What you don't read in the books about childbirth......

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Here are my contributions from personal experience.....

Post C-section you'll have the worse flatulence of your life!

Post vaginal delivery the midwife will stick a finger up your bum to check she hasn't sewn you together. Even more alarmingly rather than thinking wtf! you'll hardly batt an eyelid!

AND THE MOST REDICULOUS THING READ IN A CHILDBIRTH BOOK

Ex. Miriam Stoppard that when the baby's head is crowning you should relax your perinium ! Personally I didn't have the mental faculties left at that point to relax anything!

They should tell you that you may poo during the 2nd stage of delivery. An induction is no pain one minute to loads the next, no slow build up.

no-one has ever stuck a finger up my butt!!!!

and i read about the poo too.

hmmm will have a think about other things that I wasn't prepared for though..

That if you have a c-section you won't get the mythical tea and toast

I have had a finger up the backside after stitching. Just what the Dr ordered Agree, nobody tells you that

Was inadequately prepared for the 'ring of fire' moment that is crowning. No fucker tells you just how bad that moment really is

That you will require about 3 maternity towels at a time for the first 24hrs post-birth... I was truly by just how much lochia there was

When it feels like your arse is about to turn inside out, it means you'll meet your baby soon.

That you actually have to take a baby home and keep it alive.

I'm serious! So much is focussed on giving birth, the what comes after is a total shock.

They should train wannabe parents with hamsters for six months before ttc. Very noisy, smelly hamsters. But cute ones.

That it really really really really really hurts, alot, not just a little bit, and doesn't ever ever ever stop (sorry, was induced as well). And its really hard work. And then it can all go tits up anyway.

That your experience can go from good to totally shit depending upon whether you get a good midwife or a shit one. And that there are lots of shit ones. And the doctors are probably worse.

Oh god, got to go through it again in a matter of days or weeks. Why oh why oh why.

(please excuse the mild hysteria, is all coming back to me...)

That it really really really will feel like doing an enormous poo when baby is crowning. I know, but I didn't BELIEVE the books when they said that. So I was scared of pushing and only started pushing again when I was threatened with forceps and c/s.

That you can go home 6 hours after giving birth with none of you having had a bath!!! (We fell asleep and they left us in peace. Ds2, so I knew how to bath him!)

That newborn shit can fire out of their bum at close to the speed of sound and make it half way accross your living room.

Notnowbernard-agree with the towel thing, why did I only take one pack to hospital the first time?

Arse inside out, ROFL, that is EXACTLY it!

And that in the early stages of labour you will become absolutely OBSESSED with counting minutes/seconds/hours/days between contractions. It will take over your headspace for jours, until the real shit starts to happen

You then no longer give a flying fuck

hours not jours

That you can write all the birth plans in the world and they'll probably be rendered useless after the first hour.

And that by the end there is a genuine chance you won't even care what they are doing to you either.

All the focus seems to be on the labour and birth too. No one mentions the after bit which led to me clearing up a shocking amount of blood in bathroom afterwards and not saying anything. I thought it was normal!

The smell of a delivery room
And the fact that your stomach will feel so 'empty' that you walk bent double for a few days

O god and with ds, 24 hours after the birth I passed a clot the size of a tennis ball and was told it's normal

Or that the hospital will tell you to absolutely not come in until you are 3 mins apart with your second baby and the car journey will be 9 minutes of pure hell as you feel the head coming out, no wonder some people choose to stay at home once at this stage.....

That you should finish your "take-your-mind-off-it" page-turner of a novel before you get to 2nd stage as you won't be reading anything more complicated than your online shopping list for at least a year.

That some deep primitive cavewoman in you will come to the fore and you will attempt to escape from the delivery room via the air vents!

That gas and air is wonderful, and that you may threaten violence to anyone who tries to take it off you "just for a minute"

That even though you have never done this before, it doesn't necessarily mean that the 17yo MW in attendance can tell that you AREN'T ready to push without even checking! sometimes your body knows absolutely what it is doing better than any trained MW!

That enormous clots are "nothing to worry about unless they are the size of your baby's head" apparently ...

That newborn babies sound like percolators when they sleep.....

That when your waters go, they keep on leaking for ages...

That the distraction things that you should do in early labour should not include tidying your handbag when actually in active labour - god only knows why I thought that was a good idea

Jooly- I would even consider another just to experience gas and air again . Actually don't you just have to break your leg or something? Hell of a lot easier!

That you should check that the really really really long wee you are having isn't a second PPH

That when you hear the baby belonging to the lady in next bed meeping and beeping you should check that it is fact not YOUR baby meeping and beeping before you turn your ipod up a bit

That when you push out your baby, you are likely to push out a haemerrhoid too!! and the bugger won't go for months after. it will render you incapable if sitting squarely in the bath and for weeks you bathe on your knees or shower.

to all of you!! All so true!

And: the "urge to push" - it's no URGE, it's a farking IMPERATIVE, your body is going to push whether you want to or not, nothing voluntary/controlled/"just pant through the contraction, dear" - this is when I accidently kicked v nice midwife, sorry ...

Oh god, yes- the aftermath!! Twas like Reservoir Dogs when I finally plucked up the courage to go to the toilet! And then I had some woman banging on the door, demanding she be let in! Obviously, I couldn't let her in...and she, err, couldn't hold on. I heard an almighty splurge, opened the toilet door to see her glaring at me, with slippers full of poo (tmi, I know!!) "I've got diarrhoea, you know! I had a section!" she said. "really?" I managed weakly, before scuttling back to my post-labour room, only to find a few minutes later that...she was the only other mum in the room. She sat and glared at me for a full day. Is maybe diarrhoea another potential post C-section thing? If so, they never warned me about that!! So much for making "life-long buddies" in the post-natal ward!!

Worldsworstmummy - that is so true. The chapters in the pregnancy books about dealing with a newborn should have a big red arrow and capital letters saying 'YOU MUST READ THIS'. I was so preoccupied with being pregnant and then pushing it out that I neglected to prepare for having to take a child home.

I was shocked and humiliated that I pooed while pushing.

The blood afterwards was something of a surprise...Bloke was stunned when I got off the bed, and I think he thought I was dying for a moment.

When people tell you that pushing is "like having a poo" they don't mean it's comparable to it, or similar to it but using different muscles, they mean go in there and do exactly what you would do when having a poo.
Pushing was a lot easier when I figured that one out and stopped trying to do my 'ladylike pushes'