What you don't read in the books about childbirth......

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Here are my contributions from personal experience.....

Post C-section you'll have the worse flatulence of your life!

Post vaginal delivery the midwife will stick a finger up your bum to check she hasn't sewn you together. Even more alarmingly rather than thinking wtf! you'll hardly batt an eyelid!

AND THE MOST REDICULOUS THING READ IN A CHILDBIRTH BOOK

Ex. Miriam Stoppard that when the baby's head is crowning you should relax your perinium ! Personally I didn't have the mental faculties left at that point to relax anything!

If your waters break first, you'll get an initial gush and then it will drip, drip, drip, if you are a while off actually giving birth (35 hours for me) you will then use up loads of the maternity pads you bought for after labour, and you'll need plenty afterwards. No one tells you about the dripping.

Take all you oldest knickers to the hospital for the ridiculously heavy blood loss post delivery and then just bin them as you go along, you can't possibly ask your DH to take those home to wash! A good excuse for new knickers when you feel up to a bit of shopping.

My midwife gave me a jug to use to pour water on my fanjo while attempting to have a wee, very hard to do, I found it helped to have a wee with my feet half way up the toilet door, to avoid the torn bit - you definately pick up your dignity on discharge.

Your DH/DP will say something stupid at some point, mine is a Paramedic and was useful throughout, having been trained to deliver babies, he made endless cups of tea and helped me in and out of the bath several times, cut the courd, put the canula back in when I pulled it out and sprayed blood on the student midwife (I don't remember this, apparently I also kicked her quite hard) and then on actually being presented with his new daughter he said (through tears) "We're not having any more I can't go through that again" !!!!!

Your stomach feels really weird afterwards, like a deflated baloon.

courd - what's that !!!! I mean cord of course.

What noone tells you about childbirth is that, in all cases where you have a healthy baby, what happens during labout is totally irrelevant to the rest of your baby's life, and it's the parenting that's the tough (and best!) part of being a mum

To all those reading this thread who have not yet had a baby: do not let all the comments put you off. They are all true, but it is better to be prepared. After reading this thread you can rest assured that you will NOT have an experience that's any worse than the ones here! And it might be a great deal better. I had one horrendous labour/childbirth, and one absolutely great - yes, honestly - and I would do it all again in a heartbeat.

OOh, and the one thing I wish someone had told me before I had my first child is re. maternity pads and disposable knickers. Disposable maternity knickers are RUBBISH on their own - you need a pair of proper pants over the top to hold them on! Practise at home with them, with a maternity towel in them, at least a week before your due date, trust me, you will thank me later. Take loads of "proper" knickers that you were wearing at about 5-6months' into the pregnancy. Pack many, many packs of maternity towels. No, super-strength ordinary sanitary towels will NOT do the job for the first few days. Maternity towels with wings will rub on your stitches if you have them; Tesco/Mothercare maternity towels without wings were great for me!!!

Oh, and one final thing: you don't have to wear a nightie for giving birth OR on the maternity ward afterwards! Loose tracksuit bottoms and t-shirts offer a bit more coverage - those places are like Clapham Junction and you may want a bit more dignity. Or not. Everyone is different

That you may lie there cursing every natural childbirth guru you ever read / listened to as you slowly come to terms with having induction, epidural, emergency c-section etc. when you'd been dreaming of floaty water births for 9 months.

That clary sage oil, even when diluted in water in a plastic hospital cup, will melt the cup and slice it completely in two!

That you should never read threads like this before your first birth - as I did - as they really are most unhelpful

That (as others have said) induced contractions come on hard and suddenly, and it's all too late when the MW tells you to breathe the gas and air 'as you feel the beginnings of the contraction', because there is no gradual beginning, and there isn't enough time for gas and air to take effect before it REALLY HURTS!

That when they tell you that you will still be able to move about and have an 'active birth' whilst being hooked up to a drip and monitor with about fifty million different wires, it's just not true!

That anaesthetic not only makes you shaky, but REALLY ITCHY for 24 hours or so afterwards. Which is nice when the room is already REALLY REALLY HOT and you're wondering whether your baby will overheat before you've even left the hospital.

That midwives do not all have the same opinion on how to breastfeed / whether you are doing it right or wrong, too frequently or not frequently enough. You may receive conflicting advice. And it may feel like your nipples are being attacked by razorblades from about day 3...

You may need a really good cry when you first get home, but it's okay

That you can read all of the above, but at 37 weeks can only think 'can't wait, bring it on quick' and get all teary at the thought of actually meeting your baby

(mind you, its my second, and I figure it can't really be worse than the first, so am feeling possibly just a tad emotional and over-positive... don't remind me of this comment afterwards please)

(On hearing some other woman scream, swear and moo simultaneously) Don't turn to your DH when you have just arrived in the labour suite and say "I don't know what she's making all that noise for, it's not that bad.." Sure as anything your MW will examine you and gleefully tell you that you are only 1cm dilated...

That for days after your baby is born you will be in a weird state of super-heightened emotions. You will cry A LOT at the strangest things, yet be the happiest you have ever been.

That even if you have been through the worst pregnancy in history you will hold your wonderful new baby and swear that you would go through it all again tomorrow!

That if you are having a c-section and write in the birth plan "please show us the sex of the baby rather than telling us before we see him/her", that your LO will go through the indignity of being held aloft so that the first thing you see is the private bits! And that you have to say, yes I can see it's a girl, rather than lie there in shock and ecstasy that you actually have A BABY!!! and that you really don't care what sex it is. A BABY!!! And that the theatre staff will keep saying, 'can you see?' until you open your mouth and say something!

