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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Original poster

What you don't read in the books about childbirth......

188 replies

bugsymalone · 08/05/2009 21:33

Here are my contributions from personal experience.....

Post C-section you'll have the worse flatulence of your life!

Post vaginal delivery the midwife will stick a finger up your bum to check she hasn't sewn you together. Even more alarmingly rather than thinking wtf! you'll hardly batt an eyelid!

AND THE MOST REDICULOUS THING READ IN A CHILDBIRTH BOOK

Ex. Miriam Stoppard that when the baby's head is crowning you should relax your perinium ! Personally I didn't have the mental faculties left at that point to relax anything!

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StealthPolarPig · 08/05/2009 23:06

And that hideous calf cramp can be a side effect of labour (but it took my mind off the contractions for a few minutes )

ConnorTraceptive · 08/05/2009 23:11

My mum bought dh a book about birth that was geared towards fathers. IT should have mentioned something about not whispering "please god don't let her die" in my ear whilst I was pushing. I was like "is there something I need to know about going on down there?"

LittlePeanut · 08/05/2009 23:19

That if you give birth late at night, then go straight to bed without really getting up... in the morning, DON'T just try to get out of bed to go to the loo.

About a bucketful of blood/ watery fluid will pour forth from your fanny, all over the floor of the ward, whilst other new mothers look on.

ConnorTraceptive · 08/05/2009 23:22

That you will grab a midwife and scream it still fucking hurts even after the baby is out.

DoNotAnnoy · 08/05/2009 23:27

The smell of amniotic fluid. I can't even remember what it was like. I just remember it being distinctive

That the placenta that should just slip out after the baby might not and you will end up in theatre with a Drs arm sluck up your bits a la "All creatures great and small" scooping it out in pieces

That if you have extensive tearing there is a maximum amount of lidocaine they can give and if it wears off before they have finished it is tough luck

ConnorTraceptive · 08/05/2009 23:29

gas and air is like doing poppers but actually offers no pain relief what so ever.

Despite it's lack of pain relieving qualities to you rip off the head of anyone trying to remove it from yuor grip

FfreckleFface · 08/05/2009 23:41

And that eating anything will make you vomit all over yourself.

And you won't care.

Tamlin · 09/05/2009 09:56

That if you have an atonal uterus afterwards, they may perform a little manoeuvre called bimanual massage sans pain relief which feels exactly like being violently fisted while the nurses hold you down and you scream blue murder. And then you realize exactly why some women liken their birth experiences to assault.

(Gee, I don't know why they don't mention that in the books or the cosy NHS classes...)

whodathoughtit · 09/05/2009 10:13

Yes, the vomiting! I vomited all over the delivery room floor after the first few puffs of gas and air. I even tried to clean it up myself, mad cow that I am.

And no one told me that having stitches is bloody painful too. I thought once the baby was out it'd be so numb I'd feel nothing. I was back on gas and air for half an hour while they did their handywork.

whodathoughtit · 09/05/2009 10:14

And I had a suppository pain killer stuffed up my backside. No one told me they do that either.

PacificDogwood · 09/05/2009 10:24

Ah, but they work so well, painkiller suppositories, that is !
And why did I feel I could only cope with contractions with my eyes closed? And humming? Not in any books I read beforehand ! I felt really mad inbetween contractions and kept apologising to the MW for closing my eyes, as I felt it was really rude of me... Yes, judgement does go out the window, doesn't it, along with dignity and sense of decorum - and you do not care one little bit!!

PatTheHammer · 09/05/2009 10:29

Also after carefully considering your birth partners and being really concerned with who will be in the room, by the time you get to the second stage you won't give a flying feck who is there!

Midwife, doctor, student, nurse, man of the street, his mate, local tramp..... doesn't matter to you.

I only realised there was a 2nd midwife present at my first birth when reading my notes back afterwards, and I didn't even have drugs just completely out of it!

