What you don't read in the books about childbirth......

[bugsymalone]

Here are my contributions from personal experience.....

Post C-section you'll have the worse flatulence of your life!

Post vaginal delivery the midwife will stick a finger up your bum to check she hasn't sewn you together. Even more alarmingly rather than thinking wtf! you'll hardly batt an eyelid!

AND THE MOST REDICULOUS THING READ IN A CHILDBIRTH BOOK

Ex. Miriam Stoppard that when the baby's head is crowning you should relax your perinium ! Personally I didn't have the mental faculties left at that point to relax anything!

Betty

"That maternity wards are chocca in the middle of September!"
Oh no - I'm due on the 12th (as is my DH's cousin!) and apparently conceived on NYE. Not a NYE baby though - we'd been trying for months!
Where was my tea and toast?

All the lovely baby clothes you packed for your few hours old baby will be completely impractical and you'll think you're going to break his arm putting it in the snow suit so you'll settle for a vest, sleepsuit, wrapped in a blanket and run to the car

That you need to wee during early labour, or at least make sure your bladder is empty enough before you get too far along otherwise the baby can get stuck and then you can't go because everything is blocking everything else - and by that stage they have to shove a catheter up to drain your bladder 'manually' and even despite the pain you're already in, it just adds to your discomfort.

TheProvincialLady re tendons in thighs/groin, you've just solved the mystery of why I felt my legs were about to drop off when I went bowling 3 months after giving birth. Thank you! I counted 12 different types of pain that I was in the day after delivery but had put leg pain down to relaxin in ligaments or something. But everyone said 3 months later it couldn't be that.

Do not have a Chinese beforehand especially with a side of bok choi and garlic. The poos you have during labour will horrify you. I vaguely remember howling 'get that away from me it's foul'

Afterwards, being so tired and confused I thought at one point I'd had quads when I was left with a hungry screaming baby for 4 hours by the bitches midwives.

The fact that 18 mths on your fanny may still flap. And number 2 is due in 4 weeks, can my fanny possibly look any worse - and to think it was once a lovely little nub of a thing. Enjoy it while you can, take photos, pet it

I wish I'd been told;

That if you are giving birth in a heatwave, you should bring your own electric fan, as the hospital may run out.

That accepting an epidural increases your chance of an instrument delivery, leading to an episiotomy which can be very painful for much longer than the labour would have been.

That you will refuse to wee anywhere but in a deep warm bath for 6 weeks after an episiotomy.

That you should bring vests and sleepsuits in a few different sizes, as babies weights can be surprising.

That if you are in hospital for a few days afterwards, you should arrange DH to bring you meals of salads and fresh fruit to keep your poo soft - meaning you can turn down the pasta and mash the hospital are offering.

That a supportive midwife is worth her weight in platinum.

That relaxing all over, including your jaw (so not screaming) makes it all less painful.

That subsequent labours are so much less painful that they are actually enjoyable!

That you are allowed to turn down induction.

That on day 5 after birth you will feel like murdering any visitors, even DH, and just want to be left alone with your baby.

That compared to 9 months of hyperemesis, looking after a newborn is a breeze!

That for some women breastfeeding isn't at all painful, so not to waste time worrying about that in advance.

That if your DH hasn't bothered reading a pregnancy book or attending antenatal classes, he won't suddenly turn into a great advocate when you're in labour, and you should have a clued-up friend, relative or Doula there too.

That your waters might go with an audible 'pop' which causes you to leap off the bed and give yourself a huge bruise all the way down your thigh and which EVERY midwife who comes on duty wants to know the cause of (and usually in the middle of a massive contraction).

That you need to work out a sign language with your birthing partner.

I suggest signs for...

• stop asking me stupid questions, I'll answer you when I've finished this contraction.
• no, I really DON'T want any Pethadine.
• YES, take the foetal monitor off NOW so that I can move around and don't brain you with it in my pain!

...and breathe .

For a few days after the birth you will think you are the cleverest person on the planet.. after all look what you have done!

Great thread Blister!!!