Everyone told me that after the baby is out the pain 'disappears' they were obviously talking about contractions but I REALLY wasn't prepared for how bad and sore I felt after the birth. I kept telling anyone who would listen that my arse was going to fall out and when I was being stitched up I was totally out of it on gas and air.

God I wish I'd read this thread 11 weeks and 1 day ago when I was happily going in for an induction with DC2 - who was 12 days late and showing no signs at all of coming out.

How flaming painful are induced contractions - incredibly, mind numblingly, loud screamingly, shouting at husband painful.

Even more ing was that my BEST friend .. yes, my longest closest oldest friend.. said afterwards that she knew they would be but didn't want to tell me in case I worried. I thought there was something wrong!

I too did a nice little poo with DC1 in the birthing pool. The MW very coolly scooped it out and kindly said nowt!

That it really hurts to wake up from an emcs where you have been put under general anaesthetic (sp?) and its ok to have pain relief for this pain.

That you say really obvious things when awake from above mentioned section like "my stomach hurts" and in regards to baby "he's SO little" .

That the dr's have no clue regarding time and so you get a bit puzzled when one tells you in one sentence that you should be home by the weekend, only to then say home by sunday night (in the same conversation ).

That although gas & air takes 30 seconds to kick in. If you refuse to move it from your mouth, there is a steady supply while having contractions.

That these wonderful idea's called hospital bags are actually quite useful to have packed. This way when you tell your DH that you need knickers he wont bring in thongs.

How blissful it is to have a bath as hot as you like post birth because you don't have to worry about damaging baby.

Oh the things i'l be doing differently this time round.

That tensing up during contractions is not a good idea. I knew about breathing and moving around but with every contraction I tensed up and held my breath which did not help at all.

Finally one of the midwives told me to try and relax and to wiggle my fingers and toes with each contraction, to which I thought "why the fuck did no one tell me that before?" Sound bloody obvious but for me, the automatic thing to do was just go rigid.

That after you've been washed, had your tea and toast and your partner gets chucked out, it's just you and a newborn and it's the most scary thing that's ever happened to you.

That the later contractions make you feel like your back may break in half.

Crowning was accurately desribed to me pre-DD1 as being like having a blow torch held to your fanny

That some people go into labour by having vomiting and diarrhea for 3 days which means by the time they get to the pushing stage they havent eaten or drunk anything for 72 hours and feel as weak as a kitten - grrr

That the torch used to look up your fanny by the hoards of medical staff will look like it has just been brought from B&Q. I was expecting something green with a white cross on it but no, this was yellow and may have had 'Stanley' written on the side.

That your waters breaking will feel exactly like an elastic band snapping inside you. And you will feel very upset if anyone tries to suggest you have just wet yourself.

That you get to the stage where, if one more person looks at you in a simple way and says, 'is it your first' (meaning, if so, you are an idiot and I will ignore everything you say) you will happily punch them in the face.

It is the most ridiculous situation you will ever find yourself in and, at some point, you will have one of those out of body moments where you are looking at yourself, spread out or doubled up and think, what the fuck have you got yourself into now?!

I am going through it all again though!

That you are perfectly capable of answering the question "What did you have?" with a loopy, happy, teary, amazed smile of your face: "A baby!" - well yes, a puppy would have been a surprise to both of us !!

You might poo

You'll need a lot more baby clothes than you think as your new bub my spend most of your hospital stay throwing up amniotic fluid

That you don't actually need a cot until your baby is 3-4 months old, but you DO need more vests, sleepsuits, and cotton wool balls than you think you do.

That it's OK to send your DH on an emergency trip to the nearest 24 hour supermarket to find some more vests, sleepsuits, and cotton wool balls!

That your baby will end up wearing the "emergency supermarket" clothes most of the time instead of the delightful but impractical baby clothes you and your relatives lovingly picked out beforehand.

That gas and air makes you accuse the lovely Irish doctor of having been on Big Brother (I am still mortified!)

That although you may specify "as few people in the room as possible when I give birth" on your birthplan, you could end up with an audience the size of Wembley.

That the "instant rush of love" thing is a load of rubbish - he could have been put up for adoption at any point in the first 3 weeks and I wouldn't have cared (love him to bits now though!).

That after an emerg c-section constipation is the worst thing in the world ever. And the diarrhoea that follows that when you aren't very close to a toilet and have a top shuffling speed of 0.00000001mph isn't great either. And you will avoid coughing at all costs for a week after in case you burst open at the seams.

That it is well worth getting the community midwife to check that your dissolvable stiches are really dissolvable (mine weren't).

That the pain killers they give you after a c-section will make you loopy. So loopy that you keep forgetting your baby's name and can't for the life of you remember whether he fed at all last night.

That breastfeeding (although allegedly the most natural way to feed your baby) is the hardest thing in the world to learn. And that is no exaggeration.

That after a 39 hour labour followed by an emergency c-section some inconsiderate midwife will come and wake you up every hour for 12 hours to do your obs. This is also the one and only time your baby will sleep for 6 hours solid.

That you can read a thread like this and actually be a bit glad you ended up having a c-section...

Oh, jo6058 that is so true about the post c-section constipation/diarrhoea horror. And the shuffling and coughing. It is all coming back to me now...

PAIN! how neverending labour is, how you think "this is all HIS doing - why's he just sitting there with the paper?, how terrified you are when you go home with your 1st born - now what?

That the first time you hold your lovely, wet, warm, froglike child, as you look on in awe, he/she will probably shit in your hand - and you wont care.