodding your sad empty stomach for days afterwards and trying to figure out how the two relate to each other.

oh.... and lastly DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE HOW FUCKING HORRENDOUS THE AFTERPAINS AFTER 2 AND 3 WILL BE

i had afterpains after dd so presumed i knew what they were like.... they were tiddly litte twinges compared to ds1 and after ds2 i actually thought i was dying

in my defense ds2 was in scbu, i'd been discharged and was doing alot of running around, cramps had been horrendous all week but on the saturday when he was due to come home they got vicious, less crampy and more just constant violent pain. i was in the garage topping up the car to drive the hour home with him and all i could think was 'please don't let me collapse and be readmitted as they won't let him come home if that happens'

Oh and the shaking/shivering immediately after birth.

I had read about it in teh books - but DP hadn't. I think he thought I was having a seizure or something - and shouted in panic to teh MWs (who were busy on the other side of the room with my poorly DTD). I was trying to say "it's all right - it is in teh book" but I don't think he believed me.

Didn't happen 2nd time round though.