I will add:-

That you don't have to push, the baby will come out on its own.

littleBmalone

That the side effect of spinal block + morphine after an em cs may make you starts throwing up after a few hours. That heaving and throwing up (and pulling in your tummy muscles) after a cs is a deeply horrible experience when you know your abdomen is held together by fresh stitches

That the morphine suppository will constipate you beyond belief and your bottom might tear when you poo. Even if you have had lactulose.

The midwives couldn't care less if you have had a cs, they will still takes ages to come and be deeply annoyed if you ask them to help lift the baby or change any nappies.

That if you have had an em cs, a planned cs will probably be a doddle, and a chance to catch up with the newspapers, and you will stand up to the midwives second time around .

That you can be convinced you are dying (transition)

That you can get so high on gas n air that you forget what the point of the contractions is, and just float on wave after wave of utter pain until you hear people saying "push" and you have no idea of what they want or why. They took the G&A away at that point. Bastards.

That you can get so high on gas n air that you forget and are unable to ask for any stronger form of pain relief, despite feeling as above.

That directly after the birth you can be so in shock and dazed that you don't want to see the baby. Apparently I said "yeah, lovely, I'll have a look in a bit" (I've always thought it was the same as you breaking your leg, then someone running over 5 seconds later while you're still in agony and going "Here's £5,000!")

That the first poo after birth CAN be absolutely fine- I was expecting major pain (2nd degree tear to perineum) and it was fine. Weeing, however... ow!

That your dignity and privacy is so eroded after childbirth you may be tempted to proudly post earth motherish breastfeeding pics on facebook which show copious amounts of nip, then a year later (dignity finally regained) cringe that all your schoolmates, ex boyfriends and work colleagues have seen your tits.

That despite having an army of support with you (mother, friend who should know what she's doing since she's a HCP), DH and his mother, it can all go completely shit and they can sit there with deer-in-the-headlights type looks as you struggle on all night. That they can all not say one f*cking word as the MW makes one crap decision after the next. That they can allow you to be bullied into having forceps and a huge episiotomy, which results in tearing so bad you need reconstructive surgery a year on.

That in a corner of your mind you can still hate them for being so useless when you were unable to stick up for yourself, 15 months on.

That you can be so traumatized by this that one of those stupid ridiculous labour scenes on the telly where a woman supposedly gives birth in full make-up after three pushes causes you to burst into tears and leave the room, many months on.

That most people will not understand about birth trauma and tell you to get on with it and that "a healthy baby is ALL that matters", and you want to rip out their eyeballs and stomp on them.

That no matter how much you think you know about birth because you've been labour support for a handful of girlfriends, that it can all go to shit and you can't think for yourself at all.

That, because of this fact, NOT taking antenatal classes, or classes like the Bradley Method, is a really really really fuckwitted idea... and that you should not listen to your DH who says, "you know all that, so you don't need it, and since you know it, we don't need to go to antenatal classes".
Dumbest bloody thing I ever didn't do in my life.

And.

That none of this, absolutely none of it, relates to you in any way until you're in labour.

Arhhhhhh Arghhhh Arghhhhh I can read no more!

You may find me shaking in the corner rocking backwards and forwards....
Fuck I forgot about last time (only took the 12 yrs and much therapy) and now it's too late to change my mind on number 2.

Arghhhhhhhhhh

Apesiotomy(sp?), forceps, stirrups, drips, oh and that moment it all goes wrong and the room fills with medical staff - who are they all?

Arghhhhhhhhh

that is a grin of pain

That you may wll feel that there is something wrong with you because you feel guilty for feeling shell shocked and miserable when so many other mums look gorgeous and happy on the post natal ward.

That some midwives are good at delivering babies, but not as good at caring for the mothers post delivery. I had one midwife actually leave me to it when my DS started to cry, saying 'oh, I can't cope with it when they cry'

That you may have to hobble to the end of a long corridor to get your meals in hospital, and attempt to sit on a hard chair with no doughnut cushion to eat it. You will have to plead for analgesia for your stitches/piles.

And the weirdest one for me was feeling lonely now that the baby was separate from me; I missed all the movements and hiccups.

... that as well as the newborn treacle poo, the baby can vomit dark brown stuff that it has ingested in the womb - man did that give me a fright the first night, but mw said perfectly normal and not to worry.

... that after childbirth your joints can feel like you have arthritis for about 6 months!