AbbyLubber · 09/05/2009 10:41

My first birth plan was two pages. My second said only this: 'NO Oxytocin drip and NO AMNIOTOMY until an epidural is in and working'. They stuck to that - just as well, as I had a two-hour wait for epidural guy and got to 5 cm - you need to make sure you don't go into transition without one if you've been induced because once you'[re in transition they won't do it... With ds I had the WORST PAIN I have ever felt after the amniotomy. 14 years ago, and I still remember it. What I remember was being awed that I lived. I had nightmares about it for weeks. And about the subsequent two hours. It was MUCH worse than I expected, worse than broken bones, and all that breathing stuff, TENS, aromatherapy are utter crap.

Check the fetal heartrate monitor YOURSELF. DH had to point out after a 2-hour first stage that ds's heartrate was dropping to the 70s. Suddenly a lot of people ran in with lights and instruments, and bells began ringing....

violethill · 09/05/2009 11:20

That the pain of actually pushing the baby out is like nothing on earth. Ring of fire doesn't describe it. That gas and air rocks, and can be a great help during first stage when you want to space out and breath through the pain, but makes fuck all difference during second stage when you need to be alert and pushing. That if you tear, you actually do feel your fanjo tearing apart (sounds obvious but they don't tell you). That the feeling when you finally push your baby out is indescribable. And that after the trauma of giving birth, you actually don't care any more about anything - I was using just gas and air for stitching up after and when the canister ran out and I felt the next stitch go in I actually DIDN'T CARE!!!! If someone had told me a week before that a doctor could stick a needle through my fanjo with no pain relief and I'd giggle and say 'no worries' I would've laughed in their face - but it's true!!
That your first wee and poo after giving birth are VERY scary and you think your insides are going to fall out.

But on second thoughts, if they DID write all those things in the books, we'd all either never get pregnant or we'd insist on full anaesthesia for giving birth!

PatTheHammer · 09/05/2009 11:26

That if you didn't know the gender of your baby before the birth someone, usually the MW, will have to gently remind you to have a look some 5 mins after the birth as you still don't care. Like you said violet, you don't care about anything, just that the baby is breathing and you have not actually split open in the process. Couldn't give a stuff if PFB has a fanjo or a willy

Ambi · 09/05/2009 11:32

The swelling of the fanjo afterwards, I was scared to death that my insides had come out. I also was trying to take off the massive maternity pads to change and realise its actually my skin. Wish I'd known that.

Wigglesworth · 09/05/2009 11:49

That having your first dump after giving birth (had an episiotomy and forceps) is more terrifying than the birth itself and you are completely convinced that you will split in half. I had a curry to make sure it was "loose", sorry that was way too much info!

whatwouldyoudothen · 09/05/2009 11:53

That even though your greatest fear beforehand is poohing in labour you will find yourself actively attempting to do so just to try to hurry the whole thing along.

ruddynorah · 09/05/2009 11:58

that the splittig in your fanjo can feel like it's going upwards not just downwards or outwards. i thought i was going to rip straight up from fanj to belly button.

PatTheHammer · 09/05/2009 12:01

WWYDT- completely agree, and if you do it in the birthing pool and it happens to break into a million pieces those little nets are less than worthless. Industrial sized colander anyone?

ruddynorah · 09/05/2009 12:05

that if your baby is back to back it can feel very much like there is no gap at all between contractions. that was me for errrr 27 hours.

mrsrawlinson · 09/05/2009 12:57

That decides it. I am SO getting an elective CS this time!

whodathoughtit · 09/05/2009 12:58

PatTheHammer - that is so true about the sex of the baby.

dinkystinky · 09/05/2009 13:52

That you end up doing the loudest stinkiest most obnoxious farts for a month or so after birth - I had to keep blaming those loud parps on the baby (not that anyone was buying it)

l39 · 09/05/2009 13:58

That having a drip put in the back of your hand during a contraction is a really great help and you wish they'd cut another hole in one of your limbs every contraction afterwards.

That if you have stitches the midwife will want to look at them every day for the first 10 days (though only a visual scan, no fingers involved!)

That once you're through transition the bad part is over and the pushing is easy.........

but attempted internal version is extremely bizarre ('the registrar had both arms inside you up to the elbows!' said dh helpfully) and leaves bruises on the baby - not that it matters-

that if you have a caesarean after the ICV staff will keep apologising to your husband afterwards (not that there was any need since everyone was fine)